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Intimacy with a new man

Posted by Margaret Hampson, on Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:54 pm

Hi.I am new on here.Have been plucking up courage for months-so here goes.I had my colestomy stoma bag fitted 9 years ago. My then Husband helped me deal with it and was very kind when I had problems leakage etc. Sex was not a big issue-we just got on with it.Me wearing a costume at first so he did not see the bag.We separated some time ago ( not because of the stoma ) We had been married 30years and just became fed up with each other. A few months ago I met an old flame who I had not seen for years.The chemistry struck again, He was always a sexy man and he was a good Lover.My worry is that he is unaware of my stoma but at the same time I don't want to finish with him because of it causing embarrassment to both of us.I hope I have made my predicament clear enough and hope someone out there will understand  and advice would be very welcome.Thank you for reading this post.

Reply by Immarsh, on Tue Sep 06, 2016 12:27 am

Hi Margaret,   I'm Marsha.  It's nice to meet you.   I have my ileostomy for more than 50 years....since I was a teen.   I dated after surgery, but I was young, and the guys were  young, and mores were different.   WE didn't head right to bed, so I was able to decide after a few dates, if he was a "keeper".  Even making out could cause problems back then, so I had this theory, if I wanted a guys hands, below my neck, I had to tell.  For some it didnt matter, and for others it did.   It's a big lesson a 16-19 year old learns.   But I did marry....a guy I met through our ostomy group.   He also had an ileostomy, but that didn't keep us together.  WE had different ways to approach situations, and eventually we divorced.    I've been dating for the last 20 yearsl and things have changed some.  People end up in bed much quicker, and so decisions are made quicker.   I find that after one date, I'd rather telll, than drag it out.  Again.....for some it matters, and others it doesn't.  Sometimes it's the way you present it.   Personally, I'm proud of my "badge" of survival, and if someone has a problem with it, then he isn't right for me.   I'm actually mroe sensitive about my weight, rather than my ostomy.    Belief and respect for yourself, is more important than any one person.   Best of luck to you.   Write if you have any other questions.    Marsha

Reply by Bill, on Tue Sep 06, 2016 1:52 am

Hello Margaret. Thanks for posting as this is a tricky subject that has come up several times before. I love to read how people feel about these things and how they eventually resolve them. Marsha seems to have mastered the concept well and has come to terms with the issues involved. Personally, I don't have the problem because I am happily married and am not looking for anyone else. However, that doesn't mean that I don't think about how I would approach this sort of problem 'if' it was pertinent to me.

In my case, I try to take every appropriate opportunity to inform people that I have a stoma and how it hardly affects my day to day life adversly at all. Sometimes this approach stimulates a conversation straight away and sometimes people come back to me later and ask more questions. Other people simpluy don't want to talk about it and I respect that position. It's a bit like talking about death. Some relish the opportunity and others shy away from the subject. I like to simply declare a personal interest and see if there is any response. Either way, there are not many people I know who do not know that I have a stoma, so if they want to talk about it, then I like to think that I have given them permission and encouragement. I'm not really interested in whether any one person responds to this particular subject, as I have a whole arsenal of other subjects that I put out in converstaion for people to respond to as well if they want to.

Best wishes

Bill

Reply by Texasmade, on Sat Sep 10, 2016 6:10 pm

Margaret,

I'm nothing but an upfront person. I've always been "take me as I am," if you don't like what you see, that's fine with me," "got along w/o you before, will get along w/o you now."  The only limitations I have (and I'm 74 and have had my ostomy 3 1/2 yrs) - is the type of clothes I wear.  Most everyone knows I have it, and it's not an issue.  If you're comfortable with yourself, then most others are comfortable with you.  At least that's been my experience.  I could have had mine reversed but chose not too - didn't want another major surgery if I didn't have to have it, and I'm glad I didn't.  Good luck to you and God bless!  It doesn't have to rule your life!!

Bev S.

Reply by Hippieonmission , on Sat Sep 10, 2016 7:28 pm

Immarsh and Margaret my name is floyd and I'm in TX. And i met a woman back in 2009 on a disabled Web site and I we dated for 2 yrs long distance she lived in Colorado so she came to visit me 3 times and i visited 2 times. And we both have spinebifida if i spelled that right but anyways i got tired of tx and decided to move to Colorado with her. Make a long story short i found out i had rectul cancer and did the chemo and radiation and radiation burned my insides and left me with a colostomy and urostomy and melted my penis to my groin and now I'm having to do a hyperbaric bed chamber to heal a wound on my backsid . And i haven't even tryed to meet any women because I'm afraid of being turned down for a relationship or even try to get to know me and i just don't know what to do. Sometimes i wished God would just take me on up i hate saying that but it's how i feel any feedback would be appreciated 

Reply by CountryBlue, on Sat Sep 10, 2016 9:29 pm

Oh Sweetie, I can hear the pain in your words and it breaks my heart. I remember being at that point a few times and nothing is harder. I just take it minute by minute, hour by hour and so on during those times. I had rectal cancer as well with the radiation issues we sound like a matched set as far complications s I know the pain! It never seems like you will feel even close to yourself again. know that am sending positive thoughts to you and the OP for getting through the rough patches.

 

Heather

Reply by Hippieonmission , on Sat Sep 10, 2016 10:25 pm

Heather thanks you nailed it and starting hyperbaric bed chamber Monday don't like it but ain't got no choice. And 2 things keep me sane rock music their's a program i listen to every Saturday night it's called hoh houseofhair the host is dee snider. Between that and a program here in my town called Sunday morning revival it's a rock station that plays 80s rock for 3 hrs and i do a little herb here and there. But there's many nights iv cried myself to sleep because of all this. And the woman that i did go to Colorado for after all this happened i moved back to TX and for a yr i had a Colorado cell number then about a month ago i changed it back to TX so the x gf couldn't get in touch with me 

Reply by Emra, on Sun Sep 11, 2016 9:46 am

I am not in your situation however I was so touched by your post and the responses....I just wanted to say that you are obviously an incredibly lovely person who just happens to have an ostomy.  Like I have brown hair and need glasses to see more than one foot in front of me.  If the person cares for you, it will not make a difference. 

I tend to agree with the posters who say get it out in the beginning...and if your date (geesh....I'm dating myself here - I don't even know what people call eachother anymore!)...if your date has issues, it's better that they move on early rather than getting more involved emotionally. 

All the best to you my friend!

 

Reply by Emmerj323, on Sun Sep 11, 2016 9:55 am

Hello Margaret I am 52 yrs old & have had ileostomy since I was 27 (Crohn's disease since 20 yrs old) i dated & married my first husband through the various stages of Crohn's diagnosis & several surgeries which left me with an ileostomy and infertility.  At 31 yrs old we divorced which added low self esteem to my list of issues. The only people I had ever told about my health issues were family and a few close friends & I wasn't looking forward to starting over. Within a few months I started dating a man I met through my work.  It took me a while before I was comfortable enough to tell him about the ileostomy & while we only ended up dating for about 6 months (long distance) he really changed my outlook on life - he made me feel like the most beautiful women in the world and loved me for me, not the package I came in.   2 months after that I met my now husband, again  I was nervous to tell him about my medical history... 21 years later I realize with age comes maturity and with maturity comes the realization that life isn't perfect and neither are people.  It's your choice on who and when and how much information to share.... I still choose to tell people on a need to know basis and although it's not happened yet ...if someone chooses not to be in my life because of my ostomy I don't want them in my life anyway.  It boils down to personal choice of who and when you tell but the people worth having in your life will understand  

Reply by Hippieonmission , on Sun Sep 11, 2016 11:28 am

No I'm not dating anyone to scared to basically I'm just really depressed over all this. And I'm not taking any anti depressants either 

Reply by CountryBlue, on Sun Sep 11, 2016 11:43 am

My husband passed away five years ago, I received my colostomy 2 1/2 years ago. I have a lot going on in my life and to be honest I haven't spent a lot of time worrying about dating. I'm not quite ready to go there yet. I am not ashamed of my colostomy or the fact that I will need a urostomy in the near future, but I do know that it could turn people off. I figure if I am meant to find someone again it will happen. If not, I have done pretty well on my own so far lol!

Reply by Hippieonmission , on Sun Sep 11, 2016 12:10 pm

I'm sorry for your loss and i understand the not dating thing. And yrs ago i had the chance to have my colon checked and i was to afraid of having a small rod going up my butt that i didn't do it. Yrs later i wished i would have now. Iv had my ostomy 5 yrs and had my urostomy 2 yrs. And finding out about my penis being melted in 2013 that really pissed me off even though there's other ways to get off loosing my buddy just destroyed me at the time and yet it still gets me mad i try not to think about it but just like these 2 bags on my belly I'm reminded every day. And that's the hardest part not counting if my ostomy starts making noises just before it let's go so needless to say i don't go out very much 

Reply by RonD1966, on Sun Sep 11, 2016 6:17 pm

I have always been a sexual person. I have been married to the same woman for 45 years. She has stood by me thru lung, bladder, & prostate cancer, the last two three years ago. She has been patient as we try to establish our sex life again. Nothing seems to work and I am now thinking of a transplant. It is for me as she loves me the way I am. I miss the closeness of intercourse. Any comment from those that had a penile transplant.

Reply by CountryBlue, on Sun Sep 11, 2016 8:07 pm

Wow! The surgeries and radiation have also taken away my ability to have any sort of vaginal intercourse. The scar tissue is so bad that it has pretty much fused my vagina shut. Plus I have to have urinary catheter in at all times until I get the urostomy so that's fun! Lol! I can make some shocking jokes when I am in the mood, believe me! I just turned 43 so people are especially taken aback. A lot of people don't believe me at first. I just take care of that by looking them straight in the eye and saying "wanna see?" Lol! I will have my bluff called one day I'm sure, but not so far.

Reply by honestabe, on Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:51 pm

Have just met a woman. She accepts the ostomy. Nothing has changed! 

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