This is for you Ycats, and for Darlene, and any other women or men, who have intimacy issues...
Some of you know me and my story and some don't.
I'm 68 now (divorced over 20+ years) and have had my ostomy since I was a kid of 15. I accepted the surgery quite well, but what I had difficulty accepting were all the stretch marks, on my legs, body, breasts, arms....from the steroids I'd taken. Teen years were difficult, but I did date..
Mores were a bit different back then, and I was afraid to have intercourse, because I was under doctor and parental care until I was 19. And then, final surgery over, and I was desperate to find out if "I still worked". I had technically been a virgin, although doctors had poked and prodded every orifice I had through the years.
I was dating a guy who also had an ostomy, and he wouldn't sleep with me, unless we were engaged (Biggest mistake of my life). I agreed, we got engaged, and I/we figured out how what to do given our lack of experience, and individual surgeries. Honestly, the best part of our relationship was an excellent sex life, but the ostomy alone couldn't keep us together, and eventually we divorced, after 24 1/2 years of marriage and two grown sons.
But I learned a lot in those years (no ostomy nurses back then, so I was a "visitor") You have to like and enjoy respect your own body, if you want someone else too. My surgery (if not my stretch marks) are my badges of survival. Spending a year in a back brace (osteoporosis at 15 from steroids) didn't help my already "deformed" body, and my ample boobs (C) flopped miserably. One saleswoman in a bra store asked if I'd recently had a baby. I was 15, and I ran out of the store crying.
Weight has always been an issue for me, so in addition to scars and the ostomy, I'm misshapen from weight. But I've dated quite a bit, and find that some men are ok with all my "baggage" and others, not so much.
Does that make me vulnerable....absolutely! I could look better, if I lost some weight, but basically I'm proud of my body, and my survival. That comes across to guys who are interested. One guy I dated, looked at and touched just about every scar on my body, and said that he was "impressed" with the person I turned out to be..despite what I'd gone through. Our relationship didn't last, because he turned out to be a jerk anyway, and after 2 years, decided he didn't want to be with an overweight woman. Sigh. Can't please everyone....
Three years ago, I met a really nice guy, who has had his own medical challenges (2 strokes and a bout of prostate cancer), in addition to an adult child who has traumatic brain injury, and will always be dependent.
I didn't think anything would come of it...but here we are, three years later and still seeing each other. He gives me more than even my ex-husband did....total acceptance for who I am....with scars, weight, ostomy etc.
At the beginning, he sensed my inhibition, and then started "tracking it". / with humor. He wanted me to feel comfortable....about my body, and with him. He's a few years younger than I am, and is still working. He teases me that he never thought he'd be sleeping with an "old" grandma.... (now he's a grandpa too).
We both have some functional issues, and he/we treat them with humor and compassion. I wiggled too hard getting off the bed and "left something behind". Not an issue, although I was mortified. He talks about "how hard he used to get", and I say, and my boobs used to stand up....and we laugh, and are grateful for another chance at happiness and sexual fulfillment.
So for those of you who are doubting yourselves....take the time to get to know your own, new body...If you love it, someone else will too...I never thought that would happen to me, again....but it has. Going through what we have gives you the strength of character to look for what you want.....when you're ready.
Best regards to all
Marsha