Struggling with Body Image and Intimacy After Ostomy

Hopefully we'll talk later!!!! Angelica

Is it here that we can reach out and be reached out to?

True that cats

How do I do that exactly?

Go with low-rise anything...

Hey cats, what are you talking about low rise?

Low rise jeans. I was so excited yesterday that I got into a pair of jeans. Then I sprung a leak while I was driving. Luckily, I went to a friend's house that used to care for his mom's colostomy.

You were saved like I was at the nail shop; did you have a change with you? I always have a change in the trunk.

How do you do what? This is like the second time I asked you to do what?

When you say "said," how do I know that exactly what are you talking about? You keep sending me that. Somebody is sending it. I don't know what you mean?

Having a bag makes being naked one of the scariest ideas. On top of that, my surgery went septic three times and the acids spilled all over my stomach, requiring more emergency surgery to remove all of the skin from my midsection. For a while, I could see my small intestine and gallbladder openly since there was no longer a wall protecting my organs. It is still healing over a year later, and my stomach now looks like a shark took a cantaloupe-sized bite out of my gut and a bag hanging right next to it. It looks like something out of an alien movie because you can see my insides moving. Looking in the mirror can be so intimidating, but I just keep reminding myself that I should be dead after the trauma of surgery, but my body got me through it. I am alive when I easily couldn't be, and this body needs to be loved and respected because it is still working to keep me alive. Perspective is huge on keeping me going. But when it comes to some extra boosts, I have found a few things to help. The big one: corsets. The boobless ones are best. It helps to still feel bold with your body, but covers the bag and also provides great support. Let me know if you want others.

Hello sdp85, you sent this to me. Ycats did this blog. Have a good one! You are blessed. Angelucalarie

Thank you SDP85, your post is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I felt the same way in the beginning...it was a real change seeing myself with the pouch hanging off of my stomach. I wear high-waisted boyshorts that help. I tried a corset but I felt like I couldn't breathe....maybe I needed the next size...LOL. Anyway, thank you again for your post and great perspective....we are here because of our surgery and stoma. Thank you God for the second chance! Take care. LadyHope

Thank goodness for this post. My ileo is temp due to an emergency surgery. Bowel blockage, ruptured appendix, and septicemia from lesions, etc. I was on a respirator after surgery for a few days. All this over what I had thought was a tummy virus. Even a 50-mile transport from one hospital to get stabilized.

In saying this, my other half was there with me through the first sign of an upset tummy to me being told I was very, very sick. The ambulance driver outdrove his lead foot on the interstate.

Our intimate moments now? Open wound care and bag changing. Yep, a once shapely girl turned to way too skinny (bony-looking) to yuck. But... He says, "You're alive!" That's what we say. I'm only 2 months and exactly 1 day out now from my new me. Not long, so I'm still healing. It will come at some point. I'm not afraid nor will I be afraid of the new body. I was more shy before this. If anything, he's seeing me bare-skinned, lights on and all more! Lol.

Don't be ashamed of your body. I've been small to large to now too skinny. Be yourself. The inside is your beauty. Self-confidence is what drives the mind. Then the body will just be an afterthought. I'm 44, and I am proud to say I'm alive. Bag or no bag. With or without a relationship. Friends or just me. Rock your self-confidence, and you'll get the support. If not, then ask yourself if the bag truly is the reason. I'm sure maybe if you sit down and just tell him you won't break in half, you might get the conversation going.

For now, I'm just recovering. I can't and won't do anything since I'm still open, and I'm still having pains (stoma site and irritation). But later, I have no shame. I didn't change, and he literally wants hands-on in the wound dressing and bag changing area (I do take off the adhesive myself though, that mess hurts my tender skin). So if he can touch it, he can handle the fact I'm not perfect. He just says I got this. Lol. Heck, I guess that's his way of intimacy or ours.

Believe me, a good talk and a few questions will open doors. You're too beautiful to feel this way. My operation might have saved us. Seriously!

My depression is the dang bags and healing sore at my stoma. Huge depressive state is not riding my motorcycle! I think everyone has a downside. I managed to get out just last week for the first time, one hurdle over.

You got this. Use your mind and forget the mirror. Society has everyone thinking we must look perfect. Perfection comes from within.

Hope you are having a great day! Stay blessed!

Jen

Hi. Liked your post. I think that a useful thing is the wrap done by Ostomy Secrets and I think they have a US arm. It's a bit like a basque but you can wear it whenever. It's very useful for intimacy. A lot with intimacy is in the mind in my view; both of the person with a stoma and of course with those they encounter. Very amused by the alien stuff but I realize it's a serious and heartfelt topic.

I'm considering getting a wrap done by them. I bought another one that you cut yourself and yes, I do believe I've ruined that one. Using a wrap is going to be a must for me, it looks like. Between just walking around or getting back to riding, I need one. The weight, I believe, causes me more skin irritation than needed. Intimate moments are still at dressing and bag changes. But that's fine since I'm not healed. Either way, my health comes first and the wound needs to heal.  

Guess I just need to go ahead and order a wrap from them. My only chance in getting back to my feet without this bag not feeling like a part of me!  

Great reply to a newbie for sure! Thank you for the insight!

Stay blessed and by all means, healthy! Jenn

Hi Jen, I hear what you're saying but I didn't write "self image." But welcome to the site. Angelicamarie

Hi, the wrap is useful whether for normal wear or intimate moments and it's I guess the case that maybe a few manufacturers do them. I think that they say that you need a size down for intimate moments. I am a 34-inch waist and use a medium mostly (male differs from female sizes with Ostomy secrets). Comfizz does wraps that are not pocket-like and they are handy too as they can be worn over an elastic belt if using one. Ostomy secrets has, I believe, a US arm too.

With wounds, there may be some mileage on approaching a manufacturer who can create a specialized waistband which can accommodate a dressing. Though mostly I guess one works around a problem with what one has.

For a man or woman, the stoma shield is useful but less vital if your stoma is lower. I guess it can also be used to stop abrasion on a waist-height wound? A lot is trial and error. We have the NHS in the UK which helps, but it does not cover all needs.

Good wishes. Stephen

Hi gyrfalcon371, good morning to you. I didn't write that blog. Best wishes, angelicamarie.

Angelicamarie - Hi, sorry it was a further message to the author of the blog!

Jenn - Hi, see above for further ideas about wraps and the like!

Hi, Hen is not the author either. Have a great day

This is late.

If you feel uncomfortable/hate your body, then your partner will too.

If you feel self-confident and unembarrassed in and of your body, this will make things much easier for your partner.

It's liberating to go to a nude beach, a public shower in a gym, a sauna, ... you get the idea. The first time is hard, but it gets easier.

We all need to remember we have this condition not because we did something stupid, like got drunk and wreaked our car, it's a surgery which saved our lives and we should not be embarrassed by that fact and the result.

All the best for you.

Mike Q

Hi ycats, there are men and there are real men - men who can love you and want to make love to you no matter what your body looks like. You sound like you are thinking you have to please him no matter what but guess what - no you don't, he needs to please you and come up to your expectations. If a guy can't or can't be bothered loving you deep down and feels threatened by your body, then he's no man in my books.

Having said that, you sound very fragile, so why not give sex a break for a while until you feel more confident. Maybe buy yourself some sexy gear and put it in the drawer for later. You need your confidence improved and no one can do that for you except you. But a nice guy might accelerate the option of self-love again.

I'm in my second marriage and dated quite a bit in between to say that you read like you are trying too hard, too soon. I've got a body with scars all over, double mastectomy, and ileostomy pouch, but my man says I've got a great body. Love is in the eye of the beholder.

Stay calm, have a break, and go back when you have more confidence - but maybe not to that one!

Laurel

When I had my colostomy, I bought several colorful tube tops. I would put those around my waist and I bought them big so I could wear a couple at a time and bunch them up so my colostomy bag didn't show through. It's very hard to feel sexual when you are wearing a colostomy bag, I will be the first to admit it. But my husband was grateful I "came around" because he didn't have the same opinion of my body as I did, and I'm certain it's the same in your situation too!!!