Yesterday was the 17th year to the day when my Dad died - I was 8 months pregnant at the time and just did not have the time to deal with it - it is only now after having another child who is now 15, and after my 11 years of health 'issues' that I am seeing a psychotherapist who is actually trying to help me deal with all these emotions along with the thoughts about my health at the moment and my upcoming surgery and whether to have a permanent ileo or colostomy when (rather than 'if', it appears) my fistula repair is unsuccessful. (However I'm off to London for a very costly 3rd and final opinion from someone who deals with problems like mine but from the gynae angle - will keep you posted!)
There are days when I could just sit and cry all day - I used to be an intelligent, working, strong, healthy and fit(ish), person, and in those 11 years I have gradually become the opposite due to a mixture of depression, drug side effects and other health issues which have all come along as a result of a very small hole which will not heal. I can no longer walk far, I hurt most of the time, my short term memory has been shot out of me - my motto, 'I look like shit, I feel like shit and half the time I'm covered in shit' is very often the case, BUT, I haven't been 'really sick' like a lot of you, initially I was just inconvenienced, but with all the surgery I've had my body has just reacted and fallen apart........
I know, its just normal to feel like that, its a grieving process - I had adapted to how I am and tried to make the most of what I can do, now it looks as though the process will have to start all over again - (my situation was supposed to have been temporary) as permanancy is looking increasingly likely.
Sorry, I'm rambling, not sure any of that makes sense, but things are getting a little better since talking it over with someone, so Hannah, I do hope that helps, it is normal, you aren't crazy and I am sure that most of us have been there! Hugs from the UK xxx