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Welcome to MeetAnOstoMate
The best place to meet and talk to other OstoMates with 17,396 Members.

Breaking the news

Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 12:50 pm

When is the right time to tell someone if your dating that u have a colostomy? I normally just blurt out and say it lol.

 

Posted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 1:59 pm

GeorgiaMarie,

 

  Welcome to the site!  There are several posts in the forums on this subject.  Below is a link to one of the latest posts.

  https://www.meetanostomate.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=7931&highlight=

 

  When I was actively dating, I was like you and just blurted it out as well.  I think it all depends on what you're looking for when dating someone.  What I mean is, are you looking for someone to share the future with or just a hook up?  I don't mean to be blunt but one of the few things I lost along with my intestine is some of my filter.  The post above shows a lot of points of view.  Hope this helps!

 

Bain

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 1:56 am

Hello GeorgiaMarie.

Who knows what the right time for saying anything is?

The geat thing about blurting it out early on is that it frees you from all the anxiety about how you are going to tell people who you think may need to know. Getting it over with allows you to move on in a relationship without any hidden hang-ups. However, it is worth bearing in mind that there are a great many things you may not have said that could be equally important to you potential friends. An important thing to remember when talking about 'anything' is the old adage " It's not what you say- it's the way that you say it!'  People often say that I am 'funny', or rather , they ask me if I know that I'm being funny. This is because I have the ability to keep a staight face at the same time as delivering relatively amusing conversation. I also have the skill and ability to inwardly laugh at myself  and find the humour in adversity. I find that people appreciate this facet of conversation because it takes the pressure off them from thinking too seriously about any of the more difficult subjects, which touch us all from time to time. 

I have just finished a booklet on 'Humour in sickness' which illustrates the importance of bringing a smile to people's faces and hearts in the face of the adversities accompanying illnesses. The idea that I can use my own experiences to bring amusement to others 'almost' makes having the problems worthwhile and it certainly help me to put a different perspective on the whole coping process.

Although I am not looking for a romantic relationship with anyone other than my wife (of 50years) I do like to make friends along my life's journey and I have never had any problems in mentioning my stoma  and explaining it further to those who express an interest. Their verbal and emotional feedback suggests that they quite enjoy the amusing horror stories associated with 'toilet-humour', which is delivered insuch a way that clearly indicates that I have  confidence and have no problems with it at all. It also indicates that I generally  live a relatively 'normal' existence. (whatever 'normal' is!).

NB: I also have a whole repertoir of amusing conversational snippets about all sorts of other difficult conversational issues such as depression, death and dying, mental illness, bureaucracy, drivers, pollution and a whole lot more that I make up as conversations develop. It is my belief that making people smile is a gift and a skill that should not be wasted just because we may be suffering inside and out ourselves. Rather than pass on the suffering in conversation, I prefer to pass on the humour that is contained in every mishap and adverse situation. This humour often only manifests itself 'after' the event, when we can look back and see the funny side so it actually helps to have 'had the bad' and taken something better from it. 

I hope my rambling on helps to answer your question and I also hope that you find someone who you can share your life with without worrying if you are doing the 'right' thing.

Best wishes

Bill

 

 

Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:48 am

This is a very good post as we face this situation from time to time. It may not be because of a dating situation, but it could be from a new friendship development.   I would say that a person knows, when a person knows.... If you are dating someone seriously and the relationship is heading to the next level, I would think that this is the time to share medical information.  The person will find out eventually so the present may be the best time.  As the saying goes, the ball is in the other person's court at that point.  Some people will accept the situation, and others will not feel comfortable and move on.  At the very least, you know where you stand in the developing relationship and if the relationship has future possibility. Good luck ot you... I have not dated in a long time and was married when I was strickened with severe UC.  But, I was also single a very long time before I got married so am familiar with dating and sharing personal information.  Please keep us posted.  Best wishes to you! Sincerely, LadyHope

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 9:10 am

Hi Georgia. There's a Chinese fortune-cookie factory in San Francisco's Chinatown. While with a small tour group, we were able to write a message on a thin slip of paper and they baked it into the cookie. Mine said, "You will always love 'Silveradokid'." I gave it to my fiancee upon returning to New York. You can google more exact information and have fotune-cookies made saying "You're dating someone who has a Stoma"  or some such pronouncement. Then slip a cookie onto the table while he  (or she) isn't looking and say something like "Oh, Look! A Fortune Cookie. Open It! Let's See What It Says." Voila. I, myself, prefer the 'blurt it out' aapproach. It's a lot easier...  

Posted: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:19 am

If you ask me your already doing it the right way lol, the sooner you tell someone the better in my view

Posted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:23 pm

Aw , thanks, I'm glad to hear that because that's the only way I know how bc they will be super interested or extra grossed out. 

 

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