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dating..or not.. with a colostomy

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Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 7:26 am

Hi.  I have a question for you single ostomates out there who have tried the dating thing.  I haven't gotten up the courage to do that since my colostomy and I'm not sure I ever will.  Could sure use some input on the subject.  When do you tell a prospective date about it?  My gut tells me to put my cards on the table and tell them immediately, thus giving them plenty of time to head for the hills.  But if you do that, you'll never meet anyone.  Should you wait until the first date and then tell them?  Still plenty of time for them to back out with no hard feelings.  How about 2 or 3 dates down the road?  Maybe you'd have a chance to get to know and like someone and vice-versa, but hurt feelings would ensue when they can't handle it.   I'd love to hear some of your experiences, both good and bad, and tips on how you deal or have dealt with such a thing.   I'd love to date a guy who also has a colostomy, but on this site they all live a thousand miles away...so that's not gonna work.  Any advice from anyone on any of it?

Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 2:50 pm

There's no right or wrong way when to tell them just what you feel is the the right thing to do. Just get on living your life going out with family & friends and when the times right you will meet someone and you will be surprised the ones who run when you tell they are few and far between and if they do run there not good enough for you with or without a colostomy. Now get out there have fun and enjoy life 

Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2018 3:59 pm

Easier said than done, Panther, but I'll try.  Thanks for the good words!

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:23 am

I agree with Panther. Get out there and enjoy yourself. There are very few people who have not got something that they would rather not have about themselves and most of them do not share these personal things immediately with potential partners. I feel that what matters most in long-term relationships is not the outward and the physical but those inner things that we only get to know about as we interact with other individuals. Confidence and positivity usually help but if you want a really good relationship, take a look at the techniques adopted by pet animals. They seem to have few problems in winning friends and infuencing people.  

Best of luck

Bill

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:01 am

For a totally "left field" perspective, I was dumped by a bag wearer, the minute she found out my surgery had rendered me impotent.

 

So I guess there is no right or wrong answer to your original question.

 

Good luck.

 

V. J.

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 7:36 am

Thanks for the advice...  It helps to put things in perspective.  That's what I need.  Some perspective.   This is all new and I haven't got a clue about it.  Maybe what I'll do is just try to enjoy myself and not deal with the dating thing.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  It does get lonely though.  Family and friends are one thing and a relationship with a special guy is another thing.  Oh well....guess I'll just not worry about it and try to accept things as they are.  Thanks everybodyl.

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 12:38 pm

Helloooo.. I, myself, have pondered this question of dating? / and how soon to tell? I haven't started dating yet. I'm ready, dragging my feet. My Surgery was last November. My own opinion is I'm going to chat with them, get them to know ME . not my Ostomy. I'm not announcing it up front. If on a dating site, offline. I will tell them before meeting, will save us both time. I fear getting rejected or hurt down the road. Not fair to both of us. Good luck.. Smile

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:03 pm

I became impotent. Have been since ileostomy in 2005. Fortunately I rarely dated, so it is what it is.

 

I'm Dave, BTW.



Last edited by annie2006 on Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:08 pm

I became impotent. Have been since ileostomy in 2005. Fortunately I rarely dated, so it is what it is. I do get lonely but I will not put myself out there. A bag AND impotent! Two for one deal!

 

I'm Dave, BTW. Originally from SD...!

 

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:47 pm

hi, I'm in the same boat.  I'm been too chicken to date.  I'm mad at myself for this, but I just can't get over the hurdle.  It is extremely upsetting when I'm approached & I have to shut it down because I just can't do it.

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 4:58 pm

Please everyone, don't be chicken or afraid. You are all wonderful People as you are, with or without an ostomy!

it does not define you, you are YOU, and you have come through some pretty hairraising surgery to have a stoma, be so proud to have survived.  I am single and only had my ileostomy 6 months, but my male friends (and more) all know, and it doesn't phase them at all. They are just thankful I'm still alive as they've seen what a hard journey I've had post op.    If I meet anyone new I will tell them early on, but anyone who is worthy of you will not be bothered by it. Good luck and my best to you

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 6:00 pm

I've had my ostomy for 54 years -- I was 15. About dating -- several episodes. My first love was in high school and I told him as we were getting towards intimacy. Did not seem to be a problem.  I'm on my second marriage and had limited dating in between.  Turns out the type of person I was attracted to was not repulsed by my being an ostomate. I was never one to enter a relationship quickly, so took the time to get to know the person and was able to discuss this with him before I fell in love (or vice versa!). I wish you well.

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 8:01 pm
Thanks everybody. I seem I'm not alone in the "chicken" thing. You've all expressed my fears and reservations. It's a tough one, isn't it? Thanks for all the good wishes. I wish you all the best too!
Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 10:53 pm

Anyone who rejects you simply because you have a bag isn't worth your time anyway. I was 37 and a single mum when I had my op. Once I was recovered and ready to start dating it was scarey having to tell a new man but once I did it they weren't even slighly bothered. It was more me being embarassed. They didn't care at all. So don't be afraid. You couldn't have a relationship before if you were too sick so this is much better overall. I am so lucky I have a kind loving man now who is just grateful I am well and healthy. Sometime I ask him if it bothers him at all and he just says he never even thinks about it. There are really great people out there, just give them a chance!!

Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 5:16 am

I know there are great people out there...it's finding them that's difficult. I guess.  I'm glad you have the kind of a guy whom it doesn't bother.  I know it wouldn't have bothered my husband either.  I wish he were still here.  When you mentioned it was more you being embarrased than it bothering the guy, that hit home.  I think it's that way with me too.  Even if I found the right person who could accept the colostomy, I'm not sure that I could handle it because of the embarrassment.  That's something I need to work on.  How did you get over that?

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