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Desperate for advice!

Posted by Finallyready72, on Fri Aug 17, 2018 8:31 pm

Here we go all this something new to me so please be patient with me I've had ostomy surgery almost a year ago.  But since my surgery my husband don't touch me We haven't had No SEX , no affectionate I make sure I keep My bag clean @ All times he don't smell it. I wear sexy clothes & etc.. Before my surgery we were very sexual!!  Can someone PLEASE tell what do I need to do to let him know that I'm still the same person just BUT with ostomy bag? 

Reply by NJ Bain, on Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:41 pm

Finallyready72,

 

  It's a tough call.  Even if a loved one was going through the process with you, they still may not know everything.  There are so many variables here.  He may be afraid he's going to hurt you.  Or it's possible that he may not feel the same way about you.  It's a harsh truth, but it's realistic.  Your best option is to talk to him.  Get everything out on the table.  Communication is key.  This may be a painful process, but it has to be done.

  I know the vows say in sickness and in health, but some people can't handle it when they are actually confronted with it.  If he's worth his weight in salt, he will come around.  But you have to find out what's going on in his head.  Talk to him.

  I wish I had better words of encouragement.  I wish you the best.

 

Bain

Reply by xnine, on Fri Aug 17, 2018 9:56 pm

I do not know but what would perk my interest is if you would touch yourself. Let him know your parts still work. I think you might have to be more aggressive. Pull his pants off and spank his butt. That should get his attention.

I am on the other end where my wife has regulated me to once a week if I want it or not.

 

Please do not be offended I am trying to be straightforward.

Reply by Finallyready72, on Sat Aug 18, 2018 9:59 am
NJ Bain wrote:

Finallyready72,

 

  It's a tough call.  Even if a loved one was going through the process with you, they still may not know everything.  There are so many variables here.  He may be afraid he's going to hurt you.  Or it's possible that he may not feel the same way about you.  It's a harsh truth, but it's realistic.  Your best option is to talk to him.  Get everything out on the table.  Communication is key.  This may be a painful process, but it has to be done.

  I know the vows say in sickness and in health, but some people can't handle it when they are actually confronted with it.  If he's worth his weight in salt, he will come around.  But you have to find out what's going on in his head.  Talk to him.

  I wish I had better words of encouragement.  I wish you the best.

 

Bain

Hello Brian I thank you so much for your help I really needed to hear that I've tried communicating with him I have  cried and talked to him about it telling him how I felt and everything and he'll say I'm going to do better I'm going to do better but nothing ever CHANGES nothing but One day I was looking through got his phone to get a phone number & the 1st thing I see is he  on p*** sites so I don't know what to do!! Im kind of stuck we don't communicate anymore we don't do anything !! This ostomy bag has CHANGED MY LIFE I HATE THIS BAG I REALLY DO!! 

Reply by Finallyready72, on Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:10 am

Hello xnine I THANK you but I've tried It ALL he now sleeps in the guest bedroom or on the couch!! Ive had my ostomy nurse & doctor to talk with him I've suggested counseling... This ostomy Bag has really CHANGED my Life for the worse I've lost my husband sexually! He still does evetything else but NO SEX NO AFFECTION NO KISSING OR ETC!! 

Reply by ron in mich, on Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:11 am

Hi finallyready do some grilling, burgers and lots of beers or drinks and slowly work around to the subject maybe he will let on whats bothering him.

Reply by Finallyready72, on Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:20 am

Hey ron in mich We bbq on the norm basically every weekend so I've talked to him. He keep telling me He s gonna do better. But when the time comes it NEVER happens NEVER this been going on for almost a year. I'm trying to stay prayerful & hopeful. But it hurts that your spouse don't look @ you the same.. I've told him baby you're not gonna hurt me.  It will be okay. Still NOTHING!! 

Reply by xnine, on Sat Aug 18, 2018 4:10 pm

Write something on your bag, like do me or something similar. Sorry to say you are not the only one that is going through this. The story is the same and unsually the man. The only other thing I can think of is porn you could watch together.

Reply by xnine, on Sat Aug 18, 2018 5:37 pm

This may help. http://www.cancer.ca/en/?region=ab. Look at About Us at the bottom and select Resource publications. The publication Sex, Intimacy and Cancer is about 47 publications down. Hope you find it helpful.

Reply by NJ Bain, on Mon Aug 20, 2018 12:45 am

FR,

  I wish I had something wiser to say.  But I don't.  Your ostomy is a part of you now.  It's what has allowed you to live.  The fact that your husband can't see the gift before him makes me sad for you both.

  If he can't see the miracle in front of him, maybe it wasn't meant to be.  A friend once told me about the blind theory.  That if one lost sight, it truly gives you the ability to see through the bs and know a person on such an intimate level.  Beauty is only skin deep.  If your man does not see the beauty in you, or the fact that you are alive because of your ostomy, then he is not worth being your husband.

  The fact that you found incriminating things on his phone proves 2 things.  One, he is looking at sites showing womens private parts.  I don't know if they are dating or hook up sites or what.  Two, you no longer trust him.  For if you trusted him, you wouldn't have touched his phone.  Again, it's a tough call.

  You have to do right by you and your children.  It's hard on a spouse to accept the new you.  But if love truly endures all, he would have no issue with your ostomy.  He may be afraid, he may say he'll do better.  But it's been a year.  And if he hasn't come around, you may have a harsh reality coming.  If he's sleeping in the guest room, either he's terrified, doesn't know how to deal, or he wants to be with someone without a bag because he is ignorant that you are the same woman he fell in love with.

  I don't say this lightly.  I wish I could wave a wand and all would be perfect.  But the real world is cruel.  We live this life the best way we can.  And there are so many people that are so much worse off than we are and we take so much for granted.  If your man continues to give you the run around, you may have to consider the fact that this change is not the best for both of you. 

  I'm a realist FR, and I don't deal with bs.  When I was planning the surgery, my gf at the time wasn't sure how'd she feel about me afterward.  And I understood.  But we had 11 wonderful years together.  3 years before surgery and 8 years after.  We both realized that we weren't meant to be as we got older, and moved on.  I pray and hope you can work it out with him, but the realist in me says it's time to move on.  You and yours are in my prayers.  I pray you find a solution.

All my hope,

 

Bain

Reply by Immarsh, on Mon Aug 20, 2018 1:40 am

Hi Finally Ready....I'm sorry for all you're going through. My name is Marsha,a nd Ii've had my surgery since I was 15...that's 50 years ago.    I married a man who also had an ileostomy, so that was never the issue.  But when I became pregnant with our first child, he was afraid of " hurting the baby', and so he avoided intimacy, and sex with me for weeks after we found out I was pregnant.  And then even more so, when I started to show.   I had a really serious talk with him....telling him that I was ok with sex, and the doctor said it was fine....so if this marriage was going to continue...he had to be accepting...   9 months is a long time to not be intimate..   It wasn't easy for him.....and he remained hesitant, but he got over the " fear" if that was it.  We didn't have the same issue again, when I had baby # 2.    You've gotten a lot of advice from people on the site, but perhaps you both need professional help.  He needs to face what you've been through, and realize that rejecting you is hurtful to you, and your marriage.   You can suggest a romantic, make out session,   just you and him....no kids around, and not try for intercourse.....just holding, hugging, kissing, to see if he can handle you "' dressed" in romantic night clothes.  If the sight of the pouch is a turn off,  ( get him to admit it) some people are about to find " tube" tops, or over ups....or pouch covers,  that hide the pouch , and what's inside.   I've dated men, for whom my ostomy didn't matter, while others, walked out of the room when I told them what I had ( in my pants) never to return.   sadly....it was their loss.   If you feel you tried all you could....and still are not making progress....let him know that you can't go on living this way.......if that's what you really want.   Perhaps the fear of losing you, and his family might make him face reality....   WE all wish you the best of luck..     Marsha

Reply by AH86, on Tue Aug 21, 2018 8:10 pm

Its a major change having a ostomy mentally and physically. In a perfect world we would love to believe our  love ones will understand and accept us but truthfully it’s not always the case.  Just remember your VALUE!!!!!

Reply by KathyMac423, on Tue Aug 21, 2018 9:37 pm

Leave his ass!! If he loves you he would work thru it!!!

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Aug 21, 2018 10:57 pm

Great conversation tonight. I, myself had a Male Friend ( just Friends) for 5 years. Years ago he was very interested in becoming more. Started that time I was helping a very sick Friend get through Lung Cancer. He eventually passed. In time, I became sick with Rectal cancer. I hadn't really talked to him for awhile. I did eventually  tell him why I've been out of the loop for awhile. He completely did a 180 turn around. His true colors finally came out. He dropped me after I told him. It goes to show the true Person. I'm still Linda, still funny. I'm thankful everyday I'm alive. I'm lucky, I've had no issues with my Ostomy, none. At times I forget I have Her. ( Stella) I know the right Guy is out there. I'm a better Person for being so blessed to live. Hang in there.. Please. So. Im not sure how long to give your Husband.. We all need to be loved. God Bless

Reply by NancyAnn, on Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:34 pm

Hi, This sounds like it is his problem. You are more than willing. An ostomy shouldn't change anything. Maybe he should talk to the doctor himself and get advice. But communication between you is very important. Ask him what the problem really is. 

 

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