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Sex after ileostomy

Posted by mohouser, on Tue Jan 01, 2019 7:07 pm

I had Crohn's and got an ileostomy in 2009. I am a 65 year old man who has been married since 1972. I have read similar stories as mine on this site. My wife is my ostomy nurse (she helps me shave and change my bag). I don't know what I would do without her. But, that is where the love stops. Since the surgery we have become nothing more than roommates. The sex and romance are gone. It wasn't great for the ten years of battling Chron's prior to my surgery either. She simply has no interest and will not talk about it. She hasn't looked me in the eyes and told me she loves me in a long time. She doesn't kiss me goodnight anymore. She hasn't asked for sex in twenty years. I have contemplated divorce for many years. Since the surgery I have a mild case of ED, requiring a 1/4 Viagra, I believe due to nerve damage. The one or two feeble attempts at sex each year end in no orgasm for me. Her attention span for sex is 4-5 minutes. I have read a lot of posts about this subject but, no solutions. I am lonely and there are no options left it appears. I guess that if I was single there would be a glimmer of hope because I could maybe find a lady with an ileostomy and who still wants to get intimate.

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Jan 01, 2019 10:28 pm

With, a little, respect.

Hi, I've lived this from the other side of the coin.

How would you carry on without the last bit of HERSELF SHE CARES TO GIVE to you? Yet you have the audacity to expect even more!

You haven't got a f*n clue how hard it is to care for someone have you? Day and night when doing so kills that caring person so slowly, yes it does! More so when you are treated like what you clean up.

In Sue's case she appeared not to care, the outbursts, delirium et.c were mainly drug induced, no sexual contact at all, not that normal sex could've been an option.

Deep inside I so knew she cared and I'm certain she appreciated every day of us being together and whatever I did for her.

Think yourself VERY Privileged anyone actually cares about you at all, not many folk in life have that luxury.

I'd best not say anymore.

Think on this,

Courtesy of a friend and the guy who wrote it..

The One who loves you will never leave you for another because even if there are 100 reasons to give up he or she will find one reason to hold on.

There is a big difference between a human being and being human. Only a few really understand it.

It's a new year, you've been given a chance at life, try to stop being a selfish twat(pregnant fish!!) and show your wife some appreciation, before someone who's shit bag she doesn't have to change does!


Reply by Bill, on Wed Jan 02, 2019 3:14 am

Hello mohouser. Thank you for sharing you thoughts and concerns on this very personal subject. I feel that Steve's reply comes across as very blunt and to the point. His statement about 'a little respect', seems to be more directed at your wife than towards you as the rest of his post comes across as giving you little or no respect for your own feelings on the matter. However, although I would not have worded my reply in the same fashion as Steve, that does not mean that I think he is entirely wrong in what he says and means. 

What I do think, is that people with concerns such as yours should feel that they can express those concerns on a site like this with a view to getting support. 

If I had time, I would hope to help you through the process of putting aside your own emotions  and think this through logically from all perspectives. If the process of thinking and talking things through logically works well, then you might eventually come to similar conclusions to that which has been expressed so curtly by Steve. I would therefore urge you to put aside the apparent hostility in his reply and consider the underlying messages, which may well have some relevance to how you might proceed with the relationship with your wife in future. 

I have written many rhyming verses on the subject of 'Caring' and most of them concentrate on the very difficult practical and emotional tasks this entails. The act of physical sex does not necessarily indicate love or caring, as many a prostitute might attest to. What you seem to have is someone who really cares about you in a very practical way. This may have displaced the sexual activity but is no less valuable in terms of an ongoing relationship.  You might want to consider the situation from another perspective: Wanting or demanding sex from someone who doesn't want to participate is almost the definition of rape. If not that, then it can sometimes come across as selfishness or bullying. If you have a definite concept of what you want in terms of the sexual experience, then maybe thinking about it and masterbating at the same time could help relieve the sexual urge.

I am not in favour of coercing someone to participate in activities that they may not enjoy, so for me, it would be a matter of balancing my own wants with the wants and needs of the other person.

I doubt if this will help you that much, but you were asking for comments so I ( and Steve) have obliged in this sense.

Best wishes


Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Wed Jan 02, 2019 5:19 am

Hi.  After reading your post, I have a feeling that the problems with your wife and your sex life may very well have nothing to do with your ileostomy at all.  You said you were having problems before the ileostomy and your wife is your ostomy nurse, so she is quite familiar with ostomies.  Your ostomy is no shock to her any longer.  The sort of problem you describe can happen in any marriage and when it does, it may be time for a little couples therapy.  She obviously still loves you because she is still there for you.  If I were you, I would just forget about the ostomy and work on things from a different angle that doesn't involve the ostomy or ED.   I don't think that is where the problem lies.  Just a feeling I have...from a woman's point of view.   Good luck to you both.


Last edited by Past Member on Fri Jan 11, 2019 8:14 am; edited 1 time in total
Reply by veejay, on Wed Jan 02, 2019 5:15 pm

Wow....what a way to start the new year!


I guess that's what this site is all about.

(I've never considered it a dating site)


A place for anyone and everyone to write, vent, editorialise, opine, criticise, take criticism and so on.


Anyhoo, to all the members of the "altered plumbing society" best wishes for a safe and healthy 2019 where ever you are.




P.S. Will we get to 20,000 members this year?

Reply by Pirrip, on Wed Jan 02, 2019 7:26 pm

I'm just glad to be the right side of the grass!


Reply by honestabe, on Thu Jan 03, 2019 8:20 pm

Am widowed 67 male with 4 year colostomy! Very intimate with my live in girlfriend! Doesn’t interfere with our sex life! 

Reply by ron in mich, on Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:14 am
Hi all, I don't understand why she has to shave you and help you change your appliance after ten years, this amounts to her being a care giver and home health nurse, unless there are other issues as eye sight or some handicap.
Reply by looking forward, on Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:06 pm
yup you could have
Reply by honestabe, on Fri Jan 04, 2019 8:29 pm

She shouldn’t have to ask for sex! Why not have some wine and please one another! You both are not getting any younger! Make a move and have fun!

Reply by Gerhard , on Mon Jan 07, 2019 5:28 pm

It’s so good to find someone that is having similar experiences to me. 

It would be so good to meet a lady that enjoys sex and doesn’t mind this awful Stoma bag. 

Reply by AsAlways84720, on Mon Jan 07, 2019 6:27 pm

I have the same problem but am single.  I cannot get an erection, and of course I cannot ejaculate.  It is driving me nuts.  I lost my partner in May and that didn't help.  I have tried Viagra, Lavitra and a couple from the internet.  NOthing works.  If you get an answer and can get back to normal sex functions,  let me know.  Danny in Utah

Reply by honestabe, on Mon Jan 07, 2019 7:12 pm

Danny, go to urologist for ed! I did! No transplant! Trimix compound! Promise, miracle drug and no pain! Will work!

Reply by Gerhard , on Mon Jan 07, 2019 8:04 pm

Hi Danny, After my surgery nothing worked at all. I eventually had a penil implant fitted. A bit of pain in the beginning but it works really well now. 

Be nice to find a lady that will appreciate it though. 

Reply by chet8625, on Tue Jan 08, 2019 3:33 pm

I have to agree with weirdnewlife. I've been married 40+ years and the decrease in my wife's interest in sex had nothing to do with my pouch. Around 45 (20 years ago) she just lost interest and it was a struggle to find intimacy until I finally gave up. There's little kissing becasue she then thinks I want sex (which I want anyway, I just don't express it).


If you were having issues prior to your surgery, you'll have them after, too.

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