Good day everybody, I'm Jim McCay, and welcome to ABCs wide world of stomas. Today's competition features Ostemates from all walks of life from around the globe. Joining me in the broadcast booth is defending bag toss champion and current, "Mr. Rectum USA", the incomparable, BeachBoy. Lots of talent out there today BB. Whats your game plan?
Thanks Jim. Competition looks especially tough. To review: Ostemates snap off their pouch, roll it up, then toss it as far as possible without seepage. Last year I became the world record holder, with a toss of 18 feet 2.3 inches. Well BeachBoy, rumors are, that you cheated. Critics say you munched popcorn the day before, providing solid, heavy output, which gave you an unfair advantage. Oh nooooo Jim. Like a quarterback, I merely rolled the pouch into a football shape, gave it a mighty heave with stabilizing spin. Won me the gold medal.
Ace gossip columnist Flabby is down on the field. How's it looking Flab? Thanks Jim. I'm here with last year's silver medalist, Warrior. What cha' thinkin' W? Well Flab, that Beachboy pulled off an unlikely upset last year, beat me out of the gold medal by 6 inches. I've been working hard on my bag release, and pouch top spin. No way I'm second best this year. Back to you Jim.
First Ostemate in the toss circle is Beachboy. Cracks his knuckles, does some knee bends. Snaps off his Hollister, rolls, and let's it fly. Lands with a solid thud. Officials rush out with the measurement laser. Tally is 18 feet, 4 inches. A new world record. Taking a bow to the cheering crowd, Beachboy is all smiles.
Next up is Warrior. Smiles and waves at the crowd, gives the finger to Beachboy. Steps into the toss circle. Unsnaps his Coloplast. Gives it a slow roll up. Spins around twice, and launches it in a high, perfect arc. It's closing in on Beachboys toss! This could be a new world record, we're witnessing history. But suddenly the velcro closure opens, poop is ejected, flying in all directions, umpires open their umbrellas. The nearly empty bag falls 2 inches short of BB's pouch. Warrior mutters cuss words, gives Beachboy the finger again. Head held high, marches off the field. Oh the humanity.
Flabby catches up to Warrior for his thoughts. For a second, looked like you would defeat your nemesis Beachboy. Where did it all go wrong? Flab, I forgot to attach an IGGIE clamp to the closure. Centrifugal force slung the poop mass at 3 G's toward the drain, forcing it open. This caused rapid bag decompression and loss of flight dynamics. Then gravity took over. Well Warrior... good effort. Maybe next time.
Now in the toss circle is crowd favorite, the "Thunder from down under," IGGIE. Inventor of the innovative bag clip of the same name. Can he beat Beachboy? IGGIE preps his pouch. Rolling and molding it into a funny looking shape, like a large C. He rears back and slings it skyward. It spins and soars. Gets close to Beachboys mark, then makes a U turn and flys back toward IGGIE! When just overhead, IGGIE slaps it with his palm, launching it back over the toss field with a faster spin. The crowd is on their feet. The pouch zips past Beachboys record setting pouch, hovers for a second, and lands 1 foot away! A new world record!
What a performance.
Be sure and tune in next week as ABC's wide world of stoma's brings you the 2nd annual Barrier ring toss championships from New Jersey. Thanks for watching. This is Jim McCay saying 'G day mate.
