Logo for MeetAnOstoMate
Support | Friendship | Relationships
28,358 members
Next >

Hey Ladies..........How about helping a guy out with a dating question

 
This is the best website for people with an Ostomy. So much understanding.

Guys, you can chime in here too........but I really want to get the women's perspective on this one.  Here's my question ladies..........what's the best way to tell a gal you're just not interested in her after she contacts you on a dating site?  I absolutely HATE having to tell someone who put herself out there and contacted me that I'm just not interested.  I mean I dread it.  There's no way I'm going to just not reply..........I was raised better than that, and I just consider it rude. 

I recently got smacked upside my head by a gal who sent me a very long first message on Match.com.  She obviously put some serious time into it, as she went thru my profile and commented on just about everything in it.  I mean it was a LONG message.  So I felt obliged to reply in kind.....and sent her back an equally long reply, covering everything she covered and then a few things from her profile.  But at the end of my message I mentioned that although we seemed to have identical personalities (a good thing), she just didn't make my heart go pitter-patter.  And I didn't want to waste her time by not being honest with her.  Well.......she went ballistic.  Basically saying if I wasn't interested I should have just said so and not sent such a thoughtful reply.  Like I was leading her on.  I understand where she's coming from, but after seeing the time and effort she put into the message she sent me..........I didn't think a "thanks but no thanks" was the correct response.  But I'm guessing she did.

So I'd like you gals to tell me what you think the best way for a guy to say "thanks but no thanks" actually is.  I won't lie, so that's not an option.  What I normally do is find something in her profile that I either don't agree with or think would cause us some problems long term.....and use that as an excuse for us not to give it a go.  I even feel bad about doing that sometimes.  So I'd like to hear what women consider the best way to do this.  Help a guy out here ladies......I'll send the gal with the best answer a free kitten.....or three.  Much thanks in advance.

;0)

bob

PS  Interesting aside.......about a week after I got scolded above I got a message from someone else on Match saying she just saw me in the local supermarket,  recognized me from the site.....and thought I was approachable (whatever that means).  So we started emailing and it turned out the gal above was a good friend of hers.  After she told her friend she was talking to a guy on Match named Bob her friend told her to make sure it wasn't me (which it was).  I explained what happened to girl #2, but that I could only tell her my side of the story and that she should talk to her friend to get her side as well.  She then told me her friend was bit of a control freak.  Go figure.  

 

The one thing I have found about communicating online is that there is always room for misunderstanding.  The best thing (in my eyes) is to make it short and sweet and exit stage left.  Perhaps a simple "I'm sorry; I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck in your search" phrase should do it.  Or, "thank you for contacting me but I'm waiting for another princess" (sorry had to throw that one in there).  There's no easy way to do it which is why being concise and honest is the best way to go.  

MeetAnOstoMate - 28,358 members
 

Wow Bob..you encountered one of our species that is considered a psycho. Sorry but I don't mince words. Nothing you could have done or said would have made it any easier to tell her, thanks but no thanks. 

That right there is what makes me terrified to get back into the dating world. Having to deal with having an ostomy on top of all the normal dating shit that I haven't dealt with in 30 years makes me feel like...well I just don't know. 

 

Hi Bob-  Newyorktorque is absolutely right. And if the girl gets insulted, thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up with her!

 

There seems to be a lot of challenging people on the internet dating sites.. the best thing is not to answer or just say thank you If you are not interested and delete their profile from your mailbox. 

 

Having never been on a dating site, I have little advice but when I have to make a decision, I usually go by my gut instinct. Face-to-face (not facetime) is more my style as sharing too much can go south quickly. Proceed with caution; it could be a jungle out there. If it is someone a short car ride away (for me, short is under 4 hours as Alberta is a big province) meet for coffee and go from there. On the other hand, how someone puts words together can illustrate their temperament, ideology and humor. I agree with the ladies. I am a straight shooter at the best and worst of times so I would just say, “It just doesn’t feel right.” One of my good-result lines to my students, colleagues and friends over the years has been, “Do you want me to tell you what you want to hear, or do you want to hear what I want to tell you.” Or run them by me first, bro.” Just kidding😊

 

Garry Shandling
"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."

 

Bob, I think you probably did go into too much detail in your reply. I would have rather heard something like “I appreciate you taking time and reaching out to me. I just don’t feel like we would be compatible. I wish you the best in your journey finding someone. Good luck”, Bob

 

Hi Bob, I have the same thoughts as lovely. I will say that you are right not to be so cowardly and rude as to not respond. 

Best wishes,

Rebecca

 

Thank you ladies..........I think I'm getting the picture.......you all make good sense.  It's just nice to hear it from the other team.  

regards,

bob

 

H-eh Bob,

Well ... What did you say? What did you say? What did you say? Part of the loop is wanting to know.  K

 

Hi K,

  I haven't said anything yet.......I've got an inbox full of greetings and messages over on Zoosk but wanted to wait until my Match.com subscription expires.....on Friday. I prefer to contact folks one at time and see where it goes, rather than doing what the dating sites tell us guys to do.......which is to email every gal that can move under her own power and play the odds.......if you email enough gals you're bound to get at least a few replies.  That's SO not my style.  

  But I don't want you going away empty handed Sis.........so here's how the story ended for the gal who saw me in the supermarket.  Are you on the edge of your seat?  Ok, scoot on over......I'll wait.  

  So we emailed back a forth a few times, both dismissing her friend as an odd egg.  And she finally posted a pic of herself.  Yeah, she was one of those lurkers who likes looking at pics but doesn't want to put one of herself up there.  That should tell you alot when it comes to online dating sites.  I learned from my last foray on Match.com like 12 years ago that blind dates are really NOT smart things to do.  Ever.  So she puts up her pic, but it's an old one.  Another pet peeve of mine on dating sites.  Gals have a fear of looking too old. Either that or they really think their looks don't change over the course of only 3 or 5 years.  I guess they figure they'll keep looking like they're 35 until their 85 and then one day wake up and be all old and wrinkley.  I don't know.  So they post 3 or 4 pics of themselves from a few years ago.....and then the very last pic they post is a recent one.  UGH! Anyway, she puts up her old pic and that's fine.  Then a day or two later I had to go to the supermarket on my way home from work.  Yeah, you guessed it........guess who's there?  We met on the dairy isle.  Kind of sounds like the intro to a novel, no?  There I was......alone and afraid.....just me, the ice cream, milk and cheeses.  Then she turns around and our eyes lock on each other.  Stephen King has nothing on me........really.

  It took us a second or two to realize we who we were talking to.......or it took ME a few seconds because her hair was half grey, not brown as in the pic she posted, and a lot longer.  But we started coversing right there in front of the yogurt.  And then she started telling me things.  Things I didn't ask about.  Like she has a weird sister.  Who is a little older, but hates her talking to any guys.  And who lives with her....and who she takes care of.  Then I glance up at the end of the isle and from around the corner there's this gal with just her head around the corner glaring at me.  And she looked mean.  When she saw me look her way she pulled her head back and hid.  I didn't make the connection, but the gal I was talking to looked in the same direction and said.........and there she is! 

 Oh boy.........this is getting fun.  I just swung in there to get some cat food.......oh well.  So with her sister gone and doing who knows what......we kept on talking.  Then she told me about her brother.  He was a bit worse than the sister, and he lived with them as well.....he stayed in the van in the parking lot.  I sure hope they left a window open for him.  The Addams Family suddenly came to mind, but at this point I figured......how much worse can it get......might as well let this one play itself all the way out.....I'm pretty sure I'll get a good story out of it.  Silly me.  So she then told me about her Mom, who she also takes care of......and that they all live together in her apartment in town.  You're getting all this, right?  I'm not quite sure what I said to end the conversation, I think we just ran out of things to talk about........but I was polite and told her I'd email her later........which I did.  Well......I did, but she emailed me first.  It was a very apologetic email, and ended with her saying what a great guy I was and that she only hoped I'd at least say "hi" if I ever saw her in a store around town.  Then she pulled her profile off Match and disappeared.  I mean literally vanished.  So I did what any normal guy would do.......I went to the hardware store the next day.....and bought all new locks for my house doors and installed them ASAP.  

  Match used to be a really cool site.  I'm not sure what happened, but it's not the same. At least around here.  So time to try a different site.  Oh.......that reminds me.........I pop into the Osto-Date site every now and then........they have a little ad that pops up on my screen every once in a while saying "The Action is Getting Hot Over Here" or something like that........so I swing by to see if there are any good conversations.  I keep forgetting it's really a dating-only site...they don't have good discussion like we do here.....so nothing to learn over there.  But I did see that one of their new members is a nurse!  So I figure it would be good for us over here if we had an ostomate that was an RN to give us the view from the other side of the fence.  I asked her if she'd mind if I picked her brain a bit.......and she said that was fine.......so I'm going to ask her to come over here and maybe enlighten us on some of our topics.  I'll let you know how it goes.  

  Ok........I just got one more lock to change (on the garge door)........so let me get to it before it gets dark.  I hope I didn't disappoint Sis...........

regards,

Brother Bob

   


 

Thanks for the entertainment Bob, apologies but I laughed so much I almost snorted coffee through my nose.  Good to know I'm not the only one that seems to attract weirdoramas.

And thanks for confirming my beliefs that I am not a good candidate for dating sites nor ever will be, more than happy to be spinsterlicious, single and sensational forever!

I sincerely hope it gets better for you out there in the dating world mate, good luck and happy fishing!

 
w30bob wrote:

Hi K,

  I haven't said anything yet.......I've got an inbox full of greetings and messages over on Zoosk but wanted to wait until my Match.com subscription expires.....on Friday. I prefer to contact folks one at time and see where it goes, rather than doing what the dating sites tell us guys to do.......which is to email every gal that can move under her own power and play the odds.......if you email enough gals you're bound to get at least a few replies.  That's SO not my style.  

  But I don't want you going away empty handed Sis.........so here's how the story ended for the gal who saw me in the supermarket.  Are you on the edge of your seat?  Ok, scoot on over......I'll wait.  

  So we emailed back a forth a few times, both dismissing her friend as an odd egg.  And she finally posted a pic of herself.  Yeah, she was one of those lurkers who likes looking at pics but doesn't want to put one of herself up there.  That should tell you alot when it comes to online dating sites.  I learned from my last foray on Match.com like 12 years ago that blind dates are really NOT smart things to do.  Ever.  So she puts up her pic, but it's an old one.  Another pet peeve of mine on dating sites.  Gals have a fear of looking too old. Either that or they really think their looks don't change over the course of only 3 or 5 years.  I guess they figure they'll keep looking like they're 35 until their 85 and then one day wake up and be all old and wrinkley.  I don't know.  So they post 3 or 4 pics of themselves from a few years ago.....and then the very last pic they post is a recent one.  UGH! Anyway, she puts up her old pic and that's fine.  Then a day or two later I had to go to the supermarket on my way home from work.  Yeah, you guessed it........guess who's there?  We met on the dairy isle.  Kind of sounds like the intro to a novel, no?  There I was......alone and afraid.....just me, the ice cream, milk and cheeses.  Then she turns around and our eyes lock on each other.  Stephen King has nothing on me........really.

  It took us a second or two to realize we who we were talking to.......or it took ME a few seconds because her hair was half grey, not brown as in the pic she posted, and a lot longer.  But we started coversing right there in front of the yogurt.  And then she started telling me things.  Things I didn't ask about.  Like she has a weird sister.  Who is a little older, but hates her talking to any guys.  And who lives with her....and who she takes care of.  Then I glance up at the end of the isle and from around the corner there's this gal with just her head around the corner glaring at me.  And she looked mean.  When she saw me look her way she pulled her head back and hid.  I didn't make the connection, but the gal I was talking to looked in the same direction and said.........and there she is! 

 Oh boy.........this is getting fun.  I just swung in there to get some cat food.......oh well.  So with her sister gone and doing who knows what......we kept on talking.  Then she told me about her brother.  He was a bit worse than the sister, and he lived with them as well.....he stayed in the van in the parking lot.  I sure hope they left a window open for him.  The Addams Family suddenly came to mind, but at this point I figured......how much worse can it get......might as well let this one play itself all the way out.....I'm pretty sure I'll get a good story out of it.  Silly me.  So she then told me about her Mom, who she also takes care of......and that they all live together in her apartment in town.  You're getting all this, right?  I'm not quite sure what I said to end the conversation, I think we just ran out of things to talk about........but I was polite and told her I'd email her later........which I did.  Well......I did, but she emailed me first.  It was a very apologetic email, and ended with her saying what a great guy I was and that she only hoped I'd at least say "hi" if I ever saw her in a store around town.  Then she pulled her profile off Match and disappeared.  I mean literally vanished.  So I did what any normal guy would do.......I went to the hardware store the next day.....and bought all new locks for my house doors and installed them ASAP.  

  Match used to be a really cool site.  I'm not sure what happened, but it's not the same. At least around here.  So time to try a different site.  Oh.......that reminds me.........I pop into the Osto-Date site every now and then........they have a little ad that pops up on my screen every once in a while saying "The Action is Getting Hot Over Here" or something like that........so I swing by to see if there are any good conversations.  I keep forgetting it's really a dating-only site...they don't have good discussion like we do here.....so nothing to learn over there.  But I did see that one of their new members is a nurse!  So I figure it would be good for us over here if we had an ostomate that was an RN to give us the view from the other side of the fence.  I asked her if she'd mind if I picked her brain a bit.......and she said that was fine.......so I'm going to ask her to come over here and maybe enlighten us on some of our topics.  I'll let you know how it goes.  

  Ok........I just got one more lock to change (on the garge door)........so let me get to it before it gets dark.  I hope I didn't disappoint Sis...........

regards,

Brother Bob

   


So I am on the edge of my seat, holding on every word you are saying - very descriptive, I may add and thoughts come into my brain; that happens sometimes.

I think to myself - this has the makings of a soap - a series - you know, something that has more than one episode. Imagine a series dealing with each dating site out there and the goings-ons. I think this way because my daughter has a hobby - she is a filmaker, mostly documentaries. I am familiar with them as I usally do the workshop series that accompanies each film so they can be used in educational settings. Both my kids left home - in a strange way - as I find myself "distance-working" for them a lot.  Before my mom paased away, she and my daughter were writing a horror screen play - my mom loved horror stories and ghosts etc. Imagine entering this horror play submitted by an 87 year old granny  "Hot docs: look out.   https://www.hotdocs.ca

Now back to you Bob ... hmm, your very descriptive words ... could be useful in an artful sort of way.  Just saying...  Ever write a screen play? Oh, K..

 

Hi K,

  That's the power the written word has and will always have over film and video.......your imagination creates the picture rather than you being shown someone elses interpretation of the events. And your mind is a very powerful editing tool.......because it knows what you like, what you don't and what scares the crap out of you.  I'm sure the idea of an online dating experience show has been thought of.  Problem is two-fold....no dating site is going to want to be associated with bad dating experiences.......and neither will any of the people who've experienced them.....except maybe for me.  I've got a ton of online dating stories from when I was on Match a decade or so ago.....some you probably wouldn't believe.  All I'll say is that never having a sister to gleen any femanine ways knowledge put me at a slight disadvantage in terms of what to expect from you gals.  But you didn't disappoint!  

  That should get your imagination going.........eh?  Now about this screenplay???????  Pssst....it's one word Sis.

Hugs and Kisses,

Bro Bob

 

Bob if this is a true story and not just to entertain us please be careful. I watch a lot of tv crime shows that don't alwasy end well. I hope you can meet a nice lady that can meet your expectations, I am sure that special one is out there. Be careful and stay safe

 

Hi Lovely,

  Oh, it's true..........and I've got way more that are more interesting.  Like the gal who refused to let me see what she looked like (but promised me I'd like it) and drove 400 miles to spend the weekend with me.  Or the one that drove only 200 miles to spend the weekend, but she had pics, and I'm still friends with her.  Then there was the blind date with the Lesbian, who probably could have kicked my ass (and I was 200 lbs and 6'2").  I got a million of them.  But I can't spill the beans and ruin K's big plans for our screenplay!!  You'll just have to watch every episode......but I promise it will be worth it!!

Take care,

bob  

 
Irishileo wrote:

Wow Bob..you encountered one of our species that is considered a psycho. Sorry but I don't mince words. Nothing you could have done or said would have made it any easier to tell her, thanks but no thanks. 

That right there is what makes me terrified to get back into the dating world. Having to deal with having an ostomy on top of all the normal dating shit that I haven't dealt with in 30 years makes me feel like...well I just don't know. 

Hi Irish,

  To be fair...........there are probably just as many "psychos" of the male persuasion on the sites as well.  Remember the dating pool consists primarily of those who never got married (for whatever reason) and those that got divorced (for whatever reason).  So the saying "the good ones are already taken" has some validity to it, as they're still married to each other.  So you have to expect going in that it's going to be a rocky ride at best.  You learn very quickly what the signs are of someone.....let's say.....a bit outside the norm from what you're looking for.  But there are gems in amongst the rocks, but you have to put the legwork in to find them.  

  So don't be terrified......and don't sit on the sidelines.......get in there and give it a try.  Nothings is worse than having regrets down the road that you didn't try.  Just be careful, don't give out too much info too soon, and be mindful of your pics, what you're wearing in them, and what's in the background.  There was one gal I was interested in who (for some strange reason) posted a pic of her son wearing his high school football uniform and another pic of her wearing a T-shirt with the name of a school on her chest that she blacked out in the photo editor.  I was curious as to how much I could find out about her.  I simply looked up her son's high school football team roster, found him from the number on his jersey.....that gave me her last name......she said she was a teacher in her profile...so I assumed she taught at the school who's name was on her T-shirt (I was able to blow up the pic and see the name of the school she tried to cross out).  Then I Googled that school and checked the faculty list for a female teacher with her son's last name.  BINGO.  Now I had her full name.  I simply Googled that and I knew where she lived, who her ex was, who in her family had died (and the names of her siblings)......I probably knew more about her than probably she did.  The moral of the story is just be careful with what's in the pics you post of yourself.  Don't give out too much info....because there are idiots out there that sit and play on the computer (like I did in this case) all day.  And if I could find out that much about a total stranger in the whole 10 minutes it took me........imagine what I could have found out about her if I spent a couple hours on it.  

  Again, not trying to terrify you so you don't give online dating a try.  I've made a lot of really good friends on these sites, so overall the good outweighs the bad......at least for me.  Just don't be naive......and make sure your trust is earned.....and not given away.  Now get out there and have fun.  And wash your damn hands.........there's a virus going round out there!!

Keep it real,

bob

 
newyorktorque wrote:

Garry Shandling
"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."


And after the date, you can drop her off anywhere!

 

Yeah......but the problem is all I ever see on the street corners are homeless GUYS!  Doesn't seem like their are many homeless women.

;0)

Bob

 
Irishileo wrote:

Wow Bob..you encountered one of our species that is considered a psycho. Sorry but I don't mince words. Nothing you could have done or said would have made it any easier to tell her, thanks but no thanks. 

That right there is what makes me terrified to get back into the dating world. Having to deal with having an ostomy on top of all the normal dating shit that I haven't dealt with in 30 years makes me feel like...well I just don't know. 


It's really difficult to guage what kind of person you're responding to on a dating site, I suppose. Hard enough to have 'the conversation' in real life. Bob's dilemma sums up the problem of expectations -the woman in question obviously built that encounter up in her own mind and the resulting let-down was completely disproportionate to the situation.  Bob may have to cushion the blow by claiming to have met someone in his own town who he is interested in, in order to let the woman down gently without causing her self-esteem to plummet!   The harder question for me is how you tell someone that you carry your waste disposal system on your abdomen! Shock horror - the nice people are kind and courteous, so steer clear of the oddballs! Good luck Irishileo.    


 
newyorktorque wrote:

The one thing I have found about communicating online is that there is always room for misunderstanding.  The best thing (in my eyes) is to make it short and sweet and exit stage left.  Perhaps a simple "I'm sorry; I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck in your search" phrase should do it.  Or, "thank you for contacting me but I'm waiting for another princess" (sorry had to throw that one in there).  There's no easy way to do it which is why being concise and honest is the best way to go.  


You are absolutely correct and is the best approach leaving no question as to the intent using a gracious response.

 

Hey Bob. Ever since the internet entered our homes and lives, instant gratification has become the expected standard.

So when you reached out to that woman using an excess of time and space, she concluded that time = interest. An

assumption borne from loneliness and the expectation of fulfillment from a site dedicated to those in a similar isolation.

With electronic relationships it's probably better to "cut to the chase." Heck, maybe that's even considered "being a gentleman!"

By the way, just as a side note. I met my wife on Match-dot-com. Luckiest day of her life was sending me a wink...   lol... 

 
newyorktorque wrote:

The one thing I have found about communicating online is that there is always room for misunderstanding.  The best thing (in my eyes) is to make it short and sweet and exit stage left.  Perhaps a simple "I'm sorry; I don't think we're a good match.  Good luck in your search" phrase should do it.  Or, "thank you for contacting me but I'm waiting for another princess" (sorry had to throw that one in there).  There's no easy way to do it which is why being concise and honest is the best way to go.  


Torquey,

  Girl, I think you're right.  I did what you said for the last 12 gals that wanted to chat.....to each I replied "Torquey doesn't think we're a good match, and tells me to tell you good luck with your search"......and not one of them has written me back to complain!!!  

  JACKPOT...........You ROCK sister!

;0)

bob

 

I believe in being upfront and honest in all my relationships.  If I am not feeling the "spark" it is only polite and fair to let the person know that the chemestry just feels wrong.  With that said, letting someone down with kindness goes a long way.  Thank them for being brave enough to actually take the step to start looking for a companion again, let them know that you feel that you are not the right match for them and wish them the best of luck in their search.  Also, do not continue to answer any requests for conversation from them after that.  You do not want to put out the wrong signals.  I believe God has a wonderful mate for everyone.  We just have to wait on His timing, not ours.  

 

I think a lot gets lost in translation when messaging! You really don't know a person until in my opinion you meet in person! Some people are just not great communicators when messaging and I've been shocked at times dismissing them through written words but then happily surprised when meeting them! So in they're defense maybe a second look in person could surprise you!!!

T

 
Scuba_diver1972 wrote:

I think a lot gets lost in translation when messaging! You really don't know a person until in my opinion you meet in person! Some people are just not great communicators when messaging and I've been shocked at times dismissing them through written words but then happily surprised when meeting them! So in they're defense maybe a second look in person could surprise you!!!

T


Hi T,

  I'd have to agree with you about the messaging........it's a very cryptic form of communication, yet people seem to like it.  Actually, it seems people prefer the crudest forms of communication over the most advanced.  Messaging via a phone or online is really nothing more than communicating via telegraph, except it doesn't take multiple keystrokes to form letters and then words.  The funny part is we have the technology to videophone, and have had it for some time, but people don't really want to show their facial expressions or jestures in real time......and want an easy way to end a conversation.  Personal interaction on all levels is down these days.....it speaks volumes about society's ills.  You're also right that not everyone is a great communicator.  Many can't detect sarcasm, which really doesn't work without context and voice cues to go along with it.  It is truly a wacky world we live in.  So both your points are good.......but unfortunately sometimes in life you don't get a second chance to make a good first impression.......so folks really should brush up on their communication skills.  Won't happen....but it's what should happen.  You take care.

regards,

bob


 
newyorktorque wrote:

Garry Shandling
"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over."


LOL :)

 
Scuba_diver1972 wrote:

I think a lot gets lost in translation when messaging! You really don't know a person until in my opinion you meet in person! Some people are just not great communicators when messaging and I've been shocked at times dismissing them through written words but then happily surprised when meeting them! So in they're defense maybe a second look in person could surprise you!!!

T

I refer to texting, social media, etc. as artificial communication, but that's our world today. I don't do Facebook or any of the social media things. I like to keep things basic and simple. 



 

Well if you want some advice from an old lady, here goes: Just tell her you, well never mind 

* Please, do not post contact information, personal information or advertising.
All times are GMT - 5 Hours