THROUGHOUT MY LIFE I have had plenty of dental work done. I've had wisdom teeth yanked, root canals, crowns installed, two implants and, of course, cavities filled and cleanings. But the one and only procedure that I have wanted to have done, my dentist adamantly refuses to do: I want him to extract my sweet tooth.
It's this thing just exudes a craving for candy and cookies. My saliva glans go into overdrive when I walk down the candy aisle of the grocery store. My partiality for malted milk balls, black licorice, & peanut butter cups can cause nearby shoppers to give me a wide berth when they notice the look in my eyes and the erratic manner of my pace.
Upon entering the cookie aisle, something goes wrong with my grocery cart. One of the wheels invariably stops turning the way it should and the cart will veer toward pecan sandies or devil's food cookies. Once I make it to the bakery, all hell breaks loose. Will it be peanut butter cookies or donut holes or bear claws? Apple crumb pie or cheese Danish? Perhaps a nice cinnamon treat?
“I'd like to make an appointment to have my sweet took extracted,” I told the dentist the last time I was there.
“Sorry, no can do.”
“Why not?”
“Well, which tooth is it exactly?”
“How do I know? You're the dentist!”
So in this coming new year, for the first time since I can remember, I plan to make a New Year's resolution to avoid sweets. I suspect I'll do okay unless someone is thoughtless enough to give me a belated Xmas gift: a box of chocolates perhaps, or one of those oversized containers of tiny, flavorful jelly beans. Like Oscar Wilde, I can resist anything but temptation.
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