Starting Over After Spouse Passes

Ok, here is my question. How do you get out into the dating world after a spouse passes away? My husband was with me from the very beginning of my illness (ulcerative colitis), went through many surgeries, and ended up with a permanent ileostomy years ago, my choice. Now I am faced with not only losing my husband 2 years ago, but now I am ready to get back out there and find someone to love again. So how do you do it? I thought I had someone interested; we have been talking for 3 months online and met twice. I told him up front about me, and he did say that he wasn't sure about how comfortable he would be in this situation, but at the same time, giving me mixed signals. I understand that this is all new to people that know anything about what we are all going through, but it is also new to me in the way that I was with my late husband for 30 years, and now I am faced with finding someone that can see beyond the medical part. So if anyone has anything to say about this subject, I would like to hear your stories.
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Hi and welcome #1gran! I don't have any tips for getting back out in the dating/meeting someone world -- but I just want to say kudos to you for wanting to. We're all different, but I have a feeling I'd just surround myself with more animals - LOL - and not bother with the human male again.
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Part of me wants to say that your appliance won't matter to the right person - and I guess that is true. Unfortunately, you have to go through the detritus to find the gem.

There is also the Dating category in this forum, in case you didn't see it.

All the best.

Hi 1gran
I so understand how you are feeling. My marriage broke up in November, and I had my operation at the end of December. I've been out several times and find that I put the barrier straight up when men come near.
I have decided I really don't want to be on my own anymore; I want to share laughter and joy with a male, and here I am, on this website realizing that there are people in the same situation as me. It may sound cheesy, but men who are in the same situation as we are, thinking the same things, who's going to see past my baggage. People who know exactly how we are feeling, and to be honest, that is wonderful.
So what I'm trying to say is that your next companion could be right under your nose.
Never say never; I did, but then things change.
I really hope things go well for you.
Let me know.
Big hugs
Tine
xx

I know exactly how you feel, but I don't have any answers. I feel like I have so many medical issues that I don't want to burden anyone. I am very, very lonesome, cry a lot, but try to stay busy...not easy when you feel bad most days. I work full time and go home and lay down. This week I have missed two days due to a blockage. Not really sure I can have sex as I have drainage from my vagina from my bowels/fistula. Who would want to go near it? I need a guy who has issues himself, and sex is not an option for him. But where do you find someone like that? The dating field at our age is hard enough anyway without thinking someone normal would pick me over someone who has all their parts. I wish you all the luck in the world; I guess I am not very encouraging. Be glad you had someone all those years who loved you like he did...in a normal situation, it is hard to find someone like that. Jeanie

Good idea about the animals; they love us unconditionally. Who else does that? Jeanie

Staying Hydrated with an Ostomy with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister

I had very much switched off from the dating thing for all the usual reasons and wouldn't consider anyone if they sort of seemed interested. However, things changed as I did meet someone, so if I can, there is hope for us all.

Yes, after my husband passed, I did adopt 2 cats, but now I want something more.

Jeannie. OMG, I do know how you are feeling about the fistula. I also had one due to having surgery and wound up in the hospital for 10 weeks without food. It healed, and now it's all good. And thank you for your words, Lillian.

I sure hope that there is someone out there who can get past the ostomy. I really didn't think I would be in this position of dating. Thought I would be married until I died, but here I am trying to not be alone. Thanks for the feedback........Lillian.....
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I hope it's okay to say this (administrator watching us!) but I met and fell in love with a gentleman on this site. Even if he didn't share our problem, we would have fallen in love.
We share so much more than a stoma. As someone just said, the right person may be right under your nose!! (I am Granny #1 also, we will have to share the title!!
Much love and good luck,
Tippitopxxx

Oh, how lovely Tippitop, you kept that quiet!

I found someone too; been together over a year now, not an ostomate actually, and going on the dating scene ain't that easy when you are me, with similar problems to jeaniefrances and yourself #1 gran... all a bit off-putting! But we are together, and he doesn't seem to give a monkeys about all the stoma stuff, which is great!

Don't give up Gran, someone will be out there for you, I am sure.

Rach xx

That's wonderful, Rach! You are a bit of a dark horse too! I'm so pleased you have that special one, someone who can see you and not the medical things. It's fantastic; I hope Gran #1 reads both our posts. I am convinced she should take a look at some of the truly nice guys on this site; it might change her perspective totally.
All the very best to you and your partner. I hope you have a long and happy life together and put physical troubles a little further into the background.
Lots of hugs,
Tippitopxxx

Thank you to everyone that has said their piece so far. You all have given me a little bit of hope that one day, I will find the person that I will spend the rest of my life with.
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I also met a terrific guy on this site!!! It can happen!!! I met him last May, and it has been a most delightful experience. I had lost my husband after almost 50 wonderful years and never thought I would ever meet anyone again. Don't give up—ever!!!

Hi
I was a widow when I went through my bout with cancer, ending up with a permanent colostomy. Still young (57 and consider myself young) and want a special someone to share life together. Met a few men, but after a few dates and being honest with them about the colostomy, I could tell it was a turn-off. BUT I met someone that went to school with me; we hadn't seen each other in a few years. Our paths had crossed a few times, but each time we both were in relationships. We talked many times, sharing coffee and catching up. We could feel there was emotion other than friendship, so I was honest with him about the colostomy. AND it doesn't bother him. He said it is part and parcel of who I am. So there is hope out there. It does take a special person. Because of where the tumor was and how I had to do the resection for the colostomy, I don't have an anus anymore. We have made jokes about it, and it has eased my self-consciousness about it. Like I said, there are special people out there. It took me almost a year to reconnect with this now special person.

Dianne

I am all too familiar with trying to start over. My wife passed away in June of 2008; I had my surgery in November of 2008. As if getting over my wife's passing wasn't bad enough, I had to deal with my ileostomy too. I am 41 years old, and I would like to meet someone again. I have joined a dating site to find local women and have dated a few, but I have noticed that I only see them once and then make an excuse not to see them again. I know that the reason I do that is so that I don't have to explain my ileostomy. I think that if I continue seeing someone and then later on tell them, it would be like I was hiding something. Worse yet, I don't think I would handle being rejected because of my ostomy. I can use some advice if someone is going through the same. Thanks.

I can't even imagine how horrible and devastating it would be to have a beloved mate pass away. I know what it's like to lose people I love so very much that it seems they take a part of you with them when they go. But a mate, a lover, my heart bleeds at the thought.

There are so many reasons for starting over, and new relationships can be so scary sometimes. Matters of the heart are never a small thing. I, too, wish I had answers for you, and like many friends, I didn't think I would even consider starting over with anyone due to past hurtful experiences and bad scenes. Heck, I've been physically hurt, emotionally battered, etc., but life is too short, and I must keep in mind that not everyone is a schmuck, lol. And like so many of us, I am done with being alone. I always hope to be loved and be valued by a partner again, too, someone who won't hurt me or want to keep me a secret while he runs around with other women. You know the scene that destroys so many relationships. In my own personal situation, it's time for me to leave my past right where it is, in the past, and start new
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(...and P.S. I, too, have quite recently met someone very special.) I love and cherish all my friends, and new beginnings and new relationships are rewarding
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We've all had our experiences, both bad and good, and it can be hard to move on from any situation.

I sincerely wish you luck and encourage you to always look forward to happiness, dear. Take your chances
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Follow your heart and listen to that little voice inside you that already 'knows'...

Reading everyone's input in this thread just makes me love each of you all the more...

Fred Astaire once said, "Life is a dance... sometimes we may need to switch partners, but the important thing is... we must always keep on dancing!"


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~Much love and hugs to you and everyone from your little Doe

Hi All
This is my very first post. It was great to read about all the people who have met someone else despite having a colostomy, etc. It has renewed my hope that I too will be as fortunate.
Love
Maureen

After reading all these posts, I am left with an overwhelming feeling of love and compassion for all. I am also grateful I have been blessed with a wife who has stuck by me through some nasty problems. I feel so hopeful that all of your desires come to fruition, with much love and affection, Ed.

I am new to this site; I actually stumbled upon it while looking for an ostomy support group in my area. I had my ileostomy 30 years ago. My husband was so supportive, and as time went on, I think we both just forgot there was a time I didn't have it. Sadly, he had cancer and died 3 years ago. I am now feeling like I need to move on and find someone to spend time with. My biggest fear has been - how do you tell someone you have been seeing that you have this bag attached to your abdomen? You have all given me lots of inspiration and hope. I will continue to monitor this site for more of the same. Thanks for helping me see that I do have a chance at happiness again.

Nietzsche said, “He who has a Why to live can bear almost any How...” Truer words have never been spoken. As ostomates, we have challenges and our share of the How to live, but it's the Why that keeps us getting up in the morning in spite of our difficulties. We are that much mentally stronger for it, in my opinion!

Interesting conundrum, as an integral part of my surgery I had to undergo 5 daily sessions of radiotherapy. The results were a little perturbing; as a result of my surgery, I have a colostomy bag, but the radiotherapy has caused problems with passing water and achieving an erection. Things in the sex part were normal until the therapy. I am awaiting an appointment with a urology specialist in July; my surgery was in August 2017.