Ostomy Memories of 'Florida Man'

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I SHOULD BE ASHAMED that I live in Florida, a state that has become a laughing-stock of late.  Comedians make fun of it all the time and, if you look at a map, the state looks like a limp penis hanging from the State of Georgia.  The whole place is as flat as week-old road kill, the highest point being 345 feet surrounded by everything else essentially at sea level.  That alone ought to be enough to depress real estate values, but it hasn’t yet.  The occurrence of frequent flooding in some coastal cities has been under-reported.  There are, of course, the normal reasons to make fun of the state, the large number of retirees, the fantasy draw of Disney, the off-beat politics, the alligators roaming the golf courses, the fact that Donald Trump chose to live here when he realized New Yorkers hated him.  One of the more amusing items to come out of Florida lately has been the so-called ‘Florida Man’ meme, the seemingly endless stories of residents existing just above the level of functional retardation that get themselves into bizarre and often illegal fixes, examples of which include some of the following headlines:

"Florida Man Flashes Buttocks at IHOP After Impersonating a Police Officer to Get Free Food"

"Florida Man Bites Off Neighbor's Ear Because He Wouldn't Give Him a Cigarette"

"Florida Man Attacks Nephew Over Undercooked Noodles"

"Florida Man Tattoos Black Widow Spider on His Face to Combat Arachnophobia"

This is where I live, where George Carlin once noted that “everything is in the 80s:  the temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.”  The land of palm trees, beaches, oranges, and Florida Man.

Oh, all this is true but I love being a Florida resident. We were part-time Wisconsin residents for many years and this pic represents -

Wisconsin Man

I read a book series written by a former reporter from the Tampa Tribune. The books are about a Florida historian/serial killer, Serge A. Storms, and his drug-addled sidekick, Coleman. I find it to be somewhat absurdist comedy. Serge doesn't kill anybody that doesn't need killin', and Coleman is just along for the ride.

If you like to read and want to laugh, I recommend starting with the book Triggerfish Twist and absolutely avoiding Orange Crush.

If you find that you like Triggerfish, then start the series but still avoid Orange Crush.

These books have gotten me through some times when I really needed a laugh, and I now look forward to each installment in January of each year. There is an order to them, and it can be found at Tim Dorsey's personal website. I'm not sure this was gonna be a series this long as the order of the first few books is a little wonky, and the story took a boring turn in the book I keep saying to avoid, but got right back on track after that fiasco. I'm a few books behind right now as the last couple years I've been busy dealing with my health. These books are around 250-350 pages of belly laughs and very quick reads.

I'm told if you like Carl Hiaasen that Dorsey is similar, I haven't read Hiaasen so I can't vouch for that.
If you have a few hours, read this book and laugh.

I'm currently at book 20, Clownfish Blues. And need to get caught up. He's currently at book 25 released and working on book 26, The Maltese Iguana

Thank you for the book tips, Abe. I just checked Audible and they have all his books! Sounds like exactly what I need right now. I'll pass on Orange Crush... thanks. If the narrator/reader is good, the books can be better than reading. Some readers/narrators don't do it very well, so it can ruin it. Hope they got a good one! Going to download one to check it out. I will try Triggerfish first.

Thanks for the great tip!

You describe it so well, Henry!! I see that sort of stuff on the web. Never been to Florida but your previous post on The Keys sounds like heaven regardless of the weirdness!! The rain is pouring down right now outside my window, so you could understand the craving for sun and sand!! Magoo.

I've been to Florida 3 times to see the Mouse. I found it to be okay. Miserably hot/humid but tolerable. Lots to do.

The 'Florida Man' memes are pretty funny. Kind of reminds me of the 'Walmart Shopper' memes.

I took my then 1 1/2 year old daughter to Disney.  Bre'r Fox tripped and would have fallen atop her in her stroller had I not been quick enough to prevent it.  That's my abiding memory of the place.

My fondest memory was the guy from England standing on the bench, when we were waiting for one of the buses to pick us up. They have fans above the benches to try and keep it somewhat cool. He was standing on the bench with that fan about an inch in front of his face. He looked at me and said...."How do you people live in this?" It was about 297 degrees that day with roughly 6000 humidity. That Brit looked like death took over about 2 hours earlier.

Oh, you must give Hiaasen a try! I've read everything he's written, and it's brilliant and hilarious stuff.

Terry

Hi Henry, my only personal experience of Florida was a stop-over in Tampa, before boarding a cruise ship for my one and only cruise. I grew up learning about Florida through various authors, the most memorable being John D. MacDonald, and his Travis Magee character. I read those in my twenties and it seemed like Florida must be a pretty interesting place to live, very colourful and glamorous, but with a poorly hidden seamy side and lots of lowlifes and ne'er-do-wells. I wonder how much has changed?

I'm thinking you must have been in a particularly generous mood when you wrote this one Henry, as you used such an innocuous term as 'off-beat' to describe your state's politics!

Terry

; The "Not-So Superhero" ;Google "Florida Man" and the month and date of your birthday. You'll have an afternoon's worth of entertainment. "California Man" is catching up though.

Good health to all,

SharkFan

Hi,

Yes, day by day FL gets weirder and worse.

Yet, after having come here in 2002, even with hotter and hotter summers, I'll take year-round "summers" any day. Tend to live in my own "little bubble" anyway. (No desire whatsoever to revisit the Rat, er Mouse! Already done with children and grandchildren enough!)

If I ever consider going back "up north," I merely reflect on how much I would hate dealing with ice, snow, cold.

I'm here to stay!

Liz