SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I SHOULD BE ASHAMED that I live in Florida, a state that has become a laughing-stock of late. Comedians make fun of it all the time and, if you look at a map, the state looks like a limp penis hanging from the State of Georgia. The whole place is as flat as week-old road kill, the highest point being 345 feet surrounded by everything else essentially at sea level. That alone ought to be enough to depress real estate values, but it hasn’t yet. The occurrence of frequent flooding in some coastal cities has been under-reported. There are, of course, the normal reasons to make fun of the state, the large number of retirees, the fantasy draw of Disney, the off-beat politics, the alligators roaming the golf courses, the fact that Donald Trump chose to live here when he realized New Yorkers hated him. One of the more amusing items to come out of Florida lately has been the so-called ‘Florida Man’ meme, the seemingly endless stories of residents existing just above the level of functional retardation that get themselves into bizarre and often illegal fixes, examples of which include some of the following headlines:
"Florida Man Flashes Buttocks at IHOP After Impersonating a Police Officer to Get Free Food"
"Florida Man Bites Off Neighbor's Ear Because He Wouldn't Give Him a Cigarette"
"Florida Man Attacks Nephew Over Undercooked Noodles"
"Florida Man Tattoos Black Widow Spider on His Face to Combat Arachnophobia"
This is where I live, where George Carlin once noted that “everything is in the 80s: the temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.” The land of palm trees, beaches, oranges, and Florida Man.