Ostomy Memories of Taking Advice

‘THERE ARE NO ABSOLUTES’ is usually good advice, but… but, I’m going to throw a couple out anyway.  Never spit upwind.  Never call someone with arrest authority an asshole.  Always carve meat across the grain.  We all have the need for advice occasionally.  The trick is to get it from someone who you have some assurance knows what he’s talking about.  For instance, you wouldn’t go to a dermatologist for guidance about your heart condition.  The accountant that lives next door to you likely shouldn’t be relied upon for what’s wrong with your clutch.  Confession to a defrocked priest probably won’t provide you with the heavenly help you’re seeking.  A four-times-divorced woman won’t make a good marriage counselor.  And, finally, a purported professional who has no license maybe isn’t for you.  If you’re in a position to be hiring advisors to assist you in the performance of your responsibilities, it would be a mistake to surround yourself with just people who want to please you and tell you what you want to hear.  Bring in thoughtful, experienced professionals who aren’t just ‘yes men.’  Being a careful person, my personal rule has always been:  when in doubt, don’t.  Sometimes your experienced gut feeling ought to be good enough. But you need to have enough sense to recognize when you’re well-informed vs. without a clue.  Then there’s Al Franken’s take on it:  “When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.”   

Hello HenryM.

Thanks for the prompt to think about this subject again.

 ‘Advice’ has often seemed to me to be the process of ‘telling ‘people what they should do and think,  rather than simply sharing knowledge, and leaving people to make up their own minds. 
Being a firm believer in DIY, my own preference, when someone seeks advice, is to ask them questions about the subject matter, which almost always results in them indicating that they ‘know’ a lot more than they are initially prepared to admit.
Ask enough of the right sort of questions (or rather, get them to ask their own questions) and eventually the advice-seeker will work out suitable answers for themselves.
This approach I labelled as ‘Constructive Conversations’, and is based on the concept of Self- Organised Living And Reflecting (SOLAR). 
(See: ‘Constructive Conversations’ – Books 1-4:  or alternatively the rhyming versions  ‘Constructive Conversations Inversed’ 2008 & ‘A Thesis on Constructive Conversations Inversed’ 2012). 
I quite like the concept of ‘advice by cliché’, whereby common-sense ideas are communicated via trite, obvious and almost unarguable  short statements,(or ‘graphic models’) which can be accepted or rejected on a whim. This seems to be the equivalent of suggesting to someone the question:  “Have you thought about this (or that)alternative?” Rhyming verse can act a bit like clichés(& models) in the sense; that they are not meant to be proscriptive, but rather just a sharing of information gathered, which may or may not be relevant at any one time.

Best wishes

Bill

INTRODUCTION TO SOLAR.

The introduction to SOLAR.
Tells things simply as they are.
S.O.L. is what we’re giving.
That is Self-Organised Living.

The A.R. that you were expecting.
Follows on with And Reflecting.
So we set the SOLAR scene.
With this clear and simple theme.

Subsequent things that we might try.
All focus on the D.I.Y.
Doing for yourself will bring.
Within your reach ‘most anything.

We’ll present you with the concepts.
That surround those self-help precepts.
Then we think it’s up to you.
To work things out and follow through.

With concepts crammed with common sense.
We do not sit upon the fence.
We’ve also balanced on the brink.
So we may say just what we think.

So often can the theory.
Become a little dreary.
But models help to set the scenes.
To explain what SOLAR means.

The point of all the models thus.
Is to make things clear to us.
Like pieces of a puzzle fit.
Each model adds a little bit.

Introductions will not be.
All of what you need to see.
For that you need to come each week.
So we can hear – and you can speak.

                                                B. Withers 2012

Love this one, especially hitting home with me today as my family has lots of advice I haven’t asked for and nor is it helpful and makes me want to tell them even less about my condition. I’m too negative, it’s not negativity, it’s making sure I’m getting the care I need with a direct and honest approach to what is going on. I call it being realistic, they call it being negative. 
If they and I aren’t careful, I just may go full no contact. I’m tired of being yelled at by family members who aren’t going through what I am and their thoughts yelled at me when I say I don’t want to hear it, or that I’m holding a grudge against them because I shut down and don’t respond to being yelled at just seconds out of the hospital. 
I just might take Al’s advice and ignore them all.

You're absolutely right, Paul.  Being realistic isn't "negative," it's positive in drab clothing.  Hang in there.

Abe, they don’t know what to do to try and help you. When I was sick, everyone learned quick it was better to just leave me alone as nobody had ever gone thru what I had been dealing with and most of what they said just annoyed me anyway. Of course, if I said I needed something, everyone was eager to help. Unless a person has gone thru all this ridiculousness, they have no idea how crappy feeling and unmotivated a person can be. All you’re trying to do is survive and be somewhat normal while being sicker than crap. One day at a time and try to remember they don’t have a clue on what you’re going thru and your viewpoint on things now. 

This is a tough one Paul.  I'm sure they mean the best for you, but Alex is right, they have no idea of what you are really going through.  Just keep telling yourself that they mean well.  You are not a negative person, something that shines through with everything you post.  You do need to be realistic, which is just what you are doing.  Stay strong. 

Terry

Thank you all for the words of support, Alex I appreciate your response a lot, that’s exactly where I’m trying to be. 
Henry, again my friend your posts are the highlight of my day and usually insightful and really hit home with what I’m going through.

Delgrl, Thank you for the kind words of encouragement, I do appreciate the advice I get here where I ask for it. I appreciate that someone see’s my positive side it makes me feel a lot better! I’m super thankful for my friends here.

I might flinch if I see a brick drop on someones foot. When the brick drops on my foot, truth arrives!