Just don't know

I am having such a hard time 3 weeks out of surgery. I want to get back to the living. I have MS and the surgery has really drained me and all I do is sit in my recliner. I have no energy. The nurses say I need to give it time. I sit here and cry but if I hear my kids coming in the house I quickly stop and cover it up so I don't worry them. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I am scared of how my husband will look at me when he comes home from the Army. He wasn't able to be here for the surgery. I see myself in the mirror coming out of the shower and I am disgusted with what I see...... How will we have a sex life? We haven't had sex for a year now because of my incontinence and I was scared I would, you know..... I have so many fears..... I feel like maybe he would just be better off without me so he doesn't have to deal with all the bs. The doctors said I would be much happier and do great rather than wearing depends and going through 4 bags a week. Now I wonder...... too late though..... my nerves from the MS stopped and they had to remove my bladder.
I just want to know if anyone else had fears after surgery?

Dear Armywifenmom, I too had loads of fears, insecurities, and days when I wondered if it was worth carrying on. Some days I still do, but after a year and a half, I am still 'standing' and feel much better about myself than I did after the surgery.
You have had a very difficult time, and I can understand why you feel so upset. Crying is a good thing, then hug and reassure yourself that time will change things. Rest in your recliner as much as you want, you need to get stronger, physically and mentally.
When your husband comes home, he will comfort you, and I am sure he has been very worried about you, all alone, going through this trauma. You are still the beautiful girl he married, never mind the battle scars. Be patient, be gentle, and love yourself for being so brave. Sending you a big hug.

Thank you so much. I cry reading your message not out of pity but out of assurance knowing I'm not alone. I hope we can chat sometime. There are a lot of questions I have and fears. Again, thank you.

Dear ArmyWifenMom,
I had my surgery at 12. I too went through all the fears before marriage. But my stoma was never a hindrance to my married life. I will give a tip which I am following. Always wear a Spanx under your dress. It gives you lots of confidence to move around and doesn't show that you have a bag. Take care.

I too have had all those fears. In the bedroom area....When your hubby comes home and the time comes, if you are feeling self-conscious about the bag being in sight, in the way etc...do what I did, A) get cute crotchless panties or B) get a nice nightgown and just hike it up and tuck the end of it under the bag, still looking sexy but hiding the appliance as well.

I have to admit that physically I have it totally under control. Emotionally I have my ups and downs but look at yourself then look at the bag. You are bigger than it is and chances are he is going to be so happy to see you and the kids and just REALLY be home in your arms he won't give a darn about it anyway....

I had cancer, had my 1st surgery. I had a respiratory arrest and was brought back to life. My greatest fear was leaving my husband of 33 years alone. I loved him so. Every day, I thanked God for him. I was 10 weeks post-bowel surgery when my husband died at home suddenly from a heart attack. There was no warning. I felt I couldn't go on. I wanted to die, but I had my son to think about. The cancer came right back. This time, they took all the bowel and the rectum. I was going through the motions of living, working as a nurse, and trying to deal with an ileo that leaked. But things did get better. I got help with the leaking, had a grandchild, and began to enjoy life again. It is painful and depressing, and we do need to talk to someone. I know if my husband was alive, he would love me no matter what, as I would love him. Maybe you could find the words to talk with your spouse and share your thoughts. I don't know if this helps, but please give it time.

Eddie

Dear Armywifenmom, I too am a military wife and like you, my husband was deployed and couldn't be home when I had my surgery. My surgery was just over seven years ago now and I'm still with my husband (it will be 16 years in November). I went through many of the same emotions that you seem to be going through right now. I know your post was a month ago, so now you are into month two. I hope you are feeling better and are starting to get out of the house and live your life again. My husband was so happy to see me healthy and able to live again. He didn't care about the pouch/stoma; he was actually quite intrigued by it. If you ever need to chat, please do not hesitate to drop me a note. I have had four surgeries now, and my husband has been away for two (and they were the biggest). It's Murphy's law! LOL Hang in there, keep smiling...and don't give up. It will get better, and things will work out for the best.

Dear armywifemom

Hi, I'm glad I'm not alone in my fears, and I feel exactly as you described in your post. I'm 4 weeks post-op, so early days for both of us. Any time you wanna chat, drop me a line. I have cerebral palsy too and use a wheelchair full time.