MY HEART ATTACK

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Bill
The first thing I need to do is to thank all you good people for your thoughts and well wishes during my period of discomfort. I realise that having a heart attack and a triple bypass has little or nothing to do with stomas and, for this reason, I have been a little reluctant to be posting on here recently. Unfortunately, my body has been under great pressure and mind has been so filled with my own problems that I have not felt like addressing those of other people, lest I come across as seeming less than caring.


When I had my stoma operation, it was the writing of rhyming verse which helped me to clarify my thinking and distracted me from the negativity that can accompany chronic illness and the after-effects of surgery. Thus, having suffered a heart attack, I decided that I would try to document my experiences and feelings in a similar format, with a view to distracting my thoughts away from the negativity surrounding such depressing circumstances.


Some of you have expressed an interest in my rhymes and I was racking my brain to think of a way that I could share these new ones with you without overwhelming the MAO site with posts that were not to do with stomas.A blog seemed the most appropriate way of doing this, as it allows me to post lots of rhyming verses in the same blog so that those who are not interested in rhymes or heart attacks can opt out by simply skipping to someone else's posts.


I have almost finished my latest book covering this subject, so I will use this oportuntiy to post a couple of rhymes at a time to share with you my rhyming diary covering the past couple of months of 'heartfelt' struggle.


Unfortunately, the formatting on the blog does not appear to allow for me to copy the rhymes in a way which makes them easy to read, so I will need to find another way.


That other way appears to be to post the rhymes in the original post, rather than trying to post them as comments. So it looks as if the whole selection will gradually accumulate in revisions of this section of the blog rather than in subsequent posts.


Best wishes


to you all


Bill




MEDICATION-DEDICATION.


I SUPPOSE A DEDICATION
OUGHT TO MENTION MEDICATION.


B. WITHERS 2019








DEDICATION.



TO


LIFE-SAVERS IN CARDIAC CARE


AND TO MY WIFE WHO’S ALWAYS THERE.



B. WITHERS 2019





CONVENTIONAL ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.
KEEPING IN LINE WITH CONVENTION
THERE ARE LOTS OF FOLK TO MENTION.


B. WITHERS 2019




MY HEART ATTACK:
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.


There’s many people I would thank
for helping me devise and bank
the rhyming lines within this book
so other folks might take a look.


Without staff at the NHS
I would have been in a right mess.
When they were needed they were there
giving their loving, tender care.


I’d like to mention all those folk
who helped me with this heavy yolk
of great responsibility
during this catastrophe.


Doctors, nurses and the rest
all gave to me their very best
professional and ongoing care
but most important they were ‘there’.


I’d like to mention other staff
who do their work on our behalf
yet often don’t get recognition
because they don’t hold high position.


But nonetheless, they do their bit
in making sure we’re well and fit
by doing jobs that other’s don’t
and cleaning up where other’s won’t.


Then there is the Heart Foundation
who, within each publication
elucidate and educate
us victims of this tragic fate.


I’m sure there’s people who I’ve missed
from what should be a great long list.
But I will hope that they will know
my gratitude will always show.


B. Withers 2019




WELCOME.
WELCOME TO MY LITTLE BOOK
AND MAKING TIME TO TAKE A LOOK.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
INTRODUCTION.


Here’s welcome to my modest book
in which I take a little look
at many things as I looked back
upon my massive heart attack.


Then there’s my deliberation
on my bypass operation
which had come as such a shock
it gave my confidence a knock.


I want to say right from the start
this book’s not just about my heart,
but what I felt from day to day
about my struggles on the way.


So, I will stress the angst and pain
and then repeat myself again
because the pain that does occur
drifts in and out but will recur.


I’ll comment on the people who
worked together as a crew
to pool their skills and knowledge too
making sure that I pulled through.


My rhymes are somewhat sequential
highlighting the existential
to make some sort of storyline
from this experience of mine.


There won’t be many poets who
would document what I’ve been through
describing what seemed to be true
ascribing to an overview.


These types of verses can be placed
in context and are not a waste.
For they have helped me concentrate
so that my mind did not stagnate.



B. Withers 2019




FIRST TIME SHOCK.
I FOUND MY HEART ATTACK QUITE HARD
BECAUSE IT CAUGHT ME RIGHT OFF GUARD.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
FIRST TIME.


That first attack shook me a bit
‘cos I had always been so fit.
None of the symptoms seemed to fit
so I could not make sense of it.


I’ve been a healthy sort of bloke
who does not drink, nor do I smoke.
My diet is exemplary
so why would this happen to me?


I used to play, and I would run
and I’d climb mountains just for fun.
Participating in all sports
and rarely feeling out of sorts.


Of course, there’s been some accidents
but they’ve been mainly incidents
where I’ve misjudged a circumstance
and paid the price of happenstance.


My many scars I cannot hide
from falling down the mountainside.
To all the dangerous things I did
whilst acting like a little kid.


But all of that was just a game
so it was never quite the same
as having something sprung on you
with no warning, out of the blue.


When I succumbed to searing pain
a little something in my brain
was telling me that it would pass
like life’s other ‘pains in the arse’.


But very soon, in retrospect
I thought I ought to get it checked.
I didn’t want to make a fuss
so dumped the car and jumped the bus.



B. Withers 2019



SHORT A & E.
ON THIS OCCASION, A&E
WAS NOT A GREAT LONG WAIT FOR ME.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK ;
A&E


I just know it’s hard to park
so the bus was not a lark.
And, as for ambulances, they
take forever, so they say.


My last visit to A & E
proved to be too much for me.
Five hours wait and I went home
to heal myself and moan alone.


But this time round, I have to say
I went prepared to stay all day.
So, I resolved to sit it out
to find out what this pain’s about.


To my surprise, there was no queue
and so, they quickly got me through
to be examined by a nurse
before my pain got any worse.


The first doctor could not resist
referring to a specialist.
Eventually they diagnosed
three of my arteries were closed.


I took a look at their big screen
trying to see what could be seen.
But I don’t know what’s right or wrong
or what a heart’s like when it’s strong.


As the blocks were at a junction
normal stents were not an option.
I felt better when once rested
and a bypass was suggested.


But now I have to wait and see
what this op will do for me.
My hope is, if the gamble pays,
I’ll amble back to my old ways.



B. Withers 2019



The Acute Cardiac Unit.
I MUST GIVE CREDIT WHERE IT’S DUE
TO FOLKS WHO REALLY CARE FOR YOU.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
THE ACU (Acute Cardiac Unit).


Although I’m ill, I want to say
a word or two about my stay.
It may not be the best of rhymes
as my mind drifts in troubled times.


But I would like to make it known
that I’ve enjoyed the care you’ve shown.
So, take this as a compliment
as that’s the sentiment that’s meant.


You’ve all shown kindliness and care
and whilst I know that’s why you’re there,
you’ve gone beyond what was expected
and for that, you are respected.


There is no money that can buy
the kind of care that you apply.
And so, I wish to thank you all
for my short stay has been a ‘ball’.



B. Withers 2019



QUESTIONS.
ASK SILLY QUESTIONS WHEN I’M ILL
AND ANSWERS CONVERSATIONS KILL.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
HOW AM I ?


I can’t describe it as much fun
having a triple bypass done.
So, when folks ask me ‘How am I?’
I’m less than truthful in reply.


This is a question I perceived
to have been asked, but not received.
For do they really want to know?
or should I let my feelings show?


There’s one response which springs to mind
which somehow seems a tad unkind.
Yet’ sums up what is in my head
that I feel I’d be better dead.


But what impression would this give,
to choose to die before I live?
What cynical, ungrateful git
would contemplate this kind of shit?


And so, I go for latitude
and offer back a platitude.
I smile and shrug and I say nowt,
‘cos that’s not what this thing’s about.


I’ve hardly had a moment’s rest;
They’ve opened up my ribs and chest;
Exchanged three arterial junctions,
messing up my kidney functions.


I’ve got wires, leads and drains
creating excruciating pains.
So, when they ask me ‘Does it hurt’
this seems a question I should skirt.


Whate’er they say, will not have changed
all the things they’ve rearranged.
So once again I show respect
and answer ‘It’s what I’d expect’.


B. Withers 2019



BUREAUCRACY.
BUREAUCRACY CAN INTERFERE
WITH THOSE WHO CARE FOR ME, I FEAR.


B. WITHERS 2019







MY HEART ATTACK :
Bureaucracy.


Yet when the questioning was done,
they write stuff down and then they’re gone.
As if all this was not for me
but for some great bureaucracy.


I don’t think they are sadistic
but I feel like a statistic.
A number on somebody’s list
makes me feel I don’t exist.


What was care a minute ago
is not there, so does not show.
And as their focus shifts away
what care was there has gone astray.


They don’t notice what they’ve done
because it’s done to everyone.
This is the bureaucratic side
which people take within their stride.


Although it’s only a small thing
when you are ill, it has a sting.
Because it seems to take their care
and place it somewhere over there.


Few people ever point this out
for they know what this game’s about.
Bureaucracy will have its way
because that’s what dictates the pay.


I played this game, and played it well
so nobody but me could tell
the machinations in my mind
as they tried hard to be so kind.


I wrote these words when I was ill
and probably would write them still.
But who knows what words I would write?
when end of tunnel’s light’s in sight.



B. Withers 2019



BA-BOOM.
I FELT MY MIND WAS BEING ROBBED
AT TIMES WHEN MY WHOLE BODY THROBBED.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
Ba-boom


Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom, Ba-boom.
Tympanic rhythms fill my room.
Making my whole body shake
and giving me a huge headache.


An unnerving situation
much deserving explanation.
That this pulsating of my heart
has now gone way beyond the chart.


There’s someone pounding out a beat
which must be sounding down the street.
To this thrum I have succumb
and I’ve become a big bass drum.


Does it not know that I’m in pain,
which each ba-boom brings back again?
Does this force, have no pity
or recourse to empathy?


For I’ve been knocking on death’s door
but now it seems death’s wanting more.
It’s banging loud, like dynamite
and won’t give up without a fight.


There’s no place to run for cover,
this sensation’s taken over.
Either I resist this force
or I let death just take its course.


There is no way that I will die
and have them say, I did not try.
So, though I’m ill and very weak
I will not turn the other cheek.


I will simply bide my time
‘till I break from this paradigm.
They tell me that this won’t last long
let’s hope to hell that they’re not wrong.


B. Withers 2019




MIND AND BODY SCARS.
THE SCARS ON BODY AND OF MIND
ALL TAKE TIME TO HEAL, I FIND.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
SCARS.


I look in the mirror and there they are
many small, and one massive scar.
Cut from bellybutton to chin
Ugh! What a state they’ve left me in.


A zombie from an autopsy
stands right there in front of me
and yet, somehow, I did survive
because I feel I’m still alive.


Bad bruising covers all my chest
and pain from that gives me no rest.
But I have had bruising before
so I’m not worried on that score.


The scars and bruising will soon heal
but that’s not so for how I ‘feel’.
For feelings are a different part
to scars you see on chest and heart.


My problem with this heart attack
is just how far it’s knocked me back?
It hit me like a thunderbolt
and gave my psyche quite a jolt.


It’s something I can do without
like chronic illnesses and gout.
For as I’ve aged, I kept my verve.
and that’s what I’d like to preserve.


So, as of now, I contemplate
the state that I have come to hate.
A life without some quality
I fear would be no good for me.


All of my scars, I hope will heal,
in which case, this is no big deal.
I’ll just resume my life again
free from illness and from pain.



B. Withers 2019




GRUMPY.
SOMETIMES WE CANNOT HELP BUT FROWN
WHEN SIMPLE SYSTEMS LET US DOWN.


B. WITHERS 2019




MY HEART ATTACK :
The GP system.


The system says that patients must
develop confidence and trust.
But I’m afraid this can be hard
when this system pays no regard.


I’ve just come home from surgery
where everyone took care of me
and catered to my every need
so, they could know they would succeed.


My triple bypass now complete
I was more stable on my feet
and with reduction of syndrome
it became time to send me home.


The system says that I should make
a doctor’s appointment and should take
all of my vital paperwork
to help the healing process work.


Although still fuzzy in my head
I did take note of what they said
and rang my GP surgery
so they could then take care of me.

I’ve never used my GP much
as I’d no need for them as such.
But now it was a different case
where I’m supposed to touch their base.


Within ten days the system said
but now I think they were misled.
The lady on reception speaks
“There’s no appointments for four weeks.”


I explain my predicament
yet she remains most adamant.
But in the end, she says I may
ring in one week, at break of day.


How can a system be so bad?
that discharged patients are forbade
from essential medicare
because there are no doctors there.
B. Withers 2019




GP’S RECEPTION.
IT SEEMS IT’S JUST THE ODD EXCEPTION
WHO CIRCUMVENT GP’S RECEPTION.


B. WITHERS 2019




MY HEART ATTACK :
GP appointment.


It may seem like a simple thing
to let the phone line ring and ring,
but it shows some disrespect
to make the caller disconnect.


How many rings d’you think is fair
to keep a caller hanging there?
Or do you think ‘they’ are to blame
in this surreptitious game?


You tell me when it’s best to call
but then you say the same to all.
So, I’m in a competition
with an active opposition.


And this, you claim, is not your fault
which means that I should not revolt
or show you some discourtesy
which goes against your policy.


You might justify the fact
that you don’t have to do or act
if the caller’s gone away
to try to ring another day.


We know phones get overloaded
making relationships corroded,
but whose responsibility
is the consequentiality?


How do I cope with frustration
and bring this thing to a cessation,
not make this drama exponential
but get the outcome that’s essential?


The doctors seem to all agree
their aftercare is right for me.
So, if the system doesn’t work
expect that I might go berserk


B. Withers 2019



STRESS AVOIDANCE.
WHEN YOU’RE ALREADY IN A MESS
FAR BETTER TO AVOID MORE STRESS.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
Avoiding stress.


When we are ill, our stress is high
so is it any wonder why
I question things that make it worse
through my words in rhyming verse?


Having been a healthy chap
a heart attack was quite a zap.
But everyone I’ve met so far,
in their own right has been a star.


They have helped me to adjust
building confidence and trust,
guiding me through this strange process,
diminishing potential stress.


All was progressing well until
I came across a bitter pill.
Instead of dealing with nice folk
the system spoiled it at a stroke.


The system says, that whilst unwell
it’s me that should reception tell
that I require an appointment
raising stress and disappointment.


They have got my information
and they know my limitations.
Why can the system, from inception
not bypass GP’s reception?


It’s surely not beyond their skill
to help us when we’re really ill
and set up systems so that we
are relatively worry-free.


I should not have to jump these hoops
in the time my heart recoups.
The system should sort these things out
so I have nowt to stress about.



B. Withers 2019



COMPLEXITIES.
WITH DRUG-INDUCED PERPLEXITY
I CAN’T COPE WITH COMPLEXITY.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
Simple solutions.


Bypass surgery made me feel
so lightheaded and surreal.
Plus, all the discomfort and pain
made it hard to think again.


In my body and mind malaise
most of my thinking’s just a haze.
There is no way that I could see
to all the med’s given to me.


In hospital they sorted this
with no regard for self-service.
But on discharge, there was a snag
with my med’s in a massive bag.


Their list was an ironic twist
needing the skills of a pharmacist.
There was no way I could pretend
I had a chance to comprehend.


Far too complex for me to know,
I just gave up from the word go.
And, if it wasn’t for my wife
this might have been the end of life.


Our family helped to sort the med’s
and overcome initial dreads.
Tiding us through those early days
by showing us prescriptive ways.


But now the med’cine’s running out,
something else to worry about.
Angry, confused and frustrated
makes me kind of agitated.


Fortunately, the cardiac nurse
offered help before I got worse.
It’s just as well there’s people who
are there and know just what to do.


B. Withers 2019



SUCCESS.
SLOWLY AND SURELY, I PROGRESS
UNTIL THEY DEEM ME A SUCCESS.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
JND.


Just Noticeable Difference
is the JND reference.
So, in this little rhyme of mine
I’ll trace the changes over time.


First of all it must be said
a heart attack can make you dead.
So, given this as a baseline
a heart that pumps is doing fine.


During and after surgery
monitoring’s not up to me.
Vital signs are closely watched
making sure that nothing’s botched.


There is no doubt, I don’t feel good
and there’s no reason that I should.
But if the JND’s are there
it makes the medic’s team aware.


They check the heart in every way
so it will pump another day.
JND’s can be predicted
and on charts they are depicted.


They check my haematology
adjusting pharmacology.
Blood pressure’s checked day and night
and temperature must be just right.


The kidneys took a nasty jolt.
Apparently, that’s not their fault.
They say it takes some time to mend
but will not bring life to an end.


Reassurances abound,
informing me of what they have found.
With each day, the heart grows stronger
until their care’s needed no longer.


They say I’m fit, but I don’t know
I feel like shit, but it’s time to go.


B. Withers 2019



FROM NEGATIVE TO POSITIVE.
PAIN AND DISCOMFORT LINGER ON
UNTIL ONE DAY THEY’RE ALMOST GONE.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
JND’s at home


Despite the medic’s assessment
on my improved predicament.
I get home and wonder why
I feel like I’m about to die.


There is no change that I can see
that makes a difference inside me.
Piercing pain is fulgurating, (like lightning)
discomfort’s excruciating.


I do not melodramatise
but can’t lie down and can’t arise.
Yet frequently I want to pee
but feel the pain is stopping me.


I cannot sleep for all the pain
and wake up time and time again.
Three days and nights and it’s still there
with no changes that I’m aware.


On day four my pain’s diminished,
although clearly, it’s not finished.
My discomfort’s just as high
but this small change I won’t decry.


In the next few days I find
fresh JND’s have sprung to mind.
I can walk a little more
than any of the days before.


I can roll right out of bed
without wanting to be dead.
My pee now ends up where it should
and showering is feeling good.


Now I’ve noticed things have changed
my whole persona’s rearranged.
I’ve dropped the negativity
adopting positivity.



B. Withers 2019



A BUSY BEE.
I LIKE TO BE A BUSY BEE
BUT WHILST I’M ILL IT’S HARD TO BE.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
Keeping busy.


Eleventh day post surgery
and I take stock inside of me.
The scars will heal, the heart will mend
what else will send me round the bend?


It is, as it has always been
before the advent of morphine.
This surgery has one last sting,
which, for me is disturbing.


They don’t tell you how to cope
with the sudden loss of hope
and overwhelming purposeless
creating new unpleasantness.


I know, I should not do too much
in the physical sense as such.
But I’ve resigned myself to that
with perhaps one caveat.


I cannot simply do nothing
for I’m compelled to do something.
Sod the conventionality
this is my personality.


Even though I’m very ill
it’s hard for me to just sit still
and waste away my valued time
especially now I’m past my prime.


I look around for things to do
which physically won’t be taboo,
yet help to occupy my mind
and leave frustration far behind.


In days gone by I’ve written rhyme
to help to use this sort of time.
So, once again I choose this route
as a more positive pursuit.


B. Withers 2019



MINDFUL D.I.Y.
MY HEART IS SHOT, I KNOW NOT WHY
BUT WITH MY MIND I D.I.Y.


B. WITHERS 2019




MY HEART ATTACK :
My own script.


So many drugs have been prescribed
all cardiac’ly circumscribed.
Each one addressing all those things
which a triple bypass brings.


Drugs designed to keep me alive
thus, making sure that I survive.
Of course, it’s all essential stuff
but for me it’s not enough.


I have made my own prescription
designed to fit my own description
of my mind linked to my heart,
different to the cardiac part.


For this, I’m no apologist
as I am a psychologist.
I’ve looked after hearts and souls
by giving people the controls.


I’ve helped folk control emotion
when their lives were in commotion.
And now it’s time to use my skill
to help me while I’m really ill.


We don’t need loads of drugs for this,
sometimes it’s just a hug or kiss,
or a friend to hold our hand,
or someone to understand.


It’s good to have some strong support
as some might get from a cohort,
or someone else within your house
like a kind and loving spouse.


But if these things do not exist
you might try a psychologist,
whose job it is to help you to
take control and then pull through.



B. Withers 2019



SELF-ORGANISED COMMON SENSE.
THE MEDICS MAY DO ALL THINGS FORMAL
BUT I NEED TO GET BACK TO NORMAL.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
SOCSAPINE.


When seeking ways to move ahead
this is what I’ve always said.
We need a four-part strategy
to help avoid a tragedy.


Always to yourself be true
and don’t’ let people bully you.
Do only what’s self-authorised
and make sure you’re Self-Organised SO


Abundant use of Common-Sense CS
is the place where I’d commence.
This provides a firm foundation
for controlling our frustration.


These first two concepts make us free
from bullying and tyranny.
But then, we need to get a life,
free from trouble, free from strife.


Staying Active and taking part AP
is good for both the soul and heart.
Because, if we Participate
we may not deteriorate.


Activities we indulge In I
need not lead to our ruin.
Just straightforward, Normal stuff N
might well suffice and be enough.


This everyday Experience E
is not an inconvenience.
It helps to build our confidence
and stimulates our cognizance.


These four concepts I describe
are also precepts I prescribe
to help us all to look ahead
and get a better life instead.


B. Withers 2019


SOCSAPINE: Self-Organised Common Sense,
Alongside Participation In Normal Experiences.




EXERCISE.
EXERCISE WILL DO THE TRICK
TO HELP ME GET WELL WHEN I’M SICK.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
Exercise.


It should not come as a surprise
that I would want to exercise
as I have always been quite fit
and not a one who’s known to quit.


But after surgery it seems
that exercise is just in dreams.
Pain and discomfort is so strong
that exercises don’t last long.


Then there is the constant fear
that what one does might break or sheer
the work they’ve done around my heart
then something gives or pulls apart.


So, for a week I tend to rest
because I think it’s for the best.
I do get up and walk a bit
but that’s about the end of it.


Yet after seven days of this
the one thing that I really miss
from the time of my heart attack
is getting my old mojo back.


Doing nothing I have found
makes my arthritis pound and pound.
And it will make my joints all seize
which only exercise will ease.


And it’s the same around my chest
which seizes up with all the rest.
Then my breathing is restricted
because my chest is now constricted.


What I need now, is to devise
some simple risk-free exercise,
which will loosen up my chest
but do no damage to the rest.



B. Withers 2019



ONE RISK.
IT’S AIR POLLUTION I CAN’T SEE
POSES THE GREATEST RISK FOR ME.


B. WITHERS 2019







CORONARY HEART DISEASE (CHD)
Increased risks.


I’ve scrutinised the risks as listed
just as my heart and head insisted.
And I’ve eliminated all
those risks that might have caused this call.


All, that is, apart from two
which are the ones I’ll now look through.
One, it seems, is air pollution
to which, so far, there’s no solution.


A problem with polluted air
is it can come from anywhere.
In our houses, on the street,
from planes and trains and folks we meet.


Then there’s the dreaded diesel fumes
and pollen with the flower’s blooms.
Trees and fungus spread their spores
until we can’t go out of doors.


All these things, like it or not
are likely to make our blood clot.
In our vein’s pollution nestles
blocking normal blood-flow vessels.


It’s much the same with calcium
destroying equilibrium,
clogging coronary arteries
and leading us to mortuaries.


Yet the risks from both these factors
seem to come from other actors
which mostly aren’t in our control
so should it simply take its toll?


I think a long-term solution
would be to remove pollution.
So, we may even see one day
those who pollute are made to pay.



B. Withers 2019




LOOKS & LABELS.


LIKE THE LOOKS FROM WOULD-BE LOVERS
BEST NOT JUDGE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK : labels.
(Community Rehabilitation Cardiac Specialist Nurse.)


This title may be descriptive
but it’s overly substantive.
Few will ever take it in
so as a label it can’t win.


It stinks of a bureaucracy
obsessed with meritocracy.
So, that’s off-putting from the start
without relevance to my heart.


I feel perhaps it would profit
if people tried to shorten it.
Maybe rehab or cardiac nurse
would lift the lengthy label curse.


But let us not judge books by covers.
Leave that crap to all them others.
I will observe her in her role
and appraise her as a whole.


The things I will be looking for
are little things she could ignore
in favour of the comp’ny line
rather than any needs of mine.


It’s not sufficient to do stuff
that barely counts as just enough.
I tend to look for all those things
which point to where their caring springs.


Most nurses that I’ve met before
put themselves out to do much more
and this is what I’m looking for
when she comes knocking at my door.



B. Withers 2019



ADVOCATE NURSE.
WHEN YOU NEED TO CIRCUMNAVIGATE
IT’S GOOD TO HAVE AN ADVOCATE.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK:
The Cardiac Nurse.


Even before this lady came
she seemed right on top of her game.
For she had read what had been wrote
and acted on the doctor’s note.


She telephoned my wife post-haste
as if there was no time to waste,
sorting out the time that she
could make sure she would visit me.


Not only that, she offered to
contact our surgery anew
and sort the problems we had had
which had made us feel so bad.


I cannot emphasise enough
our gratitude for all this stuff
that placed responsibility
back in the place where it should be.


All the worry and the strife
had, up ‘till then, been on my wife,
who really hadn’t got the clout
to get these problems sorted out.


And there was I, still very ill
So this seemed like a bitter pill
for I do not want to depend
on others whilst I’m on the mend.


This nurse appeared upon the scene
to right some wrongs, largely unseen
by those who sit the other side
of this, the medical divide.


It’s just as well that she was there
to pick up pieces and to care.
Resolving our anxiety
with patience and sobriety.


B. Withers 2019




CHANGED PERSPECTIVES.
WHEN PAIN AND ANGUISH IS NO MORE
PERSPECTIVES ARE NOT AS BEFORE.


B. WITHERS 2019




MY HEART ATTACK :
HOW AM I ? – REVISITED.


It’s two weeks since I was bypassed
and I don’t feel so bad at last.
So, if you ask me how I am
quite frankly, I don’t give a damn.


Now that I am on the mend
this type of question won’t offend,
for I can answer with some pride
that things are better here inside.


Obviously, I’m still not right
but I can see the end in sight.
This has been very effective
in altering my own perspective.


Now my mind and soul’s intact
so, I will not overreact.
The question asked, now seems to me
reflective of some empathy.


Whereas before, I could not think
with my emotions on the brink
and nothing much was making sense
sarcasm was my recompense.


But now I think it rather sweet
when friends and people who I meet
can ask me how I am again
without the angst and all that pain.


I feel a little guilty now
that in my thoughts I did allow
my mind to fill with self-pity
at that time I felt so shitty.


It’s just as well I held my tongue
and to some decorum clung.
Or I’d need to remember who
I’d now need to say sorry to.


B. Withers 2019



BLOOD SAMPLES.
BLOOD SAMPLES WOULD SEEM ESSENTIAL
TO ASSESS FUTURE POTENTIAL.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
Blood samples.


I’ m told I need to give some blood.
Just a little, not a flood.
Because the samples indicate
how much they should medicate.

They also show some other things
to do with risks surgery brings.
So, these samples are important
to inform a future judgement.


I’m bothered not by needle prick
as I don’t think it’s heroic
to offer up some blood of mine
when, after all, I’m doing fine.


What concerned me so much more
was on a very different score.
The thought of travelling somewhere
just to get this sort of care.


The weather’s nearly freezing now
and really, I do not know how
I could safely get about
to get these samples sorted out.


And once again my surgery
could not do these things there for me.
And, even if they could, it would
likely, not do me any good.


Someone suggested I’d be seen
at hospital, but I’m not keen
for the simple reason that
it’s not a germ-free habitat.


But in the end, I did not roam
for a kind nurse came to my home
and gathered up those bloods from me
quite quickly and efficiently.



B. Withers 2019



AN UNDERSTANDING GP.
MY GP SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND
WHAT’S HAPPENING TO ME FIRST-HAND.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
My own GP.


My own doctor came round today
much to my relief I’d say
as he knows what it’s all about
and he can always sort things out.


This visit from my own GP
was just to make some checks on me
as part of my ongoing care
after the shock of this nightmare.


As part of this medical review
he checked my pulse and pressure too
as well as temperature and scar
to ascertain how well they are.


I think as far as he could tell
everything was healing well.
This in itself was no big thing
but still, it is quite comforting.


I’ve always liked our little chat
but this was so much more than that.
We somehow know when he’s involved
any past problems get resolved.


We talked about the system which
had caused a pointless, needless glitch,
and how this could be overcome
so future patients don’t succumb.


The emotion and the mental side
is never something I would hide.
And he’s a man I can talk to
about my very personal view.


We discussed life’s quality
and how I don’t want quantity.
For if my life was not worthwhile
my wish would be to leave in style.


B. Withers 2019



THE RIPPLE EFFECT.
IF WE DROP DEAD THERE’S NOTHING LEFT
IT’ S OTHER’S WHO ARE LEFT BEREFT.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK:
Affecting others.


The biggest risk with an attack
is if I die and don’t come back.
And whilst this may not bother me
it might not set some others free.


The one who dies is not affected
by their death so unexpected.
They have simply left the scene
where once before they would have been.


But what about when our life ends
and poses problems for our friends,
our family and others too
who when in life got close to you?


They may be left with loss and grief
and a sense of disbelief
that someone who had seemed so strong
could no longer life prolong.


All those loved ones we leave behind
might find it hard within their mind
to come to terms with their own loss
though you, now dead, don’t give a toss.


I spare a thought for all of those
who will still have their worldly woes
yet find the time to mourn a friend
whose life came to a sudden end.


For I’ve been there myself before
and would not want that any more
it only adds to all life’s pain
creating loss and little gain.


So, this time round, when on the verge
of my own death, I fight the urge
to end it all for my own sake
as there are other’s lives at stake.


B. Withers 2019



DEATH.
THE DEATH OF SOMEONE VERY CLOSE
CAN PRIME US TO BE MORE MOROSE.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
One day back.


I must ponder one day back
from when I had my heart attack.
For this day has some relevance
beyond it’s own significance.


My wife’s brother died that day
which brings some more things into play.
Like realising we all must
be the ones who bite the dust.


Reminders of mortality
and our own finality
can make us hypersensitive
to thoughts which might be negative.


And then we tend to ponder long
on all those things that could go wrong.
Then when a heart attack occurs
anxiety within us stirs.


It is his funeral today
but I’ve been told to stay away
because I am not well enough
to cope with all that outside stuff.


My logic tells me to agree
going would not be good for me
and yet I feel I should take part
despite the strain upon my heart.


But then I think my wife is right
that I should keep my aim in sight
to convalesce as best I can
by sticking to the doctor’s plan.


I do not think my wife wants to
have to arrange to bury two.
So I will do as I am told
and hope it pays so I grow old.



B. Withers 2019



STOMA STILL.
MY STOMA NEEDS REMAIN THERE STILL
EVEN WHILST I’M ALSO ILL.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
& Stoma.


It is now two weeks past my op
so now I feel it’s time to stop.
To reminisce and contemplate
other things that can frustrate.


The heart attack and my bypass
trumps the problems with my arse
and the stoma that I nurse
to stop the problems getting worse.

And yet, those problems have not gone.
but still exist and carry on
alongside bypass surgeries
and all my other injuries.


So I have had to muddle through
with multiple conditions too
which have impinged upon my plight
not helping me to feel aright.


My stoma tends to do its bit
by helping me to manage shit
which now will exit from my tum
instead of my not working bum.

But nonetheless the bags I wear
will still demand my constant care
and if I let that caring slide
the faeces will build up inside.


Then even more problems will peak
because my bags will start to leak
which makes me feel my life’s a mess
adding to the constant stress.


It is not easy for us folk
who know that we have on our yolk
more than one thing we must do
just to help us to pull through.


B. Withers 2019



BREATHING COMPLICATIONS.
BREATHING BECOMES PROBLEMATIC
WHEN IT’S NO LONGER AUTOMATIC.


B. WITHERS 2019






MY HEART ATTACK :
& CPAP.


It would not have occurred to me
to know how hard that it might be
just to take a shallow breath
in order to avoid my death.


But when they open up your chest
your other organs like the rest
are put under enormous strain
and therefore suffer with much pain.


I did not really understand
the pain levels when lungs expand
but I suppose, in retrospect
it should be something I’d expect.


It’s hard enough during the day
when I can shallow breathe away
and therefore minimise the pain
until I have to breathe again.


But it’s a different thing at night
when I can’t sleep without a fight
for apnoea can be so mean
if I don’t use an air machine.


The air pumps at a different rate
to when I’m in my waking state
which means I’m not in full control
of movements in my bronchiole


My lungs expand more than I’d wish
raising pain levels and anguish
to the point that I don’t try
because I feel I’d rather die.


It’s just as well that over time
a shift will lift this paradigm
and I begin to breathe again
without that bloody awful pain.


B. Withers 2019




SEX IN SMALLER MOUNTS.
IF SEX IS HARD WITH SURGERY
IT’S HARDER WHEN YOU’RE ELDERLY.


B. WITHERS 2019





MY HEART ATTACK :
Sex.


With many concepts I have toyed
but this is one I have enjoyed
because with sex I can confide
I feel there is a funny side.


There is a myth involved with sex
which makes it seem much more complex
because they think that if you try
a heart attack may make you die.


But this is proved to be a lie
as there are many reasons why
the act of sex will do no harm
so there is no need for alarm.


I’ve read the leaflets carefully
and it’s as clear as it can be
we can indulge repeatedly
if we approach it sensibly.


See sex as an activity
and not just a depravity.
So, put aside anxiety
and discard all propriety.


What all the literature has said
is sex is not something to dread.
Don’t let a little heart attack
get in the way or hold you back.


If you’re in a relationship
don’t have sexual censorship
and don’t hold urges in reserve
but have the sex that you deserve.


When I am feeling well again
and free from angst and chronic pain
I should resume a sexual life
if I could just persuade the wife.



B. Withers 2019




SICK NOTES.
I SOMETIMES WONDER WHETHER IF
THEY’LL STILL WANT SICKNOTES WHEN I’M STIFF.


B. WITHERS 2019








MY HEART ATTACK :
Sick notes.


Now here’s some more bureaucracy
to raise its head and bother me.
I thought from this I would be free
whilst working for an agency.


Their paper trail is everywhere
even in illness they don’t care.
It’s always been the same I fear
they intervene and interfere.


My mind’s befuddled, I’m not well
and I am puzzled, can’t you tell?
So, why would I be able to
obtain this paperwork for you?

Insisting on a sick note when
I just don’t have the acumen
tortures me beyond belief
and certainly brings no relief.


This must is a system’s thing
wherein their wisdom lies a sting
to force poor folk to still comply
even if they’re about to die.


Could notes not be in retrospect
or have these people no respect
for when a person cannot do
all these things they want us to.


I don’t care about the money
at this time, it is not funny.
What you ask’s an imposition
for someone in my position.


I think that you will have to wait
and if my sick note is too late
then that’s too bad for you me-thinks
because I think your system stinks.



B. Withers 2019





BEING IDLE.
BEING IDLE’S NOT MY STYLE
FOR BEING ACTIVE FEELS WORTHWHILE.


B. WITHERS 2019




MY HEART ATTACK :
doing nothing.


I’d no idea how exhausting
it could be to do nothing.
But then I’ve no experience
of this sort of ambience.


To sit and lay around all day
and watch my life just drift away
is not something that I would choose
as something precious I would lose.


For me, the human life’s so short
you would not find me getting caught
not using every bit of it
or wasting any little bit.


The one thing that I’d really hate
would be for me to vegetate.
So, doing nothing’s not an option
or a lifestyle of adoption.


Surgery, temporarily
sucked all my verve right out of me
and there I was lying supine
without the normal strength of mine.


Laying there all weak and ashen
I resented with passion
because that’s not how I would be
in times when my life’s left to me.


To vegetate I’ve always said
would be a state so close to dead
that I’d prefer to cross that line
rather than to sit and whine.

Yet, this present situation
may be down to medication.
When effects of that diminish
there are things I need to finish.


B. Withers 2019





MY MIND IN CHAINS.
MY MOTIVATION IS THE KEY
TO BREAK THESE CHAINS AND SET ME FREE.


B. WITHERS 2019








MY HEART ATTACK :
Motivation.


My body is now on the mend
to the point where I can spend
some time for me to now devise
a programme for some exercise.


My body scars are healing fast
which helps me think that now at last
I’ve put the worst of it behind
so other things can spring to mind.


It’s good to feel the pressure lift
with an attitudinal shift
away from negativity
towards some positivity.


But I have noticed now and then
there’s been a number of times when
I am lacking concentration
and a little motivation.


It’s when I’m sitting on a chair
and I want to get up from there.
Whilst on the edge, I hesitate
almost as if I meditate.


It’s not as if I can’t arise
but more like I am mesmerised.
Not knowing what I should do now
to achieve what I know how.


This feeling is disconcerting
and I think it is subverting
all the efforts I have made
to overcome this escapade.


Most of the time I find the force
to bring my mind back on a course
which leads me to self-activate
and therefore to self-motivate.



B. Withers 2019



THE DREADED SNEEZE.
TO MAKE ONE’S BODY AND MIND SEIZE
THERE’S NOT MUCH WORSE THAN A BIG SNEEZE.


B. WITHERS 2019







MY HEART ATTACK:
The dreaded sneeze.


There is no way I can sign off
without a mention of the cough
or the sudden, violent sneeze
which makes my body and mind freeze.


The pain we have from surgery
comes piercing through our injury
reminding us that if we cough
we will be feeling much worse off.


So, there is an intense fear
proceeding when a sneeze is near.
A realising of one’s fate
when once that sneeze will activate.

That moment when the sneeze has won
you can be sure that you are done.
A killer blow right to the breast
where they have opened up your chest.


The pain is indescribable
as it is unmistakable.
It’s like a bomb exploded there
and now great pain you have to bare.


One’s logic has another part
to question damage to one’s heart.
One can’t imagine such a blow
would not somehow some damage show.


Yet after this effrontery
there comes some small recovery.
It’s then the brain has realised
your chest has just been traumatised.


It
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Past Member

Great intro to your book! Very much looking forward to your insights and poetic comments on your experience.
Your mind will never stagnate, Bill!

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Morning glory

Happy to see your posts again and read your poems, Bill. Continue to get well.

Puppyluv56

Bill, so glad to see you writing again! Great intro! Will definitely look forward to more. It is not just about stomas here but about relationships and friendships that develop because we are ostomates! All other health issues matter as well!



Candy

Bill
Thank you everyone for your kind comments and good wishes at this time of disconcerting physical and mental malaise.
The last thing I would have contemplated for myself was a heart attack as I did not appear to fit any or the normal criteria for this condition: I don't smoke, don't drink, I'm vegetarian and have an ideal diet to avoid fatty deposits etc. We don't have much processed food and virtually no sugar; I'm usually fit and active and for the most part I do not overdo the strenuous stuff and I certainly don't stress about worldly worries. So what could possibly lead to having a heart attack? WEll! To try to get a rational explanation for my own fate I re-read the latest literature surrounding heart attacks and found that one of the main causes is 'AIR POLUTION. - I did not know that and most of my life I have lived on a busy main road with plenty of exhaust emissions. This revelation has got me thinking that, no matter how careful we are at a personal level to stay healthy, there will always be those who are careless about polluting our planet in whatever ways they think fit in order to make a profit of some sort. I have always done my own little bit to help conserve and enhance the environment in which we live, but I'm sorry to report that we seem to be fighting a losing battle on that front in so many different ways. However, I have been heartened to hear this week that young people have gone on strike from school in protest at what is being done to destroy the planet. Perhaps there is hope that the younger generation might be able to achieve what we oldies have failed to do.
Best wishes
Bill
 
Living with Your Ostomy | Hollister
Past Member

Loved your poems... There's a lot we can all relate to. I especially related to the bit of crankiness you displayed when dealing with "the medical system". We've all been there and I actually thought you showed a lot of restraint! LOL Your body may be battered and bruised from your experience, but your mind, spirit, and sense of humor are totally intact! Welcome back.

Bill
Hello weirdnewlife. Thank you so much for your kind comments on the heart attack rhymes and I'm really pleased that you enjoyed them. Sometimes, keeping a diary can help with the process of healing in ways that are not always explained by the physical healing process. As with the coming to terms with a stoma, there are so many social, emotional and psychological elements to deal with alongside the physical and the effects of drugs. Now I feel as if I am on the mend, I can look back and place it all in a rhyming framework which, hopefully will help me to look and move forward to a more positive future.
Best wishes
Bill
freedancer

Hey Bill, it's good to see you here! I hope you are on the mend and will soon be back to the Bill we always love! You answered a question I had. I couldn't remember if it was you or Bain that was vegetarian. Now I know! You once told me about what you have and don't have in your salads. I can eat it now, with New Maxine but we just have Caesar salad right now. What other raw vegetables do you have with your salads? I've been afraid to eat tomatoes or cucumbers because I am afraid of getting blocked. New Maxine has let me know that carrots are not our friend, even cooked. She pitches a fit every time. Well, you and the family are in my prayers. Keep getting better!

Bill
Hello Freedancer. Thanks for your post and your well wishes. I'm hoping that nothing else will go wrong and that the road to recovery will now be smooth.
As for the ingredients in our salads, there has been nothing off limits that were not that way before the stoma. I have always had problems with cucumbers, onions, and radishes, which repeat on me for days after I've eaten them but most other vegetables don't cause problems. I slice and dice tomatoes and make sure I chew carrots well or grate them, rather than slice as that makes sure they are small enough not to cause any blockage problems. I am also partial to raw cauliflower but I have to acknowledge that it tends to create excessive wind. everything else can be added to our salads including olives, cheese, peppers, nuts, potatoes, greens such as watercress, spinach, pea shoots etc, In fact, almost anything that takes our fancy. My main problems arise when I eat processed foods, which often contain preservatives so we are very cautious about buying produce(including salad stuff) which may have been doctored in some way. Where possible, I grow my own and try to avoid supermarket pre-packaged convenience foods as whenever these have been laboratory tested, they have tended to be high in toxic bacteria such as salmonella and other nasties. Unfortunately, much of the food produced,is for profit rather than nutrition or health, so we cannot trust that the food in the shops is either fresh or good for us. I'm a firm believer in trying stuff one at a time and gradually so that I can have a good idea as to what effect each item is having. I also try different ways of serving it such as grating or even liquidising. as this can sometimes eliminate the blockage-type problems. I hope you will be able to find and eat all the ingredients you like in future.
Best wishes Bill
freedancer

Thanks, Bill!

bowsprit

Welcome back. I didn't respond earlier as I was on a wild boar shoot. In the stands on the hunt, if a call of nature or a change of equipment beckons, you have to do it behind a bush and if one of those heavyweights charges then you are in trouble. I was hit on the leg by one when I was 19, it splintered the bone and still hurts on some days. I remember reading about an Englishman who was always on the go. He advised people not to complain but be thankful they are still alive thanks to the skill of the doctors these days. He said he had changed the bag many times behind the bushes. The only real problem he had was on a Chinese ship in China when he had the most terrible runs. The Chinese doctor had never seen a stoma but said he will give an Eastern remedy and a European one. The Eastern one did the trick. I had a friend in London who could reduce any happening to a song sung in a Calypso beat. So here goes: Welcome to Bill Withers Calypso:
Our Mr. Withers, he's a learned man
Writes lovely poems when he can
His poetry does justice to doctors and nurses
But sickness and pain it thoroughly curses
Mr. Withers and his ticker now in good health
Joy and happiness be now his new wealth.
Best wishes and thanks for sharing the poems.

Bill
Hello Bowsprit. Thank you for your reply to this post as I realise that, like so many other things in life, rhyming verse does not appeal to everyone. I've always loved Calypso, which seemed to be the forerunner of rap. Thank you for your rendition and message in this form.
Best wishes
Bill
HarleyDoll

Bill, long time no talkie. I want to tell you that I know how you feel. I mean, I really do know how you feel. I had my bowel surgery in February 2016. On August 28, 2016, I had a heart attack. I also did not have the normal symptoms. All I had was jaw pain and basically nothing else, I mean nothing else that I don't already have daily as I deal with chronic pain. Aside from the bowel issues and the heart attack. With a bit of a history of TMJ and facial pain, I thought, "Oh, it's really acting up today." So I took some Advil, which would normally help it. But it didn't help the pain at all, and that was my first clue. I attribute the next bit of information to God. I had that feeling that they talk about that sometimes people get when they're having a heart attack. That feeling of impending doom, that something isn't right. I despise calling ambulances and having my neighbors see, etc., but this day I felt God was telling me, "Call that ambulance, girl." So I did. Unlike you, I did not have great service. I laid in the hallway for two hours while I found an old junky was whining about going back out after he had been revived. And they ignored me because I only had jaw pain. I didn't even get anything for pain. A technician came along and gave me an EKG. This was after two hours of laying there. I saw the look on her face, and then she repeated the EKG. I've had a test before; it's never been repeated right after the first one. Things changed very, very quickly, and I was rushed in for the gold standard treatment for a heart attack. I really did not understand that that is what was going on with me. I had had a 100% blockage in a smaller blood vessel, and I thank God that it was a smaller blood vessel because within 24 hours, I was in for an angiogram and received four heart stents. The procedure itself was rather difficult because they could not get the needle in my hand and had to go through my groin, the same groin where I had a femoral hernia. Life has not been good to me the last two years, not medically. Okay, now it's three years. Then came the barrage of medications and all the side effects with that, but most of all, the utter terror of going back home alone. But I did it. My mother came for a few days, but she is elderly. I went to cardiac rehab; everybody there seemed to have a wife or a husband to help out. I had none of that, and I was afraid for a very long time. The mental stress of my situation has probably contributed to worse disease. As to the reasons you may have had the heart attack, Bill, I would suggest that you get genetically tested. In my case, genetics played a much bigger role than I anticipated, and as you have described, sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, but genetics are just stronger and people die anyway. The one thing cardiologists do not deal with is the stress and the mental health issues that come, such as the stress and anxiety, etc., after a significant event like a heart attack. They had your pills; most of them either put on weight, make you like a zombie, or just plain give you painful effects. All this to say to you that I get it, more than I would like to. I still live it every day. I made many changes regarding toxic people and toxic situations in my life immediately after my heart attack, I would say within a few months. So there are relationships I formerly could tolerate that I cannot anymore, and I see no reason to. Anyways, it isn't over til it's over. I don't think I've told anybody about this heart attack in detail; I believe I mentioned it in passing on the forum here, and not one person commented. So although I am very sorry you had a heart attack, I am glad I have found somebody that will understand the things we go through. I often wonder since my heart attack, for six months after my bowel surgery, if it was just too much for my body. Anyways, I did have a bad habit, but I quit that the day of my heart attack. I also had a ton of stress for the preceding number of years in which my father had died of dementia, so although I am very sorry you had a heart attack, I am glad I have found somebody that will understand the things we go through. I often wonder since my heart attack, for six months after my bowel surgery, if it was just too much for my body. Anyways, I did have a bad habit, but I quit that day of my heart attack. I also had a ton of stress for the preceding number of years, and when my father had died, my dog, who was my best friend, I had to put down, and I have a very nasty sister who has tried to push me out of my own family with her money and her evil ways. She has not succeeded, but she tries to make my life a living hell. She did not say a word when I had my heart attack, not to me anyways, but it was her who gossiped to all my cousins about my heart attack. I've had to put up with a lot, and I'm not just saying that physically and mentally, like you said. I have a few things that keep me going, about online bill, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And my faith, I will always have my faith. And it goes without saying, my family minus the sister LOL. I would love to buy your book when it's done. Please feel free to private message me again; I would like to connect on this level about the heart attack since there doesn't seem to be a lot of online support groups for that, let alone in my town.

HarleyDoll

Bill, I cannot figure out how to edit and correct the above post and my phone is obviously having mental problems today. The record function is ridiculous and apparently likes to repeat paragraphs as well. So I hope you can get the gist of what I was saying because I'm really too tired to change it all up if I even could figure it out.

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