It's Complicated

What would you do if someone stole your psychological identiy and posted it on a blog of their own? This has happened to me and I am not sure how to react. I have no way to prove that this person, a former friend, has done this because it is really subjective. Plus I do not want any further communication with her because of how things ended in that friendship. But she has copied something very personal and unique to me. It is complicated to explain without going into details that I don't want to give here. I guess I am just angry and need to blow off some steam. Which only compounds the being manic thing because being manic makes a person quick to anger. So she has just given me a reason to be angry. She did it on a blog that I was not looking for but it came to me as a cross post from a creative writing blog I am a member of. I went to the link and discovered this fact about the blog. Like I said it would be very hard to prove and she didn't do anything that I can report to the web master. It just really makes me want to attack her in an inflamed email but to do that I would have to give her my email address. I am not willing to do that. So how do I deal with this personally without going bonkers. 

Lee

Hey Lee, has your therapist given you any coping techniques to use when something happens that upsets you when you’re in a manic phase?

Nope she has not. I  only have been seeing this one since mid May. She did try to teach me breathing but it is very hard for me to focus right now enough to do the breathing the way she taught me. That was when she told me when I cant sleep name something for every letter of the alphabet. Those are the only things so far that she has told me. She did give me a flyer on psychosis. Then she told me Dissociative Identity Disorder is psychosis. She is not that good actually. She is all I can afford though. She is actually a trained drug and alcohol counselor but she sees regular people too through her agency. You would think she would know lots of coping skills dealing with addicts. I don't think she really knows about bipolar and she defiantly doesn't know about DID. She is who my insurance pays for though. Right about now I could use some skills. this thing with the former friend has been brewing in my mind all evening. For a while (about 40 minutes) I was just pacing around the downstairs of my house. I didnt sleep at all last night and I went on a very long walk today so you would think I should be exhausted. nope. not a hope.

Lee

Hello Lee.
Sorry to hear about your present predicament.
I do not wish to comment on your therapist except to say that if you are not confident in her abilities, then the obvious thing to do is to enquire as to how you can change to one more suited to your needs.

I used to get referrals from people who had seen a whole range of ‘therapists’ who had made little or no difference to them, except to make them less receptive to future ‘therapy’.
This was one of the reasons I never labelled myself as a ‘therapist’ or my work as ‘therapy’. My opening gambit with ‘clients’ was to make this clear and clarify how any ‘work’ with me would continue.

Understandably, you would feel a range of emotions about such a very personal incident as it can feel like a personal assault and theft. 
Someone experiencing this sort of thing may feel that they have been a ‘victim’ and might therefore need what is termed as ‘victim support’. However, someone who also experiences bipolar symptoms may need to consider that such an incident could be yet another trigger for that condition.  
You have previously indicated that you do not like taking certain medications (like Lithium & others, which can be effective, but dangerous when doses are not monitored properly) which leaves the ‘conversational’ approaches as an alternative way of managing emotions. 
My own approach used to be to help people to have these ‘therapeutic’ conversations with themselves, This is underpinned by the belief that everyone actually knows their own solutions to their own problems, and with help and practice, they can ‘educe’(draw out) this, and work their way towards an appropriate solution to suit their problem(s).
From what you have told us so far, it seems that you are already on that DIY path in a practical way, but have yet to fully control the emotional aspects.
This can be complex and difficult for people who have not practiced emotional control and they often need guidance and practice with someone who is experienced in this field of psychological/emotional management. 
If it is any help, my own approach postulates that emotions are ‘instincts’ which are so basic that they do not require ‘thinking’ and certainly not ‘thinking logically’. My theory therefore puts forward the idea that ‘LOGIC’ is the antidote to wayward emotions, and if people can practice logical thinking, then they are much more likely to be able to manage their emotions. 
‘Mood’ swings can also be more accurately described as ‘emotional mood swings’, which allows the problems to be placed into the context of ‘managing emotions’.

Having said all that, the theft of intellectual and personal property is not dissimilar to the personal theft of anything else. You have rightly identified that there is probably little that can be done about it, except to adjust to the situation. 
One of the reasons I publish a lot, is that this intellectual stuff is then automatically covered by copyright laws. This does not prevent some people still trying to ‘steal’ it, but at least it gives a certain amount of protection. If there is no acknowledgement of the source of their information, then it also allows the original ‘author’ to point out where the information may have come from. 
This can be done in a logical, factual, non-emotional way and in some small way bring ‘closure’ to what might otherwise have been emotionally traumatic.
I’ll stop waffling now, and hope that you find   some suitable solutions to your problems in the near future
Best wishes

Bill

Thank you for your in depth response to my post. My inclination right now is to attack her weather she finds out my email address or not. When something so personal like this happens it is hard to not react inappropriately. I keep telling myself I want to be the better person. When I was friends with her she once took a letter I had wrote to my therapist when she was at my home and copy pasted it to her own therapist signed with her name. I only caught that because I was going through some other things on my computer and I noticed it in a sent mail folder. It was describing a certain abuse memory/flashback that I had had while she was there. So I guess I should have seen this coming a long time ago. But I wanted to believe that as a friend she would not do this. Part of me just wanted to have a friend with a similar background who would understand me more than my friend who has had no abuse history. So I let it go. I over looked a lot of things during the time I was friends with this person. I just looked the other way. But when I was in care for 7 years and had no computer access I was able to break away from her. And I stayed disconnected. Then I started having flashbacks and memories of things that she had done to me. Abusive things. And I knew I could never talk to her again. I felt betrayed. She had used my past to find my blind spots. So then when I returned home because of being in abusive care setting and my mom took me out of there. I just conveniently "forgot" everything. Then when I came across this blog of hers. Through no looking of my own, but simply because of this other non-related blogger posting her blog and something from her blog and I discovered that it was this former friend/abuser and I checked out her blog and found that she was using things I had told her and names I had told her I guess it made me enraged. Hurt. Very hurt. And yes robbed. Theft of my life. My history. And being used to this person's benefit. To gather sympathy from her followers to her blog. And may people had responded to her posts using my information with sympathy. I honestly just feel crushed. Like this is the final final straw. There is a certain rage inside me about it. And I do think it is furthered by my current situation and state of mind.

As for therapists, I wish it was as simple as finding someone else. I really need a specialist, in both Bipolar and DID. It would be helpful too if they had a working medical background. However Medicaid does not pay for that sort of person. And I can't afford to pay out of pocket for someone like that. She is who Aetna Better Health referred me to.  Actually they first referred me to someone that just sees children and adolescents. Which was no good as I am 46. Then the only other person in my town that takes Medicaid is the person I am seeing now. And she has already made the statement to me, with out realizing what an impact it would make on me, "I don't know if I can help you." Then when I tried to tell her that was really upsetting to hear she cut me off and did not allow me to say anything about it. Then later asked me why I was crying. To which all I could say was, "I donno." But I do know. It was because I have been told that statement all my life.. Starting when I was 15 and had my first psych evaluation. And surprisingly all these years later I still remember that day as if it happened today. So while I agree that I should seek someone else that could maybe help me the choices are not there for me. 

At this time I am facing a possible hospitalization. The last one I had resulted in 7 years in a care facility. With no psych care. It was in that facility that I caught Covid. And as a result got my ileostomy. I do not want to go back to that. So I am resisting being admitted this time. I told my psych nurse I would fight her if she tried to put me in. I even said "you are small I could just sit on you" 

This thing that happened with my ex-friend just pushes me over the top. Thank God I was able to write about it here. A place I know that she would not come. Because as far as I know she does not have an ostomy.

So thank you for listening. I do appreciate that.  And maybe it will keep me from doing something stupid like trying to contact her and ripping her a new a-hole.

Lee

Here’s your free therapy advice from Uncle Alex. 😁 Go punch her in the mouth and tell her off. You’ll feel better and she’ll get the hint. 👍

Lee, you are one of the bright spots on this site and I have a great appreciation of you and the things you write. You are part of our community and we all love you and hope you can work your way through this. I understand your feeling of being violated. Bill gives excellent advice, but I understand how difficult it is to put something like this aside and think about it logically. That is very difficult when you are in the middle of something so stressful. I really hope you can find the help you need and I want to state again that you are appreciated a great deal by me and others here that enjoy your well written and cogent posts.

P.S. I also agree heartily with Alex.

Daniel

That is what I would like to do. (Punch her in the mouth). I am trying to look at things sideways. Like she is so pathetic that she has to steal other peoples history to get sympathy. That it is sad for her that she has to create problems to get attention.. It is very hard though as it is my life that she is stealing. I feel like she is taking away my uniqueness. My own individual story. It is a low blow. One I feel foolish for trusting someone so absolutely. I met her at a rough time in my life when I was struggling a lot and just wanted someone to understand. I was actually the idiot for telling her about my past and about my present. Giving her the material she was seeking to use as her own. Why did I ignore the red flags? Maybe I was needy too. But I never stole her story or life or symptoms. She was very sketchy about her past. Though she said she was abused as a child too. I didn't know she came into my life to suck everything out of me. And even though I am just recently remembering the abusive stuff she did, I should of seen it all along. But I have gaps for certain things having to do with my past if a person triggers those things in the present I just blank them out. So I was blanking out the type of abuse she was doing to me. And for a long time I guess I just let it happen. Every time she visited me. Which was frequently. 

I want to thank you MM for what you said about me being a bright spot. I never think of myself in that way but it feels really good to hear it from someone. Maybe if more people said positive things about me I might have more courage. Or more self esteem. My mom is the only person I get that from and she is not very expressive. She will give me a hug but she won't say like "you look nice today" or "i love the way you handled that." This message board is about as social as I get. So it isn't like I have a lot of friends. I have a best friend who lives 3 hours away from me now. She moved while I was in care for 7 years. So is no longer local. I see her about 2 times a year. I do email her almost daily. She doesn't really build my self esteem. She listens to me and she goes and researches things like ostomies after I got mine and this week she has been researching manic episodes. So I know she cares. But people don't tend to tell me I am of any value. So to make this long post a tiny bit shorter, thank you. For saying I am appreciated. That feels nice. Unfamiliar but nice.

Lee 

Hey Alex

That is what my mind wants me to do. Unfortunately she lives in Ireland and I live in Central America. So I don't think my fist would reach that far. But if I ever do see her again I will rip her a new one. I'd like to do that via email, but then she would know my current e-mail address and that would open up a whole big thing. She would probably try to worm her way back into my life. Actually I am a little mad at myself for checking out her blog page. If I had just ignored it I would not have known she was stealing and using my information. I should of just not looked. But since I did look, I am now angry. How could someone do that? Steal another person's abuse history and personality and psychological state. What kind of person does that?

Lee 

I didn't mean central america when i said that. I meant the center of the united states. my bad. illinois to be exact.

Lee

Hello Lee (again).
Thanks for sharing a bit more about the way you feel about your experiences as it raises a few issues that were not mentioned before. (but probably need addressing).
The first concept is that of loss and betrayal. Loss of any sort can be traumatic, but loss of a ‘friend’ via a process of betrayal, can be even more traumatic than loss without this added dimension. 
You also mention abuse and flashbacks, which are classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is a condition that is treatable without recourse to medication. 
Your description of ‘conveniently forgetting’ would probably fall into the classification of ‘repression’, which is noted for causing serious psychological problems in the longer term. 
Your account indicates several different aspects involving ‘abuse’ of one sort or another, which probably have not been dealt with and resolved. What then often happens, is that people become ‘sensitised’ to abuse, so those past abuses that are unresolved, get ‘added’ to any other future abuses and exaggerates their negative affects.
At the time you broke away from her, it gave you time to reflect on your previous relationship and enabled you to avoid getting back into that sort of relationship when she came back on your scene, (you were probably better off having found out about her) 

Sometimes, when these sorts of pressures become overwhelming, one useful technique is not to ‘repress/forget’ what has happened, but to analyse it all in such a way that you come up with a different perspective (possibly more positive).
I usually achieve this via rhyming verse, where I lay out all the negatives I can think of until they are exhausted. Then (usually in the last verse or two) I turn it all on its head and look for the positives. This does not make the negatives go away (nothing does as it’s part of history) but it helps to move on from history and look forward to a more positive future.
I could give you several examples from my own history to exemplify this concept, but it might be more helpful to take what you have told us and try to look for the potential positives. 
There are several sayings and clichés that encapsulate this ‘distraction’ technique
but two will suffice to point in the right direction. 
“What doesn’t kill you can make you stronger!” (but this only usually works if you don’t get bogged down with PTSD, which tends to make things worse).
Being a writer, I like the saying ”Copying is the most sincere form of flattery”.
Your friend/abuser has obviously perceived your history as one that she would have liked for herself, and seen it as worth stealing! (she probably would not have felt that way if she had actually lived it for herself). The fact that you had documented it, or even shared it with her in other ways is of little consequence, other than indicating that it was of ‘value’ to her. 
Those people responding to her blog are, in effect, corresponding with ‘YOU’ , as it is your life and identity that she has stolen.
This is a powerful indication that your story is worth documenting and publishing. 
There would be an irony in this approach in that her behaviour would then become part of your own biography and you can express your feelings about this without ever confronting her directly. 
However, she is only taking up a fraction of your lifetime in this thieving incident, the most important and interesting story is the one that she has taken and used for herself.
I have just noticed your latest question/post of "why does someone do that?" Well! one answer is that she may be much more 'needy' than you are if she needs to adopt someone else's abusive past in order to attract empathy and sympathy. I would draw your attention to  a similar condition: 'Factitious', in this case is simply distorting the facts to gain attention and/or sympathy.

Munchausen's syndrome is a serious mental disorder where a person deceives others by appearing to be sick, getting sick on purpose, or causing self-harm. It is also called 'factitious disorder imposed on self'.

People with Munchausen's syndrome know they are causing their symptoms. But they may not understand why they behave this way or see their behaviour as a problem.

Their main intention may be to assume the 'sick role' so that people care for them and they are the centre of attention.

They are not looking for other practical benefits, such as claiming incapacity benefit.

I hope this is of some use to you in seeking a new perspective. 

Best wishes

Bill

I do not want to offend you but you sound like Constance when you say think of a positive. My therapist (Constance) once told me if only I thought about my abuse differently I would be DID anymore. But how the heck do you think about the cruelest of abuses in a different way then it sucked royally and was only escapable in my mind as something good? Is abuse good? And how do you think yourself out of Dissociative Identity Disorder? I am dx with Complex PTSD. So I can relate to that making everything even harder when someone abuses you in your adult life. Just before I went into care for 7 years I was drugged with Thorazine and raped. This I do remember because I was not able to block it out or compartmentalize it into another personality. Incidentally the person that did this to me was introduced to me by the person I have been talking about who stole my life and posted as hers. I was going through a hard time during a significant birthday having to do with ritual abuse and the person I was talking about said that this other person would protect me. I was not able to make good decisions at the time and I gave the person who was supposed to protect me my medication and told them how I was to take it and I had Thorazine as a PRN at the time. So I know they gave me several doses of it telling me I needed it. Then gave me alcohol. And more Thorazine. I think after the incident was over I figured out that I was given 50 Thorazine tablets based on what was left in the bottle. And then the thing happened. And afterward We went together to visit my grandmother and celebrate my birthday with my mom and grandmother. My mom said I didn't act anything like myself while there with grandma but she didn't really question why. It was 3 months before one of my personalities told my therapist what had happened. And I had gone on as if nothing happened. Never mentioning it to anyone. I think that is how the person who stole my information got away with so much while i was in contact with her. I just did not react to anything she did when she was doing it. You say stealing my information is flattery. I can't see it in that way. I can only see it as incredibly hurtful to me and to my heart. I don't feel flattered. I am not honored that she felt like my life was worth copying. I have an alter personality who's identity she took in her blog who is my anger center. She is about ready to fly to Ireland and murder this person. (No I am not wanting to harm others) I am just trying to express where the anger is and how it is. I am probably telling to many things here. I know this is an ostomy group not a therapy group. But I can't join a therapy group because the potential that this person or the rape person will be on that group. I used to belong to DID groups. That is actually how I met these two people. Silly me for trusting they were on the up and up. No matter how many times I get hurt I just keep trying to see the best in people and trusting them. What I really don't understand is WH Y? I am not motivated in this way, to take other peoples stories and history and even psychological state... I don't understand people who are. Why? I think that bothers me more than anything. Because I know that i will ever know the answer. I try to make my own reasons. Like maybe she needs attention. Maybe as an abused person herself she is prone to using others. Maybe she never cared about me and she is showing that true side of herself. Maybe she feels that she doesn't have enough abuse in her past to get the attention that she thinks I have gotten/get. When I met her I had a different therapist. One I had seen over 10 years. I was very close with her and informal. Though she did once take me to the ER and have my admitted. I think she was envious of that. She switched therapists 3 times during the time I knew her. Saying that one didn't believe she was DID. Another wasn't ready to talk to her at any given time of day or night, The third dropped her. From her blog she still has the 4th one. And she was in and out of the hospital every few weeks. Which still seems to be the case as her blog said she just got out of the mental ward. I do think she is attention seeking. I also know that her parents don't think she is DID. They won't give attention to her about that. She was always complaining to me that my mom would acknowledge my personalities and her mother would not. There is a whole long history there. When I was around her I would switch left and right and she maybe switched one time. I dont expect you to know the ins and outs of DID but that is a big factor in all of this. I have a well documented diagnosis of DID. She wanted a diagnosis of it. That is another reason why she switched therapists a lot. She wanted a therapist that would get down on the floor and play with her and kind of mother her. Which I can see if her own mother would not give her that kind of attention. I think her parents just got tired of her being in crisis at every turn. When she stole my email to my therapist, years later I was left to wonder what her own abuse history was. If she maybe did not even have one. But her behaviors suggest that something happened that she needs lots of chaos and attention. But what would be wrong with telling her own story. Not mine. I have occasionally thought of writing a memoir. However for safety reasons I would have to change a whole lot of names. Also I think it would become one of those sensational hard to believe remakes of Sybil. And people would deny and criticize and analyze and I just don't really want all that attention or have my name dragged through the dirt after I die. Plus I am just not ready to tell my story because there are still memory gaps. Hence being in therapy. Unfortunately I may never be able to tell the full story. But I have the flashbacks, little glimpses of things triggered by certain holidays, birthdays, smells, seeing certain things and so forth. Feeling cold is a huge trigger. I haven't figured out all my triggers yet either. I had an intro to psych teacher once tell me that I was abused because I was probably bipolar as a child and hard to handle. That idea does not really explain everything though. And it also makes me responsible for the abuse. But that statement is something I haven't ever forgotten. I wasn't diagnosed bipolar until I was in my late teens. I was dx ADHD at 15. So who knows how long I had problems other than PTSD. But I don't think having a disorder means that people should abuse you and you deserve it. I don't know. I really do not know. And again, WHY?

Lee  

Hello Lee.
Thank you for sharing some more of your story. 
 When people have multiple problems all compounded by complex experiences, it is difficult to disentangle it all to make 'sense', in just a few brief discussions. 
I was not at all offended by your response and I think you describe your feelings very well. If you re read my post you might see that I was simply trying to point out some of the techniques that others have used to help manage some of the things you describe.
I would certainly agree with you that 'I don't think having a disorder means that people should abuse you and you deserve it'.

Anyway, I do thank you for prompting me to think about possible reasons 'why' your friend may have chosen the path she did.
I have written my thoughts in verse, but will willingly admit that this may be a wrong interpretation and she might be doing it for some other reason. 
Best wishes

Bill  

A MUNCHAUSEN’S VARIATION. 

Munchausen’s syndrome seems to be 
where people deceive, so others’ see
that they are ill or needy, so
a caring attitude might grow.

This condition was labelled
when, medics in the past, enabled 
confidence tricksters to have receipt
of treatment simply by deceit.

They pretended they were ill
so the medics, with goodwill,
and very little hesitation
would admit for observation.

But it did not take medics long
to fathom out that they were wrong,
as these were factitious disorders
and these patients were false boarders.

Their signs and symptoms showed that they
were trying to get their own way
in an attention-seeking trick
to try to make out they were sick. 

I’ve recently heard of a case
where similar symptoms took place 
on a blogsite, where the con
sought sympathy as sine qua non. (necessary)

The blogger had deliberately
stolen some identity
of someone else much more needy
so they could get some empathy.

This may seem quite peculiar
to become a blatant liar
just to get attention and 
attract those who might lend a hand.

It’s sad to say that some folks may 
lie and cheat to get their way,
but in this case, the symptoms show
a mental illness that we know. 
                                                B.Withers 2023

I think that is a real possibility. I can't think of anything else. My brain actually hurts from thinking about all this. My only consolation is that she can't get any new material from me as we have no contact. In the same it makes me sad for her next victim. I wish I could warn everyone she knows that she might be studying them for her own gain.

Thanks for the verse it gives me something to ponder.

Lee 

Hello Lee.

When you say "I wish I could warn everyone she knows that she might be studying them for her own gain", I could immediately identify with your sentiments.
Over the years, I have worked with many victims of domestic abuse (mostly, but not all, women who have been abused by men). Each time the problem has eventually been resolved by a complete separation of the parties. However, I have always been left with a residual urge to want to inform their next potential victims about the strategies these people adopt to lure people into a loving relationship before they begin their abusive tactics. 
These 'bullies' are so predictive that I am convinced that I could almost quote them word for word and describe their behaviour down to the minutest of detail.

However, realistically, the task of monitoring so many people would be impossible, so I decided to write rhymes on the subject for anyone to read . To date, I have published over 1400 rhymes, which gives an indication of the scale of these problems. 
The saddest part for me, is the knowledge that the bullies happily go on to repeat their bullying, whereas their victims are often  left nursing/managing and coping with their traumas for the rest of their lives. 
Best wishes

Bill

I know it is the wrong way to think, that I could "save" other people from experiencing with her what I have. I know it is impossible to do, as I don't know everyone she comes in contact with or will come in contact with. Still I have that responsibility mindset. Like I am responsible for preventing her from doing this again. It is sort of a twisted version of survivors guilt. Like with my childhood I feel responsible for not having protected my siblings more. So I feel like the way they turned out is my fault. (They are all criminals, one a sex offender) I especially feel responsible for "my baby" my youngest brother who I raised from the time he was born till he was almost 5 and we got separated in foster care. I am only 3 years older than him. But he grew up to have Attachment Disorder and I always think it is my fault for not having done more for him. I feel like I will be to blame if others get hurt by my ex-friend. Like because I didn't tell them what she did to me, then they are in danger of her doing the same to them because I failed to warn them. I know this is irrational. Even so, it doesn't stop me from feeling that way. I guess I spend more time in my emotional/irrational part of my mind then I do in the realistic/reality part of my mind. Maybe even that is what drew me to study Psych in college.

Lee