Meet & talk to fellow OstoMates Support | Friendship | Relationships 22,1K + members

I hope not

Welcome to MeetAnOstoMate.org
Sat Jul 20, 2013 11:54 am
this past thursday i went to see mental health counseler from va she was a phd but not md.During session she asked about dating, intimacy.I told her there had been none however i was invited to ladies home i met during music therapy at ca facility she was music director at local theatre,one of many in sarasota she did not know of ostomy,and after all that i had been thru and monitoring conversations, blogs,thru M-A-O and personal experience my reply was;that with every fiber of my exsistance, I wanted to call and make the date,while every neuron in my brain wondered why I had not done so.Was it the numerous changes since Ca diagnosis...the muscle atrophy and disfigurement of a body i had worked on for years,believing that if i was going to instruct and advise on health and fitness and preventive medicine one should look the part you know if youre going to talk the talk you should also walk the walk,or was it temporary changes in looks esp skin,I hope not that would make me ever so vain.Is it the temporary changes in mental status,that at times undermine my words making them sound obtuse or blunted,or short term memory problems that make verbal intercourse so difficult,I hope not that would project an attitude that all people lack understanding of cancer and the problems of chemotherapy side effects. or is it the sudden change in financial status from living a middle class life style to barely meeting financial responsibilities but i hope not for that would make me a class conscious pretentious sycophant.      the truth is everything happened so fast and va was not forth coming c information,has caused me  to travel this mundane road alone.Not sure why i bare my soul in front of an entire web site,except to help those that might feel the same way.md say i should be excited advances in chemo esp colorectal ca.but iam not i no longer want to deal with all of this alone,to think there is someone that would be intrested in person with stage 4 cancer even though its inactive is probably a pipe dream!
Sat Jul 20, 2013 6:40 pm
Aw Sad  Breaks my heart to see stuff like this.  Seriously - put yourself out there.  I am out and open about my ostomy; there's nothing wrong with me and what happened to me wasn't my fault and it isn't yours either.  None of us have asked for such awful and chronic diseases; they happened TO us and we are all pretty admirable for having the strength and wherewithall to carry on with our lives.  I have not had ANY problem with men not finding me attractive because of my ostomy; I wear a wrap if I'm going to be in the altogether and they can't even see it anyway.  I think if you explain the basics to someone to put their fears to rest you will be fine.  There's no reason to spend the rest of your life alone because you have an ostomy!  You wouldn't be thinking this if you had lost an arm or leg in a terrible accident, would you?  My ostomy has given me back my health and my stoma saved my life, so if someone has a problem with me still living they can kiss my ass!  Best of luck Smile
Sun Jul 21, 2013 5:32 pm
I realise its a lot easier said than done, particularly if you're not in the right frame of mind, but you should go for it. In my experience (albeit limited) the fairer sex tend to be a lot more compassionate when it comes to these types of things. It's not something you have to talk about straight away if you don't feel comfortable. To us the stoma is a massive thing, but I know from experience most anxiety about the stoma is because of our own over active thinking. I'm not the most open person about my ileostomy, but I'm always surprised by the reactions of people I do tell. I've never had a negative reaction from any friends, work colleagues or girl friends. I would even go as far to say that it's pretty low on my list of hang ups when meeting someone new. Anyone that has a problem with it is not worth the time of day.

Please don't think you should be alone or will be alone. Be confident and proud of what you are coping with and make the date. Surprised) Take care Surprised)
Tue Jul 23, 2013 12:19 am
Hi,  just thought I would tell you that you are not alone.  I am in the same position exactly and I met three men and when I told them about the colostomy all three walked.  I don't look to share anymore with men, and I stay home all the time You look like you would be better able to handle this situation than myself so just go out and go for it.   Best of luck to you    Hometown
Tue Jul 23, 2013 12:47 am
I would like to know, what type of wrap and where did you buy it? Thanks!
Tue Jul 23, 2013 10:03 am
Gypsy, I get my wraps from awestomy.com.   They are wicked cute, less expensive than ostomysecrets, and seem built for people who have a higher situated stoma, like I do.  The ostomysecrets wraps don't work for me, they just don't fit right.  Too narrow.  I did, however, order my bikini bottom from ostomysecrets.com.  It's black, has an inner pocket to put your pouch, is high waisted, and has a little skirt that conceals the pouch when it begins to fill.  I wear that and a halter top bikini top to the beach and no one can tell I have an ostomy.  Its an investment to be sure, but the way I look at it is I am investing in my comfort and health.  I highly recommend the awestomy wraps and the ostomysecrets bikini bottom!  
Sat Jul 27, 2013 12:54 pm
Hi Nick. Thanks for your note requesting my experience on this front. I'll do my best and hopefully it is worth the time to read perhaps.

First point ( on chemo ): ha ha! you mean chemo caused this tendency to be kinda ditzy that i've noticed in myself? I have a new rule: no talking to me while i'm driving if the conversation is fun; i've noticed my driving under those circumstances now is really quite inappropriate, to use the softest possible word. Smile

Second point: ( on people & how they respond ) Some people are cruel and trying to be the ultimate person, its a conditional and reactionary emotional life that they live. If you try to date one of them you are bound to get your feelings at least disappointed if not hurt. Friendship is even of questionable value with this type and really having an ostomy is of value here cause...well... gone is the danger of ever being this person for long cause, well there's always that possibility of gas surprising us, lol. There's the silver lining or at least the best I've come up with so far....


On the other hand, some people are more practical than caring and just don't want to be bothered with anything that is not easy, convenient, looks good or might be hard to handle on the social fronts and aren't we all that person at heart but we make the best of what we've got or we don't.

And that's the difference basically: are we as a person the "what's got" that someone has decided they are very happy to make the best of? Won't know till you tell them what's up, meanwhile it feels kinda weird till you've told them I'd suspect about that. I haven't crossed that bridge myself so that's a guess, but I imagine it doesn't feel good cause every smile and nice moment shared before "the secret is out" is now a treasure that might be "lost" once they "know the truth" about us. Ouch. I don't see a remedy for this, just an awareness of its potential and a monitoring of how much we are hoping for from this person before we really know where they stand with us. That awareness is not so that we can shut that hope down until we have their reaction but so that we can be kind to ourselves knowing how much we just got disappointed if it doesn't work. To me that is true emotional wisdom as well as strength: to believe in living what i want while successfully handling the times of living with anything less. And successfully handling a life experience for me is finding a way to be happy while within it, or at least content. Not bitterly resigned but genuinely content; having faith in eventually being blessed by what I want in this life or "the next" helps me with that.

Point three (on our own superficial sides) Nick, I share your disappointment superficially.... wait, no I don't cause we aren't like that. So, I'm NOT disappointed that I'm no longer a big ticket item on the selling block: whole on stomach, even lady parts chemo affected, hair just fell out...yep, not gonna get any sugar daddies and won't make much as a stripper either come to think of it. But, I have a hard time holding that emotion cause heck, I never intended to sell myself to the highest bidder, I don't have a partner so my lady parts at this moment don't matter (and sometimes joy comes down to staying in the moment and never mind later!) and I was already married and the experience shocked me, scared me a bit and took me awhile to get out of cause we've three kids so...well, the way I see it..I've got all these issues that any man would have to make the best of were he wanting to make my face the one he sees when he wakes up every morn and if he deals with them then he must really dig me and if he doesn't deal with them then he didn't really dig me and what do I want with a guy that doesn't really dig me anyway hanging around, that's worse than being alone in my world!

Point four (on coping when my life feels cold and barren of kindness and communion) I have faith in a creator and when I feel alone I talk to that creator...I try to talk with confidence and trust but if push comes to shove I'll get mad and blame and fuss. I either feel relief and reassurance or I emotionally exhaust myself and then get distracted by something else; either way I feel better and got through it without doing anything I might later wish I hadn't done. I've found too that my creator, unlike people, doesn't get mad or hurt when I tell "him" off but hangs in there with me unaffected till I get ahold of myself.
* Please, do not post contact information like email, Facebook or Twitter accounts, or phone number. These will be removed by the Administrator.
All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Currently online: 10    
1 members & 9 visitors