You won't be able to get the trust back so think you should get rid and start again.
There are plenty of guys out there who would treat you right
To answer your first question yes. There are many parallels between yoursituation and what I went through. Lackof sex drive while going through treatment-Yep… The locking of her cell phone without sharing the code-Yep… Confronting her with my suspicions and onlygetting half truths-Yep… Observing herentering the code and then going through texts while she was asleep to find thehurtful truth… Yep. I was completely devastatedand sure the marriage was over. She wassorry, but said she loved “him” and wasn’t sure if she loved me. So fine… I told her to get out of the houseuntil we could come up with an agreement on how we were going to end it (Wehave three kids, a house etc). There wereseveral things that transpired after that which would make this post way toolong, so I’ll just say we ended up trying “work things out” and get to mythoughts on some of your other questions.
Time certainly helps getting past the hurt. It’s been just over three years since Iconfirmed the affair and at this point there are way more good days than bad. A big part of moving forward is showingforgiveness and grace to those who wronged you. For me this is a work in progress, and something that has to be doneevery day. The act of me just saying “Iforgive you” one time didn’t do the trick. It’s a way I have to live every day. Often I don’t, and the hurt and anger build inside. I need to remind myself that it will do me nogood to hold this. Bad for me, bad forher and bad for our kids. So, withrespect to trusting, moving on, getting rid of the images... time has helped,but for me they still show up. Thecounseling you mentioned will hopefully help here as well. ---As long as you both are honest with thetherapist--- The bottom line is I love my wife and kids, and I wouldn’t betaking the “for better or worse” part of our vows seriously if I decided to endthe marriage with my wife having begged for us to “work things out”. I hopeshe was sincere in that moment, and she wasn’t just using it as asmokescreen. I understand I may still benaïve, I certainly was before, but that’s the choice I’ve made.
I did want to give my thoughts on should you confront “her”… I did confront “him” but only because Iwanted him to quit the gym where his family and my family were members… He is a married father of three, and I wentback and forth as to whether or not I should tell his wife. I ended up not doing it for a number ofreasons. As for your situation, I’m notsure it would do any good, and the reaction you are likely to get will justmake you angrier. It doesn’t seem likeshe shares your values with respect to marriage, and she may not even feel likeshe has done anything wrong.
You are probably right that she doesn't care about my thoughts being she knew he was married. She had to have seen my picture of FB and most posts to my husband on there. She probably laughed at every sweet thing I posted to him on there knowing I had no clue what was going on. She is a souless person and I only hope that she finds someone that she falls deeply in love with and that she marries this person only for him to find some cheap whore that is younger and better looking than her and has his own affair. Only then will she feel the hurt that she has caused me and probably others. She has ruined my life and my feelings towards the man that I thought loved me to death, and Lord knows I have staired death in the face many times and he was there for me. I am just beyond belief that such a good man could turn into this cold hearted non caring individual. He has told me since my finding out that he felt like he was possessed and didn't know who he was. Don't get me wrong though as much as I want to believe what he says to me his words are cheap and I take every one with a huge grain of salt. I don't trust him or believe what he says and hopefully in time that we can get past this and become better lovers because of it. I have told him I don't deserve this and he certainly doesn't deserve me. I told him if I found out that she ran off the road and didn't survive that I would be ok with it. I also followed that comment with I don't wish death upon her. I won't let her dark soul turn me into someone I am not. I won't let her make me into this hateful vengful person. That isn't who I am and not who I choose to be. My husband knows if I find him talking or looking at anyone else then he can expect all his belongings outside the front door ready to go. He knows what is at stake. Like the saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" There won't be a twice. Which sucks even more is because of this it killed Christmas, it killed New Years and today is my birthday and as happy as I should be I'm not really. Even worse of that is I have to put on the happy face when I go to dinner tonight for my birthday celebrations. **Deep Breaths** I have faith that my God has bigger and better plans for me and that whatever the result that comes from this that I will be happy again eventaully.
I apologize for the formatting in my last post. I typed it in MS Word and copied into this text editor. I didn't proof it after hitting submit and it turned out all wonky. Sheesh...
Looking back I wish I had moved on. I have memories that doesn't go away. We have a so so marriage and have had for a long time. But damage has been done. I have always looked at him differently than before. I have tried because I believe you can change your thoughts and it can change how you see things and I think that is why we have made it work.
My experience is not to say people shouldn't work it out. I'm sure there are many success stories out there.
My relationship dissolved after almost 9 years when my significant other cheated on me. My diagnosis of being in the precancerous stage with my colon polyps was hard for him to understand. He said he was ok with the fact that I would have to have an ileostomy in order to avoid cancer, but in truth he wasn't. He started to become very secretive and distance. He spoke about this other woman as though she was a good friend. I found naked pictures he took of himself and sent to the woman from my cell phone, as well as her voice recording of herself being "intimate" on my computer. I confronted him, but not the other woman. At first I was scared to move on, but I didn't want to be in a relationship that would be charged with anger and distrust. My two kids and I moved out, and moved on. At first, I didn't want to let go of my anger and I had a lot of things I worked through mentally. It took a long time to put the relationship past me (I think it was around a year). However, I feel so much better now.
I think that trust is very important in a relationship. You're situation is different from anyone else and you need to figure out what works for you. Do what seems best for you. You don't have to rush your decision.
I wish you the best with this devastating time.
As for me, I did move on without him almost 25 years ago. Although, I still think of him lovingly (not in a romantic way) for how he helped me through my illness but I think that leaving him was still the right choice for me because he would have never been able to change the other area that I could not accept.
I can sympathize with your hurt in so many ways, but please believe that you will get through this and the pain will subside and go away.
Best of luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I finally figured out that if I only ate once a day and cut out most everything that could stir it up, I could go back to work as a trucker, but I kept a porta toilet in my truck (laughs)
Well, when we found out that I might need surgery we had a camping trip with some friends. Just 3 days, what could go wrong right? Pffts!
He hooked up with the 18 y/o fiancee of our best friend, then informed me that he was never in love with me, that I was just a convenience and a way to get his CDL, and the fact that I owned a couple of trucks didn't hurt. But he had no intentions on nursing my old sick a** and found him someone young and beautiful.
Well, I went through the diagnosis and surgery alone, I've managed my subsequent surgeries alone. I've survived a perforation in my duodenum without him or any other man in my life since 2005.
I don't even know what I would do with a man in my house right now. LOL