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Have you ever been cheated on?

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Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:05 pm
This isn't really IBD related per say, but has anyone here ever been cheated on by their spouse? I have been in my relationship since 2002 and married since 2008. I have had Crohn's since 1994. My CD almost killed me a few times and the biggest memory of almost dying my husband was by my side rushing me to the hospital. He helped me through my darkest days. Unfortunately our sex life was none existent because I was so ill. I had my first surgery in 2008 only months after our wedding. My second surgery was in 2010 which resulted in a permamnent ileostomy. Even when I wasn't in so much pain I had no sex drive in the least and when we did have sex it hurt so much. He seemed to be understanding but I guess it got to him because about 3 months back he had an affair with a 22 yr old in an open relationship. She knew he was married and I didn't know about her at the time. I didn't have a ue this was going on because I work morning shifts at my job and my husband worked evening shift. I was in bed by 10om and that was when he gotnout of work. I was always asleep when he was to be home but apparently he was screwing around. I finally started to notice he was working later a lot. That make the wheels in my head start turning. He had his phone locked and wouldn't tell me the code. He changed his phone's password on a regular but I finally saw him slip up and unlock his phone infront of me and then I knew the code. One morning he was asleep on the couch and I was awake getting ready for work and took advantage of the unguarded phone and saw his one text he forgot to delete to her. It made me sick. That was a very bad day at work. I kept a close eye on his actions and set up a way to see his texts online without him knowing. I had all the evidence I needed and I confronted him. He said he was sorry but never tolf me the whole truth. Through more searching I found out more information. I knew her phone number, her name, her age, that they texted and never called eachother, sent pictures to each other, they were friends on FB, and they emailed one another. I was missing the past piece to this sickening puzzle which I got two days ago. I had foolishly thought this was just and emotional affair and he even told me they never slept together but he slipped up again and I found out they had sex at least four times. I almost threw up. My heart sank into my stomach my body couldn't stop shaking I burst into tears. How could he do this to me after all I have been through!? He says he regrets that this ever happened, I think he regrets I found out more. The relationship between them was over when I found out but they were still friends, but no sex. If I never found out he would have just left it be and went on living a lie. We arw going to try counselling and go from there. I told him this is his only chance to make this work with me because if I find out he is even looking at other women the wrong way I am leaving him for good. I can't do this to myself. My question to you is how do I get past this hurt? How do I move forward in my life? How do I get past these sick images that play over and over in my head? How to I learn to trust again? How do I make myself want to get out of bed and stop cruing? How do I make my heart stop hurting every waking second of the day? How do I even make love to him again without thinking he shared the same kind of thing with her? Do I even confront her or let her go off scotch free? Thank you for reading this and sorry it is so long. I am just so lost and confused and certainly depressed now.
Wed Jan 08, 2014 12:44 pm
Can't believe anybody could cheat on such a gorgeous girl.
You won't be able to get the trust back so think you should get rid and start again.
There are plenty of guys out there who would treat you right
Wed Jan 08, 2014 5:54 pm
QD28,
To answer your first question yes.  There are many parallels between yoursituation and what I went through.  Lackof sex drive while going through treatment-Yep… The locking of her cell phone without sharing the code-Yep…   Confronting her with my suspicions and onlygetting half truths-Yep…  Observing herentering the code and then going through texts while she was asleep to find thehurtful truth… Yep.  I was completely devastatedand sure the marriage was over.  She wassorry, but said she loved “him” and wasn’t sure if she loved me.  So fine… I told her to get out of the houseuntil we could come up with an agreement on how we were going to end it (Wehave three kids, a house etc).  There wereseveral things that transpired after that which would make this post way toolong, so I’ll just say we ended up trying “work things out” and get to mythoughts on some of your other questions.
o /o
Time certainly helps getting past the hurt.  It’s been just over three years since Iconfirmed the affair and at this point there are way more good days than bad.  A big part of moving forward is showingforgiveness and grace to those who wronged you. For me this is a work in progress, and something that has to be doneevery day.  The act of me just saying “Iforgive you” one time didn’t do the trick. It’s a way I have to live every day. Often I don’t, and the hurt and anger build inside.  I need to remind myself that it will do me nogood to hold this.  Bad for me, bad forher and bad for our kids.  So, withrespect to trusting, moving on, getting rid of the images... time has helped,but for me they still show up.  Thecounseling you mentioned will hopefully help here as well.  ---As long as you both are honest with thetherapist--- The bottom line is I love my wife and kids, and I wouldn’t betaking the “for better or worse” part of our vows seriously if I decided to endthe marriage with my wife having begged for us to “work things out”.   I hopeshe was sincere in that moment, and she wasn’t just using it as asmokescreen.  I understand I may still benaïve, I certainly was before, but that’s the choice I’ve made.  
o /o
I did want to give my thoughts on should you confront “her”…  I did confront “him” but only because Iwanted him to quit the gym where his family and my family were members…  He is a married father of three, and I wentback and forth as to whether or not I should tell his wife.  I ended up not doing it for a number ofreasons.  As for your situation, I’m notsure it would do any good, and the reaction you are likely to get will justmake you angrier.  It doesn’t seem likeshe shares your values with respect to marriage, and she may not even feel likeshe has done anything wrong.  
o /o
Dave
Thu Jan 09, 2014 12:58 pm
dsmithsc91,
     You are probably right that she doesn't care about my thoughts being she knew he was married. She had to have seen my picture of FB and most posts to my husband on there. She probably laughed at every sweet thing I posted to him on there knowing I had no clue what was going on. She is a souless person and I only hope that she finds someone that she falls deeply in love with and that she marries this person only for him to find some cheap whore that is younger and better looking than her and has his own affair. Only then will she feel the hurt that she has caused me and probably others. She has ruined my life and my feelings towards the man that I thought loved me to death, and Lord knows I have staired death in the face many times and he was there for me. I am just beyond belief that such a good man could turn into this cold hearted non caring individual. He has told me since my finding out that he felt like he was possessed and didn't know who he was. Don't get me wrong though as much as I want to believe what he says to me his words are cheap and I take every one with a huge grain of salt. I don't trust him or believe what he says and hopefully in time that we can get past this and become better lovers because of it. I have told him I don't deserve this and he certainly doesn't deserve me. I told him if I found out that she ran off the road and didn't survive that I would be ok with it. I also followed that comment with I don't wish death upon her. I won't let her dark soul turn me into someone I am not. I won't let her make me into this hateful vengful person. That isn't who I am and not who I choose to be. My husband knows if I find him talking or looking at anyone else then he can expect all his belongings outside the front door ready to go. He knows what is at stake. Like the saying goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" There won't be a twice. Which sucks even more is because of this it killed Christmas, it killed New Years and today is my birthday and as happy as I should be I'm not really. Even worse of that is I have to put on the happy face when I go to dinner tonight for my birthday celebrations. **Deep Breaths** I have faith that my God has bigger and better plans for me and that whatever the result that comes from this that I will be happy again eventaully.
Thu Jan 09, 2014 7:17 pm
Well it sounds like you have the situation assessed really well and are ready to move forward.  No doubt it sucks now for you.  There are still times it is rough for me.  I like to reflect on Romans 5:3-4 when things are sketchy.  I believe there is some truth there.  Hopefully you will find a little birthday cheer today, and remember...  illegitimi non carborundum...

Onward,
Dave

PS,
I apologize for the formatting in my last post.  I typed it in MS Word and copied into this text editor.  I didn't proof it after hitting submit and it turned out all wonky.  Sheesh...
Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:17 pm
I'm also in & out of hospital with my stomas, pain etc.. I met & married my husband in 2010. I LOVE my husband so much, and yes when I'm really ill we won't have sex for 2-3 weeks+ (zero seven eight six four two two zero two five two)* BUT, if I found out he'd had sex with someone else then we'd be over! If he craves sex because he hasn't had it for ages then he does a D.I.Y job. lol Introduce your guy to his hand & palm, then return to getting yourself better. In my marriage, just because our lack of sex is down to me been ill, I miss it just as much as my husband. THERE IS NEVER A GOOD (ANY) REASON FOR CHEATING!!! STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM & FOCUS ON 'YOU'!!!!!
Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:42 pm
I always said the same thing that if I was cheated on that it would be over. Let me say it is easier said than done, trust me. We have 11 years of history and it is hard to throw away so many good things over a really large bad thing. I don't make excuses for him. We are going to counselling and I believe we will make it. He has stopped going out at night and stays at home now. He says "I love you" so much more. He hugs and kisses me a lot more. He plays with my hair, holds my hand and puts his arm around me when we are out in public. The piece of shit man that existed just a few months back is gone and in place I have a very attentive husband. It is still hard for me every day. When I go to my bad place in my thoughts I stop myself and sing over and over "Jesus loves me this I know" which really helps me get out of that thought pattern quickly. I do have anxiety every day and think I need to find a psych to talk to in order to allow myself to heal. My husband owes me everything now. He robbed me of my happy thoughts and memories. He robbed me of my sanity. This chick I would love to see tortured because she knew he was married and still went through with everything. Ok well I'm going to stop myself because I am going to bad places in my thoughts that I am trying to leave behind me. I will allow myself to heal. I will never forget. I check his email, FB and text messages all through the computer now and he knows that I do. I have his clock in/out website and code for work so I know when and when he is on the clock at work. I have a GPS on his phone. He knows about all this and has no choice but to be ok with is. He has zero privacy and he did it to himself and has to suffer the consequences. I even had a guy I have known for 10 years hit on me and tell me how gorgeous I am after I had told him about my situation. He tried to engage me in a sexual conversation and I told him no that I respect my marriage regardless of the hurt I am in. I don't want to have anyone feel this kind of pain (except for the B***H that slept with my husband she deserves that kind of pain). I am a better person than that. I won't let others downfalls change who I am and turn me into a person I would hate. I love myself too much to allow that to happen.
Wed Jan 15, 2014 12:04 am
Yes I was cheated on many years ago. Long enough to see what it is like in the long term.
Looking back I wish I had moved on. I have memories that doesn't go away. We have a so so marriage and have had for a long time. But damage has been done. I have always looked at him differently than before. I have tried because I believe you can change your thoughts and it can change how you see things and I think that is why we have made it work.

My experience is not to say people shouldn't work it out. I'm sure there are many success stories out there.
Wed Jan 15, 2014 12:06 am
Hi Quietdreamer28,

     My relationship dissolved after almost 9 years when my significant other cheated on me. My diagnosis of being in the precancerous stage with my colon polyps was hard for him to understand. He said he was ok with the fact that I would have to have an ileostomy in order to avoid cancer, but in truth he wasn't. He started to become very secretive and distance. He spoke about this other woman as though she was a good friend. I found naked pictures he took of himself and sent to the woman from my cell phone, as well as her voice recording of herself being "intimate" on my computer. I confronted him, but not the other woman. At first I was scared to move on, but I didn't want to be in a relationship that would be charged with anger and distrust. My two kids and I moved out, and moved on. At first, I didn't want to let go of my anger and I had a lot of things I worked through mentally. It took a long time to put the relationship past me (I think it was around a year). However, I feel so much better now.

   I think that trust is very important in a relationship. You're situation is different from anyone else and you need to figure out what works for you. Do what seems best for you. You don't have to rush your decision.

   I wish you the best with this devastating time.

Lisa
Wed Jan 15, 2014 12:32 am
When I read your post I felt like I was reading my own story from a few years ago.  Let me first say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I have been divorced for many years, since before I was diagnosed but he cheated on me too.  But about four years ago when I was in really bad shape, my boyfriend of three years suddenly announced that he was leaving me.  Two weeks later I was in the hospital so dehydrated and malnourished from Crohn's that I barely remember it.  Since then I have had about seven surgeries including a permanent ileostomy and I also lost my esophagus and eventually had reconstructive surgery to be able to eat again.  So I've been through it all to say the least.  I'm telling you this because what I learned was that we always hear these stories about spouses that stick by their other half through horrible illnesses--"in sickness and in health", right? But in reality, we hear these stories because they are special.  Most people can't handle the stress on their own and the relationship is strained because it's not what they expected it to be.  I expected to spend my life with this man and we had a decent relationship but only for as long as it was focused on him.  When the relationship balance had to change, it no longer worked. I went through all the same stuff with him--checking his phone and his suspicious behavior, etc.--earlier in our relationship.  I tried to forgive him and move on but, I hate to tell you this, I shouldn't have wasted my time and I shouldn't have put myself through it.  In the end, I came to realize that our relationship was all about him and when I needed it to be about me, he wasn't there for me.  He's not cheating because he needs sex.  No one cheats just because of that.  He's cheating because of something else he's not getting from the relationship. Usually it has something to do with the attention he's not getting or he needs his ego stroked or something else he needs.  And for some reason, he can't put those needs aside when you need him to because you are sick.  I still feel pain over the loss of that relationship but I'm glad it's over.  He wouldn't have been there for me in the long run and I would have spent my life with a man I couldn't trust or rely on.  I'm glad to hear he's willing to go to therapy though.  Just remember that you did nothing wrong and it wasn't about sex.
Wed Jan 15, 2014 1:42 am
Very well said, livinnandlearnin.
Wed Jan 15, 2014 10:26 am
I, too had this happen to me. My husband was also always by my side through my illness and made me feel whole as a woman again after my permanent ilieostomy as a result of Crhones. Unfortunately, he was a womanizer and I could not tolerate this behavior. We also tried counseling but I could not let go of my anger and hurt to make it work. You need to ask yourself if this is a man worth keeping and look at his other attributes, good and bad. Since then, I turned to my strong belief in God and daily said the "Our Father" prayer. I don't want to seem that I am telling you to do the same or to believe in God; but for me it helped to say the words "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". I truly believe that saying these words for me over and over helped me to forgive. By forgiving, I was able to move on. It would help you to do what ever it takes for to you to forgive him and yourself and I believe that this will set you free from the pain to move on.
As for me, I did move on without him almost 25 years ago. Although, I still think of him lovingly (not in a romantic way) for how he helped me through my illness but I think that leaving him was still the right choice for me because he would have never been able to change the other area that I could not accept.
I can sympathize with your hurt in so many ways, but please believe that you will get through this and the pain will subside and go away.
Best of luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:03 pm
Thanks all for your replies to my situation. I go back and forth on what I really want to do. I stopped checking on his phone so much just because I haven't found anything on it but it was just exhausting always worrying. I know I can check it at any time on the site I have set up and nothing will be deleted, even if he deletes it off his phone. He goes to work and home and that's it now. He is always messaging me through out the day to check on me to see how I am doing. When we are at home together he wants to hug onto me and not let me go. I love the attention but it is almost smothering at times but I think it is his way of saying he is sorry. He has apologized to me many times about this all. He asked me the other day if I was going to be leaving him and I told him honestly that I really didn't know. That I wasn't planning on leaving but that I really haven'y fully made up my mind. I have forgiven the act but forgiveness doesn't mean you forget. I forgave him to set myself free and to allow myself to move forward. I told him the other day that I will not have relations with him until he sets up a doctors appt to get STD testing done. I already have my appt set up. It's a work in progress and my mind is still a mess but I am sure I will find my right answer in time. Either way it goes I know I will be happy. I am the only one that is in control of my happiness, no one else.
Fri Mar 14, 2014 9:11 pm
My ex husband watched as I became more and more ill due to my undiagnosed FAP, it had gotten so bad that for a whole year, I didn't leave my house for fear that I would have one of those messy accidents.

I finally  figured out that if I only ate once a day and cut out most everything that could stir it up, I could go back to work as a trucker, but I kept a porta toilet in my truck (laughs)

Well, when we found out that I might need surgery we had a camping trip with some friends.  Just 3 days, what could go wrong right?  Pffts!

He hooked up with the 18 y/o fiancee of our best friend, then informed me that he was never in love with me, that I was just a convenience and a way to get his CDL, and the fact that I owned a couple of trucks didn't hurt. But he had no intentions on nursing my old sick a** and found him someone young and beautiful.

Well, I went through the diagnosis and surgery alone, I've managed my subsequent surgeries alone.  I've survived a perforation in my duodenum without him or any other man in my life since 2005.  

I don't even know what I would do with a man in my house right now. LOL
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