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Things I've noticed as an ostomate

This is the best website for people with an Ostomy. So much understanding.
I find that I no longer leave the toilet seat up. I go number 2 faster than anyone I know. I no longer get the urge to poop and don't have to worry about sh*tting my pants. I miss farting. I never run out of toilet paper. When I drive behind a car when the battery discharges, past freshly laid mulch or when driving near a slaughter house, I get paranoid that my bag has sprung a leak. If I ever get into a confrontation, I can always use the contents of my bag as a defense mechanism.  I call it dirty mace. I use a hair dryer after showers to dry my bag.  Being a bald guy, I wonder if my landlady wonders why I'm using the hair dryer?

  Just a few things that make me laugh.  Please add to the list of things YOU'VE noticed.  tongue-out



Love it! Made me laugh!

MeetAnOstoMate - 28,298 members

I am choking on my evening tea!  These were all great!!!!  Keeping a sense of humor is so important....in fact I think it is key to healing physically and emotionally. 

Thanks again!


Thanks Bain. We need these sorts of posts to keep us going and to keep us from becoming morbid about the whole thing.

Best wishes



Prior to my surgery, I had such a nervous colon, that going anywhere resulted in me running to the bathroom and waiting for the "runs."  No more...now I'm out the door easy peasy. 

Regarding explusion of gas from the rear butt, following a colonoscopy this week, while home recuperating I felt a strange sensation - went to the loo and VOILA I actually expelled air LOUDLY from the back.  I never thought I would ever say this...but I miss farting too!

I feel a real sense of entitlement when I'm waiting on line in a store and I can sense "action."  Ha...I can just stand there all smug knowing that I can take care of business and do my shopping at the same time.  I am multi tasking and only I know it!

I have new "cred" with my 12 year old nephew who, upon my answering what kind of surgery I had, responded "awesome" when I told him I had several inches of my colon removed.  My 7 year old niece thinks pooping in a front butt bag is cool and giggled for a long time when I responded to her question of "what happens with the back butt?" and I said "it's on vacation." 

Not as funny as NJBain...but looking at the bright side of this new way of life is the way to go (please do pardon the pun wink).



  Glad I could put a smile on your faces and thank you for the responses.  I agree that life without laughter is not living.  If I didn't have a sense of humor, I'd of lost my mind a long time ago.  Hang in there all and God bless!



LOL. Great stuff NJ Bain.  I miss farting too;  However, you can always unclip your bag whenever you need to clear out a room or don't feel like waiting in line at the bar for a beer.


Love it . Thanks

Much to my wife's chagrin, I still unfortunately  leave the seat up on occaasion...


I miss hangover poos. The sort that would make u feel less hungover


A sense of humor goes a long way!  I find that when I don't make a big deal out of having an ostomy, no one else does either!


Well we do fart.......although no silent missles. If someone lays a stinkfart in the room I KNOW it ain't me:) 

I love the "my back butt's on vacation" :)

As my ostomy is in the middle I have my own "loin cloth". 

I know more about peristalsis now than any one I know....well except for this crowd!...lol

I know more about my digestion transit time, what foods do what to me, and what things I digest well or pills I absorb than I ever have in my life!

AND if I want to get freaky, I eat a meal with red beets and red wine on the menu. Looks like I am bleeding to death!! Too bad I can't use that for halloween! :))


One other thing I've learn is that "  Yes  sometimes ,my shit does stink !"  Could knock over a horse,  a 1/2 mile away ,on occasions   LOL


Baha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaa!!!   You cracked me up.  I can certainly relate!!


It definitely helps to have a sense of humour! I brag to my friends that I can $h!t and drive so I can multi task and don't have to pull over on road trips ☺.

I miss farting too. I hate feeling bloated and not being able to release the pressure even though the natural urge to let one go remains.

The things we get to laugh hysterically  about like a luntic. .. eg  the ridiculous fact that you can say to the district nurse that it's been a good day simply because you didn't leak $h!t through your belly while doing a bag change. Or when in a shopping mall with a friend and she mentions about having a sore rear end and you can sympathise because the nappy (diaper)rash on your belly is quite sore lol.


Im Urostomy & connecting up my night bag I could drive the length of Uk without a bathroom stop ( I would need to re fuel the car )


Thanks everyone for the laughs! It does help to have a gr8 sense of humor during this new lifestyle I'm living.  I now have a little more Junk in my Trunk that I used. Although my life has kinda been if Poop happens , it happens to me.  Well, so true now, Literally,  LOL !  I don't advertise that have baggage,  just a few friends know. They love that I have a gr8 way of dealing with it, believe me, I've had some days and nights of tears, buckets of tears. Like when you wake of in a pile, especially on a winters morning,  yuk !  But thankful I woke up and carry on. Doctors said my life would be normal,  I wasn't normal to begin with.  Luv to live, love and Laugh ! God bless ya'll!  ♡ ♡ Smooches! 


Thanks for the reminder Bain.  We’ve all been in situations where some ridiculous moron is telling us a stupid story and, for whatever reason, we’re compelled to be the audience.  We need to smile, nod our heads in agreement, do all the stupid things to make believe we really care.  We do that because we’re respectful even though we want to scream.  Since my ostomy I had that experience and presented myself as the perfect, interested listener.  While doing so I inconspicuously moved my bowels, continued to grin and nod my head and when it was all over I was relieved and the moron was still full of shit.



After 10-15 years you will no longer miss farting.

Happy New year

NJ Bain, you have a great since of humor. I am new to having a colostomy and I have not been handling it very well.
I am hoping my reversal surgery will happen the end of January
but I know from reading on here sometimes it doesn’t work out.
It is nice to find a support group like this. I want this reversal to work out so bad but I am also scared of another surgery after my experience in the hospital. Did you have a hard time at first or were you always just able to see the positive side and humor?

Hey Ladymel, Bain will probably do a better job with a reply but , since the year is ending in a few hours, I needed to put in my two cents. An ostomy was a big deal to any of us who were old enough to know our bodies were being reconfigured.  Many of us were traumatized more in our heads than in our guts.  Most got over it; some more quickly than others.  We needed to deal with our new selves and we did.  For some who suffered for years with the discomfort of chrohns, UC or the like, their ostomy was the beginning of a new, much, much better life.  

It is what it is and the manner in which we deal with it can make us healthy, happy and helpful people.  You'll be just fine.

Wishing you the very best,



Hi Mike, So nice to hear from you. Thank you for replying. I have been having a really hard time and it’s great to be able to talk to people who understand. I feel I was totally traumatized. I did have a lot of problems for years but never officially got diagnosed with anything until my ER visit that lead to my surgeries. I was told I had diverticulitis. I am wondering if I don’t have UC or crones and that lead to the diverticulitis infection? I am supposed to have a reversal the end of this January but worry if I have/had crones or UC that it will come back and I will have to go through all this again. 

I don’t feel whole or like myself. I am still recovering because I had to have two surgeries after the first one. But I feel weak, sick and unattractive and really alone. I lost my mom in the middle of all this and we were close. I have my kids and this has been so hard on them too. We don’t do the fun things we used to do. We are home all the time unless we go to grocery store or doctors appointment or it’s somewhere I have to go. I still have an open wound which I have a wound vac for. I am hoping it heals up in time so my reversal doesn’t get pushed back. I am just worried about it all... sorry for my rambling. Lol can you tell I really needed to talk?


Hi Ladymel. Ramble on! That’s why we’re here. You’re sharing with us and we’re fortunate for that. Your problems are at lot like others here and we can only be helped by sincere compassion which is so common here. We’ll talk more; we’ll share more and you’ll feel more comfortable with the whole package of junk we deal with each day.




Thanks Mike,

I have been reading posts on here for a while just finally had the courage to finally start talking about it.

I can take a dump in the grocery line up or any place I like/

Stoma goes into a bar.

Batender says,Your not like the usual assholes we get in here.

I’m not as full of shit.no adalt dyperz for me.ican shit my shirts 👚.jerz I’m busten up.

I miss farting and i, too, have thought that my bag contents would make a great defense mechanism.


The funny side of having an Ostomy is the best side!

Without the funny parts, we couldn’t survive! Thanks God we have each other to tell those stories to! 


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