Meet & talk to fellow OstoMates Support | Friendship | Dating 20,853 members

He is not willing to try

Posted by freedancer, on Sat May 26, 2018 9:39 pm

Well, I did not think this would happen but I am absolutely unable to take any more of the verbal and mental abuse.  I gave my spouse the news that I am leaving on June 1st.  He literally has had 12 years and 10 months to make things work between us but when only one person is trying, it doesn't fix things very well.  Early on in our relationship, he lost all desire for intimacy.  He said he just wasn't interested.  I begged him to please see the doctor and try to get something done.  He did and the doc said it was an easy fix.  Just one shot each month but my spouse refused and it has been 11 years with no sex.  Things between us just kept going down hill.  He had no provisions made if he was to pass away.  If he died, I would have to move immediately.  He refuses to repair anything around our home but keeps his apartments in tip top shape.  The kitchen at our home is in terrible shape.  It needs to be gutted and redone but when I voice my opinion about it he yells at me and tells me to fix it myself.  But it is not my house!!  He constantly gets mad at me if I am on Facebook or on the computer in general and always wants me to help him clean and paint the apartments. If I say no, he gets angry at me.  None of it is mine so why should I spend my time working on things I will get no benefit from.  I told him I would be happy to help him work on our home but he won't.  When he bought his new cabin after our other one burned down in a forest fire in 2012, I helped repaint, pull up old carpet, clean, build a wood shed and cut and stack wood as well as work in the yard and assist with decorating the new cabin only to find out that my name isn't even on the deed!!  I was heart sick about it.  I couldn't even have rights to it if he passed away. Whenever something breaks down here at our home, he buys the cheapest replacement he can find.  I have told him many times to buy midline priced items.  Not the cheapest or the most expensive but in the middle.  Those products seem to be the best but he won't listen.  When we first got married, things went well and he was quitting smoking but that went by the wayside too.  I asked him to please smoke in one room or outside and he stays up in his office but refuses to go outside.  Now, with my health issues, I can no longer tolerate the smoking.  If he comes downstairs and I am watching a show or movie he doesn't like he will change it.  If I cook supper and it is something he didn't pick out, he turns up his nose at it and says "I guess you don't like to cook much anymore" but he won't even try it before making a decision.  The final straw was a month ago when I was watching my son in law sing at Boston College where he is getting his doctorate.  He came downstairs mad at me because I was on the internet where my daughter was streaming the concert.  He kept talking and yelling at me and I nicely asked him to wait until intermission and I would talk with him but he kept talking and yelling.  Finally I told him he was being very disruptive and he got irate at me and called me a pig. I was speachless!!  I had done nothing to cause that! I stayed up all night just crying and praying to God.  The words "You're a pig! Just a dirty little pig" kept flowing through my head.  I keep this home as clean as I can despite its falling apart.  I am a clean person as well but I just felt like no one wanted or loved me.  Finally, after months of waiting on God to tell me what I should do, He stated to me, clear as day to move out.  He told me to give my spouse one year to pull it together and if he didn't do it by then, I would need to move on.  God knows how hard I have tried and worked on this marriage.  My spouse has never physically struck me but the mental and verbal abuse and the constant controlling of everything I say and do has been just as painful.  Lord knows at 62 years old I am scared to start over but I cannot bear to go through this any longer.  I prayed for guidance to find a job and an apartment and God blessed me immediately with both.   I was hired as a medical escort to take patients to appointments and also to help with shopping and socialization.  I found a great apartment with a garage for my storage and I will move in on the first of June.  I can afford it on my retirement and with my part time job.  I told him he has a year to get his crap together.  He is to also make a new appointment with the counselor we were seeing.  I told him I would go if he made the appointments but now he is saying that he will only make the appointments and work on things if I stay and that is something I cannot do because nothing will change. I have to show him that I mean what I say.  I am scared but I have to follow God's will for me. 

Reply by Bill, on Sun May 27, 2018 3:34 am

Hello freedancer. Thank you for sharing the story of your relationship. I note that you don't specifically mention anything stoma related but wondered if there might be something 'unsaid'  underlying all his abuse.  It sounds as if you have given him 'fair-warning' and if he is not willing to change and do something about the problems, then the impetus for change must come from you. Drastic changes like this are often worrysome but I hope everything works out for you.

Best wishes

Bill 

Past Member
Reply by Past Member, on Sun May 27, 2018 4:08 am

Hi tell the prick to take his act down town.and get on with your life.men ate his aig cant get women if they tried. You won’t have any problems get your self out and don’t worye about him worey about your self women can start over at any aige.stand strog chick.kemo 

Reply by xnine, on Mon May 28, 2018 4:20 am

Surprised you stayed as long as you did. Take charge of your life. You can do it.

Reply by freedancer, on Mon May 28, 2018 2:08 pm

Thank you Bill.  He never has spoken much about my stoma but with no intamacy,  I really have no way of judging the issue.

Reply by freedancer, on Mon May 28, 2018 2:09 pm

Thank you!

Reply by freedancer, on Mon May 28, 2018 2:10 pm

Thank you!

Reply by Raine061, on Mon May 28, 2018 2:40 pm
You can do it! Best of luck to you.
Reply by Texasmade, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 12:55 pm

He's used you as his whipping post way too long. We don't always know why we put up with abuse. Get on with your life and find some enjoyment. Scripturally, marriage was not originally for love. Even today, marriage is really for legality issues. Don't let your age influence your decision. I was 73 when I finally told someone to get lost. Oh, and my ostomy was never a problem. I know when I meet someone if it's going to be an issue. With authentic people - if you don't have a problem, then neither will they. Stay away from the losers; they just will drag you down with them.

Reply by annofsd, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:17 pm

Get out now and get on with your new life. 

Reply by Maried, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 1:58 pm

Please see a divorce attorney too to protect your rights

Reply by Rosiesmom, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:07 pm

Hi, freelancer.

i have seen your posts on other topics and you are always so kind and carding. You do not deserve the hand your were dealt in this relationship. I would be interested in how many other failed relationships this man has had. As a rule leopards don't change their spots. Hey you have the stuff to deal with a stoma daily emptying this crap from your life should be a since. I truly hope the good Lord sends somebody really special into your life. Chin up and good luck.

Reply by anyark, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:15 pm

Hi free,

I'm proud of you for having the strength to move out.  What you're describing, I feel, is a narcissistic abuser, possibly sociopathic. Please don't expect any real changes 

I agree that you should see a divorce or family attorney to protect yourself.  Also, there are abuse hotlines, which can help as well as support groups, to help you to understand the psychopathology of that man.

Wishing you the best....anyark 

Reply by Mojowin, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:19 pm

He is a weak pathetic man. Leave him you deserve better

Reply by vikinga, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 3:56 pm

Absolutely leave! You have done all you could, so have a peaceful conscience. The fact he won't put you on the deed on anything nor spend any money on your mutual home says how little he cares about your well being! He is a manipulative control monster.!!! I don't know what the laws in your state are like but it may be in your favor as far as the assets go in a divorce. Worth checking out. You worked for it!!! All the best.

Reply by Rusty, on Sun Jun 03, 2018 4:29 pm

About time girl! Kick his sorry ass to the curb now! 

God bless you.

Best of luck.

Rusty

Reply by freedancer, on Mon Jun 04, 2018 1:04 am

I  want to thank all of you for the support and kindness you have shown me through out this ordeal.  I will be fully moved out.  I have to say that I am feeling very positive! Thank you!

Reply by CharK63, on Mon Jun 04, 2018 12:52 pm

Congratulations!
You made the right choice! To put it simply: you are a victim of spousal abuse. Absolutely words can hurt as much as blows! You have the self preservation to be able to enjoy the rest of your life and you are well on your way to do just that!
I was in an abusive marriage for 30 years and I’m embarrassed to admit that he left me. Here I was with so much more going on in my favor but he refused to leave and I wanted to keep my house. Needless to say none of it worked out that way, and I found relief in a likker bottle, which by the way, only made matters worse a hundredfold.
My self esteem was already in the toilet and becoming an alcoholic solidified my feelings of being a failure at everything. Funny thing...it’s ten years now and I no longer have a drinking problem but he still does and he’s in another abusive relationship. Thankfully, I’ve regained my sense of self and don’t need to see him be a failure to understand that I’m not.
I was 55 when we split up and what I was the most sorry about was that I was so old before it happened. I felt that I didn’t have a chance to become a whole person again at that age.
It turns out that it wasn’t a job or a house that made my self esteem but an inner sense of worthiness. While I know I’m responsible for myself, having someone knock you about verbally takes its toll on a person. It’ affects your ability to make yourself right.
I don’t mean to over intellectualize here. It just comes out that way. I’m sorry for that.
I’m happy for you to have found a job and apartment and know you can survive on your own. That is so great!
I went for four years with NO income at all. Fortunately my mom took me in (which I stoutly refused to consider)

Im sorry for rambling on. Good luck to you, you’re doing great! Make sure you get what you deserve out of this marriage. He shouldn’t be allowed to to get the best of you. It’s just not fair. 

Charlotte

Reply by Angelicamarie, on Mon Jun 04, 2018 5:23 pm

Freedancer, The  first law  of nature is self preservation. Self worth. self esteem are also inportant to a woman, you made a decision to move on-but you left the door open for him.to one who abused you for 12 yrs  and 10 months.Truly I hope he changes for your sake, good luck to,you! Your situation puts me in mind of another ostomate who's no longer on the site, who too shared her story, and other ostomates supported her, said he was the sorriest individual. Well she got a reversal, and this man she said treated her so bad. She's back with him.  She Told  me she never was going to leave him.because she loved  him. Freedancer I pray he will change... thanks for sharing and good luck! For everyone deserves to be loved and respected. Angelicamarie

Reply by Rosiesmom, on Mon Jun 04, 2018 5:40 pm

I truly believe that our ostomies are blessings! It makes us more compassionate to the needs of others as has been displayed in the genuine support and caring comments to all who reached out to you Freedancer. Stay FREE and keep your dancing shoes handy I feel you will need them sooner than you think. It is true when they say God never closes a door without opening a window. I w I'll think of you often and pray for your great future.

sincerely Gail (Rosiesmom)

Reply by Smalls67, on Thu Jun 07, 2018 10:45 pm

I really hope u leave him and don't return. He will not change trust me on this issue. Been down that road.  Beat of luck to you.

Reply by freedancer, on Fri Jun 08, 2018 1:42 pm

Thank You! This has been the most difficult move I have ever done but has been a relief.  My first night in my apartment I had to sleep in my chair because there was a plumbig leak that flooded the bedroom.   The job is just right for me.  It gives me that little bit of extra income to keep things balanced.  Man....I did not  realize I had so much stuff!

Reply by Rosiesmom, on Sat Jun 09, 2018 9:36 am

Happy to hear you so upbeat and positive. When you dump the negativity in your life it is amazing what you can accomplish. May your glass remain half full. As my granddaughter says "you go girl" all the best 

* Please, do not post contact information like email, Facebook or Twitter accounts, or phone number. These will be removed by the Administrator.
All times are GMT - 4 Hours
Currently online: 6    
1 members & 5 visitors
 
 
Welcome to MeetAnOstoMate - the largest online community for people with an ostomy.
If you have questions or just want to meet and chat with others, join us and enjoy our great community.