Experiences with Osto-Date?

Hi gang,

Well, I went and checked out the "other" ostomy dating website...........can I even say their name here? I'll play it safe and not say it, but I'm sure you all know I'm talking about Osto-Date. Oh carp, I went and said it. Darn. Ok, forget; I said that.

Seems like that site is more focused on dating with minimal discussion, whereas this site is more discussion with dating more of a background thing. I saw many familiar faces on there that are also on here.........so I'm curious as to how that's working out for you guys. I'm getting ready to get into the dating scene and really don't know if I should pretend having an ostomy is not an issue, or if I should really try to meet someone with an ostomy as well. I'm pretty sure most women won't care about the ostomy, but will care about how my high output limits me from doing certain things. But if we "connect" I think we could work through that too.

What I really am not looking forward to is those awkward first or second dates where I have to explain my whole story. To be honest, I'm sick of hearing myself tell it. Whether she bolts after hearing it or stays isn't all that important because if she runs for the hills she's doing both of us a favor. If she stays, I realize it might only be temporary until she understands the full gravity of the situation. And I still won't be mad if she then runs screaming for her momma. But I'm getting off track here.........I'm talking about the "other" site. So is that site working for you folks who want to date ostomates? How do you overcome the distance problem.....that would seem to be a deal breaker for most relationships. So if it's working for you, please let me know. I really don't want to waste my time reaching out to folks if it's pointless.

Thanks,

Bob

Hello Bob. You raise several interesting concepts within your post and I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND i have any definitive answers. However, I would like to proffer the suggestion that nothing is really ever a complete waste of time as we learn from experience and those experiences colour and guide our decisions for the future. In your case, these experiences may well be very useful to communicate to others who may not wish to go down that route without someone else having travelled it before them. 

Good luck on your travels within the WWW and I hope you find what you are looking for.

Best wishes

Bill

If we're specifically talking about that other site, I wonder how many of those profiles are real?

But since I have no intentions of dating someone across the globe and limit my search within 50km around my town, that site is pretty much of no use to me. I feel Americans don't have such issues with dating someone on the other coast side?

Hello Bob! I think we have talked before! I am getting off 5 dating sites! I have a permanent colostomy due to rectal cancer! I have dated around 30 women! 4 have lived with me for a couple of months! They accepted my colostomy! I didn't bother telling them unless there was chemistry! You can't tell I'm wearing the bag! Don't eat anything gassy on the day of the date! I am intimate! There are a lot of lonely single people out there! I was one of them until I joined the dating sites! POF is a good dating site! Hope I have helped! Have fun!

I was thinking more about the match etc. type sites for myself when (or if) I get back into dating. I'll be an empty nester within a year and I'm sure the idea will be more attractive then.

I'm sure if you put that you're an ostomate in your profile, you won't even get the odd tire kicker. It's not that it's bad, but at my age, who wants to take that nonsense on? Now the idea of waiting until something clicks makes sense.

My output is still not really under control, and I've found myself second-guessing some outings because the opportunity to drain my pouch is non-existent given my current frequency. So if I don't do outings, then dating is definitely not on deck.

Between the baggage of my divorce and my pouch (pun intended), dating isn't a priority yet.

I do want to hear how things go for you guys though.

Dave

30 years of living with a stoma, dating's never been a problem. It all comes down to confidence. You're the expert, you have to support and make your new partner feel relaxed about it.

I'm single by choice now. I'm the problem, nothing to do with having an ostomy.

I have a jejunostomy. They have the highest output of all the stomas, so doctors and nurses tell me. But that's still not an issue for me, never got in the way.

If I was looking to date, I wouldn't just look for someone who has an ostomy. If I did meet one, it wouldn't be a problem.

I've always been open and told anyone straight away that I had an ostomy. In my younger days, there may have been a few occasions I never got the chance to tell them first, but that's another story lol.

I know how you feel about telling anyone about what and why you've had it done. It sends me to sleep myself just thinking about it. I always say I should make a recording of it so I can play that for them to listen to while I walk away and do something much more interesting lol. Keep it light and fun and use humor. Save the serious stuff for later on.

A long-distance relationship wouldn't work for me. Seeing someone every few weeks or months isn't for me.

I'm set in my ways lol. I know dating sites are the in thing to do now, but I believe in just living your life, getting out there with family and friends, having fun, and you meet someone when it happens.

I find it quite 'amusing' that some certain 'pseudo' ostomy/dating sites still

proactively show pics of some 'past' members.

It seems to me lots of ostomy owners need to get a grip and move on with

the new you as best as you can, while you still can, no point moaning later, none.

Hiya Honestabe, hope ur well.

Tc

S

I agree with Honest Abe. I have no problems dating. My stoma is under control, knock on wood, and it does not prevent me from having a full life. I don't feel I have to tell anyone anything unless there is chemistry; and even then, I have been intimate a few times where my partner never knew I had a bag. It's about confidence, I have the opposite attitude. This is not leprosy, and it is not contagious, and it is nobody's damn business until I decide when and if I choose to tell anyone. And, when I tell anyone, I do not allow anyone to bother with it because I don't bother with it. Do not make a deal where there is none. You have to live with this, nobody else; it is nobody's business but yours, keep it that way. If you act like it does not matter, she will act accordingly.

This is a distraction from deeper questions that do matter, are you sensitive, caring, warm, drama-free, self-sufficient, comfortable, romantic, funny, a bit charming, etc. etc. etc. etc. Concentrate on this and forget you have this condition; feel like you are such a catch, they have to woo you. Defense never works, offense always wins.

I've read it a couple times now here with people saying that, but how exactly can you be intimate with someone without them even knowing you have a bag? Are you talking beforehand or also during the act? I think I've read in another thread someone said they managed to hide it the entire time.

Hello, I never take my shirt off during intimacy! I am a little overweight! If we're having fun, she shouldn't even think about it anyway! You know what I mean?

I'll work this reply backward.........

Honest.......even if you don't take your shirt off, don't they feel it when you hug and caress? I've hugged folks when I met them in hallways and at work, and some naturally grab your waist when they give you a hug. I can see the expression on their face when they touch my bag.......they don't know what it is, but something in their head says "hmmm...what is that and why is it there". I've got no problem explaining it to folks, just don't see how you could keep a lover from knowing it's there. Hey..........are you a magician??? No, I know......you have a bag shaped like a penis and when she sees it she gets excited thinking you have TWO!! You are one smart guy! I love it.

Withed......yeah.....see what I said above.

Curious.......I'm with ya brother. My problem with what you said is I don't fall into the category of "it does not prevent me from having a full life". My ostomy does prevent me from having a full life, and whomever I date needs to take that into consideration before she develops more serious feelings for me. I don't think it would be fair to get her hopes up of having found a great guy only to be told I can't do this and I can't do that. That's the benefit of dating another ostomate that I see......there's some inherent understanding that doesn't have to be justified or apologized for. I've heard folks on here complain that their dates, once finding out they had an ostomy, disappeared. If that were the case, I wouldn't take it personally, nor would I hold it against them......but that's maybe more a level of maturity thing than anything else. My rule for relationships has always been that if at any time you're not happy in this relationship, just let me know and we can end it like mature adults.....and go our separate ways without getting mad or having all that drama. It's never really happened to me that way, but I'm totally cool with being honest with each other and either of us can leave for any reason at any time. Maybe that attitude is not the norm, but I wouldn't have it any other way. So I fully hear what you're saying, and I agree with it........as long as having an ostomy really doesn't impact you and eventually her. In that case, I think she needs to know so she can be honest with herself and with me.

But keep the conversation going, I'm anxious to hear what others have to say.

Later guys,

Bob

I will agree with Honest Abe about the POF website. (Plenty of Fish in the SEA - was the expression) A long time ago, I was hitting it off with 3, yes three ladies, one out of state and two here in Jersey. I had the time of my life too. There were others I met that we could not take it to the next level for reasons of children or rebounding, finances, distance, but POF you can and should be able to get it on. Now, this was a time PRE-STOMA. I had a nice tummy then. Hmm, 2008??

As for MAO as a dating service? Hmm... since I can't comment too much on what's supposedly "going on behind closed doors here," dating from this site due to being married - ahem, soon to be divorced... I can say this: Several attempts were made to contact several ladies and none but one replied asking what my intentions were. Oh, there was another who moved away from NJ and lives in PA. I mean, most profiles on here say looking for friendship and/or relationship. Yet, I get no replies and some "viewed" me ladies. Again, the married status will affect this... now the status has changed to separated and I need to wait and see.

I really am just interested to meet guys and girls and see how they cope with this damn freaking, smelly, ugly, disgusting bag... Right now, I don't know how comfortable I'd be with an ostomate - intimately... and I don't feel being one is a prerequisite to allow me a guarantee to date them... Nope, just being kind and open and listening is my deal and offering some tips... for the moment.

I may try POF again. Chances are my account is still open but that happens after divorce. I am not a horndog...

For now (10/10/2019), MAO has not been very fruitful even speaking to the ladies, so I give it a thumbs down for being a so-called dating service. To me, it's more of an info service. Great people and advice and wow, there happens to be some hotties... men and women, too. Good luck taking the chance. For now, to me, it's all talk if they reply. Carry on, folks.

Hi warrior,

Thanks for the reply. I'm on POF, but haven't uploaded a pic or filled out the profile yet. But now that I'm getting serious about dating again I'll get 'er done. As for this site........I'd say it's a bit wacked simply because profiles aren't dated and you're probably trying to message someone who's long gone. When you get on here there's all those pics of members. I've clicked on a bunch, read the profiles and even sent some messages to some because it sounded like I could answer a question or was in a similar situation. Then I'd read their posts and realize these folks hadn't posted on here in years. What a waste of my time. So now I read the profiles but won't message anymore. And as for dating on here there's no one that lives close enough...........and I'm not interested in a long distance relationship. I did check out the other ostomy dating site and that seems to be where the action is regarding ostomate dating. Still don't know if it makes sense to date another ostomate........but will continue to ponder.......and listen to what folks say on here. Now where did I put my fishing pole and hip waders.........................

Regards,

Bob

Bob,

I had some luck with POF back when I dated, but as a free site, the folks on it aren't always really invested in meeting people.

I'd say go Match or, better yet, eHarmony. The more expensive the service, the more likely that the folks on it are serious about meeting someone.

Dave

Tinder has been the most successful in terms of the number of dates for me. Although, I met my last girlfriend on an app called Happypancake. I'm just not fond of dating sites where both parties have to have a subscription in order to connect. Most are rather scummy, where they don't even tell if the other person is able to contact you back, and then offer a premium subscription on top of a regular subscription so free members can contact you.

I don't mind paying for Tinder Gold just so you can have a more reactive approach instead of endlessly swiping for others to match you. This can happen a week or so later, in which case I often can't remember why I swiped that person. Oops. I'd rather match instantly so the interest is still as fresh as can be.

Happypancake is totally free, but depending on your location, there may or may not be many active people. But I suppose that doesn't mean anything since even with only a handful of people in my area, I found someone with whom I spent 6 months until we broke up again.

Withed,

I checked out Happypancake, despite the odd name. It's in some weird language, so I couldn't read the homepage. Something tells me those girls won't understand a word I say. (SMILE) But I'm glad it works for you. I've been on and off Match.com in the past and met some nice women, just not Mrs. Right. I live in a fairly rural area, so even on Match there aren't that many women close to me. It does appear that the hot dating site here in the US right now is Plenty of Fish. Maybe we should rename this ostomate site as "Plenty of Fish with a Hole in Their Belly".

Ya just gotta keep it light... if you let stuff bother you, you'll go nuts. Have fun.

Bob

Hey Bob,

The app originates from Sweden and the site apparently opens up to the Swedish main website. I tried Googling but I don't think it's spread that far yet and only seems to have a Swedish and Dutch site. How unfortunate.

Well, as Mae West said to W.C. Fields in "My Little Chickadee," "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Xerxes

W.C. Fields? Is that the Chocolate Chip cookie manufacturer? No wait...........that's Mrs. Fields.....probably his wife!

;O)

Bob

The Osto Date site was a good recommendation, Bob. Or was it Honest Abe? Hee hee... I just wish they narrowed it down state by state. I think the number of people with pictures is more accurate and active than the people being shown to me here on MOA. True, some people from here are on that other site, which means they are still out here and active. But I agree, this MOA site should require dating posts. Like I said before, I ain't here for the grind, but for the info. But I was curious about the Osto Date site. It needs improving though. Their profile mentions nothing much about the bag issues. It's more geared for dating, which is cool. Thumbs up to them.

F

Morning Bob, your reply was interesting! Got to answer before girlfriend arrives! Sounds like you don't like your stoma! Love mine! Saved my life! When intimate, will tell her and always accept it! Maybe we have other things on our minds! If no chemistry, why tell them! Maybe it's the older generation! We have other things to be concerned about! Anyway, good luck! Lot of lonely people out here; that could care less about a little bag on stomach!

Honest........your point is well taken. I hear ya. You're right about the stoma, I do hate mine. But I'm not mad at it specifically, I more so hate the fact that this whole ostomy thing happened to me. I've been dealing with Crohn's since I was 25, but up to the ostomy thing was pretty happy with my life. And truth be told, as much as I hate the whole ostomy thing I wouldn't hate it nearly as much if I wasn't short gutted. THAT's the thing that I really hate. So you're right, I shouldn't take my rage out on my stoma, it's making my life at least livable, if not as enjoyable as it used to be. I, like many on here, love your attitude. You are right on point! Thanks for that!!

Regards,

Bob

Bob, how do you wear your bag horizontally or vertically? I wear mine horizontally and when people hug me, I often keep one arm down near my side to prevent them from hitting the area.. so it is protected.. I don't know how that will work on the motorcycle though.. "what's the squishy thing I feel". But my point is protecting it the way I do gives me an edge.

Also, have you ever come across a person, usually a guy friend, who doesn't know about your bag and you're talking face to face with him.. then he goes with a finger and hits your belly like to get your attention? I mean it's a touch touch moment.. people do this all the time. What I don't like is if people know about the bag.. and still touch me in that area..

As a person with a hearing aid in my right ear, I often get people talking directly into my left. That's what I am talking about. Or they try to whisper in my left ear. That sucker (the ear) is dead. So what do I do, I lean in. (Picture that for a moment)

It's just stupid shit. Hugs are good. Just know how to protect the area. Nothing wrong with keeping an arm down or along your stoma side. Just hate it when people have to tap/touch that area to get my attention.

Also, re: hug types, if you wanna analyze this. The pull-in hug and bend-in hug. Vertically speaking, I have no trouble with either. And you say.....

I guess I should be happy that I live in an area where we don't do many of those typical American hugs whenever you meet up with people. Typically, people can't feel my bag unless they hug from behind.

I have no issues with my bag riding my motorcycle. Not on my chopper where I sit upright or my sportbike where I lean over. For the record, I wear my bag vertically. Horizontally would just pull the bag down whenever it gets half full or more. It would also make it awkward to empty.

Hi Withed,

I'm glad you commented on riding your bikes. I've been tempted to pull out my KTM 500MX and do some hot laps around my pasture........but not being able to wear a kidney belt would take its toll. A streetbike might be better. I've considered getting an XR650R, but haven't pulled the trigger. With my stoma being lopsided and at skin level on the rightmost side, I suspect it won't tolerate the sportbike bent over riding position for very long, but a more traditional upright style might be ok. Now I can easily empty my bag while driving my SUV without any problems.....but doing that on a bike will certainly be a neat trick. Maybe "neat" isn't the right word, as it might end up being a bit messy. But I might have to go out to the shed and pull that KTM out right now......it's a perfect day to roost through some grass and chase the horses a bit!

Later,

Bob

Hey Bob. Not sure what skin level means. Mine is about an inch below my bellybutton on my right side.
I've ridden 2500 miles in a couple of days without issues on my sportsbike. My seat allows me quite some room so I'm never squished against the tank. Not even when I tuck in for some top speed action.
I feel that an upright position is worse as you tend to sag after a while, while on a sportsbike your stomach remains more flat due to the more leaning position.
Perhaps it's better to make a separate topic to discuss motorcycles and what comes with riding them wearing a bag.

Just curious, why do you wear your appliance horizontally?

Xerxes

Why do I wear it horizontally? For me, having it hang just feels very awkward and inviting to a problem. I'd rather have it closer to me, so I can bend and feel much more confident walking or doing anything else for that matter. Only time I wear it vertically is when going to bed because that proves to be safer against blowouts. The wrap I use keeps the bag close to me and I like that confident feeling. I don't use belts, I use wraps. I have no complaints this way. Having it swing vertically is so annoying. And get this, how can I dress to hide it when it's down like that? Yeah, horizontally improves the dressing image. Wear low-cut pants and no one knows anything about it. How about you Xerxes? Which way do you do yours?

Hi guys,

Mine hangs a little to the left. Oh wait, you're asking about my bag... Oops... Forget I said that.

I wear my bag vertically. My output is too liquidy to allow it to be in contact with my stoma and barrier ring all the time, but would probably wear it horizontally if my output was firmer and more solid. I haven't got a wrap yet, but plan to shortly.

Regards,

Bob