MY WIFE’S TASTE IN MEN did not please my father-in-law. He got revenge by teaching me how to play golf. We would drive a little north of Tallahassee to a town called Havana, pronounced Hay-van-ah by the primitive locals. There was a nine-hole course there and he let me use some of his extra clubs. Once in a while we’d drive a little further and play on an equally nondescript golf course. I finally broke 100, ironically on a course with very narrow fairways.
“Golf is a good walk spoiled,” said Mark Twain. Eventually, I came to believe it ought to be at least a misdemeanor. To play the game, one holds onto a grip at the top of a shaft and swings the club so as to strike a little round ball with a small, variously angled head of either iron or wood. This causes the ball to fly off down the golf course. One usually plays with a partner or group so that someone else can watch your ball in flight and tell you which clump of trees or rough it landed in.
When I was living in central Florida, I got involved in a matter that required some travel. My companion and I would throw our golf clubs into the trunk and after completing our work, look for a course to play a round of golf on the way home. We were equally inept golfers, though I managed to slough off the frustrations of the game better than he did. He would pound his club against a tree on occasion. Once he threw a perfectly good iron into a ravine next to the rough from which he was having difficulty extracting his ball.
Eventually, my golfing ability peaked at a point where I realized that, in order to minimize the extent of my frustrations with the sport, I would have to play at least three times a week. The cost in time and money was too much so I called it quits. Despite the pronouncement of Chi Chi Rodriguez that “golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off,” I prefer to think that commendation ought to be reserved for telling lawyer jokes.
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Ostomy Memories of Golf
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