Seeking advice on coping with post-surgery stress and depression

Since my permanent ileostomy surgery in Oct/18, I find I have a real hard time dealing with stress, leading to depression. I never had this problem before surgery, but the cause of the stress/depression is not related (directly) to ileostomy concerns. I just find now, after surgery, stress hits me way harder and I have a hard time dealing with it, causing depression.

Has anybody else experienced this, and what are some ways to deal with stress better since surgeries? All responses are much appreciated, and thanks in advance.

Yes, the surgery and stoma mess with your mind. I was angry and mad for a while. Doc sent me for counseling. Once you realize where it is coming from, it is easier to deal with. Certainly take counseling if it is available to you. You are stronger than stress or depression.

Hello thelesperance.

I agree with xnine. It is quite 'normal' to have this sort of psychological experience after surgery, and it is important to try to understand it so that you can deal with it more effectively. My comments below assume that you have checked to ascertain if there is anything at all physical amiss after the surgery:(It can throw all sorts of things out of balance) 

My own perception of it involves likening it to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Sometimes it'll sort itself out and sometimes it won't without external help.  The condition is well known, documented and can be treated effectively if you get the appropriate help/counselling.  You say that you don't feel it's directly related to ileostomy concerns. However, it could just as well be directly related to the physical trauma of the operation and not so much due to the potential concerns afterwards. Some women go through a similar thing with post-natal depression and it plays similar havoc with  one's mental state. I would concur with xnine and say that if you can get yourself referred to a good (specialist)  psychologist / counsellor you might get the help you need. Research has shown that the sooner people with this condition get help, the better the prognosis. 

I wish you well, as this can be quite debilitating until it is sorted.

Best wishes

Bill 

I guess the big question is where is your stress coming from and what can you do to alleviate it as much as possible. I'm expecting no answer to that as it's a personal thing but if you know the root cause, that's where you have to start.

Hi

I personally think the above posts have given you the best advice and feel it would be beneficial to seek expert support/advice. Please reach out to us anytime even if it's to vent anger/shoulder to lean on. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved. Good luck and let us know how you are getting on xxy

Hello thelesperance.
Notwithstanding my previous reply to your post , I have been fishing around my past rhymes to try to find some appropriate ones to share for this scenario.
My choice was between the many rhymes that focussed upon depression and/or those that dealt with PTSD. On this occasion I think that the PTSD ones might be more relevant.
These rhymes were written for people who had a different cause of their stress and depression. Nonetheless, there might be something within the messages that you could benefit from.
Best wishes
Bill

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Is an emotional marauder.
It intrudes upon your life.
Giving you emotional strife.

A major trauma’s stress it brings.
Or mounting up of minor things.
Unresolved accumulation.
Stressful, mindful mutilation.

It’s when your mind takes a big knock.
As earthquake and it’s aftershock.
Knocking you from your momentum.
Disturbing equilibrium.

This stress’s notoriety.
Is causing great anxiety.
Amazing what a kick it packs.
Both trauma and its own flashbacks.

Post-trauma’s instability.
Shakes up your ability.
After such an incidence.
You start to lose your confidence.

Your perception starts to alter.
Your whole life begins to falter.
It isn’t just the helplessness.
What gets you is the hopelessness.

Your mind just goes all round the place.
You’re in a world that you can’t face.
You focus on the negatives.
And fill yourself with sedatives.

You need to understand these things.
And all the problems that it brings.
Then you need to work it through.
‘Till it no longer bothers you.

This is true, ask anyone.
But it’s easier said than done!

                                    B. Withers 2012
                                                   (p220)

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER 2.

How is it affecting me?
This thing they call P.T.S.D.
My mind is working overtime.
But still it’s sinking in quicklime.

In fast forward, stuck in gear.
If I shout, no one will hear.
This stress is never audible.
And certainly not laudable.

The aftershocks of mindful stress.
This causes me the most distress.
They spring up when I’m unaware.
It makes this thing seem so unfair.

The thing that makes me most annoyed.
Is when it makes me paranoid.
There is no one that I can trust.
It’s like my friendship bank’s gone bust.

From everyone I might be harmed.
Unless somehow they are disarmed.
This does not help as in the end.
I’m losing every single friend.

Black clouds of great immensity.
Make way for animosity.
All this bitterness or course.
Can be a most destructive force.

Though from post-trauma it has grown.
It gains a power of its own.
You no longer have companionships.
For it destroys relationships.

I’ve told you what post-trauma means.
As a painter paints his scenes.
And I hope by doing this.
I can come back from this abyss.

                                       B. Withers 2012

                                                     (p221)

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER 3.

After trauma there’s some time.
When you don’t feel in your prime.
When you have taken a big knock.
There’s bound to be an aftershock.

Trauma does not show respect.
Its affects will resurrect.
It takes you back into your past.
And so the trauma die is cast.

It repeats time and again.
Regurgitating all that pain.
It doesn’t seem to go away.
So it stays with you every day.

You feel okay and then you find.
Your confidence is undermined.
The flashbacks from the trauma pain.
All come flooding back again.

Everything is black and white.
When you’re feeling so uptight.
With everyone you will find fault.
For everyone is an assault.

Your actions are foreseeable.
And very disagreeable.
As you become inflexible.
The damage’s inestimable.

It’s more likely you’ll succumb.
The more dogmatic you become.
For there’s no doubt rigidity.
Undermines validity.

After trauma you should relax.
Let your inner strengths climax.
Move from the traumas and in lieu.
Try some things entirely new.

                                     B. Withers 2012

                                            (p223

In: A Thesis on Constructive Conversations Inversed 2012 )

I suffer from that disability too sometimes and a loss of energy. After my first surgery, three or four telephone calls would leave me exhausted. Unfortunately, psychoanalysis of the kind advised here works best in developed countries, where I am. Philosophy like that offered by the wise man who lives on the top of the mountain works better. I will talk to my Guru and share his advice with you. Best wishes.

Hi Lesperance, what you are going through is grieving, and there are stages, usually starting with "why me," then frustration/anger, and hopefully acceptance where you manage your ostomy like it's an everyday part of life. Good luck.

Lesperance, you use the word and phrase "stress" without really saying what "stress" is. Do you mean being upset over a situation you cannot control? You have an obvious alteration of body image and changes in normal body function. Is that stress? I feel, no, it is not. Accept the changes and move on to the next obstacle life presents you with. If you want to spend thousands retalking and retalking about your stress, that is your choice, not mine. Why make therapists rich? Spend the money and time doing something you love to complete, not making others rich. Pick a simple achievable goal and complete it. Then think back often on your accomplishment! Then pick another simple, harder achievable goal and complete it. Then recall how you achieved that goal. Take hiking, for example, or swimming. Hike a block, then 1/2 mile, then further. If you don't succeed, rest up, then start again.

Don't pay the therapist, but buy good hiking shoes, for example.

do382818

Mostly great advice here. I was "shell-shocked" in my late 50's, and looking back, wow, was I depressed! As for adjustments, read on:

I'm 65, now 7 years w/ colostomy. Didn't even join here until this year.
I haven't written about it here, but my family rejected me post colostomy. My marriage (then 37 1/2 yrs) ultimately broke up; but worse, my oldest daughter was crazy, uninformed. She wouldn't let my grandchildren hug me because she said I would "smell." I didn't smell; then, don't now. (I've had incredible luck w/ the Convatec supplies I use. No blowouts, a handful of leaks over the years. Maybe the universe making up for that part of my family!)

I'm fine now, after some therapy, but also after gradually realizing how much healthier I am, and BEST: "losing" that part of my family (tragic, I know, took years to sink in and accept) that refused to be enlightened about this very common situation. My present friends (and plenty of past friends, plus my amazing other family) must know about my colostomy, must accept me and my colostomy (gas noises, bathroom visits to empty, etc.), or they can't be in my life.

Appreciate all the good you have (I hope there's some!) You'll progress. Again, get therapy if you need it, as opposed to going deep down the rabbit hole of depression. There's an amazing group of people here for support. The very best to you, my prayers.

I'd say since you're recently post-surgery, it's natural to have the feelings of "why me" and all of that. Definitely take advantage of some therapy as it will help you to discuss and explore your feelings. Also, know you're not alone. It helps me to know that.

I think some of us are a little confused. I believe he's had his ostomy done in 2018, so it's not very recent. I also believe having an ostomy isn't the stress point, but since having the ostomy, he gets stressed/depressed very easily. So, I think the real question is...does having an ostomy somehow create more stress/depression more so than not having an ostomy. Or, I read the original post all wrong and I'll go hide in the corner now. ‍

I guess for me any ostomy younger than 40 years is relatively new...

It takes some people longer than others to come to terms with the whole experience of having the ostomy in the first place. To begin with, there is the loss of autonomy - someone or something else is taking over and making decisions about your body - which is something many of us struggled with when we first got our ostomies. Some people went into surgery and came out with the ostomy with no warning or discussion or permissions. At least I had one evening to come to terms with it before it happened. Then there is the feeling that your body - your most intimate self - has betrayed you, leaving you angry and fearful of what else will fail next. There is the shattering of your self-image as a strong, healthy, whole person (which is something many people on this site have expressed, even years after their ostomy surgery). There is the worry that you may never again be the person you were before, leading to anger, fatigue, and (yes) stress and depression.

If you have a close friend/spouse/significant other, that can help enormously in getting past that point. If you don't, and are trying to battle this alone, please take the advice and find a trusted professional to help. If you can get to the point where you can accept this as a "new normal" part of yourself, your stress and your depression will lessen.

In point of fact, as we get older, we are all going to have to learn to deal with things we didn't have to when we were younger. For you and me, it's a colostomy. For my (younger) sister, it was crippling arthritis and a hip replacement at only 63! My brother passed away earlier this year at only age 66, because he refused to go to a doctor after a cut hand got infected and he treated it with aspirin. We all know someone in better shape than we are - and we all know someone in worse shape. But it is something we all have to come to terms with, not just us, but everybody.

Good luck, and I hope that by next year this time you will have a better Christmas post because you are doing much better than right now.

Hopefully I don't make you more depressed by my response, but your question struck a nerve in me. I've had a permanent ileostomy since 2008, when I got it at about age 36. It was very difficult for me for years in terms of being self-conscious about my physical appearance now, for instance while intimate. Not to mention this was a time that I was just starting to establish a good balance between a job that was going well, a social life that was going well, and plenty of future ahead. I won't say that I've become that much more resilient as a result, it's probably more that I've just avoided playing the relationship game for the most part since the operation. I'm guessing that's one of your main concerns, how it will be when intimate. I wish I could give you an encouraging answer, but seeing as I more or less quit the game after getting my ileostomy, I can only really provide support as another of us who were backstabbed by UC or Crohn's.

G.

Hi. I understand 100% how you are feeling. I got an ileostomy in 10/2010, basically 11 years ago. Since the initial ileostomy, I've had a complete colectomy with the rectum removed as well. So there's no going back. I've really hated it from day one. I would like to say it gets better, but that's only marginally true. I was 53 at the time. I gave up on romance altogether. I couldn't stand the sight of the thing, so how could I ever let anyone else see it! Forget being intimate. I'm afraid of being touched. I was never like this pre-ostomy. I really feel for you being so young. You're 36. I'm now 64. You're too young to give up on romance. I really think unaffected females will be receptive to a male regardless of an ostomy if he excels in other matters of life. The reverse is not true. Blessings, Teresa

Appreciate all the responses. Still trying to deal, this group is a great resource.

Good question. I think the answer really has to be yes, having an ostomy is something that can and often does increase the incidence of depression; IMHO, and I'd imagine the frustration that often accompanies; having to live one's life in this condition could be considered a direct form of stress. I think; it has to do with a person's social proclivities, and a lot of it depends on one's psychological make-up, but it's tough to argue that those of us with permanent ostomies would probably be happier if we hadn't had to undergo the procedure in the first place and didn't have to; walk around with a plastic bag stuck to our belly.

Some of the posted comments make me depressed. "It's tough to argue that those of us with permanent ostomies would probably be happier if we hadn't had to undergo the procedure in the first place and didn't have to walk around with a plastic bag stuck to our belly." Please delete your post if able.

Thank you

That's a bit rude, don't you think? Asking people to delete their post. Not sure if you are aware, but this site is for everyone to express one's own voice and give people advice and support on their personal journeys and what helped them. What makes you feel that your post is the only one people should read??

Who are you referring to as I would never dream to ask someone to delete their post?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I wish to talk openly about their experiences and journey, so why should you have to delete a post because someone takes offense to it? Others do not, as they only know everyone's story is different. How we arrived in this boat, the majority of survivors are interested in the variety of it all, not a one-track boring sob story like yours. Or are you so thick-skinned that you think it's too degrading having to change just one bag a day and carry it around with you? Why me? Why not? Shit happens, but most people I've met on here are upbeat, love life, and are glad to have a bag or two in exchange for life! Selfish, self-centered comes to mind! Have a good day if you can try!

If you do not like something, just skip it. Enough ragging on people. Just skip it.

I am a new member. Why should someone delete their post because it makes you depressed? Everyone in a forum such as this should have the right to say what they feel they need to. And, we do walk around with a plastic bag stuck to us.

My niece is a nurse in the community and does home care. She and I are very close. When she knew of my operation and having 2 bags, she knew I would be down and depressed, which I was. Not to mention, my partner was dying from pancreatic cancer at the same time. Well, when I managed to get back home, she told me of one of her patients who is an ostomate and he is blind and only in his 40s. It soon brought home how lucky I was to be alive. Being an ostomate and blind, I could not imagine. Not sure I could live that life? Be grateful for what you have.

So true. There is always someone worse off. I am grateful.

I too have had bouts of depression since getting my ostomy. Reach out any time if you just want to talk. Hugs

Why would anyone not be depressed? Just thinking back I remember the following:
My friend says, “Ya know John’s father has a bag he poops into”.
I answered, “That would never be me. I couldn’t live like that”.
The doctor said, “You have a pretty big tumor in your colon and I think it’s cancerous”. The Oncologist said, “Yup, it’s cancer and BTY, during the X-ray your colon tumer was hiding the bladder tumor. That’s cancerous also”. I said, “Oh”. The technician said, “The reason your anus hurts so much is because it’s burned from the 28 radiation sessions”. The Oncologist’s nurse said, “The reason you feel so rotten from the 5FU chemo is ‘cause that how it makes most folks feel. Why do you think they call it ‘FU’?” I said, “FU” very quietly. After surgery to remove the bladder and colon tumors and reconnect the to colon to the badly damaged (from radiation) rectum the Dr said, You have a stricture but you’re connected. Let’s just see”. I said, “Wow, I need to find out what a stricture is”. About two years later, after spending many hours every day on the toilet, taking pain relievers which didn’t eliminate the pain, more bladder surgery then treatment for some kind of bladder cancer, my surgeons agreed with each other that they couldn’t let me continue this way. I think they gave me a throat exam through my butt and decided I was going back in surgery for an ostomy. I was speechless trying to figure out how he got his hand in his pocket with a three foot long finger; or was it his thumb?
That all started almost twelve years ago. During that period I got the Pneumona, Flu and Shingles shots. During that period I got Pneumonia and Shingles so I guess those shots worked. I could go on but I don’t want to get depressed.
Now, for the good part. My stoma is around nine years old and works just great. I haven’t named it because I’m not sure it’s considered “documented”. I’m 81 years old, cancer free for all those nine years and I do mostly all the things I did before all this crap started. I think my short game is even better than before.
Relatively thinking, because all things are relative, it’s all good.
Respectfully,
Mike
PS: I believe there’s better therapy from folks here than those in private practices.

Thanks, Mike. I think there is great therapy from folks here also. Hugs

What a great writer you are. I've written a few about PTSD. I had it before surgeries but it's gotten worse since. Your words hit deep and true. Therapy only helps a little bit so far. I've pushed away everyone when all I really want is someone to pull me close. To actually understand what's happened to me physically and mentally.