Tips for Sparking Conversations and Making New Friends

Hey Osty Friends. So I am an African American woman from PA, USA. I am, I guess, you would say new to this (April 2021) and I am social with my circle, which I never thought I would be so open and honest even though with my friends, but hey, they know this saved me (radiation from Anal Cancer Treatment burnt my colon) so it is what it is. I am separated (he couldn't handle it and I don't hate him, he tried, I tried, we tried) lol I'm sure I'm not the only one with that tale. Now I am not in a rush to do that again BUT I am afraid to even put myself out there. So I was thinking let's give each other successful "tips" on how to spark that conversation. Even in a new friendship...

Sorry, you have to deal with this. My story is pretty similar. My wife of 34 years left me while I was fighting prostate and bladder cancer. She said she had 20 to 30 good years in her and I don't, so she left for someone else that was healthy. Luckily, I did find a very accepting woman. When we started dating, I thought I was going to beat the cancer without losing my bladder, but it wasn't meant to be. I had the prostate and bladder removed last month. My girlfriend could have run, but she just said we'll figure it out. Stay positive and keep moving forward.

Hi Chaney,

I cannot say that I'm in the same boat as you since I'm married, and I had friends prior to my ostomy surgery. But I can say that I will pray for you, that you may find that special someone. God bless!

Hi Chaney, welcome to the site. I've been married for 48 years, so I don't have the dating problem. But the positive attitude you seem to have and a good circle of friends should work out for you.

I've had my ileostomy since my early 20s. Now I'm past it in my 50s, lol. I never really had a problem myself with new relationships. It even seemed to turn some on in my younger days, especially if they thought they were my first one since surgery. Lol. I just come straight out and tell them as I see it, 'take me as I am or watch me as I go.' Yes, if you get turned down, you will feel sorry for yourself for a few days, just as you would pre-stoma days, but you soon get over it.

1 Life, live it. You deserve to be happy like everyone else. Don't lock yourself away. Get out there and live life to the full. For everyone 1 that turns you down, there are another 99 saying that's the one I want!

Hiya Chaney and welcome to the group! I tend to be very open about my ileostomy, and I'm with Ben (above), as I agree that it needs to be brought up right in the beginning--as you don't want to get attached to someone and then they find out about your ostomy and they head for the hills. It's better to be upfront right in the beginning so that you are able to judge the reaction of the other person and that way it gives you both a chance to continue or discontinue the "relationship". Anytime you want to chat, please feel free to reach out :)

Hi Chaney! I'm so glad you wrote about this since it's something that lots of us deal with. I was sure that I'd never be in a relationship when I got my ileostomy. Like, who wants to look at that. Not the sexiest thing in the world. But, when I wasn't looking, a relationship happened with the "right" guy. I was surprised that it was a non-issue with him. Very pleasantly surprised. So, my thinking on the whole thing is that the more you are comfortable with things, the more someone else will too. Hang in there!

I agree with most of the comments here that you need to talk about your situation at the beginning as soon as you think the guy is worth telling your story to. Being positive and secure about yourself is one of the sexiest ways you can be. If the guy doesn't accept your situation, he's not worth it.

Good luck.

I feel exactly the same!! I have isolated myself the last few years now as all I'm worried about is my bag when surrounded by new people. I live in Australia but would love to chat if you would like to - maybe we can help each other

You are far more than your ostomy. It is just a small hole in your tummy. Pick up hobbies that allow you to socialize with others, make yourself interesting, listen to the wonderful stories others have to tell. Smile, go to a music festival, join a dance class, volunteer. Take your time getting to know others. Seek people with kind, loving hearts.

Your time and life are valuable. Do not waste it on people who make you miserable.

How true!