It's all coming back to me......

Hi all. I'm going through an interesting time and am wondering if anyone can relate. I know most of us still carry a lot of the trauma caused by our health-related experiences. I know I do, but I've been fortunate to be able to put it aside and be there for my friends and family through their medical challenges. I've visited them in the hospital and volunteered in my local one for six years, able to do what I needed to do. Now, my wonderful mother-in-law is in the hospital and, as I spend time with her in her room, in the hallway, seeing her not at the top of her game and needing someone to interpret nurses, doctors and case managers, a lot is coming back to me that I had forgotten: the heparin shots, the bathroom, the being tethered to the IV, the needing to wait for a nurse to disconnect the IV temporarily so that a messy gown with no shoulder snaps can be changed (why don't they all have shoulder snaps like Chippendale's pants?!) It all hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday and I had to find a quiet nook down the hall to gather myself. It didn't help that my husband and I stopped off at her apartment on the way home to fix her printer and being there without her, seeing her slippers near the bed, brought back memories of being in my mom's house after she passed away. Thanks for listening. xoxo

Hey, I have ptsd, most of it from medical trauma. Most of what was done to me was truly to save my life but my body remembers what happened. I had fought so hard a couple times I was in/out consciousness which I was told it would've been better if I had just been out so I wouldn't have a lot of the memories. One time they were trying to sedate me to place a vena cava filter. I didn't sedate and they'd given me enough fentanyl for a 300lb man (I'm not a big person) so now I have to be under general anesthesia even for simple procedures. I know my triggers pretty well now...but occasionally something will trigger me completely unexpected even a smell. I didn't realize the word "transplant" for me had become a trigger after my friend had died suddenly, until one day I was at the hospital for an appointment. Just happened to be in a room that had a great view of the helipad. And I asked if that was someone being brought in and the provider said most likely it was a transplant. My friend's heart is living in a beautiful young woman giving her a second chance at life, so I was trying to focus on the good... but when you miss someone you miss someone. Sorry for what your mother in law is going through right now.

BIG BIG HUGS to both you gals

I can't be there for a close friend right now... whos husband is going thru cancer treatments... hits too close to home ...

Awww Sally I'd hug ya right back

Yes, yes, and yes! After my six week stay in the hospital and 14 day stay in rehab from hell....back in the hospital after two months (thought I had blockage so I drank and drank but didn't replace electrolytes...chemicals all unbalanced... dehydration) stayed a week ...out to heal...then over next 8 months elderly mom hospitalized 5 times for a week then in rehab for 5 times for almost a month. Every trip in was like deja Vu.....my stay flew in my face with every visit to her and I was there everyday or every other day...I felt like I was in a twisted version of Ground Hog Day... the Movie. Since she had small bowel obstruction an addition to other things she was in the same hospital, same floor, sometimes same room as I had been in....I was so very worried for her and keeping her calm was hard even with her anxiety meds...I was barely able to care for myself and was handling all her care....my heart hurt so bad for her...I didn't want her to feel alone and scared. Because I spent over 8 weeks alone and scared. PTSD oh yes! When I do sleep I hear the phone ring in my head oh no another emergency...check phone...no calls...Keeping you in my prayers for peace...This too shall pass...it might pass like a kidney stone ouch...but it will pass. Thank you for sharing...When you reached out it reminded me that I'm not alone and we are all venturing down this path together...Some are running, some are doing cartwheels, some are riding, some are walking and some are like me this morning dragging my raggedy duct taped little body along at the best I can but still on the path and moving

We are professional 'Plodder-on-ers' (as someone called us in a previous post). Hugs

Hospitalization, especially one with many medical challenges can leave you emotionally deprived or even emotionally detached, but all the girls here are brave and handled it well. So many hugs for each other, that is nice. Save one for me, I am an orphan.

Merci Beaucoup. I feel better already.

Who knows what 'normal' is, but I sometimes wonder if my reaction to hospitals and the whole atmosphere associated with them, is normal. I've certainly experienced my share of trauma, and when I remember some of the details of my many hospital stays over the past three years, it almost makes me feel sick. Probably the worst, no definitely the worst, was the nine days I spent in a room with three other patients, with the worst obstruction I ever had. This was when I still had my colostomy, pre ileostomy. The obstruction would not clear, and they did not feed me for eight days. I literally looked like I was eight months pregnant. They kept trying to convince me to allow the NG tube, and I kept resisting. They tried to get it down several times, and it just didn't want to go, and I felt like they were trying to kill me. Finally one nurse just forced it down and it was awful. I lived with that for a few days. They finally inserted a tube into my stoma, and pushed on my abdomen to start expelling what was mostly liquid. Over several days, it slowly drained out, and they measured it. They drained eleven litres of liquid from me!They had to keep me in because my potassium level was dangerously low, and I was so nauseous and weak, I could hardly get out of bed.

Now, here's the weird part. I've been back in the hospital a couple times since my last admission, once to visit a friend, and once to pick up some samples,and my reaction?I almost felt a sense of warm familiarity, of comfort and security, like this was the place that took care of me, and that essentially saved my life. It has not caused me to re-live my experiences, or remember the trauma. I do remember how wonderful 'most' of the front-line workers were, with a sense of gratitude. I feel very lucky. Anyone else relate to this, or am I just weird?

Terry

Omg, what you all have been through, so incredibly brave and strong. Terry, all of my experiences visiting in a hospital, having tests done, were exactly as you've described for me, too. That calm, that, "I got this" feeling. That's why this time is catching me offguard!

I have been in a lot recently, partner had back surgery, honestly doesnt bother me ....... that was then, this is now

This is interesting!So, maybe the feelings you are having will visit me at sometime in the future. Delayed PTSD?! The important thing is that whatever we may be feeling, those feelings are valid.

Terry

Hugs to all! I agree with the sensation of being in a safe place...my care and my mom's care have all been excellent at the hospital! The smell of the soap in the dispensers trigger a peace in me immediately...ECOlab brand I think...first thing I always do is wash my hands in the bathroom....even through the fog of my hospitalization I remembered that smell...help was always nearby...and excellent help it was each and everytime...like balm to my soul...my nurses were so compassionate as were my mom's...

Yes!It's nice to realize others have felt the same way. I also remember some of the smells triggering a sort of calming effect. I spent so much time on that ward, I think ten or so separate visits, it was like a second home!

Terry

Hi all ooh the heparin shots, i had a couple dozen the last time i was in the hosp. for resection surgery and was so bruised my wife was scared to hug me when i came home, and when you mentioned you MIL i think back when my MIL passed after battling CLL for eleven years and all the treatmentsand travel for pet scans, i sure miss her and her sense of humor.

Terry, I wrote a whole response earlier today but maybe forgot to hit "submit?" Anyway, I was saying that those feelings may visit you at some point or they may not. I've been thinking a lot about what's been happening and I think I understand what's going on. I think it's so hard for me to see my mother-in-law so helpless and scared. I remember that feeling and I'd do it a hundred times more rather than see someone I love have to go through it. My empathy is on high alert and it's so hard to watch. And she's ninety and declining and I think about what kind of shape I'll be in at that age (although taking care of an ostomy seems easier than taking care of someone who doesn't have one.) Also, I'm having pain issues after my gallbladder removal so I'm feeling more vulnerable than usual. And I'm getting older. This must be a perfect storm for what's culminating in these feelings. I actually feel much better after emotionally sorting this out and, of course, after getting everyone's validation and unconditional love here - that's what you all do. Thank you!

I can totally see how seeing someone you care for go through something you are familiar with, feelings of helplessness, fear and vulnerability, would make you re-live those experiences. I haven't had to deal with that. I hope the post-op gallbladder pain goes away quickly.

Terry

I feel that way also when I return to the hospital - a feeling of grace or peace with my previous experiences. I was in the hospital last week for a bowel obstruction. The last time I had one that required hospitalization was 17 years ago!Luckily, this one resolved within a couple days with lots of pain meds and bowel rest. No hospital experience will ever be as bad as my first one 18 years ago when I had emergency surgery and woke up with an ileostomy.

I am sorry you are all feeling this too. After 2.5 years of near constant medical trauma and fighting for my life, I found myself in a PTSD driven Hyper vigilant state this Autumn. It felt terrible and I ended up uncovering all kinds of awfulness that had been going on behind the scenes in my life for the past 15 years. It is just wild. Sending love to each and every one of you.

I totally understand. Was at the hospital yesterday for a colonoscopy and just the smell of the mask made my heart race. So much trauma from such a long road. I want to volunteer also but am worried I will feel the same way.