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Sat Nov 13, 2010 7:27 pm
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I am going to guess December 11th 2010 for my Daughters Birthday and I am throwing in a timmys coffee and even a doughnut of your choosing... (O:
These are the top 5 issues ostomates face:

1. Dating and relationships
2. Concealing the pouch
3. Foods to eat and avoid
4. Losing or gaining weight
5. Pouch ballooning

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Sun Nov 14, 2010 3:17 pm
After looking at the pic of Winnie I have certainly changed my mind about the blonde as you said Bad. Not only does she have a fine figure but she is also well read!! Wonderful.

But I am a little upset with your snide comments regarding the silverware at Rach's as those days are long gone. I made the terrible mistake of getting caught a couple of years ago and it is no more silverware pilfering for me! All gold jewellery now.

I also notice that people are still trying to muscle in on the prizes. Anyone interested in attaining the riches awarded only has to contact me and I am only too willing to discuss a beneficial (for me) business deal.

Sun Nov 14, 2010 3:58 pm
Well boys - I have been out all day and look what I've missed - Winnie reading and Compton being got at by one of my previous pussies - Bowsie RIP ....

Actually Winnie is the loopy one (though is generally called  Mighty 'cos he is a big fella really), so you may be better wirth the blonde aka Chester .....

As to my silverware - it is all from Ikea so you can have as much of it as you like really as I can replace at tuppence ha'penny at any time!

Gold - not much of that here either, the bit I have I wear .... what I have got most of funnily enough is pet hair everywhere so you can collect all that and knit yourself a nice sweater as it will probably be a bit cold for you both over here and in that Honeymoon Cabin ..... hope you like grey? Also got quite a few spiders under the thatch - my ridge has just been redone (PS this is NOT a euphemism for my recent surgery!!) so I reckon they have all been disturbed and have come in here to get out of the way of trampling feet! Suppose though you are used to spiders and much bigger and nastier ones too!
Sun Nov 14, 2010 4:17 pm
oh hes too cute ill take him just look at that face lol what kind of dog is he i want one either him or a pug lol
Fri Nov 19, 2010 5:28 pm
Free To Good Home

1 Bag Eating Bassett Hound. A tad deaf and only eats Bonios. Likes to run with horses but gets trampled at times because he cant hear them coming.

1 Crazy Pug Dog. Just wind him up and watch him run around the house. Hours of fun for the little ones.

1 Slightly Neurotic Cat. Likes to fall down all the time pretending he is having seizures but really it is just a game. Prefers MEOW Mix and has a slight tendancy to get a tad cranky about taking his medication.

1 Used Groundhog. Great with children but has a tendancy to want to only come out when it is cold. Not well acclimatised to warm environments.

1 Hillbilly Ex Husband. Likes to spend his time around swamps and requires very little attention. Feed him every couple of days and let him run wild.

1 15 Year Old Deaf Tonkanese Cat. Loves to do do nothing because he is too scared to move as he is a bit afraid of the Slightly Neurotic Cat. Gets on well with the Bag Eating Bassett but and can come in a package deal.

Available as individual items or all in one package deal.

Present owner has been institutionalised and these items must move fast.

Please contact.
Mr Lobster
Somewhere In The Bahamas.
Fri Nov 19, 2010 6:51 pm
Dear Mr. Lobster Esq.  It appears that you may not collect your fee from Mr. Kenny as he is divesting himself  of his winnings without compensation. I suggest that you immediately file a claim for his winnings for non-payment. Carpe Diem.
Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:04 am
Mr Badancer I concur with you totally and if I were not under 24 hour watch in this asylum I would not need to purge myself of these, for a better word, animals. They have in their short time with me made my life interesting and full of surprises to say the least.

I know that the esteemed Mr Lobster will do a wonderful job taking care of  these pets who cant hear me, scratch me, have identity crises and wont come out in the middle of the day.

Good luck Mr Lobster this is nothing you dont deserve.


Lunatic Asylum
Somewhere Near My House.
Mon Nov 22, 2010 2:00 pm
Wish I read this posting way back when. I just spent the last twenty minutes laughing my ass off.
Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:47 am
Dear Kenny T,

I will indeed deal with the housing of the, as you put it for want of a bettter word, 'animals' just as soon as myself and the Panamanian police resolve a minor misunderstanding.
Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:01 pm
Oh dear - how come I missed this 'til now????

Have a few days feeling crappy in the bathroom which ends up looking like a scene from the Texas Chain Saw Massacre (filmed in sepia) and you miss the good threads!

As I am apparently a 'shrink' ( ref another thread from Mr Ed Gutenberg) Kenny, you could have come to me ... mind you, I do charge more for my services than that curmudgeonly Mr Lobster, but just like L'Oreal, I am worth it! (ask Mr Ed .... below!)

We could even combine our sessions with the trip to the Honeymoon Cabin? I am sure that the animals could do with a break too ..... Compton has even taken to eating unused ostomy bags, so is obviously having a bad time of it at the moment ..... (I do draw the line though at taking the hillbilly ex husband, unless of course he is a trained zookeeper or Psychiatric Nurse?

Let me know as soon as .....

Rach xx
Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:23 pm
Ah Lobster very fine indeed to hear from you. So sorry to hear you have run into some minor problems in Panama. I have had some enquiries from a gentleman from some organisation by the name of The  Simon Wiesenthal Centre who is trying to catch up with you with regards to one of your valued clients. He says it is just some minor issue and that it would be ok to inform him of your whereabouts. He should catch up with you soon.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your stay in Panama.

See you again sometime I hope.

ps. I will be withholding oustanding monies owing to yourself until further notice from the nice gentleman who is trying to catch you. Sorry catch up with you I meant. Slip of the tongue.

Last edited by KennyT on Tue Nov 23, 2010 3:02 pm; edited 1 time in total
Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:40 pm
Dearest Rach,

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that our proposed trip to the getaway heaven that is the Cabin In The Back Of The Place Nobody Can Remember is off. I have been delayed indefinitely by a little man in a coat and carrying a clipboard with him constantly. He has a penchant for locking the door to my hotel room and since I have been here I have been unable to do any sightseeing at all.
I really am sorry about all this and I will attempt to make up for it as soon as I can stop these people here tying me down to my hotel bed.

See you again Rach.
Wed Nov 24, 2010 7:38 am
My hiccup with the Panamanians has been resolved relatively amicably. Fortuitously some old clients of mine who work for a company called Cartel, they are international exporters of a wonderful product called Bolivian Marching Powder, thoroughlty recommend the gear, and they had a word with the Chief Superintendent and it turned out the paperwork was not in order so the Chief very kindly shredded it.

I am currently staying in a lovely villa called Casa Segura and will be in touch to finalise the animal matters.

By the way Kenny, a chap stopped by this morning and said he was a friend of yours and trying to get in touch with one of my old clients. He seemed a jolly decent chap and was over joyed when I gave him the address. Is he a friend of my client and they lost touch? He couldn't wait to get in the taxi and pop round there. As my client is getting on I did the decent and gave him a call to tell him was going to have a visitor so he could get ready and put the kettle on.
Thu Nov 25, 2010 5:20 pm
Rach, I always wanted to be  psych nurse we could do a lobotomy on him, wrap him in a strait jacket give im ice cold baths do electric shock therapy ohh i'm so excited the list goes on and on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please can I help???
Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:33 pm
Of course you can my lovely - my training was in Leaning Disabilites so did quite a lot of pyschiatric stuff .....

I did once participate in a cople of sessions of ECT - noit very pleasant really - think it would have bee more fun if they had done in a much more relaxing place like a swiming pool or something - could maybe try that eh?

Come over for coffee and we can discuss it!

Rach xxxxx
Thu Nov 25, 2010 9:13 pm
RachI gotta tell you I take umbrage at the photo as at the time I was in the middle of surgery and the lying bas#@%&S told me it was to have my tonsils taken out and I was a young, vibrant colt at the time and thought it strange they kept away from mouth, and me so happy with my great set of teeth, shortly after I was released from that awful contraption I was hit with this pain in the rear end, man oh man I had to run like hell to cool things down a bit. Once I figured out what they done to me I managed to step on the farmers' foot twice and knocked #@ er knocked down his wife who landed in the water trough and all the while I was slipping bran in their cereal and managed to break a hinge on the out house door and for my loss, which I'm still teased about, hell, I never even heard of the word castration, but man, do I ever understand Revenge, Heeeeeeee hawwwwww, Ed, my typist is getting too expensive, maybe the esteemed Barrister Mr Lobster will consider taking me on as a client for a couple of dried out nuts, Ed
Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:47 am
If you really want to help me out in any way whatsoever you two lovely ladies that is fine with me. You just need to ring the man who sits behind the wire cage at the front door to my holiday hotel. If you show him some ID he will gladly let you in but you have to leave your bags and any sharp objects with him. Apparently they are worried about you falling over and hurting yourself in the hotel.

When you get here can you please ask the man with the coat on if I he can please stop the people talking to me all the time. It annoys me because they hide and when I talk to them the man in the coat comes in and gets cranky with me. I don't want to ask him anymore.

Sat Dec 04, 2010 12:54 pm
I have found a solution for those of you who do not have a map to the honeymoon vacation cabin. A young man in West Virginia will convert it into a mobile unit and you can use it wherever you want. The outhouse is connected with a tow hitch. Enjoy!

Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:52 pm
That solution would have come in quite handy  Badancer as NOBODY actually has a map to The Honeymoon Cabin In The Back Of The Place Nobody Can Remember, not even MMSH and he can vaguely remember being there himself.

The beautiful Rach and myself searched and searched for the cabin, stopped and asked directions from Sam Drucker at the local store  in Hooterville and even ran into Betty Jo, Bobbie Jo and Billie Jo. Nobody could help us so we had to leave town on the Hooterville express back to Pixley.

Shame about that as we were so looking forward to getaway in a place where there are no people to bug you, literally no people. The lovely Rach was so dissapointed but maybe one day MMSH will remember where this place actually is.


Last edited by KennyT on Sun Dec 05, 2010 2:55 pm; edited 1 time in total
Sat Dec 04, 2010 6:48 pm
Now listen here Mr. BD don't youall go poken no fun et my kin folk,we aint haven nown of at! Iffen ya keep ur up we will have to go possum huntin withen arr long rifles!!! An guess what possum weins will kill and skin first or mabe skin first then kill, can't go an rill up the folks!!!!!!!!
Sat Dec 04, 2010 6:52 pm
That there out house is indoor plumen fo usens!!!! I do swann  Mr. BD my kin would say youall is lower that a snakes belly in a wagon track iffen ya get my drift so to speak!!
Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:51 pm
Now Edie, I thought we was friends and you want to track me down with yer long rifles? Just trying to get some work for yer kin. As you can see there is an extra room for you'll in the attic so don't feel feft out. Snake in a wagon wheel rut? I shudder. You know that I"m from the South too. Can't we just all get along? (whimpering from the scathing southern rebuke)
Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:39 pm
Hey Eddie, hows yo all doin, that transition from you'r lovely self is precious, I can hear it in me head already. Just wanted to point out the disability sign on the side of the mobile home, I think its the side, anyhoo, somebody may need a full time nurse, at double time and a half, no more than a thermometer needed (included) and all meals included, (mmmm a good old possum stuffed with turnip, in a couple of days you'd have complete control, now don't that sound like fun, Ed
Sun Dec 05, 2010 9:17 am
Hey mr. Ed u is a true gentlemans and hav been my friend for a right smart spell, why i'dd go snipe hunten withen you any day rain or shine yes sir rain or shine!! Now moven on to that ther Bad dancer will i'm a firguren he goinna hav ta redeeem hisself sumhow before I can settle the kin down,  I'mma thiken maybe a couple barrels of aged white lighten will do er, mabe arren friend Mr. MMSH can help us out ya can't beat that Kentuck shine why it good ta wet yaur whistle, an fur snake bites!! The onlyess thing hit ain't good fur is dropsey make it worster don't ya no.  Now the kin folks is sorrying I hopen the shine will do it but theys a fruedin bunch, wil see.  Not Mr. Bad Dancer don't ya go lawyerin up on me we skin them lawyern fellas and use em for skunk bait in these parts do't ya no.  I do hav a wonderenst thoo why is you all dressed up in yar burrying suit? I haffta admit ya look mighty fine but it ain't going impress the kin folk none!!!
Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:23 pm
Eddie,you win! When I read your post I couldn't stop laughing, specially about my burrying suit. I concede todays humor award to you and will E-Mail you your jar of white lightining. LOL, Have a good one....Roger
Mon Dec 06, 2010 8:41 pm
Eddie, I done believe yer scared him off, (who wouldn't be) mighty kindly of you badancer to accept defeat so eloquently, of course that's just my opinion, you'all have to let eddie make her own decision, good luck with that one, Ed
Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:42 am
well sir, mr. bd, them was some mighty fine sorrying words ya done spoke an since the still is up an agoin agin the kin is in a rite smart forgiven mood so ien is gona eecept yourn apolagy & square maters! in fact aftern that there jug of shine u sent ta usen we would be proud to go frueden within you all just give us a shout & some time to mold some bullets!! and will be ther!
ya hill friend
Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:27 pm
Mr. Bad Dancer lordy, lordy i do think yourn Christmas hat is a right purty thing looks warm & all you all sure loken fine I think better an yourn burrying suit but i do hava tiny little sugestion ya may wantta shave once in a while yourn ole lady may kick ya otta bed a lookin like that ther, sum wemen like to curl up with any ole critter but us hill wemems is rite petictular about aren mem folks, I sure needs me some help ta stop talken thisa way now, I think i,mm stuck!
Thu Dec 09, 2010 6:57 pm
Cor blimey Eddie - that lot took some readin'!

Rach xxx
Thu Dec 09, 2010 7:42 pm
Eddie, I do believe you're fixin to start a Hatfields & Mcoys with this southern Cal gentleman. The last lady from W.V. I knew loved the extra hair, she said I reminded her of her favorite billy goat. It is wintertime y'all know so the extra fur helps when I an curled up in a hollow log trying to gat some sleep. (not sheep) I think it may be too late for your vocabulary. As Rach hinted your speech recognition is headed to the Ozarks and the Queens english will soon be a second language. My computer has a translation program so keep e'm coming as I hunker down and do my best to deflect the rifle balls.

                Uncle Lester....
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