Insecurities Leaked: Dealing with the Consequences

Okay, we all know dating can be hard. Some of us have insecurities. However, ever wonder if your insecurities leaked? For example, if one has a limp, it's visible. It's acceptable. To talk about anxiety disorder (GAD) was taboo 20 years ago....ya I was a little one back then. The strides we made about domestic violence are more prevalent today than 20 years ago. Bullying, there is more awareness. I remember growing up and not being the biggest, and you just shrugged it off. Panic attacks were taboo as well. They were intangible, something you can't CT or MRI. The awareness for all those made more sociologically acceptable. However, the scars that remain whether you're living with an appliance or scars from surgery, can still be left. In these cases, a lot, especially young, will hide it. Like it's an abomination. Almost like Bruce Wayne to Batman or Clark Kent to Superman, some of us are compelled to hide our true scars or wounds which does have an impact on identity.

Now before I go on, don't think I am speaking for the masses, I am not. However, reality hit me. I know I wrote a long blog about "Food For Thought, Dating, an Actual convo", it related primarily to dating. I gave advice on my experiences. Unlike some of the above disorders or afflictions (you decide) it kinda feels taboo to talk about these surgeries.....Hence why some are here and other sites, to connect. To have a better understanding. However, in some ways, even though outgoing one can be, one can be afflicted with people knowing. I got so many emails with dating. I appreciate those who read or those I could help. Now let's regroup.......What if your disorder was given out? Have you changed your ways? I have to write this because well it's late my time lol, and you will see most my blogs follow like that. Dating can be an obvious issue of insecurity, even by ding dong, "Alpha Males" like me, so to speak......Again, the question remains what if your condition, which is sensitive leaks out?

Basically where I am going with this.....Gear up! lol. I was talking to this girl for quite some time...of course I mentioned nothing and kind of followed advice I gave on previous blog I wrote. We all strive for health, but love...everyone deserves. However heroic for some to come out to someone about their conditions, some will find out. Run down....Basically the girl I was talking to, told friends about my prior surgery. How do I know? Well, it got thrown in my face. A friend of the girl I was talking to, call her Miss X (no pun intended) is bipolar, socially accepted and should be. However, basically threatened to kill my life. Two days later I got assaulted by a male, sucker punched twice while sitting on a porch in the midst of night...You guessed it? Her ex. Now, by my size most people think I am a fighter, by all means I used to box. However, The wounds I carry make me a different fighter. I fought for my life, as many of you may have due to conditions. So the ex's friend took her phone called me and threatened my life by saying she was at a bar crying over me.......Not true, she was home. 3 days later I get assaulted. A car rolled up, didn't think anything of it, and was talking on a porch (sitting down). Before I know it, two sucker punches full blast to my face. I stood up, he took off.....

The friend of Miss X, I saw her out, she has been stalking me lol. She brought her boyfriend and said fake stuff, and he yelled out, where's your old bag!!! So I know she told her friends duh, and it was around friends...Now why would one want to fight someone with a prior illness? It's taboo and screwy. Friends wanted me to fight...they said what happened to the old Rick Bitty (again feel free to hit me up on that name, it's on a popular site...all of you). Well, I am not the same person. I knew the old me would want to tear his head off...lol. But I knew the girl was playing games. However, look it's A BAD VERSION OF JERSEY SHORE...but what if it was to leak out, your insecurities, is my point. ....

I thought about this.....N said, you know what...so what if they do. When a fight almost broke out, over ten people came out to stop it. My bud says, now you know who your real friends are, being many. One of them was bipolar (medicated). This girl who started it...not so much medicated, not so much....But to my point. See it makes you think differently. Some of us are so prone to hide it, or how do I tell a date? Well the girl knew, but I never said a word. N that touched me more than the blows to my face (sucker punched). Back to my point cause I feel I am going ADD with this one....What if it was known you had a surgery or appliance? Answer: Okay. I broke a facial bone on the assault, wasn't looking when I got hit. However, the hit that hurt the worst was using my previous problems and current to insult me. So now I know it's out. However, I realized it's still taboo.

Guys or gals what I am saying is mine was forced out, and I handled it, it hurt me inside. However, back to the dating thing... Some people don't care, being they see you. This goes back to my dating approach on a previous blog. However, I hope no one gets their insecurities out like I had to. See most of us got humbled by problems. Where others get humbled by egos. So, if this has happened to you, I'm sorry. People don't see your triumph, dedication, and perseverance to stand up to something that you may keep secret. I thought I'd write this and expose myself, many of you might feel lost, hurt, asking why me....especially at the beginning. However, overcome. Okay I was going to write about weight lifting and how for some to put on mass. It's late, and I'll probably write about it later. In all scenarios, confidence is key..whether via dating, dealing with what I dealt with lol, rudeness, or getting some of your health back. So feel free to comment. I am sorry if this blog is long and a little scattered I am tired. But I know some of you might have had yourself exposed rudely or a bad relationship, or a victim of assault. Please proceed with confidence, and stand up. Also, again...you are NOT your illness. Again, times can be rough and health is what you need. However, some love and understanding is what you should all strive for. Also shows you insecurities we can all share. In that, I hope you all find it....which will lead me into tips for mass. To help some insecurities....Now it's not like everyone knows of my surgery. Just a few. Good day or night - Dcrazy AKA Rick Bitty. Again feel free to add me, if I know you're from here.

Food for thought! Dating....can be found on my blogs or here, since dating can be rough at times: http://www.meetanostomate.org/index.php?page=blog&action=viewdetailed&view_id=1234&id=1330

Hi, I'm new on this site and I've had an ileostomy for 12 years on and off since I was 14 years old. I've never thought it was taboo to discuss. The day I met my husband, I shook his hand and said, "Soo... I poop in a bag, you ok with that?" and a few years later we married. I tell anyone what's up if they ask. It should never be a taboo discussion. It's amazing how people react once they ask questions and how accepted the whole situation is. Dating shouldn't be hard at all.

A different ball game? Excellent reflection, Dcrazy! We all have insecurities or vulnerabilities which we prefer to keep to ourselves, and we often do our best to hide them from most, if not all, people we encounter. Nothing is wrong with discretion; but when our fears lead to social or emotional paralysis, something needs to be done. Your post led me to wonder what am I afraid of should my ileostomy become public knowledge. I can imagine a few things but nothing major. That's not the case with everyone, particularly the younger or isolated among us. Probably the best way to disarm fear is to shine a little light on it. For example, what are the consequences of exposure? What do I have to lose or even gain? I am not suggesting that we wear a bag on our sleeves, but maybe we can release ourselves from some unnecessary and confining anxieties by becoming a bit more comfortable in our own skins. You cannot lose what you do not have. Your baseball metaphor, D, reminded me of a very old movie starring Anthony Perkins and Karl Malden: Fear Strikes Out. It's the Jimmy Piersall story and how he overcame mental illness to return to baseball greatness. Fear will always strike out if it is based on irrational considerations but addressed openly and honestly. Your blog is great therapy for you and your readers, Dcrazy. Thanks. PB

Here's just my own thoughts on your blog... After 13 years or so of having an ileostomy, I have found I can usually work out who can handle it if I divulge my condition and who can't. Most of the time, I wait until I feel comfortable with the person and it appears the friendship will grow. I also usually see if they have had any curved balls thrown at them in life to see if they can handle the one I was dealt! This usually holds true. For example, I recently started a friendship through a blog with a lovely person from Texas... Never have I done this before, I finally got the courage to tell her as I figured she would eventually find out and it would be best to see if she could handle it now and not later as by that stage I would probably get too hurt if she couldn't. So I told her and what a lovely response I received. She actually said she was in awe of me for having managed to overcome all that I had been through. She has become a wonderful friend to me. On the other side, I have told people in the past and saw immediately they could not deal with it. To me, this is because they are ignorant that a person's worth goes way beyond their physical appearance or disposition, and also I tell myself they just don't realize what a terrific person they have just lost LOL... Now on the dating side... I think that would be very difficult; however, there are wonderful people out there... When I had to have my ileostomy, I was only relatively newly married. I did not know if my husband would be able to accept my condition as even I was finding it difficult to come to terms with. However, when I had to go and change it at the hospital shortly after surgery and I broke down saying I didn't know if I could do this for the rest of my life. My wonderful husband said.. You won't have to... I will do it for you!!! He even tells me now that if he ever had to marry again, he would probably have to put an appliance on the person as he has become so used to it!!! So there are people out there who will look beyond your medical condition and love you for you. The reason I actually recently joined this website was because I was so taken aback by my American penpals' acceptance of me that I thought I would love to meet some more of you American people!!!! LOL And I have!!!! In conclusion, when I tell people of my condition, I just figure it sorts the sheep from the goats so to speak, the real true friends from the superficial friends. Now let's admit most of our kind are absolutely wonderful human beings as we know to love beyond the outward appearance and deep down isn't this what every human being longs for!!! Regards, Helen

This is a very good reflection of situations many of us go through....I wanted to say that so many good points were brought up in here! I have been more private about having an ostomy as well, and people do treat you differently when they find out about the condition, some with sympathy, some turn into gossip asses, some are turned off by it, etc....... However, I've personally never had anyone tease or taunt me in a nasty manner about it or I would have reacted in a way I assure you they would not forget, ...though I am usually a very peaceful person, those who know me know full well that testing my temper is not wise......There are so many different types of people and situations out there, I am sure most of us can take bits and pieces of things that have been said in this thread and associate it into our own personal lives, for sure. As for relationships, I only have friendships these days, I gave up on relationships, I'm done with that because I have emotionally exhausted myself in that area....now I just spend time with friends when and if I feel like it, try to take life slow and easy, I finally have a housemate at least temporarily and that makes things financially easier and am now able to also fix up this old house that has been caving in on me, and that is something else that, alone, I could not do....I take one day at a time and never step outside of my comfort zone with anything and I have zero tolerance for bullshit. I have also had a few people spread the juicy gossip about my ostomy because it put them center stage for attention for a while, and in doing so not only broke my trust and privacy but also now there are crazy visions in their minds of what an ostomy looks like and what one is, and as the gossip spreads and their own ideas and words are tossed into the mix, more ghastly visions of an ostomate's body are created within the twisted minds of the uninformed ....it's ridiculous....hideous questions arise at times. It is sad this type of thing does happen. I take one day at a time, keep busy and enjoy life best I can...despite what others say or do. Much love to each of you!~Doe

@Imcontent,... I am glad you have a wonderful husband that supports you, as anyone with any disorder or problem. It shows you that he really cares about YOU. My world can be a little more vain. However, me modeling before and playing ball when younger set the stage for that probably... and I kept surgery a secret. Thanks for the response. GL to you. @Primeboy.. I agree the young are probably more likely to feel an anxiety to hide it. See in my other blog, it was a convo between me and a director of a program. I thought I was calling for advice, then it turned me into giving advice. I first was talking about furthering education, and when the conversation was almost at the end.. I did something I typically don't do, I mentioned medical history. Well, turns out, the director is facing a similar surgery. He or she was asking about dating, gym, etc. I said after you get your health, dating seems to be the focus. See when young, you don't maybe have all your degrees or found that love one that you have built a rapport with. So you have to go through the stages of life differently. Imagine going to your first prom with an ostomy of sorts. On the flip, one can have the success... but the gloom and doom of need to settle down, as via the director. Well, when it does come public, shedding light is sorta what you gotta do. Well, you don't have to, but.... usually the one who squeaks the most gets the attention.... well if you're not talking, they might be. Again, it depends on social situations. I do like your closing...... @hmm and Wounded Doe, thanks for the responses... I will respond back. Also, feel free anyone to respond or comment. Thanks.... have a good day or night - Dcrazy AKA Rick Bitty.

Helen, I am glad you have a husband who is supporting... Also, yes, having an appliance can make dating hard... which is why I wouldn't bring it up at the beginning, because they are getting to know your condition and not you. I see that people are going to see two sides to the story... one of how one can overcome so much, or two, they don't accept. Either way, whether scars, appliance, etc., it can be hard.

@ Wounded Doe,....Well, glad you found a housemate. Yeah, it does stink when people use your condition or previous conditions against you. I am pretty private myself with everything. I think that part is good and bad. For example, if your old self, no one knows, then they find out. It might throw them for a curveball. On the other hand, if you're open, people might adjust.... However, you might feel uncomfortable. This brings me to a point. Sometimes, in regards to what I went through, some people will say, "It's okay, they're fine with it." The whole point missed is how I feel. So your own comfort level is well YOUR own. As far as the non-dating, I encourage you to read my blog about dating. I understand how you might feel. However, to see someone not find love, stinks. Trust me, I do understand where you are coming from though. Thanks for posting.

Dear Dcrazy, I agree with what you are saying!!! And I wouldn't like to be in the dating game... and would probably seek out another ostomate if I had to do it all over again. However, there are obviously people out there who will overlook the condition and love you despite it. I agree to let the person know you first and then tell them... but for me, I don't think I would let it go for too long until I told them as I wouldn't want to waste their time or mine. Yes, a very hard dilemma. Cheers

Crazy, you are right and very wise, bro. For me, the ostomy is less of a problem than the whole bigger issue that has worn me down, and that is the fact that I have become emotionally unavailable from my bad and hurtful experiences with men, and I doubt I will ever learn to trust anyone to get too close to someone again. My heart and soul are too tired, seriously. But I don't want to discourage anyone else out there from seeking a love adventure or relationship....I personally just can't put my heart on the line again.....I have become waaaaaay too stressed out and detached these days, and it has nothing to do with my ostomy...heck, that ostomy has never stopped me from anything in life, and I hope each and every one of you live your life to the fullest and never let that stoma stop you from doing the things you want to do :):)

@ Wounded Doe, I understand. Like I mentioned, some people will tell me they're okay with me...but again, it's how I feel...not what exactly everyone else feels. However, for me, both come into play. Hence why I am private about everything. Your heart and soul may be damaged from a lot. You and others on here have been through a traumatic experience. You know when people have certain diagnoses, it's politically correct to say they're a survivor? Well, you are too. Also, everyone gets burned: When I say that, I mean in relationships. Let's throw stats around. I am citing my private school studies lol...however, only 1% of people get married to their first love. When I hear this, I thought hmmm...well what about the divorce rate? 50%? So that means a half a percent chance one will be with their first or first love...Hence why I say most will get burned, so Wounded Doe don't feel alone. Now with that said...I have been burned twice. Before anything happened to me...AKA at my best. My nickname back home was called "the game"..lol. However, I was almost married twice, even at my age. I said no to both, however in the end...I got hurt. So hurt, wounded, that I thought I'd never treat a woman right again...Until I met someone who got treated poorly. Now, initially I wanted to treat women like I was that jerk they want to date, but CANNOT TAKE HOME to parents, lol. However, I saw the innocent hurt in her eyes...and I ended up opening the car doors, and showing her that there's more to guys. When I saw her eyes, I knew that pain, as I had it once, but twice. It's like if you were bullied in school, you're hurt, insecure, and maybe beat up...but do you rise above and from getting bullied, help those that are bullied, or be one yourself? I was both...but that's off topic lol. However, if you just apply that pain, maybe you will find a guy and notice that pain and help tap into it...by that, you help yourself. However, like I tell people in weightlifting who I trained, you have to accept yourself first. You won't bench 300 in 8 weeks. It takes time and dedication week in, week out. Nutrition, gym, and heart. Now if you don't accept oneself, then if you start benching say 100, but get to 125...Most say, "I only bench 125." They're looking at the whole picture, not realizing they increased by 25. It's called enjoying the journey as you work towards your goal. Well, you will know when you're ready again...Hey, I was in a period for a year where I was rebuilding my body and didn't want to date. Met a bunch of friends after moving...and BAM...back in the game :D.

Oh yeah...just an update on the assault for people.....Guy missed his arraignment....Stalking girl I took to court, a temporary restraining order filed....went to court today, was not on my A-game. Was tired and had anxiety. The judge left us both in the air, so maybe you guys can help here...lol. The judge kept the original temporary order in play, and said he'd mail out his decision....she even asked when we would know lol. I had a witness, and he didn't even call her to testify. So, I don't know...wish me luck!

Update: Protective order in which the person admitted assault and said they would sign whatever, got continued?? Really thanks lawyer I hired...lol. Assault case this coming Monday the 27th.