Is it weird that I'm here on this forum but still have not come around to being able to talk openly with strangers --- even those who do not know my identity --- about the experience that led me to qualify for membership at MeetAnOstoMate?
Am I the only one here who is still somewhat afraid to really go into detail about it with anyone other than close friends and certain family members? Can anyone else here relate to where I'm at with this?
I know I need to get over it and learn to be proud of who I am regardless of the circumstance I now find myself in, but for the first time in my life I'm experiencing a crisis of confidence and am unsure of how to handle it. At one point I was every girl's dream guy, had a great job, beachfront home and a wonderful life. Now that so much has changed in my life, I suppose I'm beginning to question who I am, and am unsure of the answer.
I was great at sports, extremely athletic, handsome (I'm still handsome, but I feel as though I am not), and I've never once in my life prior to the period leading up to my diagnosis questioned my self-worth. Now, it seems to be the $144,000 question I've exhausted all of my lifelines over and still haven't a clue what the answer is (I know the reference is a bit outdated, but you get the point).
I feel guilty that my girlfriend has stood by me through all of this. I love her more than myself or anything else in the world, but feel as though she deserves better than the me post-diagnosis... You know, the one whose very existence is an inconvenience to her.
Granted, she's given me no indication that she intends to leave anytime soon but I can't help but think that the day when that will change is forthcoming.
Sorry for being so depressing. I'm new to all of this and am unsure of what to do or how to handle everything that goes along with it.
Maybe in my next blog I'll reveal a little about my situation, but as of today I haven't yet built up the courage to do so. Any suggestions or ideas on how to come to terms with the new me would be greatly appreciated, although I can understand given that I've really not said anything specific how it may be difficult for anyone to empathize with me, much less offer advice.
I will say though that just writing this first journal seems to have made me feel a bit better.
What did you do in order to come to terms and learn to talk openly when appropriate about your situation? How did you regain your self-confidence, or were you even able to do so?
Any advice right now would make a world of difference as I'm just not sure what to do or where to turn. I'm not suicidal, but I am a bit depressed and worried that life will never be anything even close to what it used to be.