Enforcing Consequences for Offensive Behavior: Creating a Friendly Community

If any of you have ever competed in duplicate bridge tournaments, you know immediately that bridge can bring out the worst aspects of our personalities. Players can become angry, vindictive, petty, rude, explosive, and quarrelsome with their own partners over the simplest mistake in the play of the hand. Failure to bid properly or to receive a signal correctly leads to a bad hand and maybe a bottom score. For this reason, spouses often avoid partnering with each other for the sake of their marriage. Bridge directors have created tools to deal with this problem. Unwelcome behaviors are posted and violators are called to account immediately. There are consequences for offenders ranging from point loss through expulsion. Perhaps the leadership of this site should consider something similar. We know what some of the offending behaviors are. Shouldn't there be consequences when abuse occurs? The only consequences I have seen to date are that offensive posts are erased or the offender is suspended. What do you think might work here? Sure, there will be clashes which can be nipped in the bud, but they don't have to end up as slings and arrows over a large number of posts, each deteriorating with the next volley. What kind of standards do we want in keeping this a friendly, supportive community for all ostomates? PB

It's a good idea, but I don't know if it would work too well... Anyone can join the site, which means Frank Jackass can come on, cause problems, and get kicked out. Next day Fred Asshat shows up and does the exact same thing...

(Frank's name should be in quotes...he's supposed to be Frank in a 'clever' disguise)

Hi there PB, I'm not sure just how far the Admin should go, there have been a couple of times in the past when a couple of my posts were deemed notin good taste and they just didn't post them and they also told me why and on reflection they were right, hell,I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong it only happens once or twice a decade, and if you believe that. . . But seriously, PB I'm not at all familiar with bridge but even with Cribbage I have seen some nasty behavior, I guess in any game some people are poor losers and lose all sense of proper behavior. As far as I can remember the only time I went aboard a poster is when they post some ignorant rant about some minority, then even the Admin helps me out by deleting the worst of my rage. Good post though PB

Hi Ya PB, this is my second time around and I'll make it a lot shorter. I have in the past posted replies to posters and the Admin in their wisdom, and rightly so deleted all or some of my posts and those they missed were ones I went after with a vengence because of ignorant bigotry which usually resulted in all our posts being deleted. But getting back to Card games most of us kids could play Cribbage before starting school and some of the teachers taught they were cheating until Dad took a Cribbage board to a PTA Meeting and one of us kids and showed the teacher how they could count cards and just blew her away.Back to your point, at least a little, one time in the hospital an elderly man I knew well wanted to play a game of Crib, I wasn't in the mood and he persisted. We played three games and I skunked him three times, was he angry? bet on it. Next day he was back and finally I relented, as luck would have it he won the first game and I managed to skunk him on the next two, he was so cross he hit the table so hard, cards and crib board went flying and cursing under his breath and I finally laid down the law, no more Cribbage, and so it was written.Hehe. And once again back to your point, maybe I have missed too much to comment but it seems to me anybody who goes out of their way to display their ignorance is well taken care of by our regular posters or by the Admin, or am I missing something here. Take care my friend, Ed

That wasn't shorter. How did your doc visit go?

I don't know about Cribbage either Ed, and there are times I am not online for awhile and miss out on a lot in here too, so I don't know which ones you refer to, but you're a friend and I care about you very much.The point made in PB's post flows pretty good. As for me, I know more about sword fighting, knife throwing, crazy dare devil stunts and working with wild animals, always requiring strong quick analysis and serious focus and I can handle all of those things quite well, being accurate and precise and maintaining focus until job is done....that is a set mode in my mind, ...and many other aspects of my life rotate around that sharp fast focus and I see things to the finish,... but social disruptions by humans I have no patience for and I therefore have no problem confronting any Frank Jackass, as Captian referred. I also have no problem dragging Frank to his ruin if he doesn't settle and behave, we must be consistent with that ....and there are certainly many ways to do that. This site is one of those places that is considered by me to be of fragile and Sacred space, because it contains a worldly group of people who collect here for very important reasons....and I take a strong stand against those who come on here to 'raise hell' or pick a fight then get self gratification if no one stops him, hence, his behavior continues and becomes more frequent.......and if Admin does not catch them and bounce them out, then it is up to us to take a stand against the FEW people who like to stir things in here, they should never be allowed to get away with that.....and though some might be afraid to say anything, or some might attempt the polite and timid response to him, that type of approach we know a Bully (for lack of a better word) will NEVER listen to. Captian is also right about them sneaking back onto this site after being kicked out, that has happened in the past as many of us are aware, Administration can't iron out all the wrinkles unfortunately, ....what Bullies need is strong people to step up to confront them, consistently ...and the typical response by someone who is getting rightfully scolded is that they might attempt to make those who are fed up look like 'the bad guys' ..don't let that intimidate any of you! ....and as we know, when a few become Mr. Jackass in here, I am one who doesn't hesitate to step up to the plate. I have zero tolerance for that and I'm happy to see other people stepping up to confront the Franks as well.Your last line Ed is being strongly agreed upon by a large circle of us, I will quote your perfect words, ... but it seems to me anybody who goes out of their way to display their ignorance is well taken care of by our regular posters or by the Admin .....True. This is a good thing........and very important. Try to have a good day everyone ;) xoxoo

By the way Ed.....take care and get some extra rest for awhile..............let me know how you're doing my friend.~Doe

Great post, Primeboy. It's about time someone said something regarding this topic.

WOUNDED DOE, its hard to get rest when you can't type and I have some important people to answer to. But one of these days, thanks for caring, Ed

I know what you mean, Ed....and I am currently supposed to be in 5 places at once....never enough hours in the day.

GARFISH, when I seen my doctor the other day and he was laying out all those needles to stick in my spine my mind went totally blank, next time I hope to bring up the subject, EdPB: my apologies for straying from your original post, Ed

Not to worry, just trying to help.

Doe, after reading your post at least part of it was the way I used to handle my job, I could handle five different jobs at once until it caught up to me and thus began spinal problems that still haunt me today. When I hired my daughter and caught her pulling the same thing I put a stop to it right then and there. I was never told to do these extra jobs but if someone wasn't doing there jobs I would boot them the hell out of their area and do it myself, I had no patience with lazy people. One day I told a pressman he better oil those bearings on his press and little did I know the boss,(actually he was a good friend to me)heard me say this and the next day a couple of bearings blew all to hell and my whole weekend was spent tearing this machine apart while my boss was tearing the pressman a new, not a stoma, what's the word I'm lookinmg for, ah hell you all get it. EdPB: again my apologies, Ed

What used to piss me off was when one of the pressmen lost a finger, thumb or whatever, in the press. But there was plenty of Irish whiskey to drown our sorrows.

I heard that printers don't drink more than anyone else. It just shows up more in print.

Yeah, that's true..............

It just shoes up mroe in pirnt.Yo PB: shoes mroe pirntYep, you got all the qualities of being an excellent printer. And thanks for your forbearance in our screwing up your blog, Ed

Holy Carp

Hi itchy, I've often heard of Holy Mackerel, but CARP??

Well PB...I think there might not need be too much more done with topic of discussion after all, sure a little tweaking here and there as with anything......but.........people have spoken up to Bullies on here and have made their stand when they've had enough, and that is fantastic and important because that needs to be done, and it was. Some friends on here are professional and pleasant when addressing the instigator, and some people are a bit more sharp with how they address them, but both ways the points were driven home....we know there are a few more out there who are known to pull this stuff from time to time and we're not going to tolerate it anymore......When someone notices something has started again, it is important that we are 'Consistent' in backing them down, by both Members and Administration, then problems get taken care of. There are still some lousy threads out there started by and followed through by a few men that should have been nipped in the bud immediately.......but.....realistically speaking, it does take cooperation of both the Members side of the coin as well as Administration , Administration in my opinion does an excellent job when things are brought to their attention, but we need to do our part too......things seem to have PUBLICALLY settled down a bit now, unless I'm missing something due to my lack of time on here, ......but I see progress. There is still another thread I recall some dastardly remarks by same men in that one as well ......however, we are aware of who apologized once I discovered what was going on in there. Not cool. That thread includes gross and suggestive rotten comments, even sexually disgusting comments made by someone about one of our Ostomate Sisters in a cucumber patch.......hopefully Administration will wipe that out as well.....I could not believe what I was reading in there, baffled that people could stoop that disgustingly low to insult one of our girls (who is no longer on this site) .....we all know there has been more nasty threads started and followed through by same few men who need reprimand.......more of us plan to stay firm with voicing our disproval.I don't have the tact that I have seen in other people when we confront these people.....I am the devil in our family here who leaps right over tact and is up a Bully's socket like a rocket. But so be it.......and I never say anything I don't mean.I'm just hoping that certain people behave themselves......we've had quite enough and we've made it known.Now on to more peace!

Hey Ed, my friend!!! ..... (Doe with devilish little gleam in eye, lol) ...... how do you think Meandher Yahitzme would handle some of the situations ????? HA!!!

Hello PB and everyone who has had something to say on this topic. I deliberately left my own comments until others had their say because I have a slightly different appraoch to such things. Firstly, let me say that I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiment that we should be looking at what sort of standards should be adopted on a site that purports to be friendly and supportive. Secondly, I am not opposed to a certain amount of censorship as long as it is constructive and recognises the needs of all concerned. Thirdly, I would hope that there are other ways to help people overcome their obnoxiousness without total exclusion but recognise that sometimes this is not possible.Having said all that it may appear that I am totally in agreement with the responses put forward in opposition to the 'bullies'. What perhaps sets me apart is that throughout my working life I have set up organisations and systems to 'help' those people who have often been thrown out of other organisations. I have never said that these other organisations were wrong in excluding them. However, I believed that the people excluded also needed help and support from people who understand their condition and subsequent behaviour. The general responses to people who behave in a socially unacceptable way are somewhat reflective of the rejecting and negative responses reported here towards people with stomas. The 'condition' of obnoxiousness towards others is so often a condition resulting from poor or inadequate parenting. Hence the instinctive, 'childlike' or 'immature' characteristics in some of their thinking and behaviour. Unfortunately our so-called civilized societies are built and underpinned by a culture of 'bullying' in one form or another. Thus,some people will come to view this as an acceptable mode of behaviour. Many or most of the people I have worked with have themselves been bullied and rejected in all sorts of ways on a regular basis throughout their lives. None of this has made a positive difference to them and I would go so far as to say that it has probably made them worse. In order to have some chance of making a difference there must be other ways to approach the problems posed by such people. My own work was specialising with people who were deemed to be the 'worst' offenders. Interestingly, many of them made considerable progress when the problems were identified in a matter-of-fact, logical (rather than a combative/emotional) way and they were encouraged to self-regulate their unacceptable behaviours. I am not advocating that anyone on here acts in any other way than that which they feel is right for them. all I wished to do was express an alternative viewpoint and suggest that these things are not responded to emotionally or personally(which may encourage more of the same)but that those things deemed as unacceptable are clearly stated by the people responsible for administering the online 'community'in which this interaction takes place. As this appears to be happening already it would be down to other users to report any abuse as soon as they feel it has happened. Best wishes Bill

Much respect to you, Bill... We need you in here.

Absolutely

September 4th, 2013Hey ED my friend!!! ..... (Doe with Devilish little gleam in eye, lol ) ...... how do you think Meandher Yahitzme would handle some of the situations ????? HA!!!Well Meandher, I can almost hear the crack of that bullwhip and a lot of screaming, god I'm glad your'e my friend, Ed

Thank you all for your great comments. I think this blog has had a nice run with lots of views and comments. I am personally not in favor of any censorship except that which is self-imposed. We all know how to be civil, even though we don't always live up to our own expectations. Who does? People who create blogs have an option to delete inappropriate comments in their blog. Readers also have the added option of ignoring disrespectful comments by noticing and avoiding the author. On the whole, there are many great blogs on this site. Since June 1st through August 31, I counted 49 separate blogs with 12341 views and 329 comments. By far the busiest blogs in terms of views and comments are those that deal with the practical issues of successfully managing life with a bag and maintaining some kind of positive mental attitude to make sure that happens. That part of this operation is working quite well. As for as those Zero Tolerance Policies go, well...fuggetaboutit. Instead, some of us, including myself, will do our best to remember what we already learned in Kindergarten. On another note, a happy New Year to our Jewish ostomates: L'Shana Tova! PB

Yo PB: you came up with one heck of a good blog, even though some of us hijacked it at times. As for your above post I agree with most of your assessments, the one exception would be when somebody posts some sort of bigotry, then I react immediately without thinking and now after some though I have figured a way to have the same effect without all the posts being deleted. Once again thanks for a great post and apologies for our hijacking once in awhile, Ed

No problem, Ed. Do you remember all the blogs that Xerxes and I hijacked when we were bloviating on some line or two from Shakespeare? Justice has been served. Besides, I understand it was business. You were pressing important points. PB

You're just too kind PB, but that's you all the time,The quality of mercy is not strainedThanks Ed