Headlines we would love to see

Dateline: Mission Control, Houston, Texas

Stoma News has learned a UFO has been spotted aboard the International Space Station (ISS). Astronaut Gus Output filed this report....

At 1300 hours, an unidentified floating object (UFO) was observed in the crew break room hovering near the ceiling. Closer inspection revealed it to be a plastic bag with Velcro on one end and a flange on the other. It is not known what this contraption is used for, nor where it came from. Faint letters on the bag read: H O L L I S.... the rest of the letters have faded away. NASA has begun a top-level investigation.

Stay tuned to Stoma News for future updates as they become available.

Dateline: Kitty Hawk, N. Carolina

Serial inventor Hollister Cera is attempting to follow in the Wright Brothers' footsteps. This morning unveiling the "Cera glide suit."

Made from special-purpose plastic bags utilizing a patented "crusting technique." Bags are stuck together by their integrated Velcro closure. Then stacked or crusted to create a novel flying wing suit.

Directional stability is generated by opening and closing the bag flanges to release trapped air, thus altering airflow and wing volume. Something Hollister refers to as "burping."

Will it fly? Stay tuned to Stoma news for the next scintillating report.

You taking some new medications Beachbiy? 😁 🤷‍♂️

Haha, that's my bag floating around!

🤣

This just in: Kansas farmer discovers strange crop circle in his corn field...aliens? Stoma news sent ace science reporter Tad Enstein to investigate. Stay tuned.....

A change in medications will do this.

I'm with Alex on this 

Surf's up for Beachboy. 😆

Hee heeeeeee... Somedays I just can't help myself. My wife of 37 years is immune to my ramblings. She knows what I'm gonna say before I open my mouth. One day last week I came home early from work. As I opened the door she looked at me and said "I know, light traffic." As I tried to talk again, she said "No, I didn't go to the bank yet." I glared at her and again attempted to say something... But the little minx beat me to it and exclaimed "Pizza for dinner.. help yourself." And with that she zipped back upstairs and left me mumbling to the cat.

I do have a plan.... cue cards

Hey AlexT,

I used to mainline the hard stuff, sucked down 3 to 4 hits a day of my favorite....Coke a cola.

Alas, my days of cola-filled stupor are over. Mr. Stoma has me on a short leash. Unsweetened tea.

Dateline Seal Beach, California

Elderly robbery suspect leads police on slow-speed sidewalk chase. Arresting officer bopped on head with purse.

Residents of nearby retirement community, Slow World, are in shock this morning as one of their own robbed a local CVS. Brandishing a can of adhesive remover spray, the geriatric bandit demanded a startled pharmacy technician to "hand over the stoma bags." When the technician laughed, he got a squirt to the ear. "Don't think this is tomfoolery, you young whipper snapper. I'm on Medicare!" She was last seen slowly shuffling down the street, bags in hand.

More details later.