Being in a dark place


I am thinking this morning about what it means to be in a dark place. I am one week out from my reversal and it is rough. My wound is very painful after the nerves have woken up, the abdomen is deeply uncomfortable because my colon is not awake yet and so I am very bloated and contorted around gas pains. After a week in the hospital, and now gladly home, my body craves movement it cannot have and feels deeply depleted after more than a week of almost no food.

So, for now, and I have great faith in healing and that all will improve, I am in a dark place. But I am trying to differentiate between being in a dark place and having my being go dark, because that is not what I am experiencing. My spirit and heart are not dark. They are warm and bright, full and whole. I am suffering for sure, mostly from not having an outlet for my spirit and heart, but rather, for now being entrapped in this space of pain, suffering, waiting and emptiness. It's hard, but it doesn't define me- it simply defines where I am. But it is a very, very hard place to be.

Does anyone else on this long cancer journey relate?





I send Blessings and my best thoughts from the Green hills of the Welsh Border her in UK.


I can FEEL for where you are at present, and send a virtual hand that you may find the quiteness and comfort within the current place of post op you are expeiencing ...


Rest after the storm.


Hang in and be kind to yourself - Hope and Good Intention is, as you know, worth so much ...


Although foward goals help - for now, just BE fully with simple COre Self and let nature do its healing.


Flying on a feather -

Virtual Hug


I will 'look-in' again


Best Wishes


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Reply to Jayne

Thank you, Jayne, for such a thoughtful and beautiful response. Perfect for where I am right now and deeply appreciated. ❤️


Hang in there.  The first few weeks are the toughest.  Healing comes gradually.  To distract my mind right after my surgery, I watched all my favorite movie comedies on DVD.  Had a couple of rough moments.... I laughed... was painful.


Hello!  I know nothing said can take away your pain, but I can definitely relate.  My reversal is coming up in a few months.  Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping the best for you, Rich!

How to Manage Ostomy Leaks with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister
Rose Bud 🌹

Just know it's ok NOT to be ok!!! Stay positive and strong and bright..Don't let the evil get to you and win...I don't have a cancer story to relate to other than the long reason why I have an ostomy and why I have to be now checked yearly because I've become high risk of Pancreas Cancer..Thankfully so far it's come back negative .

Rose Bud 🌹
Reply to DexieB

Good luck with everything!!! Hope it goes well for you!!! 🙏 🌹 

Reply to Rose Bud 🌹

Thank you so much!  😊 

Rose Bud 🌹
Reply to DexieB

Of course ...I don't think I'll have the chance for a doctor won't even think about it untill my health is stable and it's been 3 yrs. The longer I wait I don't know if I want to risk it now due to all my issues. BUT am happy for anyone that chooses and can successfully!!! I'd love to hear how it went for you !!! 


When we are hurting, Time seems to slow down, The days seem long, But in saying that, time is the only healer.

Stay strong, we have all been at sometime where you are now. Best wishes Bill.


G-Day Rich,  It's all a time facter my friend. Been there but also know it will get better for you. Hang in there. Regards IGGIE


How are you doing today Rich?

I hope nasty gases are giving you a respite...

A hug from Spain...a very very light one not to trigger any more pain


Reply to Beachboy

Thanks, Beachboy, for the encouragement. Appreciate it- and yes laughter is dangerous!

Reply to DexieB

Thanks so much, Dexie. I appreciate your warm support and hoping that all goes well for you as you approach this in a few months.

Reply to Rose Bud 🌹

Thanks so much, Rose Bud. It's really helpful to be reminded that it's ok not to be ok at some of these moments along the way. It's really hard to know sometimes what to tell others when going through a hard time. So great to have supportive folks here who understand.

Reply to Newhere

Beautiful message, Bill, and so true. It is so helpful to know that others have been in this place and understand.

Reply to IGGIE

Thanks for the encouragement, Iggie. So true that the hard times do pass and grow my faith and positive spirit in the process. Thanks so much for reaching out.

Reply to Happy-but-Newbie

Thanks so much for the gentle hug, Happy-but-newbie. Happily received. I'm glad to say that things really took a turn for the better in the last 24 hours and I'm feeling much better. My system had been super slow to wake up but everything started moving today making things much more comfortable and relieving some of the uncertainty. Thanks so much for reaching out.


I can't tell you all how meaningful it is to have you all for support and shared experience. It really is such a gift to be with folks who know what these steps are like because it just isn't something most people can understand. Thank you!!!

Hey just wanted to check in on ya. I know the darkness you mean, at least I know of darkness. It's not a fun place. But, this too shall pass. We can't have flowers without rain. Just remember you will come out of this. The nerve pain is horrific, I think mine are waking up after colostomy reversal/loop ileostomy creation on 10/23. Severe burning sensation when I cough or laugh, not pleasant whatsoever.

Each day is a new day friend and I hope they get better and better. Hugs.

Reply to rnourie


Just flying past and stopping to alight upon your windowcill

I hope that you have found repose and a better place

the quiteness opens to a new dawn - gently as the morning light grows over the horizon

smiles and gentle waves from the Coast of Pembrokeshire ....

I will be sending you good thoughts and best wishes during my night drive to hills in the west


Best Quite flap - on the wing of a feather I send best bishes for a progressive recovery


kind thoughts


Reply to Newhere

Hello 'New Here',

You are so right - TIME is necessary - for the body will find its own equilibrium - A clear strong intention, gentle heart and bright cellular space will allow 'the best' that is possible to happen - in its own time.


I send kind thoughts to All Members and everyone visiting here on MAO, .... for I can relate to bowl rupture and the longer term consequences of this.

So too can one relate to the initial 'scare' on finding one morning an egg sized growth - noticably becoming larger ... Scarey: First job to isolate and 'try and 'hold' in stasis and then focus more deeply and going to Core to address at cellular level a fast growing dark cellular 'Happening' ....  Actually once over the initial surprise it is a very humbling experience - for in end one FEELS it is down self to fight by surrendering in ultimate weakness before getting a handle on that which is happening.

I FEEL that it is wonderful if we can "Allow" ourselves to release and open to 'Clear' that which can accumulate when we do not address the basic needs we all have on a heart and well-being level.


To iterate what has been said by so many Other Members, we LEARN , LEARN ..... and if we don't "get" it the first time - things are re-presented to us more strongly the next .... so LEARN LEARN LEARN ... and eventually the Core us is honoured and we change when we Do the work required - gradulally - and sometimes the Realisation' comes and a quantum leap is felt from whence we can surge forward.


On a Physiologicall level, there needs to be a oneness with Time for the body to balance .... And it is a very very personal equation for the individual to maintain "balance"  .... hence what is right for one may not relate to that which is currently appropropriate for another - - Or EVEN OURSELVES [as change is a given]  ..... for  OVER TIME WE DO FIND THERE ARE 'ADJUSTMENTS' which, if we actually listen to our Body, Heart and Soul , and,  have the courage to adapt .... We are able to change the course for the better and continue our Journey with more happiness, awareness and love for what IS.

And yes it is HARD - and we do have to try [willingly, ideally, sometimes with slow realisation] to actually DO the WORK requireed on many levels of our BEing.

So, 'Hope' is a welcome companion as we progress our Journey, for without hope we are all in a very poor place.




waves from the UK



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