Wide World of Stomas

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Beachboy

Good day everybody, I'm Jim McCay, and welcome to ABCs wide world of stomas.  Today's competition features Ostemates from all walks of life from around the globe.  Joining me in the broadcast booth is defending bag toss champion and current, "Mr. Rectum USA", the incomparable, BeachBoy.  Lots of talent out there today BB. Whats your game plan?
Thanks Jim.  Competition looks especially tough.  To review:  Ostemates snap off their pouch, roll it up, then toss it as far as possible without seepage.  Last year I became the world record holder, with a toss of 18 feet 2.3 inches.  Well BeachBoy, rumors are, that you cheated.  Critics say you munched popcorn the day before, providing solid, heavy output, which gave you an unfair advantage.  Oh nooooo Jim.  Like a quarterback, I merely rolled the pouch into a football shape, gave it a mighty heave with stabilizing spin.  Won me the gold medal.

 Ace gossip columnist Flabby is down on the field.  How's it looking Flab?  Thanks Jim.  I'm here with last year's silver medalist, Warrior. What cha' thinkin' W?  Well Flab, that Beachboy pulled off an unlikely upset last year, beat me out of the gold medal by 6 inches.  I've been working hard on my bag release, and pouch top spin.  No way I'm second best this year.  Back to you Jim.

First Ostemate in the toss circle is Beachboy.  Cracks his knuckles, does some knee bends.  Snaps off his Hollister, rolls, and let's it fly.  Lands with a solid thud.  Officials rush out with the measurement laser.  Tally is 18 feet, 4 inches.  A new world record.  Taking a bow to the cheering crowd, Beachboy is all smiles.   

Next up is Warrior.  Smiles and waves at the crowd, gives the finger to Beachboy.  Steps into the toss circle.  Unsnaps his Coloplast.  Gives it a slow roll up.  Spins around twice, and launches it in a high, perfect arc.  It's closing in on Beachboys toss!  This could be a new world record,  we're witnessing history.  But suddenly the velcro closure opens, poop is ejected, flying in all directions, umpires open their umbrellas.  The nearly empty bag falls 2 inches short of BB's pouch.  Warrior mutters cuss words, gives Beachboy the finger again.  Head held high, marches off the field.  Oh the humanity.

 Flabby catches up to Warrior for his thoughts.  For a second, looked like you would defeat your nemesis Beachboy.  Where did it all go wrong?  Flab, I forgot to attach an IGGIE clamp to the closure.  Centrifugal force slung the poop mass at 3 G's toward the drain, forcing it open.  This caused rapid bag decompression and loss of flight dynamics.  Then gravity took over.  Well Warrior... good effort.  Maybe next time. 

Now in the toss circle is crowd favorite, the "Thunder from down under,"  IGGIE.  Inventor of the innovative bag clip of the same name.  Can he beat Beachboy?  IGGIE preps his pouch. Rolling and molding it into a funny looking shape, like a large C.  He rears back and slings it skyward.  It spins and soars.  Gets close to Beachboys mark, then makes a U turn and flys back toward IGGIE!  When just overhead, IGGIE slaps it with his palm, launching it back over the toss field with a faster spin.  The crowd is on their feet.  The pouch zips past Beachboys record setting pouch, hovers for a second, and lands 1 foot away!  A new world record! 
What a performance. 

Be sure and tune in next week as ABC's wide world of stoma's brings you the 2nd annual Barrier ring toss championships from New Jersey.  Thanks for watching.  This is Jim McCay saying 'G day mate.

xnine

Quite the story.

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Nini4

Hahaha. The images in my head🤪

Earth Angel

Thank you for the laugh!!! It made my night!

warrior

😤"will be seeing you next year...mr..beachboy".

 
How to Manage Ostomy Leaks with LeeAnne Hayden | Hollister
Beachboy
Reply to warrior

He hee heeeeeee.  I'll use my secret weapon...  popcorn.  

Seriously, thanks for being an active member of this site.  Sometimes  I have a hard time dealing with hernia/stoma.. prolapse.  Everyone here understands.  Keeps me hanging on.

warrior
Reply to Beachboy

my comment, if u follow the john wick movie- story, was taken  from the female signing to john wick where her last dying "words" were that.

Its good to have you here also.. and great showman always helps others cope.. gotta have that little bazinga.

now...about that iggie..🙄

 

aTraveler

Excellent competition, loved the contestants. Perhaps I can participate in the next competition with ConvaTec's Esteem Synergy Adhesive Coupling Closed Pouch appliance. Adhesive Coupling can be the new kid on the block. 😉

7dragonflies.hm

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Beachboy
Reply to aTraveler

Esteem Synergy Adhesive Coupling Closed Pouch appliance sounds seriously aerodynamic.  Serious competition.

So I better get busy with my new artificial intelligence app that simulates wind tunnel testing.  AI computational power will allow unlimited virtual testing of my experimental bag roll methods and pitch and yaw dynamics.  

See you soon in the "toss circle" aTraveler.  Warrior, IGGIE, and I will be ready to rumble.

AlexT

How long as it been since that show was on? 😬 You are old. 😁 That guy wiping out on the ski jump had to hurt. 

Morning glory

So funny

IGGIE
Reply to Beachboy

G-Day BB,  I am out of breath after all that tossing back and forth, the C shape on the bag was my Boomerang missile that's why it did a U turn, but if you look at the clip now its a Gold IGGIE clip and that's what I was aiming for  A GOLD IGGIE CLIP. Get ready BB and Warrier next year is going to be full on. Regards IGGIE

Rose Bud 🌹

💩🤣🤣🤣🤣 Clearly cheated...he used a Pearl or Diamond to thicken it.🤭

Beachboy
Reply to AlexT

I remember it well:  The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.  ABC's wide world of sports.  Watched it on a small black and white TV.  The good old days before computers and cell phones.

Beachboy
Reply to IGGIE

I like it!  A gold IGGIE clip.  

I used to squeeze the heck out of my Hollister velcro closure.  And it would still unravel.  I wear the clip everyday.  Even with a pretty full bag, it's good to know the drain is secured by the clip.

Thanks and have a great day IGGIE.

warrior

in hindsight, i believe we have arrived full circle with our ancestors.🦍

we are throwing our 💩 in sport, unlike them.. who threw there 💩 for whatever reasons, open handed too..that's talent.😊

i can count on one hand some of the people i'd throw my bag at..

 

warrior
Reply to aTraveler

whispers to iggie..hey iggs.. these two front butts have alot of tech bach ground going for them. crickety!! , u and i are just common folks.  u used a paper clip..im thinking  super glue and elmers to seal that trail end.  can simplicity rule the day over genius? " 🤔

aTraveler
Reply to warrior

Nah, aerodynamics, drag, and lift have to be accounted for. Not too worried about the I-clip since it will introduce drag in flight. Since BB is planning on using AI generated wind tunnel sims, I may have to visit Kennedy Space Center and use their technology to test launching at various angles and force to obtain the maximum flight distance

 

warrior
Reply to aTraveler

and i must say respectfully.. u suck😊

Beachboy

There is also the law of momentum.  Thus expressed: Momentum is equal to mass x acceleration. 

IGGIE, when he jumped up and slapped his boomerang pouch, increased its centrifugal force.  Resulting in dynamic lift from the increased forward momentum via acceleration.  Aerodynamic forces altered airflow over the boomerang airfoil surfaces, rocketing the pouch to its record setting distance.

His gold IGGIE clip merely provided drag, reducing rotational speed and thus allowing gravity to bring it back to earth.

 

warrior
Reply to Beachboy

and ditto. you suck too. 😊🙀

Beachboy

"Sucking" is an absence of air pressure resulting in a vacuum.  

It can be used in many expressive ways:

He sucks.  She sucks.  They suck.   You'll suck    Politicians suck.   Stoma's suck 

We could say:                                              Warrior got stuck in a suck.                              He was not a lucky duck.                                His pouch was filled with muck.            Causing all to exclaim... yuck!

aTraveler
Reply to Beachboy

 Centriv

aTraveler

I surmise the slap differs each time and is not repeatable. No calculations are performed just jump up and slap it and hope for the best. BB you know better but you flatter to keep Iggie from improving on a schoolboy technique. It will lose in an age of AI, simulators, models, and wind tunnels. As Warrior is fond of saying it will suck.

IGGIE
Reply to Beachboy

First class sucking Beachboy. Warrier i hope you get out of your Stuck Suck. Regards IGGIE

warrior

damn.. i think i'm being bitch- slapped by the anal-retentive competition.

warrior no like this. will do my rain dance come time we swing our shit. consult with "dances with rain"aka rainman...

proves effective know- how.. 

insulate bag with sleath coating will enable a glide free drag free flying object.

rainman never wrong. suggest competition wear proper attire. its gunna be a wet day game time.

Beachboy
Reply to aTraveler

Must flatter IGGIE.... or a boomerang will soon be hovering above my noggin.  After scalping me.... it will zoom to New Jersey, seeking out a certain Warrior.  Be afraid.... very afraid.

Beachboy
Reply to warrior

I'm gonna wrap me-self in plastic wrap.  Wear large hat, carry bigger umbrella.  One drop of Warrior output on exposed skin...and POOF... yer toast.

Beachboy
Reply to aTraveler

I've always wanted to "Bond" with a centrifuge.  With a bit of spin of course.

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