I'm Devastated

Posted by leah, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:49 pm

i used my husbands computer last monday because mine broke down and
i saw pictures of him and a pretty young lady naked,
i confronted him about it and he said that since iv had my illiostomy iv become unbearable to live with,
and he wants a divorce.i cant stop crying ,he walked out on tuesday and i havnt seem him since,iv called him and left messages ,but nothing,
we have been married for 11 years,i had my op 2 yeasr ago.
im so hurt and confused,
thank you for listening,
leah,

Reply by notexpectingthis, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:35 pm

Honey if he left now he was looking for a reason b4 the stoma - GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!!!!
Chin up! Prayers!

Melissa

Reply by ambies, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:42 pm

Hi Leah dont blame youself for stoma your alive and kicking theres plenty of nice men who are understanding about these things we have ,its hard for you right now but hes best gone out your life since he doesnt love you ,if he did he would still be there for you and by your side . Stay strong tc ambies x

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Reply by Yukon steve, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 4:07 pm

I'm one of those fellows but I live to far away.

Reply by Primeboy, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 5:36 pm

Inspite of your present pain, you will soon be grateful for this riddance of truly bad rubbish in your life. Be grateful you won't be wasting any more good years on him. PB

very helpful

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Reply by cherylem, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:23 pm

Im so sorry , I will keep you in my prayers. Remeber you are made perfect in gods eyes, and maybe god wants something better for you. I know your in pain and hurt but you will get thru all this. God bless you
Cherylem

Reply by nwcurtis, on Tue Sep 11, 2012 6:41 pm

You might be happier without him. Don't worry, his day is coming.

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Reply by Past Member, on Wed Sep 12, 2012 8:20 am

Despite the devastation, i hope things are otherwise well, mostly ostomy-wise, but all things...

Reply by leah, on Wed Sep 12, 2012 1:31 pm

aw thank you everyone for your lovely comments,
hes coming back tonight to collect most of his stuff,
i just dont understand,
i supported him for the whole ten years ,i i gave up work to nurse him through
his throat cancer,
i then started my own little buisness to support us both,
(that i still have ,thank god,)

i feel iv been used and its not a nice feeling,
apart from this im fine thank you for asking,i do appreciate it,

I GOT A LOVELY PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM GRAHAM
but im sorry i cant figuer out to reply to you,
what a lovely person you are to take the time to send me a very encouraging message
thank you very very much,
leah.

Reply by three, on Wed Sep 12, 2012 3:24 pm

leah wrote:

. . . he's coming back tonight to collect most of his stuff, I just dont understand,
. . . I gave up work to nurse him through his throat cancer . . . I feel I've been used and its not a nice feeling

Hi leah ~ your situation and feelings remind me of a story I heard a long time ago:

Once upon a time a traveller came across a shallow river he had to cross.  Just when he was about to wet his feet, he saw a scorpion trying to get out of the river.  It was near the bank but unable to gain hold of the ground.  He picked up the scorpion in his right palm with the intention to place it on the dry surface, but the scorpion stung him and rushed off his palm in a frenzy, landing in the water again. The traveller yelped in pain, but his mind was calm.

Knowing the scorpion could drown, the man used his left hand to lift the scorpion out of water; however, it panicked and stung again.  Once again, it jumped off his hand and landed in the water.  The man now had two hands singed with excruciating pain.

He tried again — this time, he cupped his hands together and lifted the scorpion in one swift movement.  Before it could react, he safely dropped it on the land.  The scorpion disappeared into the pebbles that lay near the bank.

At a distance, a young boy had watched this drama.  He now approached the traveller and said, “There was no need to save the scorpion — it does no good to anybody; however, if you must try to save him out of compassion, you could have tried only once.  I’m surprised that even after it ungratefully stung you, you persisted with your efforts.  Why?  How come you did not just stomp on it after it stung you?”

The traveller replied “The scorpion's nature is to sting, to panic, to harm.  It is known for not exhibiting any compassion, but I strive to love unconditionally.  Because the scorpion will not change its basic nature, should I allow it to change me, to throw me off my principles?  When I am true to my nature, my experience of inner peace is always my guaranteed reward."

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Reply by notexpectingthis, on Wed Sep 12, 2012 4:26 pm

I loved that story three!

Reply by budd002, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:18 am

This reminds me allot of my life. Only difference is that I felt I was the damaged one. I pushed my husband away. That was 10 years ago. Although he was the one trying to convince me to stay, in my own mind I was no longer any good and he deserved a better woman, a complete woman.

Over the last 10 years he has still remained a good friend. of course that took a long time to come. I honestly couldn't have been happier since he and I split up. I am grateful for his friendship now.

Over the yeas we were together he was verbally abusive toward me and when we would fight he said some very hurtful things to me that have left deeper scars than the operations.

Let him go! Remember what goes around comes around. There IS someone out there for you that will love you and accept your ostomy.

it really would be a shame if a bottle of bleach were to spill all over his clothes though hahahaha. Oops did I type that out loud??

Stay strong and keep living your life. He's NOT WORTH your tears and undeserving of them! The hurt goes away.

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Reply by rond76, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:31 am

i am a man and he didnt just start cheating hun he used you as a excuse so dont worry your better off

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Reply by rond76, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:34 am

if you wanna chat email me **** am in georgia

Reply by tif-tif, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 9:17 am

Im so sorry to hear about your husband. Keep ypour head up! Its his loss! You have a lot to be thankful for. Prayers go out to you.

Reply by bmeup, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:45 am

Hi Leah, I am so sorry to read that you have been treated so badly. I know it feels like a punch in the gut, but you'll catch your breath and carry on. I must offer a different take on this, though. I know the first response from caring friends is usually to say there will come another better person for you in the future. For many years early in my marriage I wanted children and could not get my husband to go along with the idea. He always wanted to talk about it later. Around the age of 35 I decided with myself that I was no longer going to keep that wish alive. I began to search for ways to replace my desire for children with other meaningful activities. It worked and by the time I entered law school at age 39 I was quite comfortable with the idea of never being a mother and having fun being the cool aunt to my nieces and nephews. Well, wouldn't you know while still in first year courses I became pregnant! Totally unplanned and unexpected. He turned out to be the greatest blessing of my life. I did not finish law school and I am now divorced. Life is still difficult, but it's better than it would have been had I stayed married to a person who no longer loved me. My friends have all said to me many times "you'll find someone better". The best thing for me has been to let go of that idea entirely. In much the same way I did years before I got pregnant, I have consciously trained my mind on the thought that there actually may not be someone for me and that's okay. I have many things and people in my life who fill my heart with joy and show me every day how much they appreciate the fact that I am alive and still here with them. I know how heart breaking it is to be rejected by someone you've loved for a long time, but the heart is a healer and mends itself. Just let it do its job and keep your mind focused on the love you receive from better, kinder people. Bless you, Dear and peace on you. Big hugs!

Reply by single in wisconsin, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 12:55 pm

HI, sorry about your husband cheating on you. It so hard to go on because the why will not be answered trust me i know i caught my husband in bed and the woman was wearing my clothes and anwered the door turned around and said to my husband its your wife at the door he had changed the locks on the door i had our daughter who was then two , she became pregnant when he said he didnt want any more kids , i divorsed him and he didnt stay with her either i was better off without him he is on his six wife he will never change and it wasnt my fault just like it isnt you fault . love iwll come again and your heart will never forget but it will heal. God bless you .

Reply by C Cogan, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:38 pm

HI Leah: What a horrible, selfish man. You are well rid of him. Keep your chin up and stay strong. My husband left me years ago with six children ages 3 to 13, and no money. Everything will work out. My thoughts are with you. Blessings, Cynthia

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Reply by leah, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:01 pm

hi everyone thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support,
i have to be honest and say im having a hard time,i dont understand,
but im keeping busy with my work and spring cleaning the house as theres lots of space now hes taken lots of stuff, he has taken one of my pets too,
he spent a hour on the phone the other night telling me how im one lifes good ones and he never ment to hurt me, and that hes sorry, i stayed strong and said yes too good for you and hung up, i think i will sell my house and move after christmas,
i think im looking forward to my new life,
once again thank you, im sorry many of you have been through the same thing,
life can be cruel cant it?

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Reply by janee, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:07 pm

Hi Leah
After reading your blog, I just had to reply. I stayed with my husband for 7 years after my ostomy. He just couldn't handle it and was nasty to me on many occasions. I finally after counselling decided that I did not wish to spend the rest of my life feeling that I had to apologise for being an ostomate. I was married to this man for almost 41 years! I asked for a divorce almost 2 years ago, and I can tell you now, that was the right thing to do. I met the loveliest man eight months ago and he is loving, compassionate and understanding of my ostomy. I wanted to let you know that like me you are better off without someone who cannot support you. There will always be that wonderful man out there for you I am sure. Love Janee XX

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Reply by bubby, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:23 pm

what a low life. Love, war, is the same. Why do nice women dig men like that? see it on all levels. You are better off, Primeboy is right.

Reply by PRIVACY, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 10:53 pm

Hi Leah .

Good to see that you are being strong hard as it is , don't be to haste in selling the house as it is an asset .I know it is filled with memories but just think before you sell if you dont have to sell then keep it if you can , yes you are one of life's good ones but obviously he was blind to see it and opened his eyes else where and found a naked bimbo and I bet he did not tell her anything we all say we did not mean to hurt people but we do no matter who it is the thing is we all dont consider the implications when we do things its all a matter of sitting down and working things out together yes life is full of ups and downs and you have had more than your fair share of them and you did not bargain for this nor your illness but you got through your illness and you will get through this little bump in the road to your new life which is just going to begin and get stronger for you , actually maybe selling the house might be a good things as new beginning and new area but just work it out carefully as it can be a mistake sometimes in moving away best of luck and keep smiling

Reply by Dalai Momma, on Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:21 pm

Hi Leah, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. I wanted to tell you that my best friend caught her husband having an affair. She was perfectly healthy but was shocked to learn that he had been cheating on her during her pregnancy with their third child, which was his desire to have. The ordeal was Ugly and he left her and his three young children for the other woman. For years afterward, my friend went on a personal tirade against herself, always questioning what she had done wrong and was convinced that she must be unloveable if "even her own husband didn't love her." The truth is that people have their own stuff going on inside-hidden from everyone else. This was totally a him thing and not a her thing. Today, he lives miserably with this other woman who berates, judges and dominates him. My friend, though still very hurt inside lives however a great life and has grown to love herself again. You hold on girlie. I doubt that he despises you. He probably despises himself. Whatever you do, don't forget that life is precious and your odds of even being on this planet are about a Gazillion to one. You made it this far-have faith that this pain will be replaced with love in your future. Peace robin

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Reply by eastexasrn, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 5:50 am

i cant tell u how mad this made me! i agree with everyone else on here and u have surely received some wonderful advice! The man would have nothing left to come and get if it were my house...except maybe a few ashes! Karma will c that he gets his...its just too bad u cant b there to watch it! He needs an ass whoopin'! Wished he were here in texas so i could give it to him! After the devastation, u will get angry....then u will get over his sorry butt and on to something much better. everything happens for a reason, i believe. you may not c it now, but just wait and i bet u might b pleasantly surprised. sorry u had to go thru this. but at least u found out before he possibly gave u a disease from the other women! He did u a favor in the end.

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Reply by leah, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:45 am

aw thank you all again for your very kind words,and advice,
im not sure if i have given the wrong impression of my hubby,
but he wasnt a bad person,
even after 10 years he still opened doors for me ,pulled a chair out for me ect, and we never ever argued, i think this why im confussed,

i found the pictures and emails on his pc the day before our holiday,
i decided to still go on the cruise with him because ,well for one i paid for it and two he said he would go on his own if i didnt go, (ha i could just see him riding the seas like a king without me there,),i think what made my up that i couldnt continue with him was because he was being so nice to me, it was creepy ,(hard to explain) i felt sick when he would put his hand on my back to escort me out of the lift or off the ship.
he thinks we should still be friends but i really want cut all ties with him,

and yes i wish i had it in me to kick his ass and empty the house ,
but i havnt,

privacy, i was only thinking of selling my house because id like to go back to shipley ,
its only 10mins away but its where i lived for years and loved it,
i only moved here because he wanted to be out in the wilds of yorkshire,(cold and hills).
leah x

Reply by eastexasrn, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 8:59 am

i say cut all ties...he is just keeping you for whenever those youngsters ditch him! dont settle for that! if your instinct tells you "creepy" and uneasy feeling with this "nice guy", there is a reason!!! good thing you didnt "slip off the side of the boat" is all i gotta say! cut the ties and get rid of any and everything that belongs to him! easier to get over them when outta site and outta mind. i would also not let him know of a new address....at least not for a good while. good luck and best wishes with this!

Reply by Past Member, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:15 am

it can't be good if you're creeped out.

Reply by leah, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 9:20 am

Thank you Eastexasrn.
your right,i think id already my mind up to stop all dealings with him,
i printed off his emails before he changed his password,
and with every one i read i disslike him that little bit more,
they go back for nearly a year

when i would ask him what he was doing on the internet at night ,he would always say
he was playing internet backgammon or playing poker,
leah,

Reply by eastexasrn, on Tue Sep 18, 2012 2:42 pm

yea..lie,cheat, and he ptobably would even steal at this point! U didnt deserve this....and r too good to waste time on him. like they always say....love/attention that u must chase after and is not given freely just aint wrth having!

Reply by renee851, on Wed Sep 19, 2012 12:41 pm

I am so sorry for your loss and hurt. I bet he was doing these things before your operation but now is using it as an excuse. You don't need such a self-centered person in your life. Rely of friends right now. They will provide you with a lot more comfort.

I'm devastated

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