Hi leah ~ your situation and feelings remind me of a story I heard a long time ago:
Once upon a time a traveller came across a shallow river he had to cross. Just when he was about to wet his feet, he saw a scorpion trying to get out of the river. It was near the bank but unable to gain hold of the ground. He picked up the scorpion in his right palm with the intention to place it on the dry surface, but the scorpion stung him and rushed off his palm in a frenzy, landing in the water again. The traveller yelped in pain, but his mind was calm.
Knowing the scorpion could drown, the man used his left hand to lift the scorpion out of water; however, it panicked and stung again. Once again, it jumped off his hand and landed in the water. The man now had two hands singed with excruciating pain.
He tried again — this time, he cupped his hands together and lifted the scorpion in one swift movement. Before it could react, he safely dropped it on the land. The scorpion disappeared into the pebbles that lay near the bank.
At a distance, a young boy had watched this drama. He now approached the traveller and said, “There was no need to save the scorpion — it does no good to anybody; however, if you must try to save him out of compassion, you could have tried only once. I'm surprised that even after it ungratefully stung you, you persisted with your efforts. Why? How come you did not just stomp on it after it stung you?”
The traveller replied “The scorpion's nature is to sting, to panic, to harm. It is known for not exhibiting any compassion, but I strive to love unconditionally. Because the scorpion will not change its basic nature, should I allow it to change me, to throw me off my principles? When I am true to my nature, my experience of inner peace is always my guaranteed reward."