J-Pouch Failure & Fear of Isolation: Gay Man's Dilemma



I'm 24 and have been fighting this decision since I was 16. I'm really scared. I never thought I would have this type of life and it's hard enough being gay.

But now they are telling me this might be my only choice and if that's the case, what's the point really? Gay men are fickle, I know I'll never find someone who truly loves me if I go through with this. All gay men are supposed to have abs, great looks.

I'm scared that once I do this, I'll be alone for the rest of my time here.

Past Member

Hey, Blake, have you tried this website? http://www.glo-uoaa.org/ Maybe they can help. Everyone is scared and while I can't say that I know what is going through your mind, I just want you to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And who says that gay men can't look great. (Hey, I may be old but I can look!) http://jezebel.com/male-body-building-model-shows-off-his-colostomy-bag-1615516576 Please, if you have any real thoughts of depression, please seek help! You do not have to be a victim. After your surgery, you can be a role model. Take care and let me know how it goes! ;

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Hi Blake,

You are not alone!! I'm not a gay young man. Actually, I'm an "old" straight female (66) but I got sick with Ulcerative Colitis when I was 12, and had my first (ileostomy) surgery when I was 15. I had been so sick that I was grateful for the surgery, and the fact that I could go back to "real life". It also helped that my parents forced me to attend Ostomy Association meetings where I met other young people. We actually formed our own Young adult group, so that we could hang out and discuss issues important to us...dating, sex.

Don't you think young straight girls are sure that those handsome young men want girls with beautiful "perfect" bodies? Actually, I don't think any young woman thinks she has a "perfect body".

To be honest, some people, gay or straight, are looking for what they perceive as "perfection".

But my surgery was a matter of life or death. And even at my young age, I knew that life was a more important choice, and anyone who was going to be so shallow as to not want me because of my imperfect body...well then that person wouldn't be for me.

I'm not telling you it's easy, but I dated nice "young" men back then. For some, it was a problem...and for others, it wasn't. I married, had two children, divorced, and am back out in that dating scene again, for the last 20 years. And as I found "back then", my ostomy matters to "some" and not to others. Frankly, I think my weight is more of an issue than my surgery.

I think it would be somewhat the same in the gay community. I do know that before you can expect anyone else to accept your "imperfections", you have to be okay with yourself.

I have a friend (who went through the same thing I did) who truly believes that if she had been able to wear a "neat little bikini", she would have been a lot happier in her life. Sigh... She was a beautiful, tall, athletic, active teen/woman, and was able to wear a two-piece...with an ostomy. But it wasn't the bikini she dreamed of. Like me, she is 66, and is still lamenting that old "song". So sad really... I wish you the best... Reach out to others in the gay community, and you'll probably find there are people who are going through the same things you are. "Disease" doesn't really play "favorites". Stay in touch, reach out, ask questions, and ask for help when you need it. We try to be there for those who ask.


I've had a bag for a long time (since I was in my teens). I've also been with a lot of men and women in my life.

Truthfully? Yes, some guys will reject you because of the bag. But they will also reject you because you have black hair, you're too skinny, too heavy, too small endowed or drive a Chrysler.

But I've been with more people who didn't reject me than the ones who passed on meeting me (or decided not to go further with me).

All I can say is get comfortable with it, be upfront about it and you will do fine (unless you drive a Chrysler).


I know what you mean. I feel the same way. I had a 30" waist before this and now I have scars all over my belly. I'm hoping to meet someone that is in the same situation because I don't think I would feel comfortable naked with another guy unless he has an ostomy. I need to get myself to some kind of support group or something. Don't want to be alone either.


Stories of Living Life to the Fullest from Ostomy Advocates I Hollister

Hi Blake,

Being an ostomate, especially a youthful one with energy, I thought you might find this guy inspiring. He is for real an ostomate and has only worked to look like this after becoming an ostomate. So if you change your mind about yourself to a CAN DO, then you can too! :))) By the way, his name is Blake too!



Hello, I am 24. I had UC but now have an ileostomy. :)

Now I am not a gay man, but I am a lesbian. However, I felt exactly the same way you do. I also had some terrible dates and some very hard and sometimes horrible knockbacks. But 2 years ago, I started dating Katy and we are still together now... It amazes me every day that she is still with me, let alone not bothered by any of it! She even ran yesterday to get me new trousers and tops when my bag leaked at work!!

It is tough. We all know it's tough. But there is always going to be good, caring, and open-minded people that don't care. They will just accept you for you and love you.

So keep smiling because after everything we fight every day, it is worth it in the end. :)


Hi Blake .... I'm also gay and had to have an ileostomy. When you meet the right person, it won't matter. I thought the same way you do because looks are so important in the gay community, but I found that people were a lot more sympathetic than I thought.


It is embarrassing to us because we think of ourselves as freaks. We have to get past that, everyone has value. Anyone who would reject you because you have an ostomy, wouldn't really love you anyway. Looks are fleeting even with plastic surgery (and I have seen some excellent work). Sometimes I wish I would have had an ostomy when I was still young. It would have weeded out the people who only wanted to be with me because of my looks. Cheap meaningless sex is not all it is cracked up to be. Find someone who really loves you and the rest will fall into place. Keep the faith, learn to love yourself, your new self. Good luck to you.


I agree that some people will not accept the bag, but some will. I think it is a blessing to find "more spiritual" loving partners than surface flash and temporary infatuation. It can be positive.

aliveand well

Quite the worry, the appliance will be fine and so will you. Not being gay, I don't understand, but I can tell you that the women don't mind and are very kind about it. It's life. Tell these guys to go up.

For what it's worth,


Aileen green

Hi, I thought the same way. I'm not gay but I've had a colostomy and an ileostomy, I'm getting married this Aug 2015. He loves me just the way I am, crazy huh. But true. You'll find someone, I'm sure!! Hang in there!!!

Aileen green

Hi, I thought the same way. I'm not gay but I've had a colostomy and an ileostomy, I'm getting married this Aug 2015. He loves me just the way I am, crazy huh. But true. You'll find someone, I'm sure!! Hang in there!!!

aliveand well

Hey Blake,

Have no fear, because fear will take you out, do what you need to be complete again and trust me all will fall into place.


Don't worry, this problem affects all, and I know there will be someone out there that you will meet and all will be good!


Aileen green

You'll find someone, don't worry! I thought the same way. I'm not gay but it doesn't matter what your sexual preference is, we all need to find someone who loves us and not what our bodies look like. I have, and I have both a colostomy and an ileostomy. And it hasn't been easy, easier on my spouse than me. I'm the one who needs to not be so preoccupied with what I have to deal with. He's fine with everything.


It has been sometime but I just had my final surgery at Stanford by the grace of God, I just googled gay ostomy and found something I forgot I wrote.

I finally read all of your comments and tears welled as I realized there is hope for human kindness and us all coming together.

I might not be ready to be with someone as I'm not 100% comfortable but I have less of a fear so thank all of you.


Thank the Lord I don't have a Chrysler than lol

You made me laugh thank you

Past Member

I feel for you, had my surgery two years ago, had to retire, honestly life sucks sometimes, lol... I do miss certain things I can no longer do, but I'm committed to finding activities to replace them... I still love a good movie, my nephew's nieces still love their uncle, one of them is fascinated by my bag, lol she always lifts my t-shirt to examine it, God bless her.

Past Member

God bless her, lol

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