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Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:10 pm
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Hi y'all....I thought I was dealing with all this just fine and then about a week ago, I started crying about everything! I am not a cryer and I feel so out of control and sad.
I made an appt. with a shrink but I even feel embarrassed about that. Only my kids and boyfriend know, haven't told my Mom or sister or anyone else.
Am I crazy?? Why am I crying NOW...7 weeks after it all?????  HELP....
love, & many thanks, Hannah
These are the top 5 issues ostomates face:

1. Dating and relationships
2. Concealing the pouch
3. Foods to eat and avoid
4. Losing or gaining weight
5. Pouch ballooning

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Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:36 pm
Whats brought this on Tx, I know at times it's hard to deal with going from whats percieved as normal to being different from everyone else. but the greatest thing is if you had not had your surgery you would still be sick. Try to figure out what brought this on. Has someone said something unknowingly? have you had an accident in public with your appliance? Or is it just that your fed up with having to deal with bag changes, empptying more often and not feeling "normal'. I'm just trying to help here with thte issues I have gone through. believe me even though at times I get fed up with it the mere fact I,m alive and well because of my Ileostomy is far better than the alternative. Cheer up TX I understand your feeling like this and it's quite alright. Just don't let it drag you down to the depths of misery. That road is way too long and painful to drag yourself along before you get back to happy. Big hugs from me Tx, feel the emotions but try and deal with them with strength and tenacity.

More Hugs

Past Member
Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:19 pm
Believe me Hannah, this is completely normal, I went through the exact same thing after my ileo surgery last year, it is to be expected to feel some sense of depression after any sort of major surgery regardless of what it is.  I was perfectly fine with the acceptance of having to wear a bag for the rest of my life, unlike yourself I had a lot of time pre-surgery to think about everything and was quite happy with my decision.  I don't believe my depression had anything to do with that, could have been for the first time in about years wasn't relying on cortisone to see me through the day, and my only natural "moods" and hormones were kicking in!  But yes, would cry at the drop of a hat (which was most unusual for me), and just had a sense of being so overwhelmed by day to day life.
Hannah, it does pass, I honestly think it's just part of a natural cycle, and girl just think of what you have been through!  You are amazing!  Just give it time and you will be fine!  Words that probably don't be helping now but in the meantime you have us all to help you through! (and please be telling your family, mine helped me through my sads!).
Big hugs and kisses from Oz, Jo.
Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:21 pm
Aw Hannah, sweetie pie ... hug  I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  Please understand there is nothing wrong with crying, sometimes it is a necessary release ....brought on by very natural emotions, stress and grief.  That doesn't mean there is something 'wrong' with you ...that is not the case dear.  

You have gone through traumatic experiences and from time to time your body, mind, and 'spirit' will be affected in different ways.......totally normal hun.   It happens to me too and I have had my ostomy for 33 years and though you might not hear me mention it often, I fall into very deep shadows with it, many times I absolutely lose control and cannot pick myself matter how hard I try to re-direct my thoughts ...and no matter what I do.  This is when I usually run and hide from everyone and everything.  That is not a healthy thing to do, it's much better to stay social during those I am guilty of taking the wrong road.   Keep the appointment with your counselor, psychiatrist or whatever status he has.....he may not be able to fix your situation...that which brings on the feelings of sadness and depression....but he may be able to offer you grief 'tools' and different helpful methods of dealing with those hard times....good girl for reaching out!!  You did the right thing honey, by posting in here too!  Smile  We understand, even those who may not reply to this post DO read your words and they understand....each of us have our own 'demons' that drag us down from time to time.

Even if you feel like you're in it're long as you continue to allow us into your life and situation, help and understanding is all around you.    Just don't do what I do and run from everyone.

Any time you need to talk, feel free to message me.  I don't have all the answers or solutions but I'm a good listener and I care SmileSmileSmile

You will be fine sweetie.................let the sadness pass................far more good things, happy things, surround you than that bad junk.........I bet if you sit down with paper and pen and make two lists......."What makes me Happy"   and "What things make me sad"   you can break things down a bit and try to stay focussed on that happy list and remain influenced by what is on that list.......   Keep lots of bright colored lights around you and stay as physically active as possible.   ...and as far as your sad list is concerned, try to deal with only one thing at a time, find a way to accept or overcome, one at a time, at least some of the things that might be on that list....don't focus on them all at once, too overwhelming.  Baby steps honey.   It's OK. Smile

You take care sweetie!  All will be well!!   Listen to your little 'know-it-all' smart @ss Sistah Doe! LOL
Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:50 pm
Good Evening
I don't know why but I get down around the holidays...
I have an idea why but not sure
The holidays are stressful.
Hope you feel better by the time you read this.
Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:35 am
Hi Hannah.  I know exactly what you are saying.  I too thought I was doing fine and then the sadness came upon me.  I've always been very upbeat and positive and the one that always lifts everyone else up.  But, two and a half years after the surgery, I am still struggling with the emotional part of the ostomy.  I thought I would have gotten to a point where I could accept this change and go on but apparently I haven't made it there yet.  One thing I have noticed, is that there seems to be an acceptance and grievance process that we go through with this change as we do with the death of someone we love.  About a month ago I did make a choice to see a counselor and try to get some help.  Don't be embarrassed if you need to do that.  That's what they are trained for.  You've really got some good advice and wisdom that has been shared with you.  You just keep that strong TX strength about you and know you are not alone......there is always someone here to help out.
Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:32 am
Thank you all for the wonderful words of encouragement. It means the world to me.

I am wondering if maybe I am just now starting to realize and deal with my situation.
Since the shock of having an ostomy after my "routine" hysterectomy, which by the way in the surgeon's note, "went well with NO COMPLICATIONS" I had to focus on was the PHYSICAL pain of all of the surgeries; now that has subsided a bit, I have begun to recognize my emotional pain...? who knows, maybe I'm smart enough and I don't need that shrink after all. lol

Thanks again guys...Much love n' hugs...Hannah
Sat Dec 12, 2009 4:37 am
Yesterday was the 17th year to the day when my Dad died - I was 8 months pregnant at the time and just did not have the time to deal with it - it is only now after having another child who is now 15, and after my 11 years of health 'issues' that I am seeing a psychotherapist who is actually trying to help me deal with all these emotions along with the thoughts about my health at the moment and my upcoming surgery and whether to have a permanent ileo or colostomy when (rather than 'if', it appears) my fistula repair is unsuccessful. (However I'm off to London for a very costly 3rd and final opinion from someone who deals with problems like mine but from the gynae angle - will keep you posted!)

There are days when I could just sit and cry all day - I used to be an intelligent, working, strong, healthy and fit(ish), person, and in those 11 years I have gradually become the opposite due to a mixture of depression, drug side effects and other health issues which have all come along as a result of a very small hole which will not heal. I can no longer walk far, I hurt most of the time, my short term memory has been shot out of me - my motto, 'I look like shit, I feel like shit and half the time I'm covered in shit' is very often the case, BUT, I haven't been 'really sick' like a lot of you, initially I was just inconvenienced, but with all the surgery I've had my body has just reacted and fallen apart........

I know, its just normal to feel like that, its a grieving process - I had adapted to how I am and tried to make the most of what I can do,  now it looks as though the process will have to start all over again - (my situation was supposed to have been temporary) as permanancy is looking increasingly likely.

Sorry, I'm rambling, not sure any of that makes sense, but things are getting a little better since talking it over with someone, so Hannah, I do hope that helps, it is normal, you aren't crazy and I am sure that most of us have been there! Hugs from the UK xxx
Sat Dec 12, 2009 9:38 am
Hi Hannah!!!

Hang in there, beautiful girl!!!!!!!   You are not alone and you WILL get over this depression. I think the Holidays and cold weather affect many of us in that way....  
You've been through so much ( and every time I think of your 'routine' exam, I want to strangle your surgeon).... Oh my, I had better calm down Wink   The journey will not be easy but you are strong...that's very clear to me, based on your story.

I hope this day brings you joy!!!!  You deserve it!

Sending a Hug to you....

Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:44 pm
Hannah, another thing that you are dealing with because of the hysterectomy is the hormone changes that have taken place in your body.  I am 50 now, in menopause and because of my cancer, I cannot take any kind of hormone replacement.  I have highs and lows.......sometimes so tense and nervous.  It's an emotional rollercoaster at times.  I do pray you are feeling better soon.  You are such a beautiful young lady with a lovely personality.  I think everyone on this site could vouch for that.  Sometimes I have to look at this as if it has been one of my things in life to go through in hopes that I can help someone else going through the same.  Stay strong TXGirl!
Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:37 pm
You are absolutely normal to cry.  I think it is a kind of "post traumatic stress shock."  Your appointment with a doctor is the best thing to do.  I am sure you will find understanding and concern and help there.
Today I fell out of my "mood swing."  I am not crying but my heart is aching and I just want to curl up and mope.  I feel the need for a man to love me, hold my hand, and let me lean on his shoulder.  Sadly, there is no man in my life and I just hurt inside.  It could be related to my ostomy or the Christmas season and being a widow for sixteen years.
I hope in a few days we will both feel better.  Keep your chin up.
Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:10 pm
Dear, dear Hannah, it causes me great sorrow to hear you are having this episode at this time in your life, but Hannah your body has gone through some terrific trauma and for this to happen is expected, it happens to most people. It took six months for it to hit me, and I went through hell, couldn't understand why it was happening now, so dear girl, you are not alone, and you can see by the replies that we're all pulling for you and I hope in some small way it brings you some comfort, you have made many friends here and it was smart of you to let us know how you were feeling, this will pass Hannah, have no doubt about that, we are always here for you, I feel so inadequate, but I think you'll know what I'm trying to say. Try to keep smiling, Dr. Ed
Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:41 pm
I know how you feel. I had surgery in May and still cry whenever I see myself in the mirror. I morn the person I used to be, feel ugly and just hate it in general. I feel alone,   lost, and with no hope alot of the time. I am working on trying to do better. My  boyfriend left me in April before my last surgery. I dont like having to deal with this every day, I want my life back  but know it just isnt gonna happen. I feel like an invalid most of the time. I have two bags, hate both of em. Plus I developed a fissure,a hole in my intestine where crap drains out of it and out my new vagina, which they took the old one out. I really didnt have it made just for that reason. My pee side needs a revision, the stoma healed inside instead of out, so in Jan I have to have it revised. I may have to even have the hole in my intestine fixed too, and soon. I have 3 exits now, not a good thing. I may have to have a CT next week at Vanderbilt to see where the fissure is. My Dr will have to go in there and cut the two ends and put them together. I like to think this feeling will pass, I have pills to help it but hate to take em. Christmas is coming and I am lonesome for the way it used to be. Hang in there, that is what I am doing, at least you do have your boyfriend...merry Christmas,,,Jeanie in Georgia
Sat Dec 12, 2009 2:49 pm
I know how you feel also, my boyfriend texted me breaking up with me after my hysterectomy and before my total pelvic everation,,,,,where they took most everything out. I had a vagina reconstructed by a plastic guy but developed a fissure and it drains thru the vagina, made its own opening, so now I have 3 exits. I have two bags plus the opening that drains bowl. I will have to have surgery to correct it. Which I dread. I have had enough hospital stays this year. I morn who I was last year and miss being a family. Christmas makes it worse I think. I know I am lucky to be alive b ut it still hurts, as you know. I have to go to Vanderbilt next wk for a CT for fissures. I know she will want to do surgery and I just pray I am home for Christmas. I have been back at work for 9 wks and HAVE to work. SO I will be off another 6 wks. Last year at this time I had no clue. I had an abnormal pap smear, cervical cancer stage II. Did not react to chemo or ratiation, then a hysterectomy, no luck still, then a total pelvic everation in Nashville, still have cancer cells  but no tumor. Thank Jesus. I guess I am a time bomb, it can happen anywhere, so I just take it a day at a time. Have a merry Christmas, I know we miss having someone love us and hold us...but maybe with Gods grace it will happen just one more time...Jeanie in Georgia
Sat Dec 12, 2009 3:59 pm
Hey Tx,, How ya feelin today. Just a thought,, when I get down and angry etc I go do a thunp boxing class. You only need pout in the effort you want but man it releases some emotional energy. And I just noticed i can feel my rib cage so its helped my weight loss. Just a thought to help you along,, hugs to you from the good part of Oz,,

Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:11 pm
Wow, this is tough  I've had mine 30 years, went to one local meeting and everyone was headed to the bar.  The stress is terrible mental and physical,  just remember that you loose alot of fluid and vitiams  easily, so vitiam D really helps since there's not alot of sunshine this time of year.  a couple of beers or a glass of wine helps, but the BIGGIST help is talking about it.  Been through 2 marriages and kept it all inside,  if you have someone who understands ( or tries ) and is there for you, you've got 95% of it made!
Sat Dec 12, 2009 9:03 pm
I just answered your post with my story. I am wondering....have any on you had anything from your rectum after having a diverting colostomy? I am paranoid about everything!!
Sat Dec 12, 2009 9:52 pm
OK, now Hannah, by this time tomorrow, or the next day or so, we want to hear from you, and there is no need to expand, but we would like to know that you are feeling somewhat  better for talking to us, remember we are here to help and we understand what you are going through, we've all been down a road we never wanted to travel but the alternative is a no no, that's why we must not be afraid to look to one another in times such as what you're going through for a little understanding. Please let us know. Ed
Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:09 pm
why on earth is this dumb thing highlighted?? anyway, lol, to Ed, Doe, Texasgirl, MMSH, Gus, Jo, Sharon, Maryallison,Jeanie & harley...I please hope I didn't leave anyone out. If I did, it wasn't intentional, please forgive me.
I cannot say how very much your words meant to me when I checked back and read your replies. Needless to say, I cried, lol, not because I was ALREADY crying mind was so touching to thik that there are people all the world who care enough to take the time out of their own lives to respond to my silly post.
I always try and minimize my stuff and I will discuss that with the but I read the trials many of you have gone through and I feel like I should delete my posts. lol
I have said before how brave you all are and how much respect I have for you all.
I still have one ovary, that is the ONLY thing the doctor did correctly, so no menopaus yet. I DO however have my 40th Birthday on Christmas day...YAY ME....I do have a lawyer so we shall see what takes place...I got out of the house today and that was good. It did make me feel good to read the nice things everyone wrote.   I am supposed to be able to get a reversal in 6 months but I am so worried I'll go in for it and they will say they can't do it because that doctor messed something up when he stirred up my insides with his SCALPEL O'
Love all y'all....Hannah
Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:18 pm
I like to see those LOL's in your post and it was not a silly post at all.  You've been there to lift us all up and I thank you for that.  We on this site have a common bond and it's a strong one!  So what ya say, Group Hug???????????
Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:09 am
Sun Dec 13, 2009 1:03 am
[quote="TexasGirl"]I like to see those LOL's in your post and it was not a silly post at all.  You've been there to lift us all up and I thank you for that.  We on this site have a common bond and it's a strong one!  So what ya say, Group Hug???????????[/quote]

Doe comes sliding through the door like Kramer from Seinfeld

Someone say "Group Hug" ??  SmileSmileSmile
Sun Dec 13, 2009 1:27 am
lmao @ so sirry!!!!
Sun Dec 13, 2009 2:14 am
---- tries to keep his hands to hi self in the group hug,,,,,,,,,,,,,, GROUP hug,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hehehe keep ya chin up girl,
Sun Dec 13, 2009 7:58 am
YEA!!!!!!!  The fog is lifting for our sweet Hannah!!!!   Big GROUP HUG!!!!!!!!!

How cool is that???  to have a birthday on Christmas day????    bang bang bang, yippeee, yahoo!!!!!   (my (e)version of fireworks Smile  )

Take one day at a time and keep you HEAD centered on positive thoughts!   Try not to be afraid of your reversal....It's an amazing blessing to even have that option..I thank God every day for that blessing!!!! ...I now know many people who have had very positive and favorable results from their ostomy reversal.  Mine is scheduled for the end of Feburary and I visualize the successful results every day.....just like I visualized the tumor being shrunk and removed from my body. I turned my fears into energy that actually helped me to heal and reach for the next golden ring.

Hang in there...btw, I left my phone number in an email to you....  Don't ever hesitate to call me for support.  ...and good for you..finding a lawyer. Smile

Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:34 pm
Tx:  I was reading your post and I don't know anything about your circumstances but I have one to.  I feel that you are lucky to be able to cry as it is a cleansing process as well.  To this day I have not cryed but have been to hell and back several times.  I have wished so many times that I could have a good tearfall.  If you choose not to discuss this with your family I understand that totally.  My son is 39 yrs. of age and I cannot talk to him about what I am feeling.  He just can see how sick I am and it hurts him.  I hope that each day you will get better and the tears will stop.  I truly believe what you are experiencing is part of the healing process.  Take care dear as you are not alone.
Sun Dec 13, 2009 3:53 pm
Gus: Oh behave!!  lmao *my best Austin Powers inpersonation*

Sharon: I so appreciate your email & number, I will be using it for sure! I still feel sad and down but getting on here several times a day sure makes a difference. Y'all make me laugh and smile and realize it is ok to be upset and cry and grieve my life prior to this.

Lisa: I will be saying a prayer for you as well Lisa. It's so hard to give yourself over to sadness and I think sometimes, we are still in a form of shock.

Love to all y'all......Hannah

P.S. Gus, my niece lives in Austrailia. We are from Texas and she met her hubby when he was working on a horse ranch in Texas. She LOVES it in Austrailia!!
Sun Dec 13, 2009 4:48 pm
Hi again Hannah, its nice to know we are easing some of your discomfort, and be sure to take up Sharon's offer, I'm sure you will find her a tower of strength and understanding and we will be here to help bring a smile or two. Sadly I'm running out of good jokes but you'll find many who will fill in. Take care as your friends are only a keyboard away. Ed
Sun Dec 13, 2009 8:43 pm
That's a girl Hannah!!  I love hearing you sound so bubbly!!  Smile
Mon Dec 14, 2009 2:27 am
tell me where Tx i might go harrass them. Am so glad your feelin better,, and a saying i love,, its not the size of the dog in the fight its the size of the fight in the dog. Stay strong now
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