1. Ever wonder about those people who spend
$2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards.
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee
Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys
it?
5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the
Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian
faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland
called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread
to
begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more
as they get older; then it dawned on me.... they're cramming for their
final
exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons
and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are
we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the
others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*********************************************
Question #1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Question #2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote
counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A -
Associates
with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two
mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates
would be your choice?
ANSWERS
Candidate A - is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B - is Winston Churchill.
Candidate - C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you
just
killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before
judging someone. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: - Amateurs
built the ark. - Professionals built the Titanic.
HERE IS ANOTHER !!! Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29 have been accused
of
spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of
writing bad cheques * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due
to
bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been
arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84
been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which
organization this is? Give up yet? It is the 535 members of the United
StatesCongress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new
laws
each year
$2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards.
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee
Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys
it?
5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as
the
Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian
faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland
called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread
to
begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more
as they get older; then it dawned on me.... they're cramming for their
final
exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons
and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are
we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the
others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*********************************************
Question #1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Question #2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote
counts.
Here are the facts about the three leading candidates: Candidate A -
Associates
with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two
mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate - He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
drinks
an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates
would be your choice?
ANSWERS
Candidate A - is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B - is Winston Churchill.
Candidate - C is Adolph Hitler.
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you
just
killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before
judging someone. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: - Amateurs
built the ark. - Professionals built the Titanic.
HERE IS ANOTHER !!! Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics: *29 have been accused
of
spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of
writing bad cheques * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due
to
bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been
arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84
been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can you guess which
organization this is? Give up yet? It is the 535 members of the United
StatesCongress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new
laws
each year
