I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of bladder cancer in August of 2015. I have since had 13 surgeries my bladder prostate and a bunch of lymph nodes removed. I went through BCG treatments and grew allergic to it. In between I had another back surgery. I have a urostomy now, I used to be a avid runner and worked out all the time. My big surgery was August 30th of 2016, 14 hours long in the Cleveland Clinic. Spent a couple weeks in the hospital had a blood transfusion, (was allergic to that). It has been a tough go for me to deal with all this, I have gone through a range of emotions, its like a bad roller coaster that wont end. I have felt ashamed, embarrassed, mad, sad, and depressed. I get mad at myself, for feeling this way because I should just be happy that I am alive. I cant get there yet. I hope to. I recently started counseling and mindfull meditation, I miss working my job was fun and exciting. I was a hostage negotiator and Gang Investigator for NYS. I miss it all. I am one to always set goals and achieve them, I was a very driven and focused person. I have slowed down a lot since this all happened, that is probably a good thing. I miss running and my back surgeon says no way to it, I drive by a bicycle store every day and think just do it. Get a bike and learn to love it, then I drive away. I feel I am in a RUT and I cant get out. I miss my life......that is my pity party. I needed to say that. Thanks to all who read it and understand.