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Meet and talk to 19,594 OstoMates.
Meet and talk to 19,594 OstoMates.

Masochism And The Ostomate

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  Past Member
Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 9:04 pm
Certainly makes for interesting (and strange) reading.  

I can't help but wonder though if the reason for your ostomy is a self-inflicted one, and given that most folk on this site have an ostomy through no fault or action of their own (cancer, bowel disease, etc), why would you even want to share this information?

I think these lifestyles were kept underground for so many years for a reason, and it's hardly a "kink" as you call it, if it ruptures your bowel.
Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 12:50 pm
J.Maree ~

Interesting and strange?  Well, it *is* the Sex portion of the forum... Wink

Did my kinks cause my ruptured bowel?  It's a decent question, and one that's come up in a few venues.  What's the adage?  There's no problem so bad a little guilt won't make it worse?  My surgeon and primary physician knew about my masochism, and neither of them seemed to think it mattered, but maybe they dismissed it too readily.

Direct physical damage could be the culprit for colon damage, but the bowel rupture I experienced was in the sigmoid colon and involved an inflamed diverticula.  I suppose it's not flat-out impossible for an extreme S&M scene (with a large inserted item, say) to get that far inside the body, but it strikes me as unlikely.

Physical stress might be involved.  Certainly, during a scene I'm apt to tense my muscles -- but no more than a bodybuilder would, and for less time.  If a rise in blood pressure and physical stress were responsible for my ruptured bowel, it could happen to anybody -- or it could happen to me, but not at all in relation to a bdsm scene.

Why would I want to share the information?  Because I went looking for information, and I didn't find it.  I doubt that I'm the only person with a kink and a stoma.  Somebody on this forum might have been down this road already, but didn't say anything about it because she or he feared backlash.  Or somebody else might run into this problem and seek answers, and maybe this will help them.

Given that most folk here suffered this through no fault of their own...well, that's still only *most folk* and not *all folk.*  Does the small population of deserving ostomates somehow offend or marginalize the large population of those afflicted at random?  I doubt it.  Should those of us who do (or might) share some personal blame for our conditions slink off silently into the lurkers' corner?  I don't think so.

Even assuming that I suffered a ruptured bowel by using a Bowel Blaster 9000 (tm), so that I was beyond doubt directly responsible for my own damage, so what?  We all make mistakes, and we learn from them.  I'm hardly likely to use it again, nor am I apt to shut down masochism in my life; I'd need to find a safe way forward.

These lifestyles were kept underground for so many years for a reason, yes.  But it's hardly a good and defensible reason.

   - emc
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Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 2:14 pm

Your skill as a writer/communicator/educator is evident in the above post. I am curious about the steps you have taken to develop this skill, and I am posting these words in case you are open to sharing your story with everyone.  I will also send a message to your Inbox in case you'd prefer to only share it with the questioner.

  Past Member
Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 5:41 pm
Yes I'll agree to disagree, agree with the fact you're articulate and disagree with the fact that I will always think you're strange!  No worries, to use an old English expression "There is nowt as queer as folks!"

And because I enjoy a piss-take and believe even as an atheist you may end up on the pointy end of the pitchfork (which would probably be not a problem for you) to lighten the mood here's a bit of a laugh!
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:31 am

discipline carried to the nth degree.

I loved this comment: If Rowan Atkinson was the vicar I'd go back to church!

I too feel shaken every time I come back to this thread and see your photo, emc.  This can't be the only way you see yourself, can it?

Can we see you without the bloody welts?
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:07 pm
Three ~

Thanks, but there's no real story to how I learned to write.  The key is practice.  Know what you want to convey, then put down words to say exactly that.  Show the words to people, then ask what they took from it.  If there's a discrepancy between what you want to put down and what your readers pick up, try again.  (Try not to blame the reader for not getting it; the fault is almost always with the author.)

One easy way to fail at writing is to have an unconscious ulterior motive.  Suppose my real goal in my first post was to gain widespread acceptance for bdsm activities and lifestyles.  I might set out to write the post I made, but wind up nattering on for paragraphs about how safe dungeons are.  (Having multiple, unconscious ulterior motives would be even worse.)

   - emc
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:08 pm
J. Maree ~

Articulate and strange are perfectly accurate descriptors!  I've beenan atheist since forever, but I never thought about the potentialbenefits of being a masochistic one...

   - emc
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:15 pm
Pinky ~

Love that skit Smile

I do have other pictures of me, but I doubt they'd be lessshake-inducing.  You raise an interesting question: is this theonly way I see myself?  I might need to say yes to that.

I'm a massage therapist, and I focus on pain relief.  When I'm working, I'm focused on my client's body and bringing theirpain to an end.  I could get a stage a photo of me giving a massage toa model, but that would totally fail to depict how I see myself: myclient is the important one.

I write genrefiction, I study fiction writing, and I write articles about writing.  When I'm writing, I'm focused on my reader.  I want to give them thebest possible chance of understanding certain ideas.  A photo of me ata typewriter wouldn't show how I see myself, because my goal as awriter is to be totally transparent, to get out of the reader's way.

I'm a masochist, and my scenes are oh-so-rarely light ones.  As one of my sadists said, "This is all about you."  He was right. There's nobody else to whom I can fasten my attention.  There's nothingabstract with which to wrestle.  It's the one time that I'm all aboutmyself.

Those aremy self-definitions, and all of my goals (big and small) come fromthem.  These are the ways I see myself.

When I put my profile together, I almost didn't upload a photo at all. Then I did, because it was central to my purpose here.  It's notuncommon for folks to call themselves masochists because they enjoydoing a job nobody else likes, or because they insist on cookingThanksgiving dinner for the extended family, etc.  I feel that thereality of my masochism is integral to understanding my first post.

And, in another sense, this photo is a good one as a filter.  As unsettling as my bloody welts are, I can imagine that the content of some of my posts are a bit worse.  I've tried not to post gruesome details for the sake of grue, but...well, for some folks with powerful imaginations, less is more.  Would a photo of me as a smiling massage therapist be less disturbing when I'm writing about being whipped until I bleed?

   - emc
Posted: Tue Aug 31, 2010 5:29 pm
Thanks emc,

I have learned — and will continue to learn — more from your two paragraph answer to my question, than I could from a big, heavy book.
Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 8:29 pm
Would a photo of me as a smiling massage therapist be less disturbing when I'm writing about being whipped until I bleed?

To me, yes.  But I am naive.  I didn't even know about this stuff until I watched a documentary called "Fetish".  And I had to look up BDSM!    Wink
Posted: Thu Sep 02, 2010 12:06 am
I need to look up that documentary and check it out.  People get their initial exposure to bdsm from a myriad of sources, and having a grasp on what these sources have to say can be handy.  If all anybody knows about bdsm clubs comes from the occasion Law & Order episode, there are apt to be some misconceptions.

Hm.  That isn't to say that exposure to bdsm isn't going to be naturally off-putting to people.  I need to remember that.

When people ask about how I got where I am, I generally shrug andreply, "Don't ask me.  The nervous system came with the body."  My response to intense pain includes manic laughter.  This is not the response normal folks have.  Being averse to pain is normal, and the urge to save somebody else from painful experiences is both normal and noble.  If humanity weren't this way, we might not have survived.

Domestic abuse is often invisible.  Worse, the visible signs are often ignored.  This would appear to be changing, such that part of the standard intakes I've received now include asking about my personal safety at home.  I've had to field a number of cautious questions by nurses and doctors about my injuries, and I am flat-out delighted that they ask.  These questions suggest that at least some victims of domestic abuse are being found and helped.

So humanity has a heroic streak that wants to save people from harm, and our culture has come around to ferreting out hidden abuse.  These are good things.  But there's this sliver of the population -- the bdsm folks -- who trigger the heroic impulse when we really don't want to.  This puts the non-bdsm folks in a tough spot, needing to work through conflicting impulses.  On first exposure, a body could be forgiven for jumping to the heroic rather than that tolerant side of the line.

I try not to take people to task for making the heroic jump, and I try to ignore kneejerk hostility.  It's understandable.  And I try to patiently, and neutrally, offer a glimpse into my world.  I don't always succeed at that; to the extent that I've failed here, I apologize.  For everyone who has come this far, for everyone whose skin crawls a bit at my picture and yet continues to read, I thank you.

   - emc
Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:50 am
Hi emc - that documentary is actually called "Fetishes" and I saw it on Hulu.  While watching it, my predominant emotion was one of sadness.  No need to rush in and save anyone, but profound sadness at observing a pas-de-deux of shame and humiliation that has probably happened hundreds of times in that person's life.

I did think it was interesting how many of the clients were from professions such as stockbroker, banker, and other bastions of "power".

The mistresses seemed sad too.  None seemed to have a satisfying relationship outside work.
Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:30 pm
emc ~

On September 02 you wrote "When people ask about how I got where I am, I generally shrug and reply, "Don't ask me.  The nervous system came with the body."  My response to intense pain includes manic laughter.  This is not the response normal folks have.  Being averse to pain is normal, and the urge to save somebody else from painful experiences is both normal and noble."

Here's a question I have had since reading your words:

Would you have derived pleasure from going through your colostomy operation and post-op recovery without anesthesia or pain medication?
Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 10:04 pm
Three ~

I've wondered that, too.

Even the first incision would have been excrutiating.  The pain would have been off the charts, and I would have been hard to keep still.  But would I have liked it?  Probably, at least a little.  It would have been unwise: the surgeon would have had a tough time doing the job if I weren't at least unconscious.

I have been able to tell a difference between fun pain and miserable pain.  A lot of the debilitating effects of the ruptured bowel and the surgery were more miserable than fun.  That said, there were several incidents at the hospital that were fun (for at least short spans of time).  One nurse said to me, "Your screaming sounds like laughter."

   - emc
Posted: Fri Sep 03, 2010 10:09 pm
Pinky ~

I'll need to lookup hulu -- Netflix didn't have "Fetishes" available for online viewing.  Maybe I'll be able to talk more about the people interviewed after that.

   - emc
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