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What Is Wrong With Me???????????? :((((

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Posted by Faith4Today, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:26 pm
Beverly you have beautiful eyes, very nice skin and the most perfectly shaped lips I have ever seen.  You are probably quiet a bomb shell all dressed up.  Go with your daughter if you get a chance and pamper yourself with a manicure or let someone just wash your hair while you relax at a salon with your feet soaking. Go out for a girls night and forget the yesterdays troubles.  It always makes me feel alittle better.

Maybe we should call you lushish lips *I don't know if I spelled that right)   or bright eyes

What do you think friends can we give her a new name?
 
Reply by Past Member, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 10:40 pm
Hi Tiggy, Thankyou so much for your reply. Everything you said to me is 100 per cent correct!
Yes I have a fight and flight response. As soon as a man takes any interest in me I RUN and keep on running because I'm over being hurt all the time. And I'm very ashamed about how I look and I hate myself and alway's will no matter what!!! I'm in a very dark place right now,but dont know how to pull myself out of it???? I'm at the point that I dont even want to leave the house as I dont want people out there to see how much I'm hurting!!!! I give up.....

Beverley....  Thankyou again.....  xxxxxxx
 
Reply by Eddie80, on Tue Sep 21, 2010 11:04 pm
                                 
Faith4Today wrote:
Beverly you have beautiful eyes, very nice skin and the most perfectly shaped lips I have ever seen.  You are probably quiet a bomb shell all dressed up.  Go with your daughter if you get a chance and pamper yourself with a manicure or let someone just wash your hair while you relax at a salon with your feet soaking. Go out for a girls night and forget the yesterdays troubles.  It always makes me feel alittle better.

Maybe we should call you lushish lips *I don't know if I spelled that right)   or bright eyes

What do you think friends can we give her a new name?


Brighteyes is a good one!
 
Reply by KennyT, on Wed Sep 22, 2010 9:21 am
Beverley, Beverley, Beverley what are we going to do with you. It appears as all is lost and you are ready to give up totally.

It scares me to read of this dark place of which you speak because for reasons that are irrelevant here and now I have found myself in this void surrounded by demons intent on destroying my soul. Over time these evil little demons completely invaded my inner being and generated their energy from my willingness to allow them to engulf me and eventually I aided and abetted them on their mission. Regardless of the pain and anguish I was wreaking not only upon myself but also on my family I was intent on shutting myself off from the outside world and playing Russian Roulette with my physical and emotional well being. The longer it went the more distorted my outlook on life became and the damage I was inflicting on myself became the norm for me. I gradually desensitised myself to it all. Family and friends became part of the collateral damage around me and I chose to ignore their outpourings of love and affection much to my great loss. As time went by I was slowly sending myself crazy by consigning myself to purgatory and causing great damage to myself and others. It all became too much and I needed to find a way out.

There is nothing in the world as important as the love of family and the comraderie of friends and when you shut yourself off from the world, regardless of the reasons behind it, you choose to inflict pain on yourself and those around you. I know that sounds harsh but it is the truth. And for what gain? All that is achieved is anguish and suffering for all concerned with absolutely no positives and no winners to come out of it whatsoever. Thanks to the love and perserverance of my family and with the assistance of some very close friends I found my way to the surface and swore that no matter what happened in my life from there on I would never allow myself to slide back into that hell.

You are obviously a very intelligent and beautiful lady who has a great deal to offer and you have the chance to enrich others with your being. There is a wonderful world out there Bev and you deserve to enjoy it as much as you can.

Take care.
Ken

 
Reply by three, on Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:16 am
. . .


Last edited by three on Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:54 pm; edited 4 times in total
 
Reply by Tiggy, on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:21 pm
Beverly;

I might be stepping way over the line here and if so I do apologize. I'm not sure if you're an atheist (which is just fine with me), or religious, or merely spiritual, as I am. But I wanted to let you know that everything you've said sounds very much like you're going through what many have come to term a "desert period." Everything is barren, unbearably lonesome, and you just feel this intense lack of faith or purpose. The world has, over time, become an unfamiliar and frightening place. On one hand you want companionship and understanding, yet at the same time a more fearful part of yourself demands to be left alone and to hide away from all the horror - and joy - that's "out there."

I want to tell you that these times, no matter how traumatic and heartbreaking they may be, do pass. Sometimes an individual must go through an extremely painful kind of personal evolution. If you think really hard, and if you're honest with yourself, I'll bet you'll be at a loss to think of any valuable lesson you've learned that came out of a time of happiness, when life was easy. Rather, it's when things are so dark and seemingly hopeless that our humanity and connection to the world around us really starts to blossom.

All of this shouldn't suggest however that you simply must grin and bear it, and go it alone. Not at all! The toughest journeys in our lives are always the inward ones, but that shouldn't mean that we have to bottle up our sadness and never stop to ask for help along the way. This is why posting on the forums, getting to know others, and just making small efforts to reach out is so integral to your healing process. You've already come a long way just by posting on the boards and letting us get to know you better. I believe that took courage and faith - which tells me that you are anything BUT hopeless.

*hugs*

Keep being strong! You are here for a reason, and that reason is not to suffer.
 
Reply by Tiggy, on Wed Sep 22, 2010 6:26 pm
                                 
Faith4Today wrote:
Beverly you have beautiful eyes, very nice skin and the most perfectly shaped lips I have ever seen.  You are probably quiet a bomb shell all dressed up.  Go with your daughter if you get a chance and pamper yourself with a manicure or let someone just wash your hair while you relax at a salon with your feet soaking. Go out for a girls night and forget the yesterdays troubles.  It always makes me feel alittle better.

Maybe we should call you lushish lips *I don't know if I spelled that right)   or bright eyes

What do you think friends can we give her a new name?


I vote for bright eyes!!
 
Reply by WOUNDED DOE, on Thu Sep 23, 2010 12:58 am
Dear sweet Damagedgoods...

So many of us here understand what you verbalize, how you feel.....myself included hun.....and you know what else I see??   Again, myself included, sometimes we run...that "fight or flight" response is something that happens to so many of us.......including that man you met.....

...first you ran away from him due to your fears.......then he ran from you....and I highly suspect it might be because of his own demons and fears over God knows what...sure, he might be an asshole.....or he might not be....

I have learned over time to consider such things......human behavior and what inspires our behavior can be a complex thing.....

Personally, I like making friends first and just spending time with people without getting too personal ....get to know each other....I like to be friends first....then hey, the next thing yah know you might even have someone who will reach the BFF status Wink SmileSmileSmile  ...and after THAT...well...if it feels right....maybe a closer relationship will happen......but hell sweetie....if the guy never calls you, don't sweat it, LOTS of new friends to be made who will actually MATTER in your life SmileSmileSmile ...and having friends is important....having closer friends is awesome....I think it's often better when a mate begins as a seed of friendship that later blooms into that flower you're hoping for....sex is definitely important, at least I know it is for me, and I, too, need strong arms around me at night.....(here I sit alone in the dark listening to the clocks tick)  ...but I want a little friendship history with that person first because, again for me, this is what brings me more security in my relationship.  Any relationship can go bad....there are some serious jerks out there....and quite frankly, there are some bitches out there too....yes, sistahs can be just as terrible.....and trust has to be earned between any two people...and it's never fair to guess what's going on in someone's mind or in their life.....guessing....wondering....surmising....bah-humbug..........don't always believe what you think.  Wink

Bottom line sweet girl is that you must understand that you are BEAUTIFUL and VALUABLE and a WORTHY and WONDERFUL woman with much to offer.................you are just 'traumatized' in a way, as perhaps many of us are, by what has happened to you...you are full of anger, fear, pain, and lonliness...........and that is perfectly normal honey........it is HELL to feel that way........but try to let the sadness pass....it will come and go at times but don't let it rule you......I have a hard time with that too and it isn't always easy to practice what I preach.....I have always said, "To fight a demon, you must become one!" lol Wink SmileSmile  

Seriously, I hope I am making sense in all this.....you're going to be ok, and you are going to make more and more new and wonderful friends....and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that some man is falling in love with you right now.......... Wink

~Much love from your Doe Smile
 
Reply by Past Member, on Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:11 am
Hello Doe, Thankyou for your very kind word's!! It all makes sense to me but i cant seem to pull myself out of this dark hole Im in at this time?? The last time I felt like this I tried to neck myself and am scared Im heading that way again!!!  I'm also going out of my mind with worrie as I am going back into hospital in 2 week's for bi-opsies on my stomach and small bowel? I had my gallbladder removed 7 week's ago and when my surgeon went in he found something in my stomach and bowel???? I am very frightened about the outcome because i've been fighting this horrible disease for nearly 23yrs and i dont know if i can take anymore BAD NEWS!!! I also dont think I have anymore fight left in me (Im tired) . I just want to be happy and healthy and am sick of being sick!! Sorry im rambling on again..... I NEED TO VENT IM ANGRY......
Thankyou again your very sweet and I hope you have some happiness in your life. You deserve it darling Doe....

Beverley.   xxxxxxxxxxxx


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((many hugs to you from Aus))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
Reply by Gus, on Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:30 am
                                 
damagedgoods wrote:
Hello Doe, Thankyou for your very kind word's!! It all makes sense to me but i cant seem to pull myself out of this dark hole Im in at this time?? The last time I felt like this I tried to neck myself and am scared Im heading that way again!!!  I'm also going out of my mind with worrie as I am going back into hospital in 2 week's for bi-opsies on my stomach and small bowel? I had my gallbladder removed 7 week's ago and when my surgeon went in he found something in my stomach and bowel???? I am very frightened about the outcome because i've been fighting this horrible disease for nearly 23yrs and i dont know if i can take anymore BAD NEWS!!! I also dont think I have anymore fight left in me (Im tired) . I just want to be happy and healthy and am sick of being sick!! Sorry im rambling on again..... I NEED TO VENT IM ANGRY......
Thankyou again your very sweet and I hope you have some happiness in your life. You deserve it darling Doe....

Beverley.   xxxxxxxxxxxx


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((many hugs to you from Aus))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


vent away Bev, your allowed but necking yaself isnt the answer, nor is giving up, etc etc. You have a right to worry though and thats a normal thing, and I empathise with you being sick and tired if being sick and tired. god knows I been there and frankly I'm there now. How do i cope? Humour and caring for others, if I can bring a smile to someones face when everything around them turns to shit then my worries get smaller. I hanging in there with you Bev, please don't give up on me now, I need you to walk along with me through our troubles. I promise I wont give in if you don't.

hugs to ya dear friend
 
Reply by three, on Fri Sep 24, 2010 4:16 pm
. . .


Last edited by three on Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:52 pm; edited 4 times in total
 
Reply by WOUNDED DOE, on Fri Sep 24, 2010 10:23 pm
                                 
damagedgoods wrote:
Hello Doe, Thankyou for your very kind word's!! It all makes sense to me but i cant seem to pull myself out of this dark hole Im in at this time?? The last time I felt like this I tried to neck myself and am scared Im heading that way again!!!  I'm also going out of my mind with worrie as I am going back into hospital in 2 week's for bi-opsies on my stomach and small bowel? I had my gallbladder removed 7 week's ago and when my surgeon went in he found something in my stomach and bowel???? I am very frightened about the outcome because i've been fighting this horrible disease for nearly 23yrs and i dont know if i can take anymore BAD NEWS!!! I also dont think I have anymore fight left in me (Im tired) . I just want to be happy and healthy and am sick of being sick!! Sorry im rambling on again..... I NEED TO VENT IM ANGRY......
Thankyou again your very sweet and I hope you have some happiness in your life. You deserve it darling Doe....

Beverley.   xxxxxxxxxxxx


((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((many hugs to you from Aus))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Awww sweetie pie....please don't neck yourself, please do not do that....I wish you weren't so far away, I would be knocking at your door to give you a big hug....I understand that "dark hole" omg do I ever, try not to be alone right now......earlier this month I found myself in another severe depression that I could not pull myself out of alone and am so very grateful for my BFF's....one friend in particular who has been holding my head up and has been soooooo there for me, a very persistent and supportive friend....means a lot to have people like that to help hold yah together.....I found myself out'n'about doing fun things and remembering how fun life still can be!! ....look at the cool friends you've made on this site and how we all care for you SmileSmileSmile   ....and it's more than OK for you to vent hun...in fact it's a GOOD THING.......sometimes dear sweet sister we just really need to SCREAM  Wink  ...and when we do, that is when friends hear us......it is much better to 'scream' that to fall silent, as I do, ...so never do that....you vent all you want to it does you good.....you are not in this alone, not at all.....trust me there are MANY people reading your post who are soooooo feeling what you are going through right now but they are not posting because they are not sure what to say.....but they understand......I know you're tired.....I'm not just writing this to 'sound' supportive, I understand fully that "tired" feeling.......in earlier posts on this site I have mentioned my girlfriends' boyfriend, Ryan, who lost his legs.....lost count how many surgerys he's had.....in-between his "stumps" as he refers to them, are SO painful and they bleed so he cannot slip on his artificial legs for quite some time and this grown man needs to drag himself across the floor with his arms at a twist so his hips slide across the floor and not his 'stumps' ....the demons he fights physically, medically, and emotionally and psychologicly (my spelling is rotton tonight sorry) is terrible, among other med probs he has as well.....his six year old girl towers above him when he is on the floor.......he has told me he would ANY day trade me for my Crohn's and my ostomy......we can still do so many things others cannot........
Sweetheart keep us posted on how you're doing ok?? SmileSmileSmile  We are just a click away SmileSmileSmileSmile
 
Reply by Pinky, on Fri Sep 24, 2010 11:05 pm
Hi Beverley BrightEyes - Having been in the abyss myself on many occasions I truly understand the dark hole, and how difficult it is to drag yourself up out of it.  On another forum you posted how you had been betrayed in a cruel and despicable manner by someone you trusted.  I've been there too!  I think a human being can endure ANYTHING as long as he or she feels supported...

And the HARDEST thing is to go on when you feel like the rug has been pulled from under your feet.  You trusted and were betrayed.  That stinks!

The thing that pulls me up out of the dark hole and keeps me from necking myself is my kids.  Everyone has to find that ONE THING that keeps them from breaking this deal we call LIFE.  For some it's faith in God (or fear of retribution), for others it's love of a man or woman, very good friends, even disappointing parents or other family members.

You are incredibly important to SOMEONE and it's your task to identify who that someone is.  

On my really bad days, that someone for me is simply my sweet beagle - I adopted him from a shelter and I'll be damned if he's going to end up back there abandoned yet again!  It's a tenuous connection, but sometimes that's enough to pull me out of the whirlpool of despair.

That said, get a SOMEONE who can't live without you!                  Pinky
 
Reply by WOUNDED DOE, on Sat Sep 25, 2010 1:02 am
What an excellent post Pinky!! SmileSmile  ((hugs))
 
Reply by KennyT, on Sat Sep 25, 2010 9:11 am
I want to tell you that these times, no matter how traumatic and heartbreaking they may be, do pass. Sometimes an individual must go through an extremely painful kind of personal evolution. If you think really hard, and if you're honest with yourself, I'll bet you'll be at a loss to think of any valuable lesson you've learned that came out of a time of happiness, when life was easy. Rather, it's when things are so dark and seemingly hopeless that our humanity and connection to the world around us really starts to blossom.




Life can be a parodox. You feel that to gain fullfilment you must take the knocks and expect your soul to somehow be better for the pain and hope that the means justifies the end. But alas that is not necessarily the case and to expect that you wont learn any valuable lessons from happy times in your life is to defeat the very purpose of being happy. Please save me from that. I do not propose to know the answer just the road.

I love your stuff Tiggy but we will beg to differ here.

Take care.


Last edited by KennyT on Sun Sep 26, 2010 8:16 am; edited 1 time in total
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