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Hard to keep confidant

Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 3:44 pm

heyyy guys,

Anyone finding dating a wee bit challenging... I can not get past first date... I wonder why!? Boo hoo.. I feel like sobbing my heart out at this precise moment it time..  Sad 

  Past Member
Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 5:30 pm

I haven't made it to a first date, I realize part of the problem is my own self confidence... Crazy but I've had co-workers, people I've known for thirty plus years disappear.. I expected as much, I snapped a tendon and lost friends, lol.... We are a funny fickled species

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Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:55 pm

Happydays2018,

  Confidence is key.  And it also depends on what you're looking for.  If it's just a hookup, an ostomy is easy to hide and obviously social media makes it too easy nowadays.

  But if you're looking for a relationship, you're gonna have to weed out some a$sholes.  A good person is not going to give 2 shxts about you having an ostomy.  So it's kind of like an a$shole detector.

  I never had any issues with dating before I was married or even after my divorce.  But I have an IDGAF attitude.  If a woman doesn't want a second date with me because of my ostomy, then I consider them a shallow selfish b*tch and better off not knowing them.  But women are WAY more accepting a man with an ostomy than the reverse.  I've written posts on this subject before as have many other people.  Might be worth a gander.

  How do you normally let a potential date know you have an ostomy?  Maybe it's in the delivery that's wrecking havoc?  If I'm planning on being intimate with a woman and we are getting to know each other, it usually happens then.  The Crohn's disease thing comes up and I basically tell them that I don't shxt like everyone else.  I try to put a humorous spin on it.  Usually, it brings up more questions and then I go on about the surgery, how it was a lifesaver, blah, blah, blah, but I've never had a woman flat out reject me or stop talking to me because of it.

  Now I'm curious.  How does everyone else let tell a person of interest about their ostomy?

Bain

 

Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 10:43 am

Never been a problem for me I've always been open and confident about my bag. Just get out there be yourself have fun and build your confindence back up again and SMILE it looks good ON YOU!

Posted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:47 pm

Thankyou for all your replies.. I am a confident person, most definitely.. I had no problem in being intimate but I’ve found once I’ve explained to them why and how etc about my journey being really ill etc blah blah blah, I get the understanding but then no contact after..and I know it’s the bag as I had no issue attracting the men at the time.. As said by NJ Bain I think women are more understanding and unfortunately for maturer woman there’s so many beautiful young single girls out there so why settle for what I can offer which is middle aged  and a frigging bag!!! Mmmm lovely!!! 

Im getting really frustrated in having to explain myself to potential partner.. it is seriously getting me down.. I do feel my former life is over.. I had my ileostomy in December 2017 and it’s only now it’s getting to me mentally.. actually my rectual stump is flaring up so...happy days for me!!!!!! If  I was a dog I know what would kind to do!!! Lol... joke of course!, as you can tell I’m being really grumpy and very sensitive!!!!! I will cheer up.. I promise!!!! Xx 

Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 6:48 pm

Yes I'm very much having a problem with dating.  Having a permanent  colostomy can suck in the dating world. No one is going to except this thing on my belly. Going for  therapy  next week. Feel like I'll always be alone.

Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 7:29 pm

Hi , I see you’re in Uk, and had your ileo same time as me! Yes it’s normal to hit you some time after the event don’t beat yourself up.  As others have said, if someone cares about you, then they care about you with or without a bag. Smile and be confident, confidence is the biggest magnet. Sometimes people need to get their head around it, but they will. Stomas save lives, that’s what I tell people , I’m a carer too and that saying seems to help everyone put bags into perspective. Your bag does not define you, ever, sexy is an attitude. Keep positive, the right one could be just around the corner! Good luck xx

Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 9:07 pm

Don't give up!!  If you can't get past the first date,  they wern't worth your time.  If they are going to judge you on your osteomy, then they are pretty shallow.   Keep trying.   God has a special person out there for you.  We gotta work on His time line.  Good luck to you!!  Always be up front and honest.  It will pay off in the end!



Last edited by freedancer on Thu Sep 27, 2018 12:42 am; edited 1 time in total
Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 9:46 pm

I am on the same page with Bain! Personally I never told anyone I was intimate with until after we made love and then only if they asked me about it.I never acted any different than I did before my ostomy.I wore sexy lingerie before and I still wear it now.I never let my ostomy change my sexy,confident attitude.Guess what? Kinda ashamed to admit it BUT if it helps people so be it.After being with many men from all different places over 30 yrs I have NEVER been rejected.I have been married 3 times BUT I left them,they didn't leave me.In fact they begged me not to divorce them.Alcoholism,family,and religion were the problems.The biggest sex organ is between the ears.

Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2018 11:14 pm

Hi guys, The only dating problem I have is no dates. I have not been out with anyone for several years now, I had a illeal conduit urostomy back in 2009 and it has not worked out well for me. I recently had a revision which was was a medical disaster. I was in the hospital for five months. It was horrible. At one point I was not expected to survive. I ended up with a large abdominal wound and two exposed intestinal fistulas. Everything I ate or drank would come out as liquid in minutes. It would empty into a fistula bag which would not stay attached due to the terrible condition of the surrounding skin. I lost over 70 pounds and looked emaciated.I was in deep depression as I did not want to die in the hospital. I prayed to GOD all the time and HE made a miricle happen. I had a brilliant surgeon operate on me, he did a intestinal resection removing the fistulas and reconnecting my intestines. The large wound was closed and I recovered rather quickly. I gained back the weight I look good now. I thank GOD that I am alive. I had a girlfriend who was cheating on me and then left me. My heart was broken. I have not dated for years now as I could never go through having my heart broken again. I stay to myself and I have four wonderful cats who keep me company. They are little angels. I would like to meet a nice lady but the thought of being betrayed again prevents me from doing so. I am open and honest about things and if I did meet someone I would tell her about my ostomy right away. If it too much for her I would tell her to get lost as someone like that is not worth being with. Take care all, GOD BLESS.

Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2018 6:07 am

Thankyou so much for your kind words... and I will remember them.. I’m feeling a wee bit better with what has happened as I’ve experienced the rejection so can handle it if it happens again... every experience no matter how bad it is , makes us stronger.. have a wonderful day. Xx

Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 1:22 pm

I wish I could date but my wife would kill me...   Joking aside, a lot has to do with our own attitude. How can you expect someone else to accept you if you can't accept yourself? Believe you can AND then you will. Not easy but simple...

Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2018 10:38 am

Well the acceptance and selfconfidence is KEY

The way you handle yourself with that with others is really is one of the major thing in the dating scene.

One we said that, of course there'll always be people that do not deal well with medical condition of any kind including of course having a illeostomy or collostomy, etc.

So we have to deal with rejection and acceptance.. and rejection and acceptance.. We need to work ourselves in such a way that the reality of ours is ours and find the way to deal with it.. no matter what...

It's like being gay (which I am) did not choose that... The illeostomy I have I did not choose it. It's just one of those things that life brings to u.

The only thing we need to do is to accept and embrasse who we are with all who we are. Not just the part we like but the part we do no like as well.

Good work on yourselves...

 

 

  Past Member
Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2018 4:25 pm
NJ Bain wrote:

Happydays2018,

  Confidence is key.  And it also depends on what you're looking for.  If it's just a hookup, an ostomy is easy to hide and obviously social media makes it too easy nowadays.

  But if you're looking for a relationship, you're gonna have to weed out some a$sholes.  A good person is not going to give 2 shxts about you having an ostomy.  So it's kind of like an a$shole detector.

  I never had any issues with dating before I was married or even after my divorce.  But I have an IDGAF attitude.  If a woman doesn't want a second date with me because of my ostomy, then I consider them a shallow selfish b*tch and better off not knowing them.  But women are WAY more accepting a man with an ostomy than the reverse.  I've written posts on this subject before as have many other people.  Might be worth a gander.

  How do you normally let a potential date know you have an ostomy?  Maybe it's in the delivery that's wrecking havoc?  If I'm planning on being intimate with a woman and we are getting to know each other, it usually happens then.  The Crohn's disease thing comes up and I basically tell them that I don't shxt like everyone else.  I try to put a humorous spin on it.  Usually, it brings up more questions and then I go on about the surgery, how it was a lifesaver, blah, blah, blah, but I've never had a woman flat out reject me or stop talking to me because of it.

  Now I'm curious.  How does everyone else let tell a person of interest about their ostomy?

Bain

 

Usually with great reticence....

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