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Dating

Posted by Ottie, on Mon May 18, 2020 10:13 am

Hi, I am a widow of seven years and was with my husband for 28 years. I'm now going to start dating, how and when do I bring up that I have a bag?

Reply by honestabe, on Mon May 18, 2020 10:43 am

I waited until there was some chemistry 

Reply by panther, on Mon May 18, 2020 10:49 am

I tell anyone at the start always been very open about my bag, Take me as I am or watch me as I go......never had any rejections myself when I've told any women.........there's no right or wrong way just what you feel is right

Reply by tmn86, on Tue May 19, 2020 3:03 pm

I am 100% with panther!!

Reply by w30bob, on Wed May 20, 2020 5:45 pm

I'm tending to lean with Abe on this one.  No one's actually dating right now with the COVID stuff still happening, so time is on your side.  For me I first need to meet them and see if it's even going beyond a first date.  There's a lot of wingnuts out there, on both sides, so I'm going to first ascertain if it even needs to be discussed at some point.  You can tell a lot about a person by just talking, texting and meeting them once or twice.  So after I feel them out and see if we're both really interested in each other I'll figure out when to tell them about the frontbutt.  I just reverse the situation and assume if they had an issue, like a bag, how would I react.  If I knew from the jump, and I didn't know all that much about ostomies, I'd probably not want to see her again.  I know that sounds cruel, but that's if I didn't know anything about ostomies, and most folks don't.  But if I got to know her and we were hitting it off......and then she told me......I'd take the time to look it up and see what it's all about. Then I'd ask here what having one really means to me and us.  If she told me basically nothing except it would limit some clothing styles she could wear and there might be some activities she just wasn't comfortable doing..........then I wouldn't care less if she had an ostomy.  If she told me it would have a significant impact all the time and that I'd have to get used to a whole bunch of limitations and other issues.......I'm going to think hard about her and if I want to deal with all that. And I don't think anyone should be faulted for that.

  So it's not just a question of do you have an ostomy or not.......it's about why you have the ostomy and what impact that has on us as a couple going forward.  And I think I'm smart enough to feel someone out over a short time and judge how my ostomy will impact our relationship.  If I think she'll be fine with my situation, then I'll hope for the best, but expect the worst, and tell her.  If I think she's the kind of person who under no circumstance will tolerate my slightly violated abs and will run screaming into the night......I'll probably just call it off without even mentioning it.  You can get a good feel for what you're dealing with if you meet them a few times, talk, and ask the right questions.  I mean when would be a good time for her to tell me breast cancer runs in her family and she's sure it's just a matter of time before she's affected?  Is that something that should be brought up on the first or second date?  I'm thinking not.......but others may disagree. 

  For me I'm not going to worry too much about the whole ostomy thing.  There's someone out there that's just right for me, and if for ANY reason someone I'm interested in doesn't want me the way I am.........I just look at that as a good thing.  Because it frees me to continue looking for that true right person.  We shouldn't be looking for sympathy, we should be looking for our best friend and partner to ride off into the sunset with.  And wasting time with anyone else could cause you to miss finding that truly special person for you. It's not the end of the world if some people don't want to deal with those in our situation.  The end of the world hopefully comes much later.  

  Shit, did I even answer your question?  You got me going on a rant and I like to type.  Bad combination. 

 

regards,

bob 

Reply by honestabe, on Wed May 27, 2020 6:31 pm

When you have some chemistry!

Reply by Immarsh, on Thu May 28, 2020 3:29 am

Hi,  I'm  Marsha, and the first time around I was 15, and just had my surgery.   Back then,  mores were different, and I knew I wasn't going to " go all the way, especially on a first date".    When I started dating, I only told t he guy if we were going out regularly.   They were curious, but never rejected....      I ended up  marrying a guy who a lso had an ostomy..  I met his mother, at an ostomy fund raisser, and she wanted us to meet.   We did,, and married a year  later....but   divorced after 24 1/2 years...    It's more than 20 years now, and I dated regularly over the years.   AS the " guys said"....I told,   if I felt there was chemistry....if not,  I didn't say anything.   But by the so called " third date".....I felt the pressure to tell...  I wanted to be in control, and not be  " caught".   It was ok with most men....and not so much with others...   One guy walked out  on me,  when I told him at lunch.....  It was a 3rd date,    he was a musician, with a disabled young child.....   His loss...    Best of luck to y ou....   You'll know when it feels  right...

 

Marsha

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