Discussing Your Ostomy with Someone You're Dating

What is the best way to tell someone you're dating about your ostomy? I've dated throughout high school, and I've only had one girlfriend know and be understanding about it. It never even bothered her. On the other hand, I've had girlfriends find out and say that they can't deal with it and break up with me. So, I guess I'm just wondering what's an easy way to tell someone.

Great question... I'm sure you'll get lots of great male perspective here, but may I just say, from mine... No need to share until you feel you've reached a point of no return, be it love, sex, or both. Your health is your personal business and only you should decide when and with whom you share. Your ostomy can prove to be a great jerk detector, lol. You are a Cutie Patootie, any girl that can't see what's right in front of her doesn't deserve you... remember that, okay? BEG

I agree with Browneyed girl. You don't need to say anything until things get serious. Any young woman with a caring heart wouldn't blink an eye about your ostomy, if she's really genuine in her feelings for you. So you're on the right track coming on this site. We have already had two young ones find love here, and both have the same thing in common. Ian, there's never an easy way to tell someone about what you have, only when Miss Right comes will it be no chore to explain. Good luck and my best wishes to you. TC, ambies...

Hi Ian, Listen to these girls. They're giving some good advice. Especially what ambies says only when miss right comes will it be no chore to explain. Here's wishing this will be the case for you. I've got my own fingers crossed that this will happen for me too. Take good care, Colm

From a female perspective, I totally agree with ambies and browneyedgirl; the girl for you will not be swayed by the size of your ostomy bag...she will be swayed by the size of your heart :)

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Beautifully said, bag_n_drag. Thank you, BEG.

From a guy's perspective who, like you, was once young and single with an ileostomy, I would usually wait a while to figure out if the relationship was going anywhere and then I would just tell her during a quiet moment. I said it in an "Oh, by the way" sort of way like it's really not a big deal to me, which it's not. Be positive and it will show. If I were dating today, I might try resorting to a YouTube video on ostomies as well. There are so many. I wonder if anyone's done that?

Very good point on the YouTube route, PJT. I have seen, on a couple other sites, YouTube videos on how to shower with an ostomy bag, etc. so perhaps there are some good general explanations on the wonder of the ostomy out there as well. Sometimes a visual is better than a visual for explaining something that isn't routine for most people, if you know what I mean. :)

Thanks, everyone. Just hearing this helps so much, and it's really nice to have some reassurance.

Hello Ian, don't worry mate. I'm in exactly the same boat! Solidarity, brother! It's a bit of an odd one, dating with this secret, knowing at some point you are going to have to bring it up... but you know what? You can relax; there will never be a perfect time/formula, so don't look for it. Go with the flow because the cracking thing is that if/when you do have to... the dating must be going well! Be confident mate, and as PJT rightly says, be positive. I've been told that's a very attractive quality in this situation and also don't apologize or make a big deal of it. It is what it is, and if she's the one for you, smashing stuff, bag or not... Everyone is different and will react in different ways, but I guess just be cool. It may take a little bit of time for them to get their head around the info; it's not everyday stuff for most people... so bear with them, before getting bare with them. I'm sure it will be worth the wait! Happy dating!

Hey, as I'm basically in the same situation, here's what I think. After being through it all and coming out the other side with a bag, I'm more understanding about things I might not have been if it had never happened. Honestly, life would be so much easier if guys like you lived nearer to me, lol, because someone who's been through a similar situation (or have friends or family who have) are going to understand it better and accept it. I've only had my ostomy for about two and a half years, and I've only been single for about three months, so this is all new to me too. Plus, it doesn't help that my ex broke up with me because he couldn't cope with my ostomy; it just makes me more nervous. I think if you really like them and know that they feel the same, you should only tell them when you're comfortable with it because chances are, you're going to have to explain it all and why you have it and what it does, lol. Hope this helps xx