Hi gang - I haven't written here in a long time as I have been going through a true antisocial period where the only company I've wanted is my beagle! I'm not sure what has happened that is out of the ordinary. Maybe it is the big let-down I experienced once the high of finishing up my master's wore off and the long slog of job-hunting began. It's been totally shocking to make endless applications and so far I have only been offered 2 interviews - both far from San Diego. Having many years of experience in my profession (and not such a bad job market), I got used to being contacted for virtually every job I ever applied for. Nowadays, very few even send an email regret!
Now I am finding that fear is involved with the idea of making a huge upheaval in the lifestyle that has been working for me for the past 9 years - caring for my health, being available to my (adult) children as both mother and father, taking care of my mom's house and her financial affairs, and of course, the beagle :D
It frightens me to think of giving up my disability payments, and also maybe having my ex-spouse drag me back into court to try to get out of his support payments. Last time he did that (just as I came out of the hospital with my new permanent colostomy in 2009), it cost me $10K in court costs.
I've stopped going to my ostomy support group and doing any volunteer work. I know it's time to move on, but I feel frozen with indecision. I feel that any decision I make will have mega-consequences on my long-term financial outlook. Then I start getting pissed off thinking none of this would be an issue if my ex hadn't been such a (fill in any foul word) and dumped me while I was fighting cancer.
Being a long-term cancer survivor has some surprising stresses to it! I never expected to still be here 9 years after my diagnosis. Don't get me wrong - I'm thrilled - but maybe just in a valley right now instead of on a peak.
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Hi Pinky, sorry to hear things aren't going so well with life. I think as far as work conditions, it's bad everywhere. Like Mooza says, your ex is an asshole. I hope life picks up for you soon. I think we are all looking for that rainbow to shine over us. I think the world's gone mad. Take care, Ambies...
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Hey Pinky, hang in there and fight dirty if you can when it comes to your ex - what a *((( Mooza and Ambie say - open the bag and throw some s h i t at him LOL. Have you tried a Head Hunter or an agency for job help? Sometimes they are worth checking out. The way I look at it is - you beat cancer (same as me) so you can beat any low down, dirty, good for nothing, sniveling, money-grubbing ex.
Lol xx see, Pinky, things are worth the fight. What did you get your master's in?? Hey, like an Australian band called Not Drowning, Waving. Good luck, Darlz.
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Fear has to be part of any huge upheaval in a lifestyle that worked for so long. Unfortunately, these are no ordinary times and indecision will only deepen your hole. Can you tell us what moving on entails for you? Fear has a way of diminishing when confronted with a little daylight.
Hey Tess, you did it again, lol! Lol! Throwing the crap sounds like a good idea... ha ha, sure Mooza would like it too... Ambies.
Primeboy, I hope your soft words were heard. I am guessing they speak from the strength of experience.
Thanks to all who wrote here. After I finished my master's (Public Health Administration), I felt very gung-ho to get right into work (just like in spring 2009 after I'd recovered from colostomy surgery) - no fear, just excitement and anticipation. Moving on for me would be in two parts: literally moving and becoming financially independent. This is stuff I'm putting on myself though because so far disability has waived reviewing my case every time since 2004 and also, my mom's house doesn't need to be sold anytime soon. So the moving on is in my psyche - my lifelong need to be accomplishing something. What I would really love to do is follow DawnEagle's example and roam the country in a small RV with just my beagle. The fear, of course, is leaving a relatively comfortable position for the unknown, and I'm not a risk-taker unless forced into it. Really, I should be enjoying for the first time in my adult life having no stressful job, kids, school, too many family commitments, or illness! Like many here, I am also lonely. Recently, I got a free gym membership with my health coverage - maybe those are doors I could walk through first in starting my new life! ;)
Dawn, it's more a matter of length of experience rather than strength of experience. Knowledge, especially shared knowledge, is the enemy of fear. Pinky's second post here sounds a lot more positive. Let's hope that fear strikes out.
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Thank you, Bill. A poem would be most appreciated! Your comment made me realize that underlying most modern fear (unlike primal fear) is the dread of disappointment. I read a book recently which highlighted this and commented on the fear response beyond fight or flight: freeze. It works well for prey animals but not so well for modern humans that can't get beyond it. Also, there is the chance of being devoured while one is frozen! :D
Stick with the dog!!! Keeping people at arm's length is a very good way to live.
I know my cat Mrs. Cat (aka Butter Butt) does allow me to live here if I behave myself. Oh yeah, and buy her food.
Hey Pinky, fear is a constant but it is our ability to deal with it that creates the people we are. At times, we need to allow fear to drive us forward, and on the other hand, we cannot let fear overwhelm us to the detriment of our well-being. You are a very intelligent, thought-provoking woman, and I am sure you find that place where you are at peace with not only yourself but all those in your life. Take care, good girl.