Why My Boyfriend With an Ileostomy Bag Avoids Intimacy

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend had emergency surgery at the end of March where a portion of his large intestine was removed due to diverticulitis. He now has a temporary ileostomy bag. Before the bag, we had just started dating (although we work together and have known each other for 3 years). We fell for each other hard, and it was so wonderful, then March happened, and the whole bottom fell out. He became a different person. After the surgery, we had sex a couple of times, but in the last couple of months, the affection and sex have been nonexistent. He keeps telling me he will be a different person when the bag comes off, but I feel like by the time we get to the end of this, and because he hasn't really wanted anything to do with me intimately, he isn't going to be able to help but just look at us like we are roommates. Any advice on what I can do?

G-Day 76, let him know that the stoma doesn't bother you, as long as it doesn't. If you have shown any inclination that it puts you off, he will pick that up in no time. Get him to buy a boob tube and cover the stoma before you go to bed, then bonk your brains out. Good luck, IGGIE.

His problem has nothing to do with you, to begin with.  He's dealing with what's happened to his body and he's likely somewhat in shock over that gawdawful thing now attached to his belly.  You'll have to go overboard to show it doesn't bother you and, even then, he's going to still struggle with it.  Here's a double negative for you:  something like suddenly having an ileostomy cannot NOT impact every aspect of one's life, including one's sex life.  I don't mean to be crass, but I would compare it to a guy with a 10" long penis suddenly waking up to discover it has shrunk down to 2".  If size matters, so does a clear, uncluttered belly.  Hopefully, he'll deal with this situation over time.  Good luck to you both.

Just be there for him, let him know how much you love and care about him. He's got a lot going on in his head and body, and so have you. You know yourself, love isn't all about sex. Don't take this the wrong way; in relationships, even if you don't have an ostomy, there will be times in your life when you don't have sex for a time when one or both of you have physical or mental health problems, be it depression or other.

He is going through a tough adjustment. It's just a temporary situation. He feels ugly. He might even have an offensive smell which is very embarrassing. Emptying the bag also stinks up the house.

All this is common. He might also fear losing you, too.

I was not active with my wife for several years. We divorced.

Put yourself in his shoes.

Imagine having a serious physical alteration to your body?

I am sure breast cancer survivors go through this, as well as amputees.

This is a bump in the road for you guys being new into a relationship. The hot and heavy will return. Give him time.

Tips on Hernia Prevention with Collin | Hollister

Suggest a wrap from Ostomy Secrets to him. It's a band that will cover the ostomy and hold it in place. Ostomy Secrets sells all kinds of bands and underwear for men.

Maybe if it's covered so you or he can't see it and it's tucked tight against his skin with the wrap, so the bag is not just loose and swinging around, he may feel more comfortable.

As the poster above mentioned smell, they have odor drops that go inside the bag called Hollister M9 drops.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your boyfriend. Everyone wants to feel desirable when it comes to sex, and it sounds like he doesn't feel that way about himself. It might help to let him know that you still find him attractive. He may hear you, or he may continue to feel less than. Either way, it will not be your fault. I think it's wonderful how supportive you've been, but we can't change other people, only offer our love. It's up to them to want to change and actually do it.

You have received a lot of really good advice here, so good that I really can't add to it, other than to say... take it! Good luck.

Terry

One of the questions I was asked after surgery was whether I could still get an erection. "What, are you kidding me?" I thought. It seems that during the surgical process, with so much of our innards being moved, something could happen and affect the prostate gland. Maybe that is the culprit.

Hope that helps.

Shark Fan

This is a man's ego we are talking about - we can be shallow, fragile creatures.

Try to make the ostomy a common thing that is just part of life. My wife named mine "Sterling the stoma" for the ileostomy (from the show Archer), and "Oscar the Ostomy" for my permanent ostomy. It helps take the "taboo" and shame out of it he might be feeling.

+1 on suggestion from others for some sort of wrap. When I go running, it bounces around, so I got a wrap/tube top type thing - the same thing happens during sexy rumpus time, very distracting and not sexy.

Word of caution - if you force things on him, you may not like the results. Tread carefully. See my first sentence at the top.

Very wise words, JD.

Terry

I was that guy.  

Married 17 years when I had the surgery, all the support and acceptance anyone could ask for, but my own head would not allow it.

I told my wife I would understand if she would leave me. I was, in my own head, the most disgusting human being that had ever existed. I hated my body and could not fathom anyone accepting it; heck, I didn't.

Of course, I was wrong. 

She asked me one day that if she had a stoma, would I find her desirable? I said of course, as it didn't matter, and she said she felt the same way. I still took about 6 months before I could, in my own head, do anything, and even then, I wore a tee shirt for my own peace of mind.  

Your boyfriend is experiencing trauma and grief; his entire image of self has been wiped away and replaced with a reality that is very difficult to accept. My bag was also temporary; I had the reversal and will tell you I was feeling "normal" again within days. 

Good luck, he is lucky to have such a supportive partner during what is a very difficult time. 

Dogen's Bag 

This brings back painful memories. Your boyfriend's esteem, ego, and self-image are at rock bottom right now. In a relationship, the man wants to be the rock—the strength that his girlfriend can depend on and look up to. He's not feeling that now. He feels weak. He is carrying an issue that he is trying to understand and tolerate its existence while still remaining strong and attractive in your eyes. A massive struggle. He's terrified of losing you. Therefore, he's avoiding you to protect himself if losing you does become a reality. Then he can justify the end of the relationship with self-pity and that you thought he was disgusting.

Now that you have this insight (again, these are my personal feelings experienced after my ileostomy surgery in college), you will have to understand and tolerate some mean and hateful words and actions. He's only trying to protect himself and test you. He's at a low point and trying to feel how much you really love him! Show him by continually touching him and showing him intimacy in words and behavior. Let him see that to you, the ileostomy does not matter. These continued actions of fighting for the relationship will break down his fears and result in a bond so strong that nothing in your future will ever break.

Hi Windsock,

I see that you responded to my post just last month. Since I posted this last year, my boyfriend has had his reversal surgery (September 2024), then six months later he had a hernia surgery where the ileostomy reversal was located (March of this year 2025). I am not sure if you have a permanent ostomy or if you have had a reversal, but I know he kept thinking that once he had his reversal surgery, then he would be back to normal. Unfortunately, I think that having had the bag and now not having it, and having his body look different than it did before, has done a lot more damage to his self-esteem than even he initially realized.

Before any of these surgeries, he was rarely sick, so waking up in the hospital with a bag on was particularly devastating. His life before the bag was living on a lake and spending time on his boat with lots of friends. He felt like Superman, comfortable living, good friends, liked the way he looked, and had an okay job that he took for the promise of a better position in the future. Now, because his self-esteem is so low due to his body looking different from the scars left behind from surgery and some weight he has gained, his whole outlook on life has changed. The job that had the promise of a better position is not happening; he has stopped really going out with his friends anymore, his attitude is no longer positive, and our relationship has suffered tremendously.

I am now at a crossroads as to what to do. I have been patient through this entire process, and I keep hearing from him to be more patient, but none of my needs have been met in this relationship for almost a year. Every time I try talking to him about this (which has been at least four times over the last 15 months), he just gets exasperated and says he has heard me, but then I see no effort being made in any area, which makes me feel like, what am I being patient for? I feel like I am just one more thing he has to deal with, and instead of being a support, I feel viewed as another stress. I guess I was hoping after everything we have gone through that it would bring us closer to each other and that he would value me and our relationship even more. I don't mean to sound callous, but how can someone that is going through this with their partner not see how hard it is on their partner as well? We make everything about them during this time, so to be so dismissive of our feelings and the way they are treating us, those who have been here through it all, is so baffling to me. Anytime I start to pull away because I don't think my heart can take anymore, he notices and then starts picking up in the areas he knows that I need from him, like affection, but the moment I start to relax and feel like he is actually trying, it is like the switch goes back off again, and I am back to square one. It's like he does just enough to keep me here and then retreats within himself all over again.

Is this something that is normal that many people go through after reversal surgery and all the trauma? If so, is psychological help a good idea?

I am at a complete loss and ready to just give up because the emotional and mental turmoil is getting to be too much. I don't even recognize the man I fell in love with over a year and a half ago, and that is what makes it so heartbreaking, but trying to hold on to the memory of him is worse because although he looks like my guy, he isn't anymore.

Sorry for the long response; I am just hoping that I can get a perspective from someone else that has been through this and maybe get an idea of where he is in his head and get him pointed in the right direction for some help. I hate to see him going through this anymore.