Seeking Support: Gay Men with Ostomies

OK,

So I know I'm different, but now I'm really different after I woke up with an ileostomy. I find I'm even more of a subunit as the others on this site. Are there any other gay men on here who would like to talk? I have so many questions and just don't know how to progress.

I can see that there would be a unique set of concerns for a gay male. AAirman. I can't relate in the same way another gay man could, and I hope you get some good information. I can empathize. I have had several very close gay friends - males and females - and from conversations with them, I can see a few of the special issues. AAirman, I have a listening ear if you ever need one. There isn't much I haven't heard or can't hear.

Carol 'dawneagle'

I sense this is a good time to repost this video:

B,

Bravo for you, my friend. Life is for everyone to enjoy.

X_

Hi AAirman,

Having an ostomy has its challenges for all of us, regardless of our sexuality. Personally, I can only speak from my experience as a gay man about what it's like to have an ostomy. But from what I have read over the past several years on this site, there is often a common thread of fear and apprehension when it comes to dating, when to tell, how to tell, etc.

We can talk, AAirman. Give me a shout!

Bill

Airman - If you would like to talk, please feel free to message me.    I had my surgery in June 2010, ileostomy as well.    I'm still learning the ins and outs of my stoma, but I'm very willing to share any information and knowledge learned along the way.
Rick

Hi
I am a gay male, same as you, with the same problems. I had lots of questions also. I would love to talk with you more about how this changed your life and share how it changed mine. I am currently the president of the ostomy support group in Dayton, OH. Let me know how I can help.
Mark

Hi AAirman,

I'm a 47-year-old single gay male. I have a permanent colostomy. I'm here if you want to talk.

Steve

Hi there,
I don't understand, if you want to be taken seriously, why don't you have a profile?
We all have our individual problems and we are here to help each other, but honestly and openly. Open up and maybe you will get some real help.

xxxxx

Airman; it's not only gay men who feel different. I have an ileostomy and a urostomy, so it's not easy for me, a married man either. But we just get on with life.
Ostomies are a way of living, but for them, we would surely be dead. So get over it mate, we are all on the same boat.
Dulcimerman

Hello, anytime you want to chat, please let's do so. I have a lot of things to ask as well. I'm always wondering if I'm alone in the world. I'm a 45-year-old male.

Hi Airman, I have spoken to 2 gay men on here. I actually got them together. One didn't want to stay on this site, the other did, saying he thought the site was good. I actually work at our association here in Melbourne, Australia and know only 1 gay man. And guess what? He has a partner, so all isn't as bad as you think! The only thing is, he isn't well, but that's a lot of ostomy issues. Anyway, there is another site for gay people I stumbled across on my ostomy journey, but I don't remember the name. Maybe it is called "Gay and Lesbian Ostomates," lol. Sorry, I can be daft at times...

...................Lots of love from Australia xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am quite new to this site, and have not posted very much, doing a lot of reading to get the feel of things and people on this board. For the most part, I have found it a positive place to get advice and encouragement, which we all need from time to time.

I have had my ileostomy my ENTIRE life. My first surgery was at 10 weeks of age! So I know a thing or two or three.

Airman, congratulations on posting on here, good for you. I have only one concern, and that is your perception of yourself, "more of a sub unit"??? Really? No, you're not. Not at all, you are a human being, capable of loving and being loved. Being gay in no way makes you a sub unit or different. You have a heart like everyone else, you have arms, legs, hands, feet, eyes, ears, just like everyone else. So you like men, big deal. It's only a big deal to those who make it a big deal.

As I've said, I've had my ileostomy my whole life. I am a 42-year-old straight woman. I know you were seeking to connect with gay men to gain some answers to questions that you have, and I hope you will get those answers. If you have questions that I can help you with, I will be more than happy to help you. I understand there will be some that I may not be able to.

I want you to know that my best friend is a gay male, who I have recently told about my ostomy. I hid it from him for several years, and due to some traveling that we were going to have to do together for a conference, I felt it only fair to inform him of my medical condition should something happen.

In revealing this to him, he has seen how much I struggle with body image issues and living with an ostomy. He has been incredibly kind, supportive, and honest with me. We have a very close relationship, and he has asked some very good questions in a very sensitive manner. He has managed to help me find some humor in my situation and come to terms with other issues with body image that I struggle with.

I have never thought of him as a sub unit because of his sexuality. I think of him as my friend, someone I can trust and confide in about anything, including very intimate and personal matters relating to having an ostomy without the fear of judgment or ridicule. He is every bit a man just as you are.

I understand how it feels to have an ileostomy and not knowing how people are going to react to it. I've had my heart broken more times than not over it, and I can empathize with being gay and your feelings of being different as you described yourself. It is irrelevant to me what your sexuality is. I understand completely why you included it in your post and hope you are able to get the answers you seek.

I know I am just another post on here, but I am a member of this site you can feel comfortable asking questions of about having an ileostomy. And if you have questions about being gay with an ileostomy, if I can help, I will try. It's the best I can offer you.

Hi AAirman,
I'm a lesbian with good news for you. Well, maybe by now someone has already told you about this, but in case they haven't... There is a group, a branch off I guess, associated with the UOAA (United Ostomy Associations of America, Inc.) for gays and lesbians. Their website address is
http://www.glo-uoaa.org/. They also have a monthly newsletter. Unfortunately for me but good for you is that the majority (isn't that the way it always is?) of the posts and members are men.

I'm afraid I can't help you much because, as you know, how you guys relate to intimate things is way different than lesbians.
Good luck and wish me luck too.

Hi Smiles, I would guess you have more than 61 of them. I am not an airman but I, for one, am very glad you responded. I can't resist, "some of my best friends are lesbians". I bet you have heard that one. I have said enough previously, so for now - thanks for expanding our education.

Carol

Well, you see, some of the warmth you get from some people, and unfortunately, the flat-out hatred you can get from others.

Cancer doesn't care either way, nor does it sit in judgment. It doesn't care about what you've done, or who you've done it with, and or how.

It's called "Cancer," not "let's put someone down" or "make jokes because you disapprove." Cancer doesn't care if you're straight, gay, black, white, or any shade in between. It doesn't care if you're old and crotchety without an ounce of respect towards your fellow human being, just like it doesn't care if you're a bouncing newborn baby. It doesn't care if you've lost parts, your sense of taste, touch, sight, or smell. It doesn't care about your wife, your husband, your daughter, your son, your boyfriend, girlfriend, your soulmate, or your friends. It's called "Cancer," and just like the many different people within this group, it comes in many, many different forms, shapes, and sizes, and it simply doesn't care.

You would think that for those who have lost any of the aforementioned, the tiniest bit of respect, kindness, and consideration would be a given?

I am hearing you, Dasani.

You are not alone in the world - I live in London as well and sort of new to my ileo. "Stephan" was born last November at University Hospital - I might be able to help you with tips and tricks for living with an ileo.

My lover of 8 years left me on Thanksgiving eve for another guy that doesn't have an ostomy. I am a bottom and he was a total top. After the surgery, we couldn't have sex anymore and he told me he couldn't hold out any longer. I am devastated and hurt to no end. I've cared for his children and been with him through thick and thin, but in the back of my mind, I saw it coming because I had the cancer, he didn't. I just have 2 questions and anyone that can answer these for me would be greatly appreciated.

Question 1: Are there surgeries for an artificial anus of some kind for anal sex if my anus was removed and sealed?

Question 2: Do people have sex with their ostomy and is that dangerous?

Thank you in advance for all responses.

2nd life,

I am so sorry for your devastated loss. Your former lover is a real 'sweetheart', but I am sure you know that. It will take time, but you will survive. Just think of what you have already survived. No one is worth more than yourself. Think of yourself, my friend. Well, to answer your questions, 1. To my knowledge, there is no form of artificial anus, but I am no authority on this, but 2) I can assure you that sex with an ostomy has not proven to be dangerous in any way, at least for me. Hang in there, my friend. Someday you will look back on the whole thing and realize that you are the better for it.

X_

Errrrr.......I'm not sure you understand the question.     Perhaps you should re-read and reconsider your answer.

To the original poster, perhaps you should think twice before allowing someone to insert anything in your stoma. I don't think it's wise.

To concur with MMSH,
I cannot comprehend toying around with your stoma, if you are talking about what I think you are.

I know when I had mine, (had a reversal, so no more stoma) I didn't even care to touch it myself, let alone have someone else fooling with it. I damn sure didn't want anything stuck in it. Surely, you can find some other way.

Good luck.

MMSH and Christiesdad,

Well, you know that was my first thought, but then I said to myself "No way, he can't really mean that". Just the thought of that is a theme for a horror film...oops.

X_

Hi Guy, sorry about your boyfriend.. I have learned the hard way that there is a lot more to life than holding on to someone who just wants to butt-fuck. Chances are that if he needed it that much, he was doing it behind your back anyway. I would just say use your imagination... There's a whole world of things two people in love can do besides butt-fuck.
To your question, no there is no such thing but you could find just about anything in a sex shop.
Take care buddy

2ndlife Hi Guy, I guess your monicker should be your starting point, so might I suggest you visit one of the sex shops and pick up a real nice companion, I hear they're making them almost lifelike and you could probably have one made to order of course you'd have to learn to be the top man, at least you won't have somebody at your back all the time and with a little bit of luck you might find a really good man, and in the meantime put your imagination to work for you, at least you know what you're looking for. Have a good shopping day.

Ok, this comment reminds me of a joke, please don't take offense original poster.... just interjecting a little humor

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

Hello everyone... I'm a 44-year-old GWM. I've had an ileostomy since I was 19 years old. I would love to find others to talk to.

Hey AAirman,
I'm only 31 but I know exactly how you feel being gay with an ileostomy.

Hi JayStar,

Do you find that dating is hard? I just feel by myself.