Seeking Connection: Overcoming Loneliness After Heartbreak

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The forum discussion is about a person feeling alone and questioning if anyone would want to be in a relationship with them due to their illness and ostomy.

I am not trying to make this post a "woe is me" one. I never thought I would have nor want a relationship again after what I went through in my marriage, then my husband dumping me because he couldn't handle my illness anymore. But I really am tired of being and feeling alone. But I said it before and I will say it again, who would want me like this?

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Why not put your photo up and let people see you because there will be someone for you out there, believe me love)

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Hello pammer.  Being alone is often not as bad as 'feeling' alone for loneliness is is that feeling of being in a position that one does not want to be in.  When you say "who would want to be with me like this" are you talking about having an ostomy or are you refering to something else about yourself?  I have met many people who think that personality, behaviour and compatability are much more important in relationships than physical attributes. So it is my belief that if these aspects are acceptable then there will be someone out there who will recognise and appreciate you for what and who you are.  Personally I appreciate 'solitude' so I don't suffer too much with loneliness.  I also prefer animals to people most of the time. However, I do empathise with those who wish to find suitable human company and have not yet achieved this goal.  Best wishes  Bill.
Hi Pammer, Like Bill I'm not sure I fully understand your concerns.  It seems like you went through some junk in your marriage before your illness.  Then you got dumped because of your illness.  Not sure which part sucks more.  
It seems like you're looking for a relationship and not just friendship.  I think you have a bunch of friends right here that really care for you and want to be your friends because you are like you are.  Wow!  Long sentence.  As far as a relationship, I believe that's a result of a connection way beyond
what's on our bellies.  If you think of yourself as damaged you might convey that feeling to others.  Think of yourself as fixed and ready to start anew.  
Just my thoughts with best wishes to you.

Hi. I just wanted to say thanks. You really helped me put things in perspective.


Hi Pammer, I found myself in a similar situation. It's taken a long time to come to terms with my stoma and everything that goes with it. I wanted to meet someone, thought only someone with a stoma would deal with it, but I was wrong. I met someone who just liked me. I still feel self-conscious, but I am getting there. For you, I think you need to find some peace within yourself and everything will fall into place. Hang in there, you do have people that care. Trish x


Hiya Pammer, I feel your pain and I have suffered the same. My husband had enough of my illness and couldn't handle the bag of shit hanging from my stomach. What I learned from that is that I couldn't handle it either. When I learned to be okay with me, be healthy physically and emotionally, and be thankful I am alive, I had more attention than I did when I was 20 and not one of the guys I dated ever had an issue with my stoma. I got choosy and found my soul mate who worships the ground I walk on. Our triumphs give us strength and lead us to what was always meant to be, unfortunately, that was not your husband. Better is waiting for you. When you are whole, you will find it.


The person meant for you would reply. Live life one day at a time. That's what I do and it works out much better.


Hi Pammer!
I love what Iyanla Vanzant said about "being alone". You are not alone, you are with yourself! It's all in the attitude. I happen to be someone that needs and appreciates being with myself a lot. I like company too, but I have noticed that when I am busy doing my thing, I attract people more. When you heal your relationship with yourself you will attract many!...and of a better vibration!
Big hug!


If your ex-husband left because you were ill, he was a useless piece of crap. Something about for better or worse. I don't care what a person's issues are... it is all about one's heart. Mark


Thanks Mark



Hi Pammer,

I've had my ostomy for 50 plus years (I'm 66, divorced now for 20+ years) so I'm doing my second round of dating.

I was sick with UC and out of school for 3 years before I had my surgery at 15, so I always accepted my ostomy as my "badge of survival". It gave me back the ability to have a real life.

But I did have challenges dating for the first time, with issues of who and when to tell.

I was lucky that I lived in NYC and our adult group had a lot of teens and young adults. So we started our own group and that was a wonderful support. I ended up marrying a man who also had an ostomy, as well as a long history of Crohn's disease. That should have bound us together, but sadly it didn't and we eventually divorced after 24 1/2 years of marriage. We have two sons, both of whom have with Crohn's, and the other with UC. Neither has had surgery, and have been able to manage their with medication...the other with an extreme...vegan diet. After years of medications that didn't work.

More than my ostomy, I have other body image issues, that I feel have kept me from finding that one special person. As a teen, the meds I had taken had inflated my body (steroids) and left me with stretched out skin and stretch marks all over my body. I also went through two pregnancies which were also a challenge, but which I don't regret. My two sons are my miracle children.

But I've been overweight for so many years now....(more than 20), that I don't think I'll ever see a normal size again. I've dated some really nice guys.....and for some, my physical issues, including the ostomy, were not a problem, and for others they were. If someone has an issue with my body, then that person is not for me. I am currently seeing a lovely man....who had been a super jock as a teen and young tall, well-built, and quite good-looking. He's also very accepting and has no issues with my scars, my stretched out body, or my ostomy. It's taken me a long time to relax and believe him, and every once in a while, he teases me and asks me if I'm still self-conscious. And yes....sometimes I am. :)) The last time I looked in a mirror and liked what I saw, I was 12 years old. But I realize that is MY problem. One has to really love and respect oneself.....scars included, if we expect others to do the same. It's an ongoing challenge. But you've gotten yourself this far.....and with the right "self-talk", you will develop the confidence to find the man meant for you. Best of luck.


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