How does one get past the fear of starting to date, but dread telling strangers about having a colostomy?
daukdeb
Sep 01, 2016 12:39 am
Past Member
Sep 01, 2016 1:44 am
I have thought about this very thing as I am sure many have. I have a temporary ileostomy and can only hope my reversal surgery is successful. It's hard enough dating and seeing if there is enough interest to continue with a person, let alone the right time to disclose. I think a person of strong character who is looking for the right qualities will endure. I have been told if he doesn't stick around, it's his loss. I can see this, but also if not explained right, it could scare someone off. I personally think if someone sees your outlook and how you enjoy life, it will make them see you in a different light. I have a good friend who had her arm amputated above the elbow, and her husband left her over it, yet men flock to her. Personality, a big smile, and her zesty way is what I see in her. She does not wear a prosthetic and feels people can accept her flaws.
MeetAnOstoMate is a remarkable community of 41,407 members.
“I found real people, real humor, and answers I couldn’t get anywhere else.”
“The support here impressed my husband’s medical team - they plan to recommend it.”
“This community saved me when I thought I was a freak. Now I’m thriving.”
“Thank god for this site - I finally knew what to ask my surgeon.”
Posted by: Primeboy
Hi Mike and all. I am not sure how panoramic my perspective really is as my peripheral vision shrinks with each passing year. I can tell you that when I came to this website six years ago I was truly ;impressed by the positive attitudes of so many members, especially the younger folks who refused to let their ostomies define who they were or what they would become. I also came to appreciate that having an ostomy is not the same thing as having a disease. Pardon ;my pun now, but ostomies and cancer don't belong in the same bag. One is a solution, the other is a problem. Celebrating National Ostomy Day ;is also well outside my comfort zone. That's like celebrating National Wheel Chair Day. Come on!
I think there is a ;need for improved ;public awareness of ostomies, but I am not sure how that's best done. There ;remains ;some social stigma attached to our situation, and it's acutely felt among our young. We need to get out of the dark ages on this issue, but not by going 'in your face' to everyone else. I think Bill and NDY are 'spot-on' when it comes to telegraphing the right message to friends and family. People will know how to react when they ;see ;how we accept the cards we were dealt. I also appreciate the contribution some people here are making to this effort through their publications.
On a personal note, my son has been suffering from ulcerative colitis for years just like I did. I am very concerned because people with UC are at a higher risk for colon cancer. Years ago my GI told me to get annual colonoscopies to be on the safe side. I am glad I did because he eventually found pre-cancerous cells which led to several surgeries and my becoming an ostomate. Since then I have always ;conveyed a positive attitude to ;my son about wearing a bag because it has kept me alive to enjoy many more years with my loved ones. I think he got the message. We both go to the same gastroenterologist in NYC and get scoped on the same day. Father and Son moments!
Someone once wrote that our children are the letters we write to the future.
PB
Advertisement
Hollister
In addition to your pouching system, you may require the use of an ostomy accessory to enhance the performance of your system.
Learn more about ostomy accessories, and when to use them.
Learn more about ostomy accessories, and when to use them.
Bill
Sep 01, 2016 5:13 am
Hello daukdeb. Thanks for the post which gives people like me a chnace to use a few remaining brain cells.
Fear comes in many forms and possibly one of the most common ones is what we call 'anxiety'. I have no magic formula for overcoming this but there are some techniques that have been useful to people in the past. One such technique is to 'face the fear'. explore it until you know it inside out, then you begin to know yourself and can build defences to stop any future anxieties/ fear having the same negative effects in future.
Fear is like any other emotion in that it has an enrgy and a force of its own. This energy (like other energies) can become negative, positive or neutral depending upon how it's controlled and used. It can be a really good motivational factor in moving forward if the person can understand it and make it work for them rather than against.
Anyway! I've never met anyone who is perfect so why not leave telling people what you feel is a flaw in yourself, until they start sharing what they think is wrong with themselves. You might find that you will be waiting a long time, as many people have difficulty seeing their own flaws.
Best wishes
Bill
My Ostomy Journey: LeeAnne | Hollister
Mikegnv
Sep 06, 2016 11:13 am
You might like to read a book by Brenda Elsagher called, "It's in the Bag and Under the Covers." There is a whole chapter on establishing new relationships with contributions from people who've been through it. Timing is an individual thing, but self-confidence, flexibility, humor, and a willingness to take some risks can all be important. Good luck!
sunasea
Sep 07, 2016 4:35 pm
Hi dating person, there are two schools of thought on telling someone your challenge: one, wait until they get to know you or two, let them know right away. I would only suggest to use both ideas depending on how you read the person, so no absolute rule. Good luck and I hope for the best for you. I guess what we have, we have forever and you need people to date worth dating. Caring and understanding people.
Take care.