Why is there so much vulgarity among ostomates?

This may seem like a strange question to be asking, but I've noticed that a majority of people with an ostomy that take part in forums like this one are just plain nasty. I've had my ostomy for 16 years and just once in a while I'll hop on a forum to see if there is someone who needs help or understanding about their health problems and every time I discover that most of the posts are dirty jokes, nasty language, and obscene suggestions. You would think that a physical problem of this sort would attract loving and caring people that are anxious to be helpful, but not so. It makes me ashamed to admit that I'm an ostomate. I hope I can keep it a secret.

Hello poeticodan.

I am sorry to hear that your impression is that the majority of ostmates are as you described.

My own perpspective is that these are the minority and I have rarely ever had any nasty people replying to my own blogs and forum discussions. For the most part, they have been people you describe as 'loving and caring people that are anxious to be helpful', so perhaps you are reading the wrong posts.

I view a site like this as like any other communications media, in that there are certain things I like to see and hear and other things that I do not. In the case of the latter, I know where the 'off' button is and I use it accordingly. However, that does not stop me continuing to participate in the stuff that I like.

Best wishes

Bill 

"Just plain nasty"

What the f*#@!? ;(That's as vulgar as I get)

Couldn't disagree more, Mr. Oklahoma Man. Not sure if you have your sites mixed up? It has been my experience on this site for quite a few years now that the majority of people on here are exactly the opposite of your description. Can't believe your post actually...are you intending to wind us up and laugh at the reaction which will be forthcoming, I can assure you.

Furthermore, "makes me ashamed to admit I'm an ostomate" - what does that mean? Who are you admitting to? Who would be on this site other than ostomates?

Easy solution, just like the movies, if you don't like the film you get up and leave. Just be careful it's not an "inflight" picture!

V.J. (Your secret is safe with me).

Hi,

I'm Marsha, an ostomate for 50+ years, and this is a response to VeeJ and Poetcon, and anyone else, regarding vulgar language on this site. I haven't encountered much of it, but I will suggest the "answer" to be... The people on here are just a cross section of people in general. There are those who curse...and those who do not. Somehow, in our current world, it's become "ok" to be vulgar...in public. It's everywhere in the US, on the streets, in schools, etc., on TV... People don't have a filter anymore... and sadly, bad language has just become a part of the public domain. Very sad that people can't express themselves without a vulgar phrase.

Just my thoughts.

Marsha

Hi poet, I flat out think you're wrong, but that's just my opinion. Just like your statement is just your opinion.

Hey Poet.  I think this site is a gathering of some of the most caring, compassionate, polite folks on the planet.  We might use some levity at times but try to keep things in good taste.  If you're referring to stuff like my "F Word" post, I apologize if you're offended but WTF?  Smile!

Respectfully,

Mike

Thanks for your reply, Marsha. You sound like one of the few decent people that care what other people think.

In my experience, quite a lot of 'interest groups' have an in-house form of 'dark humor' of the 'if I didn't laugh I'd cry' flavor. As a Christian minister, I can tell you that this is certainly true of clergy (not necessarily in terms of being coarse or vulgar, but 'outsiders' might be shocked at the insensitivity)! Get a group of funeral directors together and you'll find the same sort of thing happens: it works as a kind of emotional safety valve. Yet when dealing with the public, these same people can be outstanding examples of care and compassion.

The community on this website is made up of people who have a disability, the thought of which fills many 'normal' people with revulsion. Rather than fret and retreat, many opt to be up-front and honest (even brutally honest!) about their situation in a way that might well cause sensitive souls to blanch. The emergence here of a community genre of distinctive 'dark humor' seems inevitable, especially as, when you scratch the surface, so many of us have had experiences of the 'if I didn't laugh I'd cry' type on the personal journeys that have brought us to join a website for people with ostomies.

Does that ring true with others? Chris

Hi, again, Poeticodan. I've adopted a philosophy of a not so famous person, me, out of the necessity to survive then enjoy the best quality of life possible. It is what it is and, more importantly, our perception of what it is can make or break us. My work life involved fixing things like machines and systems, making them perform better and helping the people around me perform their duties better and enjoy the whole package from wages, benefits, appreciation, recognition and opportunities for the future. I was taught to perceive a problem as an opportunity. If something broke we could fix it. If someone was unhappy we could find out why, address it and, hopefully, make the team healthy again. So I got cancer, then a different cancer which is better than the same cancer somewhere else, got radiation, chemo, surgery, more chemo, pneumonia, shingles, several other surgeries, several other afflictions and here I am, almost nine years later attempting to defend my relatively new friends and myself against your criticism. If you perceive us as “just plain nasty” your perception is way different from mine. It's nice of you to “just once in a while” see if there's someone who might benefit from your 16 years of experience as an ostomate. Most of do that on a daily basis. This physical “problem” to which you allude is the reason most of us are here doing the best we can to help each other. Our ostomies saved our lives and, in sharing our experiences, we're helping each other. I felt ashamed when I first was diagnosed; I was broken. Now I would be ashamed if I offended someone or if I wasn't there to help someone who needed me. I'm happy to have survived and I hope everyone else could do even better. Is my perception that screwed up?

Mike

Poet,

I'm not going to go on the offensive and reply with an angered reply. I for one, will admit that vulgar remarks as well as innocent ones get me through my day and this site offers NOTHING but support. Depending on how you look at our "problem" as an actual problem, we are above ground and some of us are FAR luckier than others. I am not ashamed at all of my fellow ostomates and I never will be. I embrace each and every one as you should. Each of us handles it in our own way. People are on this site to find support, friendship and potentially a connection. Please don't be upset if their standards are not the same as yours.

Do not judge lest you be judged. For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. — Matthew 7:1-2

Jesus wasn't confused in His teaching. He didn't mean we should never make a judgment about right and wrong. As He explained, He meant we shouldn't make a judgement hypocritically. The verses that follow make this patently clear (Matthew 7:3-5). No one is better than anyone else. We are not measured by our modesty or bawdiness.

I have dealt with a lot of shit in my life so very little offends me. I call myself a good Christian because I believe Christ died for our sins. I'm sorry that some things offend you but that is life my friend. I find many things that offend me. For example:

• Murders and rapists. (All need to die a horrible death ONLY after proven without a doubt they are guilty)
• Taxes (although hopefully most of this pays our men and women of service, God bless them)
• Thieves (should be shot, no excuse)
• The price of medical care in this country
• People that do not know how to drive but think they do (younger and older people)
• People with a sense of entitlement or think they are better than others
• Ignorant people
• People that take advantage of the system
• The broken system
• my ex wife
• teenagers that don't respect their elders because their parent/s did not/could not raise them right
• prank clowns
• The home shopping network or most infomercials
• the price of cable tv
• polka music

The list could go on and on. But I'm just saying. Take a lighter side to how people express themselves. You might see only vulgar comments. But we all just express ourselves the best way we know how. As you can see from the list above, there are WAY worse things in this world than offensive comments in a support forum. Life is too fucking short. ENJOY my 2 cents worth

Respectfully yours,

Bain

I've read with interest the comments from others primarily criticizing me for my irritation with people who find dirty jokes and nasty language a good thing on a web site that was designed to offer a measure of good information and camaraderie for the many people who quietly deal with their health deficiencies and disabilities on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my ostomy. In fact, quite the contrary. I was first diagnosed with a terminal liver disease that threatened to take my life in 2 or 3 years, unless I had a liver transplant. The disease is related to having a diseased colon and when my doctor realized that there were precancerous polyps in my colon, he told me unless I had the colon removed, a transplant could not be done. I gladly accepted the surgery and have never regretted it. After the diseased colon was removed, my liver disease went into remission and here I am 16 years later, not having a transplant and in reasonably good health. I'm very thankful and grateful for what medical science and more specifically, my doctors, have done for me. And at the same time, I think making nasty remarks or telling dirty jokes or using foul language to describe a procedure or those who perform the procedures that saves lives is a slap in the face of the great physicians and nurses that have chosen that area of expertise in their professional careers. My 43-year occupation was in design engineering and I would find it demeaning for someone using vulgarities to describe facets of my work. I find your reasons for using corrupt language disgusting and childish.

Hey Bain, I very much agree with and compliment you for your reply with one exception.  With grandparents from Warsaw, Prague and Krakow, 8 years in a Polish Catholic School, a great accordianist for a Dad, and weekends filled with weddings, first Communions, Confirmations in my Polish neighborhood in Trenton, Polkas provided a spirit of the good life and living it regardless of what we were really going through.  So I'm sending you a thumb drive of 44 versions of "the Beer Barrel Polka".  Just kidding; if I actually had one I'd be listening to it right now.

Now Poeticodan, I guess our perspective differs.  It's said that beauty is in the eyes or ears of the beholders.  I found more beauty among the folks here than I ever imagined.  So sorry you feel it so differently.  But hey!  I know where you can get a copy of the classic polka, "I don't want her you can have her she's too fat for me".  Just listening to that for a few hours with your eyes closed might change your perception on lots of stuff.

Respectfully,

Mike

I agree with every word, N.J. Bain. Well said.

After reading this thread, I feel that Poeticodan is just a troll. Here is my take on people being offended: I don't give a rat's ass if my speech offends anyone. Their feelings are their problems, not mine. I am never rude or mean, but I spent enough years in the military that I earned the right to speak any way I choose. Poet, all I can say is get over yourself and toughen up!

We're not all nasty! Those people probably aren't well adjusted. It would probably be a good idea for the site administrator to screen some of the comments more thoroughly and keep some of it off.

Hi Mike. I'm not really a fan of polka, but this piece by Roy Clark is an exception: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV85sDCRGkE

Thank you Chris....and Bain, for bringing a bit of sanity to this discussion. I am 68, and grew up in the 50's but due to illness (ulcerative colitis) I missed most of the 60's. Girls wore dresses to school, we couldn't show bellies, boys had to wear collars, and couldn't wear jeans that showed their underwear. And we wore hankies pinned to our shirts. What else has changed? A lot.....including what is called acceptable language.

This is for Poet....The world has changed, and although it's not all for the better....it's much more permissive a society...than say 50 years ago. Words, topics and even commercials that are on TV now, would never have been possible then.

I'm not a religious expert...but I do think there is a passage in either the Old or New Testament, that talks about "not judging others, lest you be judged". People who use graphic language, are not "bad people". It may not be your preference.....but like the old saying "Don't judge a book by its cover", many are just expressing themselves in the manner that's being used today.

Personally.....I wouldn't use that language in school, or on an interview.....but this is an open, caring and supportive site, and attracts many people from many countries. I don't think anyone here is deliberately trying to hurt or disrespect anyone! So if you personally don't like the way others express themselves...you know what to do.

There's so much more to discuss in today's world......why are we spending time on this?

Marsha

We spent time on this, Marsha, because an ill-informed, inaccurate, offensive statement was made that could not go unchallenged.

If 'visitors' don't like what is written on this site....the answer is simple...DON'T VISIT!

You are right though, there's plenty more important happenings in the world today, especially in your country, so as they say in the corporate world "moving forward...".

V.J.

Hey Marsha, you nailed it.  I read your reply while listening to Silveradokid's music gift.  Thanks to both of you!

Marsha reminds me of the 12 years of Catholic school, what was appropriate versus sacrilegious.  We evolved, most of us matured and some of us just got old.  We take liberties today that we would've been condemned for 50 years ago.  I thing we're still respectful of our audience and only exercise those liberties expecting similar levels of maturity.  If I guess incorrectly I apologize.

Now I need to download Roy Clark's stuff to my iPod.

Mike

All I have to say about that is....

Heehaw!!

Used to be a funny show....

This is curious. This whole thread is about grievances in regards to something that hasn't even been done in this thread.

You're so right, Vikinga.  Maybe Bain's last reply should've been the first reply and all the rest of our energies could've been used for telling jokes.  

Mike

I really don't find these forums any better or any worse than some of the others I use. IE Politics, Aircraft, Photography, Skoda Cars, Jaguar Cars. There are bumholes, snowflakes, heroes, villains, trolls, fairies on all sites. Ignore the stuff you don't like or log off, never to enter again. You have choices in this world.

===========Scoundrel

Lol

So Vulcan, I finally decided you're not really an alien from a distant planet but using an inanimate object for a screen name concerns me.

Sincerely,

iMacG5

I wouldn't call the Vulcan B Mk2 an inanimate object. But the Cold War is over. Like me, the God of Fire was made redundant and is resting in splendid retirement...

Really Poeticodan?? You actually thought it was appropriate to post this?? Wow. I read one of your blog posts about bathrooms and found it to be really crass and vulgar. I'm thinking you're projecting your traits onto other ostomates. Do your own self-work instead of finding fault in the rest of us. Or as the Bible says "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye." You don't even have to be religious to see the truth and wisdom in that passage. Judge not, lest you be judged. Sweep your own doorstep, before you go looking for dirt on everyone else's. Your bathroom post was very crass, not to mention you found it necessary to make a ridiculous comment about GLBT people in it, which had the ugliness of bigotry written all over it. Stop judging others and start working on yourself.

Just how exactly are you being loving and caring and helpful to others? Why don't you just work on actually being loving, caring, and helpful instead of finding fault in others?

Hey Mike, I think I love you - haha just kidding - but love your attitude in this post. You are a survivor, man! You have my respect big time (hope that didn't sound too much like Trump - when he said 'big league' in one of the debates I took a double take and said 'He did NOT just say that, did he? This is NOT the 80's' - ANYWAYS all that filthy, dark, nasty, black humor aside, your post here really impressed me. And believe me when I say you have NOTHING to apologize for. I have told you this before on other subjects and it's true, you know. You are fine JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. You don't need to feel ashamed, or less than or apologetic, in fact you don't even need to address people who come in and make nasty accusations such as this person did. Ignore works wonders and heaven knows we all have bigger fish to fry in real life.

People on a site like this are OVERCOMERS and undoubtedly 100 of them have been through more pain, shame, humiliation, fear (and the list could go on and on) than 90% of our population in the western world. I'm pretty sure of that. And I would like to know where this 'F word post' is you talk about. Sounds good to me. I like that word on occasion. I think perhaps the first poster has mistaken this for an etiquette site or something. Oh well. Onwards and upwards:)

I'm a newbie here and this is my first post. I just signed up tonight because of a thread called "bag". I ended up here because I was initially looking for info on probiotics and ostomies as a good friend of mine is in a position that I want to understand better. I have to say, I think Poet made a good comment because it brought the opinions of so many of you to the forefront of the debate. What I've seen are comments from a really caring community, from well-thought-out people on a subject where humor is tenuous at best. I hope some of these comments helped Poet, they sure helped me!