Candy, thank you again for the kind words and the reply. Unfortunately, I have no idea how things will work in my country since I am located in the EU. We have things working quite differently most of the time, but I do hope everything will work out since I want to live and I can't stress that enough. I WANT TO LIVE. I love my family, and I am not ready to give up on life even if this illness got me close to giving up at certain points. It is not going to be easy with my illness, even after the surgery. It will haunt me probably for the rest of my life, and of course, my little boy may also be affected by it, which I am terrified of. I do not know how I would handle that. I would probably hate myself forever if he would have to suffer like I had to/have to. But this is out of my control at this point, and all I can do is pray to God that he will be healthy and free of my illness.
Now to another topic. Of course, I went to the other side too where J pouchers talk to each other, and I read through that forum too. What I noticed is that even after many complications and really hard times they had to go through, they are still very happy with their pouch, while ostomates tend to hate/dislike the stoma and the hurdles that come with it (leaks, sleepless nights, blockages, etc.). Please tell me there are people who are actually happy with their life as an ostomate? I need to know that not everyone feels bad being an ostomate, that life with the external pouch is not as bad as it seems from the overall picture I got from going through the forums for days. :( All I keep seeing is that everyone tries to get rid of the external pouch as soon as possible, and I am here alone who thinks that my life could be better with an ileostomy instead of a J pouch, and feeling so, so very stupid because of this.
I do understand that this is again a very tricky situation since if your life was really terrible because of your illness before the stoma (Crohn's and UC is a terrible, terrible illness and can be the worst hell for some if not most, as far as I see, and I so much wish all of you the very, very best!), the issues coming with the stoma might seem heaven compared to it to you. But my illness, while it is really bad, I do think I had it way better than those with UC or Crohn's. I had a constant urgency to go to the toilet unless I managed to take my mind off of it somehow (usually work or my lovely family helped me with that), 3-6+ BMs a day, constant fear of what if... and where the next bathroom is in case something would happen, stressed all the time because of this, having bloody stools a lot, sitting for hours on the toilet. But still, I think that UC and Crohn's is worse, can be way worse because I managed to live a relatively normal life until a couple of months when the illness hit me hard. I am worried that to me it could be worse having a stoma than with the illness and all that comes with it, granted seeing what J pouchers go through sometimes, they have it hard as well if not harder at times. Anyways, I would really like to know if there are ostomates who are actually and honestly happy with how they can live with an ileostomy, and forgive me that I am pressuring to hear from those who have ileostomy, but colostomy seems to me like a whole another world since you can irrigate, only empty 2-3 times, no watery stool, etc., which can make it a little easier to bear with it. BUT I may be wrong here, so again please forgive me if I am wrong. I am writing based on what I saw in the last couple of days reading through the forum here, and to me, it seems colostomy might be easier to handle. That doesn't mean at all that I think it's easy to live with a colostomy, not at all, but compared to ileostomy, it seems easier.
Huh, I guess I had some venting to do this time. Forgive me if I said something that in any way offends you, but my feelings are all over the place right now, and I barely see the light at the end of this dark tunnel at the moment, and this is why I am asking the above questions. I need hope badly.
Another long post, you all might hate me by now, but it feels good to put everything I feel and think in writing. Thank you to those who read it, and I do hope you understand that I have no intention to be rude, but instead, I am trying to express my feelings honestly, and if I am wrong, please, please, please correct me!